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I'm goofy. I have a weird sense of humor, love to laugh, can't get enough of laughter and conversation, I'm sort of off the beaten path I think (sometimes a dry sense of humor, sometimes an outrageous one)...I'm just...goofy.
I have had many, many men attracted to me looks-wise and then again I've had men attracted to my personality, but less so (the latter) for anything romantic. Rather, that latter tends to result in absolutely great friendships; not all my best friends have been male by any stretch, but many have.
I also like to delve into and dig into the weird and unusual, think up scenarios and "what ifs" and discuss them, etc.
I'm NOT unfeminine in the least, or I don't think so. I look like a girl, I walk like a girl, I have a highish-pitched voice, I love makeup, I love hair. I really love sex but I'm not an animal about it, I'm never hyper-aggressive or scary, LOL. I'm not boisterous, in-your-face-ish like that, at all. Never have been.
Anyway...lately, I feel like I've been honing in on what my husband is so turned off by me about (ugh, grammar police, please just give me a pass here) -- or, he's occasionally turned on sexually, but something is lacking...I know it. And you know, it's interesting...he likes me *less* when I like him, I mean truly like him, as a friend.
And I wonder if that's it: he doesn't want to be my friend. He doesn't want me to be goofy or unique. He wants me to be quiet and feminine or whatever.
Is that possible?
I know he hates it when I'm crass at all unless it's his personal preferred form of crass (read: his bedroom style). He can laugh for an hour when he farts, but I farted ONCE, one time seriously in 10 years in front of him -- it was when I was pregnant and I just couldn't control it, it just happened -- and he was horrified and upset and he said, "I don't want to know you that way." Whatever that means.
And when I am happy with him and I want to crack up and joke around, or just watch a show together and rip on it, or whatever, and just be a "person" and not either The Perfect Little Girl or The Perfect Sexpot, he curls up into his shell.
I think he really just doesn't like "me"...as a person. I think at first he was fascinated and thought this was what he wanted because it's very much what he's like (when he's ever in a good mood) but I think now he feels I'm a buddy and therefore, can not be sexy.
What do you guys think? Do you think a pretty girl who loves sex and loves to joke around and be a "buddy" is un-sexy?
The answer probably won't change much for my personality as it is what it is, but I am curious because I've been thinking about this all morning now, and it just feels like it fits entirely.
Me thinks thou hast picked a real "winner" for a husband/mate.
This guy sounds like one big, perfectionist jerko!
You're not allowed to pass gas without being made to feel less than fem, etc.? What is that?
ALL humans break wind! And sometimes, it IS funny.
To me, it sounds like you know when and where to be demure and lady-like-as to not embarrass your husband (in public, etc.).
I'm goofy. I have a weird sense of humor, love to laugh, can't get enough of laughter and conversation, I'm sort of off the beaten path I think (sometimes a dry sense of humor, sometimes an outrageous one)...I'm just...goofy.
I have had many, many men attracted to me looks-wise and then again I've had men attracted to my personality, but less so (the latter) for anything romantic. Rather, that latter tends to result in absolutely great friendships; not all my best friends have been male by any stretch, but many have.
I also like to delve into and dig into the weird and unusual, think up scenarios and "what ifs" and discuss them, etc.
I'm NOT unfeminine in the least, or I don't think so. I look like a girl, I walk like a girl, I have a highish-pitched voice, I love makeup, I love hair. I really love sex but I'm not an animal about it, I'm never hyper-aggressive or scary, LOL. I'm not boisterous, in-your-face-ish like that, at all. Never have been.
Anyway...lately, I feel like I've been honing in on what my husband is so turned off by me about (ugh, grammar police, please just give me a pass here) -- or, he's occasionally turned on sexually, but something is lacking...I know it. And you know, it's interesting...he likes me *less* when I like him, I mean truly like him, as a friend.
And I wonder if that's it: he doesn't want to be my friend. He doesn't want me to be goofy or unique. He wants me to be quiet and feminine or whatever.
Is that possible?
I know he hates it when I'm crass at all unless it's his personal preferred form of crass (read: his bedroom style). He can laugh for an hour when he farts, but I farted ONCE, one time seriously in 10 years in front of him -- it was when I was pregnant and I just couldn't control it, it just happened -- and he was horrified and upset and he said, "I don't want to know you that way." Whatever that means.
And when I am happy with him and I want to crack up and joke around, or just watch a show together and rip on it, or whatever, and just be a "person" and not either The Perfect Little Girl or The Perfect Sexpot, he curls up into his shell.
I think he really just doesn't like "me"...as a person. I think at first he was fascinated and thought this was what he wanted because it's very much what he's like (when he's ever in a good mood) but I think now he feels I'm a buddy and therefore, can not be sexy.
What do you guys think? Do you think a pretty girl who loves sex and loves to joke around and be a "buddy" is un-sexy?
The answer probably won't change much for my personality as it is what it is, but I am curious because I've been thinking about this all morning now, and it just feels like it fits entirely.
you sound awesome, let me know if you're ever in PHX lol!
I dunno...the M/H is usually immediate and generally goes like ***** in private, Madonna in public. It is something you would have noticed in the beginning; it is not slow to develop--although his tastes could have changed over the years.
It is really hard to know what is on his mind without hearing his side of the story. Personally, your personality sounds like what I look for, but people change. As the relationship progresses, we start to see the other person in a different light, and sometimes ourselves as we begin to realize unfulfilled aspects of our lives. The differences in view from beginning to middle to later on in the relationship may not necessarily be bad or good, just different.
Here is my guess on the situation: he really did like you for who you were in the beginning, and probably still does. But, as the years went on and he began to change, you remained the same person as always. What he is "seeing" is that you are not growing and changing with him. And in a way, he will see that as a threat to him and perhaps to the marriage.
As for the whole farting thing, wow, you did once in ten years and you still bring it up!? In humble opinion, a couple who can fart in each other's presence is a couple who really feels comfortable being around each other.
In fairness to the OP, it was her husband who called her a narcissist. That is not exactly growing and changing.
If I haven't repped ya on this thread, it's because I already did somewhere else and it's too soon to spread more love.
A lot of what is being said here makes sense. My DH definitely is a perfectionist, and he absolutely has changed since we married. Or really, since we had children. We had very tough times then. I was always upset and crying because he seemed to never want to help with the house or the baby (then babies)even when I too was working full time, and then my second son had special needs and things were even harder...it took me a loooooooooooong time to forgive. But he doesn't want to even try to forgive, I guess.
I've always thought he might be depressed, but now I think this may just be his "older person" personality. He's only 40 (I'm 44) but I don't think he's sad or anything; I think he's just...seriously antisocial. You know? I knew he was fairly private when we married but I thought he was more outgoing than I am, anyway. Not so. At all! Holy moley.
I don't mean to scare anyone with marriage tales of woe...I'm sorry! It doesn't have to be this way.
I doubt we'll be together forever...he's only going to get more stead, I think...less enthusiastic. I've known men like this before. My uncle was always like this. He loved everybody but he was so so "inward" and he never wanted to join in at parties, etc. I know he and my aunt had huge problems because of this, as it certainly didn't get better.
It's ironic that my husband is too old for me when I'm four years older than he is! I still want to play around and kid around and have fun (after responsibilities, obviously...and we both have plenty) but he wants to sit in silence staring at the TV or playing Everquest or whatever.
We're just mismatched now though we didn't think in the beginning that we were. He's not a bad person and I'm not a bad person either; we just uck-say together.
In fairness to the OP, it was her husband who called her a narcissist. That is not exactly growing and changing.
Well, this is what you get out of a one-time psych major. I really don't think I'm a classic narcissist, though. I just think he throws that out there in his own self-defense because he's so scared to look inside. But I can't force him to. C'est la vie.
JerZ, thank you for sharing. I absolutely try to avoid making assumptions. It really sucks when trying to communicate actually hurts the relationship rather than helps.
If I haven't repped ya on this thread, it's because I already did somewhere else and it's too soon to spread more love.
A lot of what is being said here makes sense. My DH definitely is a perfectionist, and he absolutely has changed since we married. Or really, since we had children. We had very tough times then. I was always upset and crying because he seemed to never want to help with the house or the baby (then babies)even when I too was working full time, and then my second son had special needs and things were even harder...it took me a loooooooooooong time to forgive. But he doesn't want to even try to forgive, I guess.
I've always thought he might be depressed, but now I think this may just be his "older person" personality. He's only 40 (I'm 44) but I don't think he's sad or anything; I think he's just...seriously antisocial. You know? I knew he was fairly private when we married but I thought he was more outgoing than I am, anyway. Not so. At all! Holy moley.
I don't mean to scare anyone with marriage tales of woe...I'm sorry! It doesn't have to be this way.
I doubt we'll be together forever...he's only going to get more stead, I think...less enthusiastic. I've known men like this before. My uncle was always like this. He loved everybody but he was so so "inward" and he never wanted to join in at parties, etc. I know he and my aunt had huge problems because of this, as it certainly didn't get better.
It's ironic that my husband is too old for me when I'm four years older than he is! I still want to play around and kid around and have fun (after responsibilities, obviously...and we both have plenty) but he wants to sit in silence staring at the TV or playing Everquest or whatever.
We're just mismatched now though we didn't think in the beginning that we were. He's not a bad person and I'm not a bad person either; we just uck-say together.
What a shame your guy has chosen to get old before his time and stay stuck in his comfort zone.
You seem to have a pretty good handle on what's happened, and maybe that insight could help you to help him before it's truly too late?
For your kids sakes, I just would hate to see ya'll continue down this path.
Even if you stay together they don't grow up with the best understanding of what a good marriage looks like, which will handicap them in their own relationships as adults.
And if you don't stay together (and really, I completely understand not wanting to be married to a mate like this forever) your kids have a whole lot of other issues to deal with which will make their life tougher.
Given all that, can you at least try to get him to go for some counseling?
Likes joking around, loves laughter, will laugh at my humor
Loves sex
Aside from the many other things that go into a marriage, that's a brief list of what I'd look for in a wife.
I say brief because, well there's more to it than just those, though they are all important in living. My opinion though.
Note he says "will laugh at my humor" I've had the same problem. A lot of men want you to laugh and think you are funny, but they are intimidated if you are the one who is actually funny. It sucks.
Note he says "will laugh at my humor" I've had the same problem. A lot of men want you to laugh and think you are funny, but they are intimidated if you are the one who is actually funny. It sucks.
It's important for both people to laugh at eachother's humor.
I'm a pretty laid back guy. I guess I assume too often that I would probably laugh at other humor so long as it's not gruesome or something.
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you sound awesome, let me know if you're ever in PHX lol!
In humble opinion, a couple who can fart in each other's presence is a couple who really feels comfortable being around each other.
