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Technically you are right. I would still do anything to err on the safe side, whatever those measures might be.
Battered womens groups are underfunded and the resources are sparse. Utilizing any of those resources available are a detriment to the women who actually need them
She needs to call a lawyer and get the ball rolling with divorce proceedings. The OP said she was a nurse so she is employed and should be able to go about this like millions of other people do.
Sorry if I seem insensitive but the suggestion that because hubby is a jackass equates to a battered woman is just wrong.
Your friend cannot afford to be without an attorney. She needs to consult with one immediately. Around here there are services that promise divorce without war. Perhaps they should consult one of these services together. These mediation type attorneys tend to be cheaper than your typical warlike attorney. I have friends who used one here in FL and it worked out well for both of them. They sold the house and agreed on a split of the proceeds. It cost much less than fighting over the house.
Good luck to your friend. The last thing she should do is just believe her husband that he will do the right thing. She needs an attorney, or they need mediation but she should not go totally unrepresnted.
Great idea - I'll look into that and I'm going to repeat your first sentence to her too. (I've already said it myself.) Thank you!
Battered womens groups are underfunded and the resources are sparse. Utilizing any of those resources available are a detriment to the women who actually need them
She needs to call a lawyer and get the ball rolling with divorce proceedings. The OP said she was a nurse so she is employed and should be able to go about this like millions of other people do.
Sorry if I seem insensitive but the suggestion that because hubby is a jackass equates to a battered woman is just wrong.
I appreciate the suggestion, MaseMan. But I do agree with LeavingMassachusetts here. He is not abusive to her beyond the mental havoc in this situation, and those resources are better left to those truly in need.
First thing I'd suggest is for her to think like she is the one trying to get out of the marriage and what would she do to preserve herself and her living situation, which is likely what HE is doing or already has done.
Many men tend to think first of money, therefore it's a very good possibility that he will (or has already) open a personal bank account to put money in. Note that you don't have to have permission of both owners of a joint account to close one out, so he may have already done so and she can't touch that money once it's gone and in his account. She needs to beat him to it, or discover NOW that he has already done this. She doesn't want to hang on to the hope he will always do the right thing, then end up with no money in her possession. (my ex closed one before I had any idea he could or had, but then I got to the second one so that I at least wasn't completely without money)
She should also secure copies of financial records, documents and listings of all accounts for her own use if need be. It may depend on what state she is in as to whether or not she will be considered liable for 1/2 of all debts, so she needs to know exactly what is owed, to whom and where. (although ex and I had it declared in our divorce decree who was responsible for which debts, it did not stop creditors from calling me for his non payments and it affecting my credit rating...still calling actually after 15 years of divorce!)
She needs to document everything she possibly can that he says he will do. Documentation will have more power over memory any time.
Every thing else she needs a lawyer for. Tell her to ask friends who have gotten a divorce for a recommendation. Some lawyers will take on the case and make sure the ex pays the cost.
My lawyer advised me to not be the one to leave the house, to not charge anything on the credit cards and to not let anything go unpaid if possible.
My ex is the one who left, the one who didn't get legal advice and did not get a lawyer. I kept the house, only MY bills, the car and custody of the kids.
He got the Suburban and his personal belongings plus all his debt and some of our debt.
Wow, thank you so much, hypocore - I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, but I believe what you've written will really help. He has been going to the bank a lot lately. I'm definitely going to pass this along to her.
Does anyone have any advice for her regarding handling of it with the kids? I believe he is going to sit down with them all today and tell them. I can't imagine how that conversation will go, but I know the kids will look to her reactions as to how they will react. I hope she can be strong for them, but I forsee a lot of tears. Maybe she should send them to the grandparent's for awhile?
No, I do not agree that she should send them to the grandparents. Right now their life is going to be turned upside down and they need to be with the mom so they know there is one stable and trustworthy person in their life. I am sure they are in school and she needs to keep their routine going. She may also want to let the teachers know so that if they start to act out or anything then they can contact her and help resolve the situation quickly.
On a side note, I believe in NC you can actually sue the "other woman" for alienation of affection if she wanted to.
Also if she's a nurse working full time, she most certainly can afford a lawyer, she doesn't even need the free legal services designed for the welfare dependent.
I will second this. I have no idea how much she earns. However, nurses are not poorly paid.
More likely, its a situation where she doesn't *want* to have to pay for an attorney. If this is the case, she needs to prioritize what exactly is important to her. Is it movies on the weekend? The satellite t.v. bill? Or is it protecting her legal rights. Most lawyers will agree to a time payment plan as long as the individual is truly consistent about making his/her payments. If she is unwilling to make this sacrifice she shouldn't be allowed to complain that she is losing her rights.
Does anyone have any advice for her regarding handling of it with the kids? I believe he is going to sit down with them all today and tell them. I can't imagine how that conversation will go, but I know the kids will look to her reactions as to how they will react. I hope she can be strong for them, but I forsee a lot of tears. Maybe she should send them to the grandparent's for awhile?
Honesty, but with age appropriate discussions that don't bash their dad. Let them talk all they want about it, but do not interject her own personal feelings about it. Encourage them to ask him what he is doing and why. Let them learn first hand from him that this is his choice and put all that on his back. When they turn around and ask more questions, answer them honestly but let home with mom be the safe place to land...the place they can feel free to cry, scream, rant, hide whatever.
When my ex left, honestly it didn't affect our home life all that much as he had been withdrawn from being a husband and father that my girls routines didn't change, their needs were all still met and it was just a blip in the day for the most part.
They did cry and they did try to take some of the blame and that was what I had to work the most on with them. It wasn't them it wasn't me....and it didn't take long for them to see the truth in that straight from their observance of him and his words/behavior. I didn't have to make him out as the bad guy, he did all that for me. lol
Check with battered woman shelter on free legal. Your friend has become a battered woman in a sense (mentally). She needs to seek counseling for her and the children. I would suggest not intentionally locking the husband out but maybe just not being around when he shows up and letting him know that the house is not available to him until she is home. Check with a lawyer each state is different on divorce situations. The man appears to be trying to be nice but as my mother always said "do not believe a wolf in sheeps clothing".
He does not appear to be trying to be nice to me AT ALL. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Be with another woman, but do his laundry there? I agree with your sentiment nto to trust this guy as far as you can spit, Mrs. OP's friend.
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The whole thing about putting the house in only his name is questionable.
Not questionable. Intended to make sure it is not a common asset in the divorce. (Likely would not work.)
OP get that friend to try and find legal help come hell or high water!
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