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Old 03-06-2016, 06:19 AM
11,686 posts, read 13,078,672 times
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Originally Posted by stepka View Post
...How do other parents deal? Is it this extreme for you? How to fix it?
Since you are getting nowhere on the telephone, have you sat down an written her a decently long email explaining to her what you have explained on C-D?

Why don't you write that you feel cut-off, and are concerned that she is avoiding you and you want to try to get in a better place with her. Without setting an agenda - or worse, a trial scenario, perhaps you could mention some topics (i.e. your illness) that might perhaps be part of the problem.

Text messages are as easily discarded as toilet paper, but most people will look at a written letter and feel compelled to respond....though it's not a never-fail approach.
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Old 03-06-2016, 06:26 AM
5,753 posts, read 3,038,463 times
Reputation: 15092
Seems pretty normal to me. She is doing what she is supposed to do -- become an adult who doesn't call home all the time. Honestly I get the impression that you do talk and see her more than comes across in the post; just not as often as you'd like. Maybe it's a mom/dad thing. DD and I communicate when needed, yet she unfriended her mom on FB for a while, and even asked me to intercede because mom was pestering her about everything.
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Old 03-06-2016, 06:27 AM
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Are you fun to talk to? Do you nag? Do you talk about your illness a lot? Are you depressed?

I think the main reason why someone would avoid talking to their parent to that degree is because taking to them is really uncomfortable. You might need to step back and see where you are going wrong with how you communicate with her. And then fix it. Acknowledge it. And work on fixing it.

It could be that she is angry you aren't treating your cancer. I would be if someone I loved was using "holistic" methods to treat something potentially terminal. I won't lie about that. Maybe she is trying to distance herself, trying not to let that hurt so much.
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Old 03-06-2016, 06:38 AM
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I would be tremendously angry if my mother decided to die without even trying any treatment. Google "breast cancer fungating" for an idea of what is going to happen. Breast cancer is so easily treatable for so many women these days. Even just surgery has a high cure rate, and chemo now is often not the awful experience it used to be.

having said that, if a loved one had tried, and was dying, and had the choice between a very painful treatment which would buy them a few weeks or a few months and palliative care, I would support their choice. But early in the disease, when they could be cured, to just decide to do nothing? I would be very angry. Look at Jess Ainscough, Steve Jobs, etc.
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Old 03-06-2016, 06:58 AM
Location: Prosper
6,268 posts, read 12,105,445 times
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Originally Posted by stepka View Post
and she never answers her phone either. Then I will text her and ask her to choose a time to talk to me but she doesn't answer that either. I know college kids are famous for that but seems mine is worse than most and when I bug her she will finally answer a text but give me a line about how busy she is. Like she can't answer a simple text? She is getting ready to graduate but I am furious with her attitude that talking to mom doesn't matter at all and I'm thinking seriously of cutting her off the cellphone plan. I have paid for all of her college and was always a good mom and even she says so but doesn't feel the need to connect at all. Also, I do understand that young adults are pulling away and building their own lives but it seems extreme to cut all ties.
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
Another reason this hurts so much is because I have breast cancer, which I am dealing with holistically rather than the usual conventional treatment, and maybe she's mad b/c she doesn't believe in that, but if that's the case then she surely believes I'll die and she still doesn't want to talk to me? And like, it's my body. I've known about this for 2-1/2 years and I'm doing very well but I didn't feel that I had a lot of support out of either daughter when the news hit.
And just WHY are you doing this??? Do you not have health insurance or something? That is about the ONLY reason I can think of why you're basically willingly killing yourself.

Honestly, I bet your kids are pretty angry about your decision. I'm angry about it and I don't even know you. What you're doing makes absolutely no sense. Your daughter is off to college, and yes, she probably feels that you will be gone soon. That separation is helping her cope, and probably helping her cope with the fact that you're choosing to make things worse for yourself.

When you're a parent, you don't always get to make decisions based on what YOU want to do. Refusing to treat your cancer the proper way is depriving your children of years of time with you. You'll miss out on their marriage, grand kids, etc.

I seriously hope you reconsider and get proper treatment before it is too late.
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Old 03-06-2016, 07:20 AM
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,961 posts, read 98,795,031 times
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Minus the breast cancer issue, I have the same problem with one of mine. We had a policy or whatever you might want to call it that the kid was to call home on Sundays. Didn't work so well with#2. I learned to accept it. She's 28 now and a little better. She doesn't post a lot on Facebook, either.
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Old 03-06-2016, 07:31 AM
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Your kid's lives have been pretty disrupted and at difficult ages... your husband coming out, then your separation, then your cancer that you are deciding not to treat, then leaving for college. Those are 4 of life's most traumatic transitions for a young person. Added up together, then are an incredible amount of stress.

Yes, they are running.... running.... away. Your home = stressful reminders.

I always think it is strange when parents wonder "what is going on with my kids.....? I'm a good Mom......" when it is so clear what is going on.

I am so sorry to hear you are not treating your cancer. They are probably worried they are going to die soon and that staying far away is a matter of protection. I'm not saying that is right, but that is common. Most people run away from sickness and death.
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Old 03-06-2016, 07:53 AM
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 10,667,768 times
Reputation: 9448
It may be your daughter is terrified that you are going to die and this is her way of pulling back and protecting herself. My grandmother had breast cancer, went the holistic route, and died. My mother got breast cancer had a lumpectomy and radiation and survived. When I got breast cancer I decided to do whatever possible to save my life. I had a mastectomy, which was difficult, but it saved my life. I know my kids were very frightened, but once the decision to do whatever was necessary to save my life was made they were very supportive. Idk why you've chosen not to get medical treatment, and it's none of my business, but breast cancer can be quite survivable these days with proper treatment. I'd say there's a good probability that since you've chosen to go the holistic route your kids may feel that you are not doing everything possible to survive this and are preparing themselves for the inevitable. Cancer is a scary thing. I'd suggest talking to them face to face and finding out what they are thinking and feeling. Best wishes.
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:00 AM
Location: San Antonio
3,183 posts, read 9,224,316 times
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I've avoided talking to my mom my entire adult life. I love her, but she won't stop mothering me. I'm approaching 40, and she still nags me. For example, I'll call her and say something like, "Took the kids to pick raspberries today" and she'll say "I hope you put sunscreen on them so they didn't get a sunburn." It's annoying and it's insulting. She is always nagging. .

Are you mothering her?
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Old 03-06-2016, 08:06 AM
Location: San Antonio
3,183 posts, read 9,224,316 times
Reputation: 4716
Do you guilt trip her? If so, she could be avoiding you.

Does you say "Finally you called me! I wish you'd call me more?" and give her a hard time? That's annoying and tiring and will make her avoid you.

Do you say "I wish you would call more, I might not beat this cancer" because that is depressing and exhausting and make her ignore you.
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