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I've just never been one of those people who likes babies. I like children. I am good with children. Babies are just not my cup of tea. So I can completely understand how a person might want to adopt, but not be interested in giving birth. I think I would be a great parent, I had great parents as role models, I have a lot to offer. But babies - *ick*.
But, that's okay - because IF we decide to have children, and are able to have them naturally, we'll get through the baby stage (maybe I'll even think our babies are wonderful, who knows) - and then there will be toddlers and children, and yes - eventually teenagers.
I just think its very normal to not be interested in babies, but still want to consider having children. People act like all women LOVE BABIES. Sorry, not true. Even though I want to have children someday, I am not looking forward to the baby part. It has no bearing on my ability to be a great parent someday, just means that I have different likes than many of you.
One thing I want to mention about adopting older children - many are un-adopted & therefore older children for reasons that you may not be able to handle - from developmental issues, emotional problems, etc... If you don't feel you have the energy to give 100% of yourself to a baby, would you really have the energy to cope with a special needs child whom you've adopted?
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Very good points about their history, not to mention, like I said you'd have no clue of the personalities that they are made up of. I will not say it is not a lot of work but you know what, the time flies...by the time you know it, they are 5 and entering kindergarten and asking yourself where did the time go?
Maybe I am reading the above statement wrong but why would you want to adopt a 4 yr old, hope that time flies just to ship them off to kindergarten? I don't know - but I think the joys of parenting include nurturing a child from early on - shaping them into people who will grow up to be kind, generous, compassionate, etc...
My husband and I looked into adoption and there are several children in our county who are 4+ yrs old - they are beautiful children! But none of them have been adopted because they have severe emotional issues that we felt we would not be able to cope with adequately. If one has the countenance to see a child through such a ragged road, then more power to that person! But, you have to look beyond "wouldn't it be great to not have to deal with the baby stage"? IMHO that's not realistic.
Doglover - I am glad you are taking this so seriously & really looking inside yourself for answers but I have to agree with some of the other posters that you don't really sound like you want to have children at all. I think in all fairness to you and any unborn children that if you were to have children it cannot be done simply to make your husband happy. There is your happiness to consider as well.
Actually I wrote that, not the OP. I guess you'd have to read the previous comments but this is what I mean. Very good points about their history, not to mention, like I said you'd have no clue of the personalities that they are made up of. People were mentioning that adopting you don't know what abuse has that child previously been exposed to. I was agreeing. Also, I was mentioning that a father and a mother's personalities make up a child, but you would not be privvy to those personalities if you adopt a child. W/my kids, I may be able to handle them better because I know their personalities are made up of me and my husband.
I will not say it is not a lot of work but you know what, the time flies... What I refer to is having an infant; it is hard work but time flies... by the time you know it, they are 5 and entering kindergarten and asking yourself where did the time go?
I will not say it is not a lot of work but you know what, the time flies... What I refer to is having an infant; it is hard work but time flies... by the time you know it, they are 5 and entering kindergarten and asking yourself where did the time go?
Hopefully this clears it up for you...
This was actually the only part I was referring to in your post; your explanation makes a LOT of sense. I couldn't agree with you more as I've heard that the time does fly & most parents relish every moment in those early years. Thanks for clarifying!
The thought of having a baby never occured to me until I was 30, by then my husband and I had been married for a few years, and we honestly never broached the topic. We were contented DINKS, had a great house and were livng and working exactly where we wanted to be. All of a sudden, we decided to think about having a baby. He was worried about the timing, "are we ready". I told him that we will never be "ready" and that if we wanted kids this was the time, we'd deal with it as it came. Pregnancy, labor, delivery and bringing a baby home ... good lord, if I could write a book on all the stresses on those 3 subjects alone, nobody would want a child! I will also add, that like one of the previous posters I am NOT an infant person. I start liking them once they are able to sit up and sleep longer than 3 hours at a time consistently. But you know what, 3 kids later, the best decision we ever made as a couple was to wait and have kids in our 30's. We were more settled down. Now, we are in our 40's and our kids are the best. And as for infancy, it does go by quickly! My youngest just turned 3 and it's amazing how ... oh, I'll not bore you.
Now don't take this as I think you need to have children, because it's not for everyone. I know some moms who, seriously, despise parenthood. It's not what they thought it would be. You are to be applauded that you are going into it with thought, but don't overthink it. Do you think you are missing out on something if you don't have kids?
We have five kids and I could not live without one of them. I can hardly stand to go to work I enjoy being with them so much. I am going to have a very difficult time when they move away, fortunately that will take a long time (there is a 9 year spread between them).
My sister and her husband have no kids and they would rather die than be in my shoes. They are very happy having their money, privacy, bathroom and toiletries, car, time, and priorities to themselves and would not have it any other way. Although they are happy to have nieces and nephews to play with and spoil on occasion, they are very glad that they can send them away until they feel like another dose of kids. I asked my sister if she ever had regrets and she said "not one, not ever."
It completely depends on your personality. The hard part is that once you choose one way or the other, you really cannot go back. You certainly cannot put them back in once they are born (although you may often want to) and you cannot go back in time and have children once you decide not to (unless you want to have small children in your "golden" years or adopt older children).
I think that for most people, it is not a tough decision. There is usually no question one way or the other. For a few who are in the middle, it is a gut wrenching decision.
Aside from the responsibility and the good and bad aspects of relationships with your children, it is a huge huge financial undertaking. Figure that through your lifetime, you will probably spend somewhere in the vicinity of a million dollars on each of your children. You never stop supporting your children until they start supporting you (maybe after 60 or 70 years). I could do a lot of things with five million!
If you have kids to please your husband and you find that you do not like them, you will begin to resent him. then you will likely end up divorced and possibly stuck with children that you never wanted. You really need to do what is right for you. You cannot be a good mother if you do not want to be. You cannot be a good partner to your spouse if you are miserable.
A question for the OP. Have you thought about what would happen should you have a baby and divorce your husband? Not to be pessimistic but 1/2 or more than 1/2 of marriages fail and I believe that number is a little higher with kids (if I am wrong, please correct me). Who would get custody? You the person that didn't really want the kid or your husband who works 70 hours a week?
We have five kids and I could not live without one of them. I can hardly stand to go to work I enjoy being with them so much. I am going to have a very difficult time when they move away, fortunately that will take a long time (there is a 9 year spread between them).
My sister and her husband have no kids and they would rather die than be in my shoes. They are very happy having their money, privacy, bathroom and toiletries, car, time, and priorities to themselves and would not have it any other way. Although they are happy to have nieces and nephews to play with and spoil on occasion, they are very glad that they can send them away until they feel like another dose of kids. I asked my sister if she ever had regrets and she said "not one, not ever."
It completely depends on your personality. The hard part is that once you choose one way or the other, you really cannot go back. You certainly cannot put them back in once they are born (although you may often want to) and you cannot go back in time and have children once you decide not to (unless you want to have small children in your "golden" years or adopt older children).
I think that for most people, it is not a tough decision. There is usually no question one way or the other. For a few who are in the middle, it is a gut wrenching decision.
Aside from the responsibility and the good and bad aspects of relationships with your children, it is a huge huge financial undertaking. Figure that through your lifetime, you will probably spend somewhere in the vicinity of a million dollars on each of your children. You never stop supporting your children until they start supporting you (maybe after 60 or 70 years). I could do a lot of things with five million!
If you have kids to please your husband and you find that you do not like them, you will begin to resent him. then you will likely end up divorced and possibly stuck with children that you never wanted. You really need to do what is right for you. You cannot be a good mother if you do not want to be. You cannot be a good partner to your spouse if you are miserable.
Okay, this has prompted some thoughts that I have failed to mention...when my dh and I were considering a baby, I would always see the little girls walking around with their bows about 3-4 years of age and think I'd like one of those, yes, good idea. It would never fail, that when we'd talk about it, my mind would go to that vision. You know what, in my mind, I completely blocked out the infant stage? It was not until I was being discharged from the hospital that it occurred to me that hmmm, I have to get the baby from an infant to that beautiful girl w/a bow I so much wanted. WHOA! Yes, my mind played a trick on me! But we lived through it and learned a lot of valuable lessons along the way.
I, too have a sister who has chosen not to have kids, and it is probably the best decision for her. She is no shape to deal w/a child. She is a good aunt but she does very well pointing the kids over to me when it is time to feed them, change, help them, or just to leave.
Once, I told my now 7 year old "you're just lucky I tore up the receipt from the hospital!" The next day, her sister asked me if I still had her receipt ... kept her on the straight and narrow for the day
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Yes, my mind played a trick on me! But we lived through it and learned a lot of valuable lessons along the way.
