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Usually because they were raised in an abuse home of some type, that is almost always the core reason. Very few women who grow up with great Dads get into these relationships.
Many women who were abused can't bond with non abusers, science thinks its genetic after three generations. They have to chose not to have relationships. Be nicer to spinsters and loners, you never know why they chose to be that way.
absolutely untrue.
My dad is a great dad. My two brothers are GREAT men!
Why did I stay with these guys? I'm a victim of every kind of childhood abuse, and I've come to equate abuse with love. If a guy doesn't abuse me, it seems like something is missing, and I get bored. When a guy abuses me, it feels good and I feel like we have an intense, passionate relationship. Its exciting. I know its unhealthy and now I've vowed to stay out of these relationships.
My current wife had a thing for "bad boys". It's only now that she's older and wiser that she has learned to stick with someone like boring old me that doesn't inject drama into her life all the time, and oh, by the way, I don't abuse her.
They are drama hores. Being with a normal guy, equals boring to them. They like the high and low of addictive relationships.
And many, when they do think about leaving, realize their standard of living will go way down, and have no desire to really change. Or their self esteem is so low, they think they won't be able to function without their spouse "taking care" of them.
The problem is that abuse frequently escalates, and women who put up with it, finally realize, too late, that their lives are in danger. Sadly.
It is very interesting to watch the show about Ike and Tina Turner, it shows an entire cycle of abuse in a relationship. And how Tina finally did decide to leave. Good for her.
Last edited by jasper12; 09-02-2013 at 11:59 PM..
Reason: Edit
it's called co-dependency in this situation and some states the law is not on the victim's side for example on investigation discovery there are stories like this and many states have limited resources/limited laws etc. and some women are still in prison for killing their husband/boyfriend in self-defense before the laws were changed though most have been pardoned i don't remember the name of the documentary but it was really good and it's also just recent that all states have a law against marital rape and most (like my state of tenn) it has to be a violent act with a weapon and/or they have to be physically separated it's changing i can remember when my dad legally raped my mom many times because it wasn't illegal and also in shelters he found her but now if cops tell they get fired it's a whole different world from the 70s and 80s but yet even in this new time i know of a case in big stone gap, va where i'm from where a woman was killed by her ex and most people thought she deserved it for leaving her abuser and he got almost no time in jail for it that was in 96 or 97 if i remember correctly
Should've been around in the 60s! Now those were the days! My, then, dh beat the crap out of me with a belt, half ripping my clothes off in the process. I went to the police to report it and find out if I could keep him away from me. You know what they told me?? They told me that I didn't "really" want to go through with this. If we went to court HE would lose hours at work to go. And IF he did, by chance, get sent to jail we'd have NO income. They, more or less, instructed me to "go home and stay out of trouble". I really and truly hated those people for a while. I went to the local welfare office to see if they would help me and my kids get out of there. The counselor told me I didn't "really" want to leave...I just needed a VACATION! Well, I WAS tired. I had three kids 3,4 and 5 and a third grader so, yeah, my days were full and no help from any quarter. Good thing I was young and had a lot of energy! It was that way from day one though and three babies in diapers is a real trip!
I learned all about marital rape too. The words I'm sick, I'm too tired, etc. were not in his vocabulary. He worked 2-10 PM our entire married life. After work he hit the bars...every single night. I rarely saw the man till 2 or 3 AM when he'd come home drunk, wake me up and have his "fun". No wonder I had three babies in three years. Oh, and two of those were conceived on the "pill". At the time I was taking a med that negated the pill but nobody realized it. It was a brand new thing at the time and I don't think they'd done enough research yet. He cheated on me too, at least once, because I just wasn't "fun" anymore.
He was NOT a 'nice man'. But none of it showed up till we'd been married a couple of years. I will never, as long as I live, forget the first time he ever hit me. Knocked me clear across the kitchen. Why? Because he was criticizing the way I was feeding my baby and I simply told him...not nasty either...that he COULD feed him himself if I'm doing it wrong. Wrong thing to say and from that day forward I had a real fear of him. I spent the next 6 years consciously WORKING to NOT make him mad at me. I was the best wife I knew how to be and turned into the biggest doormat this side of a carpet factory. That was NOT me or how I'd been raised. He was controlling, arrogant and thought he "knew it all". He MADE the money, he SPENT the money. I wanted a checking account and to help with the bill paying. Nope. I wanted to buy a decent house for us. Nope. (His next wife got that) I had to ask for every penny I needed and then had to account for where it went. He, on the other hand, could have anything he wanted. One time he gave me $5. He told me if I spent ONE penny of it on the kids he'd never give me anymore. I bought training pants. He never gave me anymore. He was also jealous of his own kids. As I said...he was NOT a nice man.
I got away as soon as I could, really. I wasn't one of those women who thought I didn't deserve better, or that was the way it was supposed to be. I never felt particularly low about myself but I suppose my doormat status probably did affect my self esteem some. Getting away from that situation was like escaping from jail. Better for me and my kids. I've never regretted it.
You know, looking back, the God's truth of it is that I should've just smacked that man over the head with a cast iron skillet! Made him afraid of ME! lol
It's not hopeless. I was in an abusive (physical, mental and emotional) relationship for eleven years. I finally got my kids and myself out of that relationship and have never been in an abusive relationship since.
It took a lot of self education and difficult introspection, and counseling, as well as leaving him and going to a shelter with my kids on Thanksgiving Day - in other words it was very difficult - for me to break out of the mindset I had which had previously kept me in that relationship.
But enough women do escape such relationships for me to know without a doubt that it IS NOT HOPELESS.
It took me 8 years to get out of mine and, like you, I've never had an abusive relationship since. Unless you count the one who wanted to 'change' me to suit some vision he had of what HIS wife should be. That wasn't abusive but it WAS controlling and arrogant.
I can't imagine landing in a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving Day. I can only imagine and I know it would be difficult. But good for you for doing it!
I've never had counseling but I've always been my own "counselor" since I was very young. I knew that I didn't deserve what I was given. I knew I was a good person and should be respected, at the least, by the man who professed to LOVE me. The thing I wanted most from him was not to love me, adore me or anything like that. I just wanted him to be NICE to me. That was too much to ask, I guess.
Thank you both for your kind words. It does take a toll on me, my brothers and my parents.
We really are out of my mind because of her. My brothers offered to pay for her counseling, she said she is not depressed. My mom and dad told her she can just move in with them and leave the house to her loser husband, she refused. Five years ago, her loser husband tried to hit on me once and I told her, She said I was being a drama queen.
I think she is nuts!!! She took all of us for granted and I really don't know what to do. My brothers havetold me to just let her be, until she sees how she is hurting herself and her family, she would never leave the relationship.
My parents have been giving her money for such a long time, all she cares about is her own drama. She is walking all over us and she allowed herself to be walked all over by her loser husband. I just don't know what my family has done to even deserve this.
I think your brothers are right. Not only does she have an abusive husband but she has family that enables her. After reading all you've written about her I've concluded that she doesn't really want to leave. That she IS getting something out of the relationship even if it's negative attention. Your family "deserves this" because they enable her to be the way she is. What do you suppose would happen if you all pulled ALL of your support? She'd probably be really mad at you and STILL stay with that jerk. Face it...there's really not a whole lot that you or anyone else can do until SHE decides enough is enough.
It s complex and both financial and emotional. Usually someone who has little self esteem or lacked a good father, or had over demading ones that she could NOT achieve thier goals. Wmwn ho have been abused as children and some who just not too bright... Then there are the kids, the families, religion-and mostly FEAR -it's very complex brain washing, but when Mama gets her groove on - honey they are the strongest women you will ever find. They will kick ass,,, so pray for them, and help them and if necessary try to make them see the light. As a G-ma, let some dude mess with any of mine- he'd wished he could run to his momma. Some times the women need some one to help them stand, not judge them. and the LAWS of the good ole boys need to change, when I see other women go against these poor gals, I want to
I had a great dad growing up. He was 'my hero' and still is, even though he's been gone nine years. He and my mom had a really good marriage and a real partnership relationship. I wanted that in my own marriage. And, guess what? I ended up in an abusive marriage. Granted that side of him didn't show up till we'd been married a couple of years but from there on it was all downhill.
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