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14 and 15 year old people give little thought to where things come from. Food, clothes, movie tickets, ... it's all manna from heaven.
As a new mother, here's some advice from an old mother.
Pay attention to your feelings. Work through them a bit before involving your new son. Just as you are doing here.
Focus on the important things. My first thought was how great that you get to model good relationships and encourage and support him as he takes this step into this new world. Priceless.
Make some time for just the two of you to do things together. Find out what he's passionate about, what he loves to read, what his dreams are, ...
Having a son is magical, truly a gift from the goddess. I'm not kidding. You are only going to get a few years before he takes off on his adventures in the world. Don't waste a minute. He'll be gone before you know it.
Throw your heart around him and love him with everything you got.
My stepson got an ice cream that was $2. Hers was $6. My stepson got the cheapest candy there was @ the movies … she wanted the giant size popcorn. My stepson is respectful of our money somewhat. The gf is not.
Was the popcorn all hers? That seems like a lot of popcorn for a 14 year old girl. What did everyone else get?
If you and your husband also get popcorn, I wouldn't give them options at the concession stand. Get the large popcorn combo that comes with 2 drinks. Most theaters will give you a drink tray or plastic bag that you can divide the popcorn into if you don't all want to be eating from the same bag.
As for ice cream, maybe find a way to say you're going out for ice cream cones, or stop for ice cream at McDonald's. Or learn to say no when they start asking for a bunch of extras.
As far as your original concern about the daughter's parents not sending her with money...
I don't recall ever really hanging out with my friends or boyfriends' families. If we wanted to go to the movie, our parents dropped us off at the movies. Same for going to the pool, amusement park, etc...
Does your husband enjoy going to the movies with his son? Paying the few extra dollars for his girlfriend might be the best option, otherwise if you start saying no to her coming on family outings, they might start making it a date for 2. And since your husband is his sons source of money, you still might end up paying for her to go our with your son. The only difference is you'll be paying $50 for your son's outing, and $50 for your outing.
The thing is, he’s lived with his mom up until about beginning of this year. He asked to come live with us. We live in a different state than his mother - i’ve never had a full-time child - this was literally kind of thrown at me.
I don't think this is really about the money. It is just a smoke screen.
His child has come unexpectedly into your territory.
Who's side do you think your husband is going to take?
I get how "she" didn't sign up for an instant teen to grace their life. Given that she had time prior to the wedding to discuss this option should it been imposed.
I imagine as a teen ..in today's age..money is not an object. Most fund their wardrobe without parents $. So going out is this young chaps deed to support. I personally am all about Dutch treat. Consider that as an option. Go out and announce..hey! Next time and hence forward..Dutch treat is the mantra.
I wonder if this hubby is getting child support ..he can give his son some of it. It's technically for the kid anyways...despite how adults think othe wise.
It's not expensive for 3 people but 4 it is b/c of the things the gf wants. My stepson is very low maintenance. The outing was supposed to be for just the 3 of us .. she tagged along and it got infinitely more expensive.
My stepson got an ice cream that was $2. Hers was $6. My stepson got the cheapest candy there was @ the movies … she wanted the giant size popcorn. My stepson is respectful of our money somewhat. The gf is not.
IMO, she seems a bit high maintenance. She is an only child and I bet you the parents spoil her rotten. How does my husband say no to someone else's kid wanting what they want? How does one do that tactfully?
The girlfriend should know you don't get the most expensive item when someone else is paying for it.
We weren't scraping until she came along.
You and your husband need to come up with budget on what you are willing to spend. Then review that budget with your stepson. Before the girlfriend comes on an outing review what you will pay for. For the movies you can say "We'll pay for the movie tickets and give you $10 for food". I would give him the $ and let him work out how he wants to allocate it. IMO when they asked for ice cream you could have said no ice cream tonight.
It may be awkward to tell the girlfriend no but you need to get your stepson more involved and start putting some of the costs on him. If he gets an allowance he can use some of that to pay for her.
My stepson is 15 and he has his first girlfriend. It's great and he is very sweet to her and they seem like they both like each other a lot.
Lately he has been asking her to come on our family outings. I don't particularly mind, but every time she comes with us, we have to pay for her. My husband and I don't make a lot of money. Her parents never send her out with any money so that ultimately falls on us. Conversely, whenever our stepson goes out with her family, we send him with money, b/c we feel that is the right thing to do.
Not sure if we should say something or just let it go?
You need to say something ,but not to her or her parents...……...you need to talk to your son. Personally, I would find it strange to pay for my wife and son, and then ask her to pay for her own way. How would you do that gracefully ? "Ok, the bill comes to $100, so Melissa, you need to kick in $20."
Maybe let your step son pay her portion, at 15 he should have an allowance or some money, plus he is the one doing the inviting. If he can't, then tell him to stop asking other people to come.
My stepson is 15 and he has his first girlfriend. It's great and he is very sweet to her and they seem like they both like each other a lot.
Lately he has been asking her to come on our family outings. I don't particularly mind, but every time she comes with us, we have to pay for her. My husband and I don't make a lot of money. Her parents never send her out with any money so that ultimately falls on us. Conversely, whenever our stepson goes out with her family, we send him with money, b/c we feel that is the right thing to do.
Not sure if we should say something or just let it go?
How long has this gone on for? In my opinion; her parents probably figure that your son (or you parents) should be paying their daughters way because they're dating.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181
They may not want her to but they let her … but paying for her shouldn't be our responsibility, especially when we drop him off at their house for a day out, I always say to the mother "He has this amount of $$" so they know we gave him something. Whether they actually pay for him, IDK, but it's the principal that when you are going out with someone else's family, you should have $$.
I've read all of your replies. You have a sticky situation that sounds like it's gone on way too long.
Ask your step son who pays when he goes with them. I bet he uses all the money you give him; he probably pays some of the stuff the GF gets. Sounds like her family is taking advantage of your son; if you're sending money, they're going to use it. They know how much money he has because you're telling them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181
It's not expensive for 3 people but 4 it is b/c of the things the gf wants. My stepson is very low maintenance. The outing was supposed to be for just the 3 of us .. she tagged along and it got infinitely more expensive.
My stepson got an ice cream that was $2. Hers was $6. My stepson got the cheapest candy there was @ the movies … she wanted the giant size popcorn. My stepson is respectful of our money somewhat. The gf is not.
IMO, she seems a bit high maintenance. She is an only child and I bet you the parents spoil her rotten. How does my husband say no to someone else's kid wanting what they want? How does one do that tactfully?
The girlfriend should know you don't get the most expensive item when someone else is paying for it.
We weren't scraping until she came along.
When I used to go to the movies, I brought my own snacks and drinks which is a lot cheaper. If you're not able to sneak them in with a large pocketbook; as others have said, when you go to the movies, say you have $5 or whatever dollar amount for snacks, they have to figure it out what they both can get with that $5. If she likes popcorn she can get a smaller one.
Next suggestion would be to talk to her parents and be straight with them that you can't afford to pay for her all of the time and that sending her with at least say $10 to put towards movie snacks would be big help. I wouldn't talk to the girlfriend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181
In her defense, she is 14. I don't think she know what things costs. I think she is just getting what she wants to get and not asking about the price. I don't necessarily think she is doing it all on purpose. Some things, probably. But a lot of it, she probably just doesn't know.
My daughter knew the cost of things at 14.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181
She has a few Michael Kors bags. I think she likes 'nice' things and is used to getting them from family members.
My stepson is not a brand guy. He is happy with stuff from Walmart. We have bought him some stuff from Express. He didn't like them.
Michael Kors can be bought cheap at Marshall's and TJ Maxx. Possible her parents are doing the same as I did with my daughter. My daughter also wore the latest name brands but we shopped the clearance section unless it was something she really, really wanted; but even then she had issues paying the regular price because she knew we'd eventually be able to buy it on clearance.
She also wore a lot of Victoria's Secret Pink; I had their credit card back then where you got deals and VS gift card cash. I was always buying bras on sale; buy 2, get one free which then came with the gift card cash to use next sale. A normally $60 hoodie for her could cost me $20.
There are tons of ways these days to get brand names cheap by using cash back sites and online coupons. There are facebook groups dedicated to online coupon shopping and all sorts of deals. Possible her mother shops for her this way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dijkstra
Gentlemen pay the way for their dates. I specifically told my son that when he takes a girl/girlfriend out, he pays her way.
The solution is really simple. If you don't want to pay her way, quit inviting her out with you.
Agree
Last edited by Roselvr; 04-10-2019 at 08:03 AM..
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