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Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina
I'm not too quick to assign anyone blame here.
Not everyone loves to go out. There is nothing wrong with being a homebody of that's what you are.
To me it sounds like the OP tried for as long he could, but it's just not him. He's not a people person. Meanwhile, his wife is, and it means a lot to her to be able to do her socializing with her husband at her side.
If anything, I think both parties feel a certain amount of entitlement to what they want. That's really the problem.
Since you are married, I think it is both your responsibilities to try to meet each other halfway. BOTH have to make sacrifices here... she needs to accept that sometimes she will have go out alone (or not go out as much), and you need to accept that sometimes you will have to leave your house. If y'all can't do that and learn to live with each other's personality, I'm not sure how the marriage will survive.
I would demand joint counseling to help deal with the power struggle that is sure to emerge.
What would you do if your wife told you to be more social or else she was going to have an affair with her coworker? Would you leave her or would you humor her?
First of all if your wife has no issue about saying that to you then she really is a piece of work. I mean what self respecting woman would threaten her husband with cheating instead of talking to you straight up and then splitting up if it didn't work out? She wants the thrill of the cheat. Toss her out with the trash and move on instead of letting her make a wittol out of you, unless of course cuckoldry appeals to you.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,748,461 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by mariakintobor
first of all if your wife has no issue about saying that to you then she really is a piece of work. I mean what self respecting woman would threaten her husband with cheating instead of talking to you straight up and then splitting up if it didn't work out? She wants the thrill of the cheat. Toss her out with the trash and move on instead of letting her make a wittol out of you, unless of course cuckoldry appeals to you.
What would you do if your wife told you to be more social or else she was going to have an affair with her coworker? Would you leave her or would you humor her?
What would you do if your wife told you to be more social or else she was going to have an affair with her coworker? Would you leave her or would you humor her?
Do you not have any friends you can talk to about your marital issues or do they all tell you what we tell you here?
That your wife doesn't respect nor love you and wants to have sex with her co-worker (if she hasn't already)?
Are you gonna take that "vacation" she told you to take or not?
Ive known a number of men who prefer solitude and isolation. It's tough for a partner. Early in a relationship they're behaving in a more social manner than they normally do. Woman falls for him, and boom, she's in love with a hermit.
My guess is that the OP has other issues like social anxiety or even addiction which compound the problem. If I'm wrong, I apologize, but it's not uncommon.
Thanks for all the mixed responses. Addressing a few points that were made:
1. She hasn't touched this coworker yet. She is very attracted to him but she's never lied to me. I believe her. There's no evidence to gather because nothing physical has happened yet.
2. I am as guilty as anyone at being an extreme introvert. We've been married for 8 years and earlier in our marriage (college, newlyweds, etc.) I gave a lot more effort to be social. There was nothing in it for me, but I did it to please her. The past year or so, I've flat-out refused to do many social things. She basically goes out every other night doing social activities - parties, bars, sports, etc. She asks me to go but I decline.
3. She is in a career that she has been working towards her entire life. It was a miracle she got this job. We moved to her hometown about 3 years ago for this job. This is where she wants to be, doing exactly what she wants to do. There's no possibility of her "leaving the job" and I would never ask her to.
I'm still torn. I'm going to give some more effort in going out to do stuff. But I just want to make sure I'm not getting walked all over.
So you made much more of an effort in the beginning of the relationship than now. "There was nothing in it for me but I did it to please her." You were an introvert then and you are an introvert now....just back then you were portraying yourself differently than the person you really are to please the person you wanted to be with. it worked but you forgot something.....you have to be able to keep that facade going. Doesn't justify your wife issuing ultimatums; however, I'd be pissed too if it were me....and I'm introverted. It comes down to the portrayal of yourself and more willingness to step outside the box in earlier years than you are 8 years into it (ie. you were faking it in the beginning.....you reap what you sow). She was led to believe you were a different person than who you really are. Or if she's a little smarter than that, she was led to believe you would do whatever she wanted you to despite knowing inside you were not the person you pretended to be in the beginning.
Apparently your self-esteem is no better now than it ever was.
This so speaks volumes as to why people should not marry until they really know one another. Pretending to be someone you're not to make someone else happy is a colossal mistake, as I suspect you are finding out (have you bought the car with the removable roof and the Italian scarf yet?).
Per your other thread, you are falling back into the same pattern you were in the beginning of your relationship......doing everything she wants to please her. When that gets old for you, or you get comfortable and slip back into the persona who is closer to your real self.....she's not happy. You drag your feet, she gets frustrated and mean, you get scared and back pedal. The two of you are a miserable lot together. Wife either doesn't compromise ever or she's done doing it, and you WAY overcompensate when you are running scared. Again, none of it justifies her ultimatums but do you need to be slapped upside the head a little harder? You lied then with the portrayal of who you were and you're lying now by overcompensating. Time to grow up and figure out who you are instead of being a people pleaser. However, I don't think you will and I believe you will stay in this vicious circle until your wife moves on. She knows she runs you. She's either going to find another guy, if she hasn't already, or she'll spend you out and get bored.
There may not be a limit to the amount of shyt you take but I can figure you only have so much money. When the well runs dry.....well, you figure it out.
Nor should you. And thanks for being honest with the forum. Your response has introspection and is free of the usual "I have no idea why this is happening to me" kind of defensiveness that some other posters will tend to say.
Here's the thing. Extreme introversion, as you describe it, can impose a huge burden on others. A normal person thrives on the company of others, conversations with different people, and the novelty of new and different things. Your refusal to participate in your wife's social life is likely, to her, crippling.
What's more, she might be seeing it as an impediment to her professional life. Like it or not, one's career depends on a lot of things that go on outside the 9-to-5 routine, such as going to industry and trade functions to make contacts, corporate parties, etc. And not having a significant other willing to tag along on occasion is a definite liability.
I certainly understand introversion. It is hard to walk into a room full of strangers and talk to them. Chances are, you are bored ten minutes into the function and are desperately seeking oxygen. Been there, done that.
At the same time, I would offer that you're using your introversion as a crutch. And your statement, "There's nothing in it for me," is a revealing one. It tells me that you walk into every new situation without the least desire to participate in any way but a grudging one. It tells me that you are uninterested in others and that probably shows in the form of glazed eyes and perfunctory responses in conversation. In that sense, what you term introversion could be considered self-absorption and self-centeredness. To your wife, you are evaluating people based on their apparent usefulness to you and rejecting otherwise interesting people out of hand. That's not a good person to be.
This is what I would offer. Simply saying, "I'm introverted" and not making a sincere attempt at reaching beyond yourself is a way of saying that one's wife and marriage are not that important to you. It doesn't mean that you have to become buddies with her professional contacts. It doesn't mean that you have to sally forth every weekend and become someone you're not. But what it does mean is that you need to make an effort. Marriage, like life, is filled with compromises. To be a better spouse, you sometimes need to do things that you would not as a single person. And do it with a good attitude, too.
First thing's first. You need to learn some fundamentals of conversation. A Dale Carnegie course, as cheesy as that sounds, would be a decent start. But more importantly, you need to learn what's involved in a conversation. Make it a game you play with yourself, one where you dig deep to know the other person. Most people have their public personae and private identity. Make getting beneath the surface your goal in every conversation at every social occasion.
Ask lots of questions about the other person. Try to find out where the other person fits into the gathering. Attempt to learn one fact about each person there. Don't talk about yourself unless they really press. You'll find that you suddenly have become the most fascinating conversationalist in the room without really trying. Because people like to talk about themselves. They are their favorite topic and you have helped them.
Try tricks like this at the next social gathering, and you'll be surprised how much you enjoy yourself. And your wife will be grateful. Again, it's not that you have to do this every weekend. But c'mon. Doesn't your wife deserve to have a husband who is at least minimally engaged with her professional and social life?
I agree with most of your post but I don't think extreme introversion is fairly contrasted with "normal people" here. I think the OP is introverted to a degree and likely socially anxious; introversion is normal and social anxiety can be dealt with.
I believe his problem is rooted in that he pretended to be someone he wasn't from the get-go. His overcompensating now, per his other thread, is just another version of that. No one can maintain a facade forever as he and his wife have found out. Instead of meeting halfway, they get caught up in their own agendas.
I really don't believe he's changed any since college.....he just spent years being himself after faking it.
If they can't meet in the middle and deal with their different personalities they might as well call it a night on their marriage, IMO anyway.
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