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thats a good sign Ivory. See, they may end up surprising you and be wonderful parents to the child.
You know, back where I am from, 19 and 20 is not considered "very young". legal age is 18 years and I know quite a few people who got married at that age, had children by 20 and leading a life. Happens in villages where I come from.
If you talk about olden days, my grand ma got married when she was only 14 years old. And had a kid at 16. She has a total of 5 children by 23 and my grand-mom and grand-dad were married for almost 50 years (then my prand pa died). So, even though they are not yet married, they still can take good care of the children.
As i said, where I am from, 19 and be a mom is not too uncommon in villages. Dont worry too much. She may do just fine.
have you found any leads to apartments yet?
No they haven't found an apartment yet. At least not one they can afford. They have to be looking in the wrong places. She says they looked into a trailer park and that rents were between $600-$1000/month not counting the lot rent. That seems really high for a trailer park. I'm pretty sure you can rent a house in our neighborhood for $1000 a month with no lot rent. Of course the utilities would be higher.
Dd asked today that we let her and dbf set up an apartment for themselves in the basement and they'll pay us rent until they find something. The only surprising thing about their request is they offered to pay rent.
I think that people who herald from areas where marriage and kids are the norm in your late teens grow up faster. I married at 19 but I was a lot more mature than dd (not that I was grown up but I was more responsible). You have to remember that dd is 19 and JUST got her first job. She's a little behind on the curve. Hopefully she'll surprise me.
Ivory, my heart goes out to you. Every woman with daughters could have found herself in your shoes. I have found that in general there is a time when we parents must stop thinking of our children as extensions of us.
When they are small, they are both literally and figuratively attached to us. We know their thoughts and keep track of all their actions. Once they break away, which they should, it is hard to cut the cord. My youngest is 31 and I still find myself wanting to step in and fix something for him sometimes.
Your daughter is 19, not 14. She is an adult, and she is willing and eager to break away from you. This is healthy. We all need to learn by our mistakes. Try to think about 5 years from now, instead of 5 months from now. Your daughter will either rise to it, or she won't, but it will be up to her to figure things out.
As Oprah said, "If you could have done better, your would have done better." If you were a good mother who poured as much wisdom into those 19 years as you could, then quit beating yourself up about it. Work on trying to emotionally distance yourself, as much as possible.
I like Oprah's saying. Looking back we can always see things we could have done differently but we are far removed from the reality of what we were living back then and situations look very different out of context.
I may have to needle point that one.
There's another one I want to make a needle point of that my niece has at her house. It says: "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." It's time to learn to dance in the rain and not beat ourselves up for past mistakes we see in retrospect. We can't change them anyway. As my grandmother used to say: "You can't change the past. All you can do is start from today and do it right."
No they haven't found an apartment yet. At least not one they can afford. They have to be looking in the wrong places. She says they looked into a trailer park and that rents were between $600-$1000/month not counting the lot rent. That seems really high for a trailer park. I'm pretty sure you can rent a house in our neighborhood for $1000 a month with no lot rent. Of course the utilities would be higher.
Dd asked today that we let her and dbf set up an apartment for themselves in the basement and they'll pay us rent until they find something. The only surprising thing about their request is they offered to pay rent.
I think that people who herald from areas where marriage and kids are the norm in your late teens grow up faster. I married at 19 but I was a lot more mature than dd (not that I was grown up but I was more responsible). You have to remember that dd is 19 and JUST got her first job. She's a little behind on the curve. Hopefully she'll surprise me.
Get her an apartment locator. You probably have them in your city, and sometimes they come with utilities included. I wouldn't set her up in your basement unless you are prepared to have her stay there rent free. If you are fine with that, then go ahead and help her out.
I like Oprah's saying. Looking back we can always see things we could have done differently but we are far removed from the reality of what we were living back then and situations look very different out of context.
I may have to needle point that one.
There's another one I want to make a needle point of that my niece has at her house. It says: "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." It's time to learn to dance in the rain and not beat ourselves up for past mistakes we see in retrospect. We can't change them anyway. As my grandmother used to say: "You can't change the past. All you can do is start from today and do it right."
Looks like I'm going to be a grandma again...
I think this is a really good and healthy way to look at the current situation.
No they haven't found an apartment yet. At least not one they can afford. They have to be looking in thewrong places. She says they looked into a trailer park and that rents were between $600-$1000/month not counting the lot rent. That seems really high for a trailer park. I'm pretty sure you can rent a house in our neighborhood for $1000 a month with no lot rent. Of course the utilities would be higher.
Dd asked today that we let her and dbf set up an apartment for themselves in the basement and they'll pay us rent until they find something. The only surprising thing about their request is they offered to pay rent.
I think that people who herald from areas where marriage and kids are the norm in your late teens grow up faster. I married at 19 but I was a lot more mature than dd (not that I was grown up but I was more responsible). You have to remember that dd is 19 and JUST got her first job. She's a little behind on the curve. Hopefully she'll surprise me.
I have to agree that they probably have been looking in neighborhoods where they already know that the rent is too high so that they can tell you that it is impossible.
Although, we certainly don't see eye to eye on some matters. I totally agree with you that if they move into your home/ basement it will be a very bad idea.
I can easily see DD#1 conveniently "losing her job" because she is too sick to work.
I can easily picture that without her income they will claim that they are not able to find any apartments to rent (if they don't stop looking the second that they move in with you).
Of course, being pregnant probably would mean that she is too tired to do any chores around the house, or to go grocery shopping or to do her own laundry, keep her living space clean, etc. and expect you, or BF, to do it all.
I can easily picture that after the new baby is born, a lot of the childcare would fall on your shoulders, Ivory, if they move in with you.
There have been many threads on C-D written by parents trying to get their 25 or 30 or 35 year old "adult" child and their SO, and all of their grandchildren out of their home and to be responsible adults. I could see a thread like that in your future if you let them move in, even on a very temporary basis.
Be firm. There are apartments that are reasonably priced. They could even get a two bedroom place and share it with room mates. Young couples shouldn't expect to live in the same level of quality and space of houses or apartments that it took their parents 25 years of hard work, marriage and careers to achieve, but some do seem to expect that.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-25-2014 at 03:59 PM..
No they haven't found an apartment yet. At least not one they can afford. They have to be looking in the wrong places. She says they looked into a trailer park and that rents were between $600-$1000/month not counting the lot rent. That seems really high for a trailer park. I'm pretty sure you can rent a house in our neighborhood for $1000 a month with no lot rent. Of course the utilities would be higher.
Dd asked today that we let her and dbf set up an apartment for themselves in the basement and they'll pay us rent until they find something. The only surprising thing about their request is they offered to pay rent.
I think that people who herald from areas where marriage and kids are the norm in your late teens grow up faster. I married at 19 but I was a lot more mature than dd (not that I was grown up but I was more responsible). You have to remember that dd is 19 and JUST got her first job. She's a little behind on the curve. Hopefully she'll surprise me.
Oh my goodness, I hope you told her firmly and gently that would just not work. They will never leave. They have plenty of time right now to be looking for apartments. They have great incentive to do so. Once they move in with you, the incentive is gone. And dont believe that the rent will continue.
They dont need to move in with you. They need to find an apartment....now.
I agree. If you let them move into the basement they won't have any incentive to find a place of their own. You and other daughters will be asked to "watch the baby while I run some errands" and on and on it will go.
Studies on child abuse and neglect would disagree with you. It is human nature to value more that which was hard for us to achieve. It just is. There's no reason children would be an exception here and abuse and neglect statistics would back this up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
Studies indicate that they have lower incidence of neglect and abuse. If we can assume you would not neglect or abuse a child you loved, then one could say that children in the hard won category are more loved. I would expect that hard won children would feel more loved if they are more protected, less likely to be abused or neglected and have parents who are appreciative of the opportunity to be parents and at the end of the day, that's what really matters.
Stop making up fictional studies to back up your point. You do this all the time.
Please show a SINGLE study (let alone studieS) that controlled for the factors we actually KNOW correlate with abuse and neglect (SES, presence of stepparents, addiction/alcoholism, etc.) and showed how much a child was "wanted" (impossible to qualify btw) correlates with abuse/neglect.
I agree. If you let them move into the basement they won't have any incentive to find a place of their own. You and other daughters will be asked to "watch the baby while I run some errands" and on and on it will go.
One can do the same thing even if they don't live home. That has nothing to do with location but the lack of the relatives ability to say no to their children/sibling.
Stop making up fictional studies to back up your point. You do this all the time.
Please show a SINGLE study (let alone studieS) that controlled for the factors we actually KNOW correlate with abuse and neglect (SES, presence of stepparents, addiction/alcoholism, etc.) and showed how much a child was "wanted" (impossible to qualify btw) correlates with abuse/neglect.
Let alone ignoring the abuse and neglect that you hear of happening in adoptive, and foster families, both situations where the parents theoretically really wanted the children there because they jumped through a whole lot of hoops and put in a lot of effort to get them.
Sorry, it's just an absurd claim.
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I think this is a really good and healthy way to look at the current situation.