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If I had found "the one" in high school, then sure, I wouldn't have minded getting married at all. But if you need to search
Ah...but you don't... that is the fatal detail that traps many. I will grant that you may not find "the one" in high school, many don't. But that is the time when many at least find "a one". Someone they can practice with. Then college and more practice. If you didn't go to college (and many didn't... didn't need to) there was work, church, friends. Real life. If despite all that you couldn't find anyone, if not "the one". Cats. Lots of cats.
Harsh, but essentially sound. There are a number of 30+ that post here regularly about how 'hard it is' to find "the one". Those of us in the trenches know that there isn't any such thing as "the one". You find someone, anyone, and you work with them, or you don't. Lather, rinse, repeat. You will NOT find lasting happiness as a never married 40 something. You have gotten too weird by then with so much time to nurse your instrinsic eccentricities. Now if you have been in steady relationships all that time, fine. That is something else. If you are living at home, no, that does not set you up to meet anyone of quality. They will not understand your lifestyle. If they do.... run. They intend to exploit your naivete and that can be costly, in all senses and tenses of the word.
We are all so different and random that it CANNOT be the case that you just have to wait for that unique juxtaposition of snowflakes to occur. Any bloke (in theory) can work with any Sheila and it really is in the minds of each that makes it happen... or not. If my SO hadn't met me, she would be making a go of it with someone else. Guaranteed. She is not one to sit around waiting for "the one". She has been with a low number of very different men, tall, short, fat, thin, extroverted, introverted, she married two of them and the marriages lasted several years. One <smile> is still going ten years on. The only commonality... we have all been male. There is no one person for anyone. So there is no reason to wait for that one person. The more you think its some big important decision with lots of portent for the future, the more you are inclined to wait too long because its so important. Nah. It's just two people hooking up for longer than one night. Longer than 1001 nights. How are you going to get to 10,000,001 nights if you aren't willing to invest 1001 nights with no guarantee of anything!
Keep in mind that you don't have to date with the expectation that every relationship will lead to marriage. After a boyfriend dumped me in the middle of chemo, I decided I would just date. Dated all through chemo, despite gaining a ton of weight, losing my hair, and, you know, the inconvenience of chemo every other week. And then I dated casually while trying to get my life back on track. It's all experience - and experience is a good thing for getting down to what you want.
After my last relationship before my partner ended, I decided that if I did online dating, I would go on at least one date with any guy who asked me out so long as he seemed on a similar trajectory to me (i.e. went to college and not moonlighting as a bartender nights, no face tattoos, not dedicatedly child free). My partner is not someone who on paper I would have thought would make sense, but if either of us was even slightly more reckless, we would have been one of those stories where someone meets in August, gets engaged in October, and married by January. Neither of us is perfect and we're both still recovering from financial bumps in our early-mid 20s, and we both work 60-80 hours a week (plus he just finished an MBA on top of it and I have another 6 months before I finish my master's). We make sure to make time for each other, even if realistically neither of our lives are ideal for a serious relationship.
All I'm saying is don't put your entire life on hold until everything is perfect.
Also, don't limit yourself to online dating. It can work out (as it did for me) but it's definitely not ideal. Do you volunteer? Participate in any group-oriented hobbies? Heck, I just went to a wedding of a couple who met at my local brewery's pub trivia night!
I don't have to. I do keep the possibility of marriage in mind. FWIW, I've never really dated. Never been in a relationship. I've given it a try a few times. I'm pretty much green.
The man who dumped you while you were sick, I wonder what kind of person would do that.
I've tried online dating several times in my 20s. It never worked out for me. Right now, I'm not doing anything. I am just focusing on my career, other personal things in my life. Like you, I hit alot of bumps in my 20s. Health problems, both physical and emotional(I'm prone to getting depressed alot), financial problems, some mistakes I made.
I tend to be a take it or leave it person on many things. I do, however, would like to make sure I have something to bring to the table. I expect the same when it comes to women. I don't have tattoos or children. I have a job and a college education. I am goal oriented. I still live with my parents, so that I could let slide.
I haven't volunteered in a while. I tend to do alot of things alone. However, I do try to get out there, meet some people.
So get married, or don't get married. What's the big deal? Live your life the way you want. There is no shortage of people marrying or having kids in this world. In fact, reducing the population is going to be very important as AI and automation eliminates ways for masses of people to earn a living. Particularly people who aren't blessed with a good IQ.
What women say they want and who they actually let inject their juice into them are 2 different things.. women want to have the alpha bad boy's kids, and have the wealthy beta male raise them while she continues to have "fun" with other alphas on the side.. she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Time and time again I see them caught in lies, flirting with their "guy friends" who they claim "he's just a friend" and all that nonsense. Monogamy is not for everyone.. but it would be nice to at least see both sexes be HONEST with each other. Our society is built in a foundation of "polite deception" where nobody says what they really think. I'd say it's that aspect that annoys me the most.
I can RESPECT an honest person. I don't respect people who are polite and then trash others behind their back, or cheat on their boyfriends/girlfriends, but this behavior is far more common than many realize. Trash, the whole lot of em.
How many women do you really know that have said that exact thing. I know it is a meme that women want confident males and often that leads to jerks but this sounds completely different and entirely false.
Fewer people getting married is not something to be alarmed about. Multiple children born out of wedlock and children being raised in homes by those who are not ready to be parents, I would worry about that more. Look at the ghettos. Look at the number of number of those being raised by single parents who were never ready to be parents. The boys who learned manhood from the neighborhood thugs. The females who never learned how to be good women and slept around with multiple men. The males who slept around with multiple women, getting them pregnant. Accounts of this has taken place since the 1950s.
Ah...but you don't... that is the fatal detail that traps many. I will grant that you may not find "the one" in high school, many don't. But that is the time when many at least find "a one". Someone they can practice with. Then college and more practice. If you didn't go to college (and many didn't... didn't need to) there was work, church, friends. Real life. If despite all that you couldn't find anyone, if not "the one". Cats. Lots of cats.
Harsh, but essentially sound. There are a number of 30+ that post here regularly about how 'hard it is' to find "the one". Those of us in the trenches know that there isn't any such thing as "the one". You find someone, anyone, and you work with them, or you don't. Lather, rinse, repeat. You will NOT find lasting happiness as a never married 40 something. You have gotten too weird by then with so much time to nurse your instrinsic eccentricities. Now if you have been in steady relationships all that time, fine. That is something else. If you are living at home, no, that does not set you up to meet anyone of quality. They will not understand your lifestyle. If they do.... run. They intend to exploit your naivete and that can be costly, in all senses and tenses of the word.
We are all so different and random that it CANNOT be the case that you just have to wait for that unique juxtaposition of snowflakes to occur. Any bloke (in theory) can work with any Sheila and it really is in the minds of each that makes it happen... or not. If my SO hadn't met me, she would be making a go of it with someone else. Guaranteed. She is not one to sit around waiting for "the one". She has been with a low number of very different men, tall, short, fat, thin, extroverted, introverted, she married two of them and the marriages lasted several years. One <smile> is still going ten years on. The only commonality... we have all been male. There is no one person for anyone. So there is no reason to wait for that one person. The more you think its some big important decision with lots of portent for the future, the more you are inclined to wait too long because its so important. Nah. It's just two people hooking up for longer than one night. Longer than 1001 nights. How are you going to get to 10,000,001 nights if you aren't willing to invest 1001 nights with no guarantee of anything!
I think you're taking my term "search" a little too literally. I wasn't talking about going on some great quest to find my soul mate (or snowflake), I just meant meeting a person that you want to marry. I wouldn't suggest anyone find the next bloke on the street and expect to spend the rest of their lives "working" on making him fit her life, nor would I suggest anyone go looking for their carbon copy. It's of course a balance of the two to find someone you want to share your life with.
Also, if someone gets a decent amount of attention, the "search" is in getting to know each one and evaluating which one is a better fit and if that one is good enough to keep. Unless you think a person should just marry the first one that asks you out, in chronological order? The "search" isn't a google search; it's a process of finding AND getting to know them in order to make your decision.
College tuition. $78. per term at a major state college, when I started. A whole year of tuition, books, supplies, room and board at a dormitory, $960. Rent. $15. per month at a 4-bedroom home, where we lived at my birth. The house my parents built two years later cost $6,000. and sold recently, for $360,000. Food. I remember ground beef at 15 cents per pound. The best cheddar cheese at 20 cents a lb. Christmas trees. Free, if you went out of town and cut your own. No one objected, as long as it wasn't out of someone's front yard. Gasoline and heating oil. 15 cents and 11.5 cents per gallon. Soda pop and candy bars. 5 cents. Ice cream cones, 5 cents. City bus fare. 5 cents. A new car. $700. Visiting any park. Free. Car registration and plates. $5. a year. Health and dental care. Visit to a doctor. $6. Broken bone set and cast. $25. Dentist. Cavity filled, $5. Hospital, $15. a night. Movie theatre. 25 cents for kids, 35 cents for adults. College football game. 50 cents for kids, $1. for adults. Airplanes. A new Piper Cub. $1,500. For veterans, a new A6 Trainer (assembly required) $750. Books. A huge, complete works of Shakespeare, $12. new, $8. used. Most large, college texts were $4. to $7., new.
When was this? When I worked in a hospital in the early 70s in a rural area, a hospital room was about $40/night.
Well what else would people do, give up altogether?
Yes, actually. Did you see that movie "The Lobster" with Colin Ferrel? It was a fictional world where people had to be coupled by law, and if for whatever reason you weren't at the moment (separation, divorce, death of spouse), you were given only a few weeks at a special retreat to find someone (or someone new) or be turned into an animal of your choice.
I saw it as a dark (very) satire on the endless searching (or just waiting) that many people do in real life. Getting into divorcee market territory is fine if you are both divorcees. It would be difficult I think for a 40 y.o. divorcee to understand how to work with another 40 y.o. who had never had a long term relationship at all. There should be a point. A hard cut-off, where we say essentially... "closing time in 12 weeks". Not because there is anything wrong with remaining single, but it would remove the stress of still hoping when its clear that there isn't any hope left.
I had some bad times on dating sites because there are quite a number of 44 y.o. and older women that are desperate to marry and have children. They make very demanding dating material. They want to know where (and how) things are going just hours in. They angrily accuse you of wasting their time if you aren't constantly reassuring them that your intentions are honorable. But there is also this critical appraisal that is at work at the same time making them question whether you are really good enough for them. Can it really be this easy. Yeah. A hard cut-off. The only people over 40 that should be on dating sites are those that can truly not be invested in outcomes. Those that can end things without regret over the amount of time "wasted". And enjoy what was good, learn from what wasn't and move on.
OMG.. that was entertaining... sort of. I think it speaks to MY point more than the Mariners though. Some middle ground should be the societal norm don't you think? And it cannot be driven by the individual couples. Peoples opinions are formed by the realities of their situations. Its situations that need to change for "Middle Class" Americans to feel comfortable 'exhaling'. But children aren't the only reaon to be with someone. People who aren't with anyone, using the profligacy of 'ghetto' people as validation are missing the point. There are high intelligence, high net worth, power couples, that are childless. It IS possible to have a satisfying relationship that does not include children. By choice.
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