The post I never wanted to make but knew I would (immature, mother)
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We are in position to help her furnish an apartment. Dh and I separated 7 years ago and we still have most of what came out of his apartment. We have a dinette set that I use to store books on and grade papers, an extra couch, she already has the queen bedroom set dh had and we have an extra TV and entertainment center. It's an eclectic collection (dh went shopping at the overstock furniture store) but it'll do. We even have two sets of pots and pans, dishes and flatware. They don't all match but they'll do.
As to first and last months rent, dd has $5k in savings bonds (that I bought when she was a baby) that she and her boyfriend ridiculously locked away in a time vault that I told them to figure out how to get out of that vault. That will take care of more than first, last and a security deposit. Worst case scenarios is I apply for replacement bonds. Fortunately, I put the serial numbers in a database in case they were somehow lost. I'm not sure what it costs to have them replaced but if it's cheaper than getting this time vault opened that's what I'll do.
Thanks for sharing your story. I like to think that she'll grow up and in the end things won't be as bad as they look right now. It's hard watching dreams die. I wanted her to go to college, have time to grow up, and enjoy life for a while before settling down. I actually like her boyfriend except that he enabled her to keep stalling on getting a job but he does care for her and he takes care of her. We'll see if they make it. A baby changes everything. Statistically speaking, they will break up before the baby is a year old if they make it until the birth. He gets brownie points though. He took a second job a few weeks back. I kept asking why he was working two jobs. Now I know why. So far, so good with him.
Ivory, I am so sorry that your dream for your daughter has to die. I know that you love her because otherwise there wouldn't be all this worry, angst, and anger. I think you absolutely have the right to get angry at all the dumb choices she has made. I believe you will let that go as the birth comes closer.
If I was in your shoes I would not let her back in the house. She wanted to get pregnant and she must deal with this situation. I would help her get an apartment with first and last months rent. It sounds like the 5000$ bond will cover that. I would get her in contact with Medicaid, WIC,and whatever else you can think of. I would have a baby shower, because there are so many essentials she will need. Maybe you could do it with the other set of grandparents.
I'm sure she'll never move out and I'll be raising the baby too. That's why her moving back home cannot happen. We'll just add struggling to get her to raise her own child to the list of problems we had with her before. To be honest, a homeless shelter would come before her moving back home. I know that if she comes back, she'll drop right back into her old ways this time using the baby as the excuse. While I love her boyfriend to pieces, I think there's a limit to how much of this he'll take and she could end up alone. I think everyone's best shot is them in their own apartment and both working to make it work. They will need help though. While I'm not a fan of welfare because frankly it's usually stupid decisions that land people on welfare (and my dd's decisions have been stupid here), there is a baby involved and that has to be considered. If the help comes from the state, she can't whine and cry for more. She gets what she gets. And she won't like having to use food stamps so she'll be motivated to work her way off the system.
Fortunately, we have some furniture to give her and she has a bedroom set. She has some savings bonds I bought for her when she was little that were intended for personal expenses when she want away to college to use for a down payment on an apartment so she can do first, last and her security deposit. WIC and food stamps should allow her and the baby to eat well. His income should be able to make the rent payment on the apartment. I think we can get them in their own place where she has no choice but to take care of her own child and still be supportive of her and her boyfriend. We are not, however, going to offer a "come live with us" option. I just don't think that is the right move. I think that will land us right back where we were with a baby added to the equation. She knows damned well that if she doesn't tend to the baby I will. She has to be in a situation where she has no choice but to have a job and take care of her own child or I fear she will expect someone else to take care of her and the baby.
You seemed to miss the posts that told you that your daughter and her boyfriend aren't going to qualify for these types of programs because they make enough money to support themselves.
Being pregnant changes a person. Before being pregnant I had a job at a nightclub and would go out after work all the time. One night, after leaving work and driving to my boyfriends at the time, a drunk driver crashed and caused the car I was a passenger in the flip over. I was ejected fifty feet, and the cops didn't think I'd make it. I was in a coma for five days, the ICU for over a week, the hospital for a few weeks, then in a rehab hospital to relearn everything for another month. After doing all this I had missed my period but figured it was trauma, stress, medications, etc because when I was in the hospital I had been given a pregnancy test and it was negative.
Eventually I took a test and found out I was, in fact, pregnant. It was so early that the hospital test didn't pick it up. Since the accident, and becoming pregnant I haven't gone out once at night. If I go out its during the day with my daughter to the store with friends or lunch. I also have done everything since finding out I was pregnant for my daughter, instead of just thinking of myself. She comes first no matter what. I haven't put her in daycare or anything and instead took my savings and stayed home for the first three years. Now she is 3 going to be 4 and going to start preschool in the fall, I am going back to school and getting my EMT certification. I figure its better to have a job that will pay me weekly and pay for me to go back to school, then just go back to school and have no money coming in. Again, it's all because she comes first.
You don't know how she will react til the baby comes. Baby's have a way of changing everyone who's involved lives. If it doesn't, then there are serious problems.
You seemed to miss the posts that told you that your daughter and her boyfriend aren't going to qualify for these types of programs because they make enough money to support themselves.
She might. His income wouldn't matter if she would qualify for food stamps/WIC or not as they're unmarried. She would then be viewed as having her own income and having a dependent. Not sure if it means she will qualify, but that his income won't come into play on that unless they marry.
She might. His income wouldn't matter if she would qualify for food stamps/WIC or not as they're unmarried. She would then be viewed as having her own income and having a dependent. Not sure if it means she will qualify, but that his income won't come into play on that unless they marry.
His income will matter if they are living together because food stamps uses household income. Food stamps does not care if they are married or not. She will be able to get WIC and Medicaid for the baby once the baby is born if she chooses to because those programs won't take the father's income into account if they remain unmarried. The whole, "whoa is me, my child needs welfare" posts are pretty ridiculous considering the information that we have been given regarding their income and the information we have given to the op. Does the OP want help or does the op want drama? The couple technically won't need any assistance because they do make enough combined to make it without help but you're right, since they aren't married they can take advantage of WIC and Medicaid for the baby.
She might. His income wouldn't matter if she would qualify for food stamps/WIC or not as they're unmarried. She would then be viewed as having her own income and having a dependent. Not sure if it means she will qualify, but that his income won't come into play on that unless they marry.
And I expect their incomes to change. If he continues to work two jobs and she continues to work full time, they probably won't qualify but I expect that neither will be true in 9 months. I also think you're right that only her income counts unless they get married which I hope they do not. Shot gun marriages seldom survive.
This is indeed a sad situation, and I definitely don't have all the answers. There has been a lot of good advice given as far as social support systems, WIC, welfare, etc. I would like to add that hell would freeze over before any of my children, or their friends for that matter, were living in the backseat of a car. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction.
That's what we're working on. If she were 6 months pregnant I'd be more worried about where she sleeps. However, I know I cannot bring her home. That would put us right back where we were a few months ago. I don't think sleeping in a car for a few more weeks is going to hurt her.
We're already inviting them to dinner. I remember when dh and I were first married, when my MIL used to invite us to dinner I'd think that was one less meal I had to pay for. You now your budget is tight when you think that way.
As I posted before, she has a little money that was supposed to go towards her expenses when she went away to school. I've told her to use it to get an apartment but she says the locked it away in a time vault. I want to know where that money is before I do anything else. It's in the form of savings bonds so I can file to have the bonds replaced.
Being homeless is not good for a pregnant woman or her child. It puts both her and her child at risk.
If they have an income and money for first/last and security deposit why can't they get an apartment? It doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal or take very much time. Is there some other issue that I don't understand?
And I expect their incomes to change. If he continues to work two jobs and she continues to work full time, they probably won't qualify but I expect that neither will be true in 9 months. I also think you're right that only her income counts unless they get married which I hope they do not. Shot gun marriages seldom survive.
That's not necessarily true. They do look at whether he financially supports her not. That's one of the things they will ask and they tell you that they will go after the father (whether they actually do, I have no idea). I know that even if a couple isn't married, they still count the guy's income especially if he's in the picture.
Being homeless is not good for a pregnant woman or her child. It puts both her and her child at risk.
If they have an income and money for first/last and security deposit why can't they get an apartment? It doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal or take very much time. Is there some other issue that I don't understand?
THAT is the question isn't it? I think the plan is to delay as long as possible and hope we'll welcome her home. This is her choice. She has money for a deposit, first and last and she has a job. It's time to grow up.
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