The post I never wanted to make but knew I would (babysit, game)
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She doesn't care about consequences. That was the problem when she was here before. Once here, I fear she'd fall back into her old ways only this time she has a pregnancy/baby involved for leverage.
Oh she'll agree...until she's back under our roof and then we'll be expected to take care of her and the baby and we'll be throwing her out when she's 8 month's pregnant.
No, far better for her to work out getting into her own place now. When she told me she was pregnant I responded by saying "Oh dd, what are you going to do?" and I started pressing her for her plans WRT housing and how she was going to raise the baby. She just looked at me. I think she was expecting me to throw open the door and welcome her back home. She's a little shocked that no one is bailing her out but I think that's a good thing. If nothing else it's a motivating thing.
195^
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe
But Ivorytickler did say she asked and pressed her daughter on what she's going to do and that the daughter said nothing, no indication of any plan. If anything, it appeared that dd#1 seemed disappointed that Dear Mom didn't roll out the red carpet back to home. That post is probably now 15 pages back.
ETA= post #195
Thank you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
That's about it. She just kind of sat there stunned that I didn't offer her a solution. I'm sure she's reeling right now. I think she thought a pregnancy was her way back home and her excuse to not have to work a job. We can't let it be.
That's about it. She just kind of sat there stunned that I didn't offer her a solution. I'm sure she's reeling right now. I think she thought a pregnancy was her way back home and her excuse to not have to work a job. We can't let it be.
Yup... that's EXACTLY what she's thinking. No more manipulating mama to get what she wants. Good job, Ivory.
That's about it. She just kind of sat there stunned that I didn't offer her a solution. I'm sure she's reeling right now. I think she thought a pregnancy was her way back home and her excuse to not have to work a job. We can't let it be.
This kind of seems like shutting the stable door after the horse has already bolted - why on earth would she think that you could be played like that?
There is a history of her playing head games and you playing along too?
I don't know too much about the situation but if my daughter turned up pregnant, I'd be thrilled.
This is such a sad thread. I know people (in another country) who welcome babies, care for the new mother before and after the birth (even the unwed kind), don't make judgments, and celebrate family by helping each other in every way. The baby is brought into an environment of love, acceptance, and abundance---and I do not mean abundance as in material things. And the new Mom is supported by other women in the family to help her learn the ropes, rest, and give her a chance to bounce back. It's a beautiful, glorious and life-affirming thing to behold. True wisdom and love are sorely lacking in this story--and I dare say this whole country. If Americans weren't so damned arrogant and would be willing to let go of some of their "programming", I think they could be taught a lot from other cultures.
I really hope this family can put aside judgment (and cast out this nonsense about "tough love") to help this gal and her new baby get a decent start.
"Getting a decent start" can include this baby's mother, Ivory's daughter, finding her feet and becoming an "adult" in the months before she becomes a parent.
I love the picture you've painted, TotallyTam, but enabling this young woman to avoid flexing her muscles as an independent, competent person would not be "helping" her, or her new baby.
I don't think that's programming. Some kids just make the transition to adulthood with a little more difficulty than others. I think she'll be fine, and actually feel pretty great about herself, once she finds out that in fact she is capable of handling life on her own. (Sort of. With BF to lean on, lol. Baby steps....)
Last edited by Montanama; 06-24-2014 at 10:24 PM..
Okay I'm new to this website and do not know your personal story, but I do know mine. I became a mother at 17 and I was on my own. My own mother provided me with her version of "emotional support" but that's about it. My daughter's father bailed and I went on welfare to get my GED and an associates degree and (finally) a job- barely supporting us working 50+ hours a week but still.... We have been off welfare for many years. My daughter is now 19 and went away to college (full scholarship- private high school) and ended up like her mother- pregnant at 18. She is also mentally ill and refuses treatment. Her teen years have been a complete nightmare. I talked and talked until I was blue in the face about the challenges of motherhood at such a young age, tried and tried to get her to go on birth control before she left for college but she swore up and down that she was "not like me".
Moving forward, I now have a granddaughter and I am 36 years old. My daughter is independent and determined to work things out on her own. I told her that IF she and the baby needed a place to stay, they are always welcome with me but if the boyfriend is involved (which IS a good thing, but) he can't stay with us too. They get WIC but their combined incomes (which aren't good) are too much to get food stamps or housing assistance. She is on my insurance but the baby is on Medicaid (which HAS to be set up BEFORE the baby is born!) The young couple struggle, but she goes to school 3 days a week and works the other 4. He works nights. They are working it out with only a few hours of babysitting here and there on my part- and I LOVE EVERY MINUTE of it.
The thing is, at some point we HAVE to let them go. They will sink or swim- depending on the lessons we have given them. It's time to let her go. She is an adult and if she doesn't do what's right by this baby, the state will take him or her. You will likely have a chance to take the baby if you choose, while your daughter gets her crap together and that, my dear, is totally your choice. But I will tell you, the moment you look into your grand baby's face for the first time, you will COMPLETELY understand why she couldn't even consider turning that baby over to strangers- NOBODY will love that child more than her mother.... Just like her mother before her...
It will all work out..... eventually. Have faith. Your daughter screwed up in the past. This is her big chance to redeem herself. Give her a shot. She may surprise you. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I know how difficult this is. Things will not always be easy, but your daughter is about to take the fast track to growing up.
I wish you luck.
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