College girl never calls home (smart, children, medicine, girlfriend)

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by stepka

As for the cell phone thing--if she is going to blow me off, why should I pay for it? I've threatened to take it away before, when she was in high school and wouldn't answer my texts or phone calls and now she's 21. Child support has stopped and I make less than $30K/year as a new teacher.

It appears that your daughter has a history of not responding when you call or text. This would have been an especially big problem when she was in HS and, as she was underage & living in your home, you needed to know where she was, when she was coming home and details that would not be as important when she was away at college.


She may always be someone who responds less often to a parent calling. My own kids, vary dramatically in how often we talk to each other. Our adult son has always been the "long chats but infrequent" type person (45 minute or hour long chats maybe once every two or three weeks) and our daughter "quick messages/chats and very frequent" (in college, almost every day but usually only for a minute or two and longer chats maybe once every week or two, out of college as much as a couple times a day but still very brief quick questions or reminders with only occasional long chats).


I know someone who talked with his adult children on the phone only once every six months or so. I was shocked when he mentioned that and assumed that they had a "falling out" but he just explained that was always their pattern for decades as they all were very busy and that is what worked for them. It still seemed odd, but he and they were comfortable with that pattern.


Perhaps, you can agree on a weekly call, such as every Sunday night so that you would always know that you will be speaking to her soon.


Regarding, your breast cancer, I was assuming that not seeking conventional treatment was due to strong religious or moral reasons. And, in that case your daughters need to accept that you would not "break your faith" even if it means that you may die. However, it may still effect them deeply, knowing that you may not be able to be in their lives to provide guidance and support to them, to attend their weddings or know your grandchildren. I know that when a friend of ours, a devote Christian Scientist, followed his faith rather than treat his cancer even his brothers & sisters (also Christian Scientists) were very angry with him. However, they did make peace with him before he died. He did tell people that his decision to forgo treatment may have been different if he was younger (he was in his late 50s when he died) or if he had children.


Perhaps, if you explain in more detail to your daughters why your are not treating your breast cancer with conventional methods they will be more accepting of your decision.


Good luck to you.

[GotHereQuickAsICould]

Aside from the issues of your breast cancer, "over mothering," her building her own life... there is the issue of money.

Money is tight and it appears you are paying for a cell phone plan that doesn't work.

Call the cell phone company and cancel the plan.

I'd bet good money you will hear from your daughter by tomorrow morning.

At that time, you can explain that you will no longer be able to pay her cell phone plan or send her any money. You don't have to explain that you need your $30K/year for holistic healing herbs or that you are pissed at her for not answering her phone.

Just say that you are struggling to get your finances in order and you just can no longer afford to pay her bills.

Period.

She'll figure it out.

Then you both can proceed through life as the adults you both are.

Good luck.

[Katarina Witt]

Originally Posted by sfcambridge

Your kid's lives have been pretty disrupted and at difficult ages... your husband coming out, then your separation, then your cancer that you are deciding not to treat, then leaving for college. Those are 4 of life's most traumatic transitions for a young person. Added up together, then are an incredible amount of stress.

Yes, they are running.... running.... away. Your home = stressful reminders.

I always think it is strange when parents wonder "what is going on with my kids.....? I'm a good Mom......" when it is so clear what is going on.

I am so sorry to hear you are not treating your cancer. They are probably worried they are going to die soon and that staying far away is a matter of protection. I'm not saying that is right, but that is common. Most people run away from sickness and death.

Oh, come on, you and all the others talking like this. This is standard late teen/young adult behavior. Parents who don't have these issues have kids who don't call. Among my closest friends,my brother and me, we all have at least one kid who doesn't communicate frequently, even if the other(s) do. None of us has a terminal illness.

Quit blaming this mom. She wants to communicate with her daughter. I am a registered nurse and very skeptical of alt med, but I don't think that's the issue here.

[theoldnorthstate]

Originally Posted by GiGi603

It may be that she doesn't know how to handle the breast cancer situation. So not talking to you is easier for her to deal with than hearing your voice.

I have three kids. Two are talkative the other one has always been reserved. I am always shocked if he actually answers my phone calls. Now that he is 30, he will call me once a week. When he was still in college I would continue to call him every week, the conversations were short and distant. It tore my heart but I wasn't going to give up on him. I refused to give him the guilt---my mil would be horrible with my husband about him not calling her. My husband would hate calling his mother for the fact that he was guilted into it. I feel good that I was patient with my son and now he will initiate the calls once a week or at least return my call once a week. Hey it took 10 years but whoa he finally talks to me on the phone!

Personally I wouldn't confront her. She is making her way through life, not the easiest thing to do when one is in their 20's.

Long ago when my sons were toddlers I read a parenting book---the page that always stuck in my head was:
"love them when they least deserved to be loved". Maybe add "pay their cell phone bill even when they don't call you".

I agree with Gigi. Push her and you will lose. Love her through this and give her time and space. Be the bigger person. Maybe establish your own counseling, support system for the health problems. It may be yours to bear.

I too have a 30 year old son who calls me weekly and we talk about life. It is worth the wait since he used to seldom call. His sister is less likely to call or text but we will see how she does when she matures.

Just a mention on the health thing, neither child can take the thought of me not being strong. In their eyes I am the strong one who took care of all things. Just saying...

[GotHereQuickAsICould]

We have a child who rarely calls us.

It has nothing to do with whether we were good parents, or her not loving us. It's just the way it is. We are just no longer a significant part of her life. She has moved on. Which is fine. That's what we wanted for her -- a full, rich life of her own.

It took me a while to get it.

We talk with and see our other kids on a regular basis, but only hear from her when she wants something.

It still hurts, but that's just the way it is.

[photobuff42]

Stepka, your situation here is as clear as the mud in the Mississippi. I am sorry that you are hurting. You need to feel your children rally around you as you fight your cancer. Lots of posters have pointed out possibilities for why your daughter has been nonresponsive, and frankly they all potentially make sense.

I can speak to one, the breast cancer. As a daughter, it is frightening to know your mom has it. She probably has people asking her questions about it, and your treatment. She may be frightened that she will inherit the gene for it and get it, too. She may be wondering how much time you have left. She may not know what to say to people who ask questions, including people who say insensitive things.

She needs to have answers to those questions, regardless of whether or not this is at the heart of the calling issue.

I would invite her to your next doctor's appointment. Get all of these questions discussed, and any others you can think of. Let her ask questions about how you are choosing to treat your cancer.

Go have mother/daughter time afterward.

{{{Hugs}}}

[gentlearts]

When I was her age, I didn't call home much either. This was before cell phones. Only when I had grown children, did I realize that it would have been more considerate to my parents to call them more. At that age though, it is healthy for kids to separate.

I, too, have seen that my grown kids do not answer the phone much but they do tend to respond to text messages, so this is how I communicate with them. I keep it to important things, and not a bunch of idle chit chat.

If I had a child in college, whose bills I was paying, I would request that out of respect she answer my messages promptly. If she still failed to do this, I would cut off the phone. I suspect this would fix the problem.

[The Dissenter]

OP, I think your choice of treatment for your cancer is a major factor in why your daughter does not contact you. The way I would think she sees it, you are choosing to die and leave her voluntarily. Totally different situation and not as dire but my father was very absent from my life at times and came and went as he pleased. I decided to stop talking to him in HS and college because why would I talk to him and attempt maintain a close relationship knowing full and hell well that he is very likely to pick up and walk away again when he feels like it. Not saying this is 100% true but your daughter may have the same thoughts as I did and really is trying to shield herself emotionally if the worst is to happen, I know I did myself.

[The Dissenter]

Yes OP, I'm going to address the cancer part of your situation again. I don't have any idea how old you are. To me as a son, if my mother was in your situation, the age you were and my age would impact how I'd react to your situation. To me, there is a major difference in you being relatively young say upper 40s and still having a child in college who needs a lot of emotional/financial support from you and you choosing to treat your ailment in a way that will likely lead to your death soon and her losing a major source of her support. Then there would be my age late 20s, supporting myself and having a strong support system so I don't need my mother's support that much. My mother is in her 60s and has lived a pretty full life and I could see if she didn't want to live through the nightmare of fighting cancer. I would be much more accomdating of the latter and really angry and want to shut out emotionally at the former. All of this is just trying to see through your daughter's eyes.

[blueherons]

That's normal. College kids don't want to talk to their parents.

She's probably also trying to distance herself from you for trying to cure yourself non traditionally.

I'd suggest therapy ASAP while all three girls are home.