The post I never wanted to make but knew I would (mature, adults)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
NOBODY will love that child more than her mother...
That may or may not be true and any experienced parent knows it takes more....much more than love to raise a child successfully.
I admire the women who "turn their children over to strangers" because they are the wise and realistic women who have enough sense and LOVE to know their children will have a better shot at a good life with "strangers". They are the ones who understand that REAL LOVE means making sacrifices...putting the needs of their children ahead of the wants of themselves.
Three such women made it possible for me to have the beautiful and healthy family I have today.
This kind of seems like shutting the stable door after the horse has already bolted - why on earth would she think that you could be played like that?
There is a history of her playing head games and you playing along too?
I don't know too much about the situation but if my daughter turned up pregnant, I'd be thrilled.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TotallyTam
This is such a sad thread. I know people (in another country) who welcome babies, care for the new mother before and after the birth (even the unwed kind), don't make judgments, and celebrate family by helping each other in every way. The baby is brought into an environment of love, acceptance, and abundance---and I do not mean abundance as in material things. And the new Mom is supported by other women in the family to help her learn the ropes, rest, and give her a chance to bounce back. It's a beautiful, glorious and life-affirming thing to behold. True wisdom and love are sorely lacking in this story--and I dare say this whole country. If Americans weren't so damned arrogant and would be willing to let go of some of their "programming", I think they could be taught a lot from other cultures.
I really hope this family can put aside judgment (and cast out this nonsense about "tough love") to help this gal and her new baby get a decent start.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluskyflyer
Okay I'm new to this website and do not know your personal story, but I do know mine. I became a mother at 17 and I was on my own. My own mother provided me with her version of "emotional support" but that's about it. My daughter's father bailed and I went on welfare to get my GED and an associates degree and (finally) a job- barely supporting us working 50+ hours a week but still.... We have been off welfare for many years. My daughter is now 19 and went away to college (full scholarship- private high school) and ended up like her mother- pregnant at 18. She is also mentally ill and refuses treatment. Her teen years have been a complete nightmare. I talked and talked until I was blue in the face about the challenges of motherhood at such a young age, tried and tried to get her to go on birth control before she left for college but she swore up and down that she was "not like me".
Moving forward, I now have a granddaughter and I am 36 years old. My daughter is independent and determined to work things out on her own. I told her that IF she and the baby needed a place to stay, they are always welcome with me but if the boyfriend is involved (which IS a good thing, but) he can't stay with us too. They get WIC but their combined incomes (which aren't good) are too much to get food stamps or housing assistance. She is on my insurance but the baby is on Medicaid (which HAS to be set up BEFORE the baby is born!) The young couple struggle, but she goes to school 3 days a week and works the other 4. He works nights. They are working it out with only a few hours of babysitting here and there on my part- and I LOVE EVERY MINUTE of it.
The thing is, at some point we HAVE to let them go. They will sink or swim- depending on the lessons we have given them. It's time to let her go. She is an adult and if she doesn't do what's right by this baby, the state will take him or her. You will likely have a chance to take the baby if you choose, while your daughter gets her crap together and that, my dear, is totally your choice. But I will tell you, the moment you look into your grand baby's face for the first time, you will COMPLETELY understand why she couldn't even consider turning that baby over to strangers- NOBODY will love that child more than her mother.... Just like her mother before her...
It will all work out..... eventually. Have faith. Your daughter screwed up in the past. This is her big chance to redeem herself. Give her a shot. She may surprise you. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I know how difficult this is. Things will not always be easy, but your daughter is about to take the fast track to growing up.
I wish you luck.
I'm sorry guys, I just don't agree with any of you. Virtually, every situation that is described involves a young mother taking tax dollars in the form of medicaid, WIC, TANF, and hordes of other programs. One reason America provides so little for other groups of poor people is because of the degree to which we end up subsidizing the hordes of teenage unwed mothers out there who are all determined to raise their babies.
Plus, you seem to attach very little value to the notion of a two-parent household. Some of us believe that both fathers and mothers play an integral role in the raising of children.
If grandparents are so determined to "keep such grandkids in the family" than let them pay the costs of the labor and delivery, and all subsequent care for their grandkids. Don't make the taxpayer do it and than act like its a constitutional right to do it and all those who disapprove are heartless fools who just don't understand.
Most teenage mothers aren't stupid. They know from talking to friends what benefits are available. They know that no one is really going to pressure them to put a child up for adoption anymore. It all has become sort of a game where the biggest loser in this situation are the taxpayers who have to subsidize this whole process. I'm pretty fed up.
But I will tell you, the moment you look into your grand baby's face for the first time, you will COMPLETELY understand why she couldn't even consider turning that baby over to strangers- NOBODY will love that child more than her mother.... Just like her mother before her...
I liked most of your post and I appreciate you sharing your experiences and feelings, so let me share mine.
Both my brother and my grandson are adopted from Korea. I can assure you that most adoptive families love their adopted child with an intensity that is just as deep and profound as if that child was their own "flesh and blood." For our family, there is absolutely zero difference. With my grandson, our entire family donated to a fund to adopt him (it was very expensive) for over a year, and he arrived in our lives when he was under a year old. I will never forget holding him for the first time - it was as overwhelming and exciting and thrilling and precious as the first time I held my firstborn granddaughter. He is totally, totally ours and he is loved by all with a fierceness just as powerful as "flesh and blood" could ever be. One of my favorite memories in fact is of MY mother's face (the great grandmother) the first time she saw him and held him. She literally nearly fainted - he looked so much like my little brother when he was adopted. The love in her eyes was so touching I nearly burst into tears.
Both my brother and my grandson are MUCH better off in our family than growing up in poverty in Korea. I know it had to have been very difficult for their mothers to give them up, but I am so grateful to them both for doing so.
I think you may have some misconceptions about adoption. Sometimes "turning over that baby to to strangers" is the greatest gift a mother can give her child.
I'm sorry guys, I just don't agree with any of you. Virtually, every situation that is described involves a young mother taking tax dollars in the form of medicaid, WIC, TANF, and hordes of other programs. One reason America provides so little for other groups of poor people is because of the degree to which we end up subsidizing the hordes of teenage unwed mothers out there who are all determined to raise their babies.
Plus, you seem to attach very little value to the notion of a two-parent household. Some of us believe that both fathers and mothers play an integral role in the raising of children.
If grandparents are so determined to "keep such grandkids in the family" than let them pay the costs of the labor and delivery, and all subsequent care for their grandkids. Don't make the taxpayer do it and than act like its a constitutional right to do it and all those who disapprove are heartless fools who just don't understand.
Most teenage mothers aren't stupid. They know from talking to friends what benefits are available. They know that no one is really going to pressure them to put a child up for adoption anymore. It all has become sort of a game where the biggest loser in this situation are the taxpayers who have to subsidize this whole process. I'm pretty fed up.
I would agree with you but what's done is done and the situation must be dealt with in a manner that gives the baby the best possible outcome. If I had it my way, we'd sterilize every 12 year old and offer a free reversal procedure at age 25. Eliminating teen pregnancies would vastly improve society and free up resources for other people in need.
One of the reasons I want dd in an apartment is to get her and her boyfriend under the same roof. So far, he's stepping up to the plate but I don't want to see her on her own. That would be much worse for the baby.
I'd disagree with your last point. I think the baby is the biggest loser but I do agree that tax payers lose too but what are you going to do when there is a baby involved? The lesser of the evils is to support the mother and her child. I don't like it. I think it's being a leach but once there's a baby it becomes about the baby not the mother. In my ideal world all parents would support their own children but that doesn't happen. I think adoption is a much better option than having a teen mother. Unfortunately, it has become downright acceptable to keep the baby. We're more concerned with the mother's rights and feelings than we are the baby's need. Statistically speaking, outcomes are not good for children born to teen mothers. They are much better for children given up for adoption.
This is an unfortunate situation all the way around. I'm not proud of my daughter but the baby must be taken care of and if that means using government assistance that's what it means. While I'm ashamed it comes down to that, the bottom line is the baby must be cared for. I would much rather they had waited until they were in position to afford a baby but they didn't. Yes, I think that's stupid and immature but it wasn't my decision. Trust me if I were making the decisions here we would not be in this situation.
That may or may not be true and any experienced parent knows it takes more....much more than love to raise a child successfully.
I admire the women who "turn their children over to strangers" because they are the wise and realistic women who have enough sense and LOVE to know their children will have a better shot at a good life with "strangers". They are the ones who understand that REAL LOVE means making sacrifices...putting the needs of their children ahead of the wants of themselves.
Three such women made it possible for me to have the beautiful and healthy family I have today.
Amen to that. There are so many neglected children being raised by mothers that are too immature and unprepared to provide a good life for them. More knocked up girls should give their babies up for adoption to two parent families who can afford to give them a better life. Its the unselfish thing to do.
Amen to that. There are so many neglected children being raised by mothers that are too immature and unprepared to provide a good life for them. More knocked up girls should give their babies up for adoption to two parent families who can afford to give them a better life. Its the unselfish thing to do.
I agree. In situations like my daughter's, keeping the baby is very selfish. She and her boyfriend are in no place to raise a child but that's what they're determined to do. They're playing grown up when they aren't grown up. If they were, they'd realize that what is best for this baby is to give it to a couple who are in a position to give it a good life.
I don't buy only a biological mother can love a child (someone insinuated this in another post). I think all mothers love their children no matter what path they took to get them. In fact, I'd suspect that those who had to work the hardest to become mothers might love their children more than those for whom motherhood came easily. I think there's a family out there that would love this baby and are in position to raise it well and I think that's where this baby belongs. Unfortunately, this is not my decision to make and all I can do is damage control if dd decides to keep the baby.
I agree. In situations like my daughter's, keeping the baby is very selfish. She and her boyfriend are in no place to raise a child but that's what they're determined to do. They're playing grown up when they aren't grown up. If they were, they'd realize that what is best for this baby is to give it to a couple who are in a position to give it a good life.
I don't buy only a biological mother can love a child (someone insinuated this in another post). I think all mothers love their children no matter what path they took to get them. In fact, I'd suspect that those who had to work the hardest to become mothers might love their children more than those for whom motherhood came easily. I think there's a family out there that would love this baby and are in position to raise it well and I think that's where this baby belongs. Unfortunately, this is not my decision to make and all I can do is damage control if dd decides to keep the baby.
The degree of love for your child has nothing to do with how easy or difficult it was to "become a mother."
Amen to that. There are so many neglected children being raised by mothers that are too immature and unprepared to provide a good life for them. More knocked up girls should give their babies up for adoption to two parent families who can afford to give them a better life. Its the unselfish thing to do.
Agree.
Let's see...go to a family that is financially prepared and WANTS the kid...or this mess...?
My son is my wife's biologically but not mine. My parents are insane about him. No one is more insane about him than I am. He is MY BOY.
I had a friend whose own adopted teenage daughter got pregnant at 18. She refused abortion or adoption and marriage was out of the question. The parents wisely decided to do minimal effort to help her. They let her and the baby stay in her bedroom but the girl had to go to work, arrange her own childcare, manage all the late night feedings....everything. My friend said she would clutch the sheets at night because she heard the baby crying and her exhausted daughter doing her best but she knew in the long run the daughter either had to meet the challenge or make other plans.
While the girl was pregnant several friends expressed an interest in adopting but the teens refused. After the baby was born only 1 friend decided to hang around. She and her husband volunteered to baby sit only occasionally and they asked the girl to pack up everything the baby needed and bring her to them instead of them going to her house. And they bought some inexpensive things for the baby---all with first approval from the girl's mother.
Sure enough when the baby was 6 months old- still not sleeping through the night and starting to get teeth and the teen grew too weary to go any further she agreed to an open adoption with the friends of her mother who stuck around.
It really is a win win situation. The little girl is now 8 years old, her mother is married and just had her first child with her husband. The adoptive couple miraculously had a son" of their own" and all three kids and families interact. The teen mother praised her mother for handling it the way she did and acknowledges she was a very stubborn teen who didn't have a clue about the real world of parenting. She was wiser than she gives herself credit for.
I love adoption. I have four children, the youngest of whom is adopted. I absolutely love him with my whole heart. To the poster who wrote that, "No one could love him the way his mother loves him," you are right. I am his mother.
This doesn't take anything away from the fact that half a world away is a woman who loved him fiercely enough to bring him into the world and make sure he was in a safe place. She is his mother.
It's more complicated than that, though, and while I think the option of adoption should always be available, I am a bit squeamish about suggesting that because a child will be raised in a household without material abundance or an educated family that they'd be "better off" in another family with more resources. Maybe. But this is someone's child (someone's heart) we are talking about and it's a heavy decision that haunts many women the rest of their lives, once the temporary conditions of youth, stupidity, and poverty have been overcome. (For some these conditions, excepting youth, are permanent obvs.) So it's not something to just toss out there and expect an easy agreement.
HOWEVER. Ivory's daughter has been buying and keeping baby clothes in her dresser at home for some time before this happened. This is not an accidental pregnancy. I'm pretty sure that at this moment adoption is not an option for her. It might be, later, when reality sets in as no kudzu has related above. But I can also assure you that there are plenty of complex emotions behind that scene as well.
Keeping adoption on the table as an option is absolutely necessary, but I don't think it would be productive to push it right now. A lot of the crisis pregnancy centers listed earlier in the thread will be pretty pushy about it (and some because they are related financially to adoption agencies which ought to give you pause) and might just cause her to turn off to the possibility completely, so if she uses their services she will need to be up front about where she stands regarding adoption right now.
It hurts my heart a little bit that we all have so little faith in this girl. If she's going to keep this child, having her family's support and guidance puts her ahead of the game compared to some others in her situation. She doesn't come from the welfare culture, so her odds of escaping it, even if she uses the services now, are far greater than a girl whose whole world and experience has been one of dependence on the government. Maybe she will decide to go to college. Maybe BF will step up and gain skills to brighten their future. MAYBE they'll get married and live happily ever after--it's unlikely but certainly not unheard of.
I know the odds are against them, but it does absolutely no good to look at a couple like this and say, "Oh, great, now look what you've done--this baby's life is ruined!!" There are many choices they could make to improve their situation(s), and I think the focus should be on making those choices available, and encouraging them in that direction.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
