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View Poll Results: Do I say something about how I feel?
Talk to her in private 17 34.00%
Talk to him in private 2 4.00%
Talk to both of them 0 0%
Say nothing 31 62.00%
Voters: 50. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 11-17-2018, 10:23 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,208 posts, read 3,697,637 times
Reputation: 13723

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OP, I had to really think about your poll and what I'd do. 1, stay out of it, or 2, talk to her in private.

I chose 2, talk to her in private, but not to run him down on the baby talk. Something must have appealed to her about him talking like that to her and I imagine he's done this from day one, so that part is HER business. If it annoys you OP, you're just going to have to suck it up and ignore it.

What I WOULD talk to her about is ask her if he is controlling. Warning bells rang when you said the boyfriend doesn't like her showing affection for her family. He is jealous, plain and simple and with jealousy comes a huge can of worms in a relationship, including control, and often abuse.

She might protect him and say no, or she might open up a little bit.

Whatever she says or doesn't say, tell her you are there for her no matter what, and if she ever wants to come home or needs someone to talk to, you are there for her. She'll have to figure the rest out.

Just hope that he is a good person inside, and if not, that she comes to her senses and leaves him.
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Old 11-17-2018, 11:18 PM
 
2,308 posts, read 4,437,182 times
Reputation: 5211
There's an indirect way you could address some of the annoyance. "I notice Joe talks to you in a baby voice sometimes. That's kind of funny." Say it with a smile and it will come out as an observation, not a criticism. It would be interesting to see if she thinks it's cute, or if it bothers her, too, but she overlooks it because he has other qualities she values.

I do agree with the above comment, though. It's concerning that you say he doesn't like it when she shows affection to her family. How does he express this? He shouldn't be threatened by or jealous of that.
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Old 11-17-2018, 11:51 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
7,293 posts, read 2,285,500 times
Reputation: 9984
This adult daughter must like the clingy behavior and getting the baby-talk or she would have given this boyfriend the boot by now. Some people have odd taste. Let her fulfill hers, if that's what floats her boat. But I'll tell you, if I was considering a woman and I learned that she'd kept company with a guy like that, I'd be looking elsewhere.
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Old 11-18-2018, 02:16 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,175 posts, read 7,276,408 times
Reputation: 50300
What you have is a conflict of personality, but, unfortunately your daughter does not share that experience. I would not alienate your daughter by voicing a negative opinion about someone she is in love with. If she asks you then try to be diplomatic about it. It's her choice on who she wants to be with, not yours. Let her grow in her way. She may very well wind up being married to him and having children with him. It might be best to try and just get along.
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Old 11-18-2018, 09:11 AM
 
13,048 posts, read 12,559,533 times
Reputation: 37418
OMG, don't say anything. Just don't criticize someone's chosen mate to them unless you have observed potentially abusive behavior or DANGEROUS behavior. You have described neither and the only thing that may be a legit complaint is that he SEEMS jealous of her getting attention from her family. That's a big red flag, but until he does something controlling right in front of you or acts to alienate her from her family or friends, keep your mouth shut. If you say negative things about him now, she will either be angry or ignore you and then if things DO go bad, she won't feel good confiding in you.
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Old 11-18-2018, 09:12 AM
 
4,950 posts, read 2,210,447 times
Reputation: 12624
Double standards? It's okay for this bf to express his discontent ... but not okay for you as a loving adult parent?
I wish I had spoken up when my son was betrothed the first time. I saw where that train wreck was headed. And ...No. no its not okay to sit idly by when you know the person is going to ruin your loved one. He now has a beautiful second wife. Her beauty is in her kindness and genuine care . You bet I voiced directly to her what I thought of her. She knows that I adore her and respect her ways. She really has been influential in inspiring my son to go after his life goals.

So speak up next time. Do so with inquisitiveness. ..
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Old 11-18-2018, 10:08 AM
 
3 posts, read 770 times
Reputation: 15
They have been dating a little over a year and are now looking at apartments together. I guess my biggest worry is that he seems to want ALL her attention. When she shows affection to her family he gets jealous. She hugged her sister and he said "don't hug her, hug me!" I understand that I don't have to like him but I don't want her to be blinded by love.
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Old 11-18-2018, 10:11 AM
 
Location: Central New Jersey
1,694 posts, read 589,699 times
Reputation: 2936
Since she's an adult, you need not get involved.
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Old 11-18-2018, 10:47 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,777 posts, read 22,890,307 times
Reputation: 17573
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tash99 View Post
They have been dating a little over a year and are now looking at apartments together. I guess my biggest worry is that he seems to want ALL her attention. When she shows affection to her family he gets jealous. She hugged her sister and he said "don't hug her, hug me!" I understand that I don't have to like him but I don't want her to be blinded by love.
He's a red flag imho; I'm stating this from personal experience and knowledge. Even so, I lean towards the 4th pole option. You want to keep the lines of communication open without judgment. My feeling is she's blinded now; fortunately it doesnt last. Control and adoration are a dangerous combination.
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Old 11-18-2018, 10:50 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
73,251 posts, read 64,833,652 times
Reputation: 69319
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tash99 View Post
They have been dating a little over a year and are now looking at apartments together. I guess my biggest worry is that he seems to want ALL her attention. When she shows affection to her family he gets jealous. She hugged her sister and he said "don't hug her, hug me!" I understand that I don't have to like him but I don't want her to be blinded by love.
Thank you for being more specific, OP. This is weird. This is not normal. Most people understand, that people are capable of hugging more than one person; there is not a finite number of hugs in the world, that will get depleted, if someone "spends" their hugs on people they'r'e directly related to, vs. a significant other. Your daughter's bf doesn't seem to understand this. This points to some kind of mental health condition; at the very least, a personality disorder, if not a cognitive impairment of some sort. Someone who's "merely" controlling probably wouldn't blurt out "don't hug her, hug me", like a child. Still, it raises questions, of whether this guy may turn out to be controlling and ultimately either emotionally of physically abusive over time.

This isn't even a question of liking or disliking a person. I would be worried about your daughter. Rather than couching this in terms of a dislike for the man, you could ask your daughter what she thinks of his unusual behavior, and give a couple of examples. Show heartfelt concern, rather than disapproval. This would change the energy with which you approach the matter, and would be less likely to trigger an oppositional or defensive response in her.
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