What if suddenly...your SO was disabled?? (woman, loving, hubby)

[yellowsnow]

I can deal with physical disability and needing to be the breadwinner. But if his personality changed as well and he was no longer the individual I married, that could be the deal breaker. I don't know if I would be willing to do everything and care for someone who didn't care for me anymore.

I understand it takes time and grieving over what's lost to come to grips with a physical disability. I would not leave him because of this process. But I wouldn't stay forever with a man who was bitter and depressed. Especially if was mean to me too.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by round4

Didn't want to hi-jack the other thread on disability...But, what would happen if suddenly thru no fault of anyone your SO was disabled? Not to the point that they can't walk/talk/everyday life...but, just enough that they are in pain when doing their job, and of course other activities as well, and has been for years, but the Doc said, "no more work."

Now you're the bread winner, no monie coming in on their part(takes awhile for Social security and Disability and retirement) to kick in...

Maybe their suffering guilt ridden days, along with the pain...what do you do? How would you handle the chores at home...juggle the bills, life in general?

My SO supports himself, and I support myself. He'd have to figure something out I guess...I'm putting a kid through college, and that is about the extent of my ability or desire to support anyone else.

[supernaut112]

Originally Posted by yellowsnow

I understand it takes time and grieving over what's lost to come to grips with a physical disability. I would not leave him because of this process. But I wouldn't stay forever with a man who was bitter and depressed. Especially if was mean to me too.

I can definitely understand this POV. When my dad first lost the ability to walk, he was not the man he used to be. He did go through a transition before he reached the "acceptance" stage, and at times, he became very depressed and angry. (And really, who wouldn't be?) He was never the same person after that, but he didn't stay angry and bitter.

Life is ultimately what we make of it. We can choose to focus on the loss ... or move forward and cherish what we do have.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by round4

Didn't want to hi-jack the other thread on disability...But, what would happen if suddenly thru no fault of anyone your SO was disabled? Not to the point that they can't walk/talk/everyday life...but, just enough that they are in pain when doing their job, and of course other activities as well, and has been for years, but the Doc said, "no more work."

Now you're the bread winner, no monie coming in on their part(takes awhile for Social security and Disability and retirement) to kick in...

Maybe their suffering guilt ridden days, along with the pain...what do you do? How would you handle the chores at home...juggle the bills, life in general?

We would do then what we do now, live within our means and deal with the situation as it is and move on.

[nimchimpsky]

You just described me...but I work anyway and one of my disabilities interferes with everyday things--seeing. I'd say "join the club, honey". I am in pain every day of my life and also have PTSD but don't let either stop me from going to school part-time and working part-time.

[Rhenzanite]

I have a chronic genetic disorder that has left me scarred and occasionally disabled (for short periods of time, nothing permanent as of yet) and I've had quite a few men leave once they found out. I wait a little bit before letting them know about it (usually 2 or 3 dates, or maybe a month or so, before the actual boyfriend/girlfriend stage) and so far I've only had 1 man stay. I support myself and my disorder is very manageable but it still scares most of them away.

I would definitely stay and help out as much as possible. I've seen so many breakups and marriages dissolving because of being diagnosed with a chronic disorder or becoming disabled. It makes me really sad to know that this could be a potential dealbreaker for the rest of my life.

[Threerun]

I would do I vowed to do for chriminey sakes.

"I, _______, take you, ________, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

Do folks not read contracts anymore?

[round4]

I haven't taken that vow,(not legally) yet, but, will rundown the aisle to do so.

Thanks for the support, it is a tough row, but it's not one that hasn't been ho'd before!! And I personally know that my father is THE King, and with him, all things are possible.

[Whyte Byrd]

I'd take care of him and love him just as much.

[Mooseketeer]

If you love someone you just accept that sometimes life happens and people's health deteriorates. I was super fit and super healthy ( and very slim) when I met Hubby 23 years ago.

I had a bright future ahead of me and being academically gifted was supposed to get the "perfect" highly paid job. I was athletic, physically always really active, adventurous and fiercely independent.

Then within a few months of starting to date I was diagnosed with leukaemia. I struggled with it for 10 years and won that battle only to be then diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Chronic Depression. I also am disabled and walk with a stick. I cannot work and my bright future is now a dim memory. Hubby did not abandon me, did not leave me simply because I was no longer healthy.

He took it on the chin like a real man and accepted that he would become the breadwinner and that I was still the same person but simply with more physical limitations. I gained a lot of weight due to years of having to take steroids as treatment, and my immune system is now so shot to pieces that I catch almost every infection going.


I still try to be as active as humanly possible and we travel a lot, go out, I still look after the house, organise our accounts, holidays, social life, I still look after him as best as I can but my role has obviously changed.

I don't bring in any money so I try to pull my weight in other ways and have learnt how to pace myself and force myself to keep going. I have had to adapt and so has he.

It has not always been easy but on the other hand I would say on the whole we manage to have full life,and do far more than couples with two healthy partners.

He realises that underneath I am still the young woman he fell in love with, that I still feel and think the same and that I being physically ill and disabled has not changed my personality that much.

Yes I do get down and gloomy quite a bit but I always try to keep it away from him if I can because I don't think it would be fair to subject him to my depression on a daily basis.

I work bloody hard to ensure we still have a lot of fun and adventures together but yes my days trekking the Amazon are behind me. We both occasionally get frustrated at my limitations but then I often remind myself and him that I was always far more active and he often jokes that I was "brought down" to "his level".

Love is not a pick and mix venture, it is about the hard times as well as the easy ones. We still laugh together, we have fun , we take care of one another. Would it be nice if I could earn a living ? , Of course ! But we manage fine and do quite well considering. I don't think either of us care that much about money as long as we have enough for our needs.

I loathe being ill but there is nothing I can do about it. I have no choice. And Hubby chose to take a chance on me despite knowing I was likely to die and that I would be physically diminished.

We try to avoid being boring, we try to avoid limiting ourselves and it is about learning to work within our own limiations so to speak.

I am still in mourning for my old life,my old health, and my old self. Nothing can ever give me back the last two decades of my life and there are days when I just want to weep and scream at the terrible injustice of it all.

But then I try to remind myself that I have a good decent man who loves me, who has never made me feel like a burden and never made feel anything but sexy and desirable even though I no longer am the sexy "babe" I used to be when we met. He still seems to see me as I was 23 years ago and it is really sweet.

But it is not just about him being "heroic" as some people would perceive it. This has often been advanced by some people and it upsets me because I work bloody hard at being the best wife I can be and the best life companion disabled or not. It mgiht be hard for him sometimes but it is 500 times worse for me everyday so I really resent this idea that he is somehow a "victim".

It is a horrible burden but it is one I shall try and keep on carrying for as long as I can and try to lighten his share of the load as much as possible.

When you genuinely find someone you are in tune with, someone who "gets you", someone who shares your ideals, philosophy of life, sense of humour etc... It woudl be pretty silly to let them go IMO. Is it always easy ? Of course not. But then again ALL couples have their own problems. Ours is just a little more concrete and we deal with it as it presents itself.


I love him to bits and I cannot even imagine life without him whether he became blind or infirm. I would rather have him in a wheelchair than not to have him in my life. I would also rather have him disabled than having someone else who was healthy.

I suppose at 21 he was very mature and grown up and I did give him the chance to just let me go. But he indignantly pointed out this was not a fling but a relationship and we are still here together staring into the jaws of life hand in hand. Sounds trite but it works. Because we decided to face it head on and to deal with it together.

I am quite usre he would rather have a healthy wife , who wouldn't ? But does me being disabled make me a worthless individual and somehow inferior, I would like to believe it does not.

As long as your personality is the same and you genuinely try your best to conquer whatever is thrown at you then I think you have pretty good chances of success.

I would find it a lot harder if Hubby was in an accident and his personality changed, he became violent or abusive, or he turned into a different person altogether. Mental disabilities will be a lot harder IMO to adapt to but even then I suppose it is about commitment .

We decided to live together within a few short months of meeting each other and I don't think either of us has regretted it so far.

We have a pretty normal relationship, the good, the bad and the ulgy like most people in couples. We love and laugh, bicker and sulk , me walking with a stick and not able to work seems to make little difference.

In many ways I think it has made us closer . We spend most of our time together because we want to not because I am a lost little lamb without him.

Trust and Respect are paramount in relationships and the way you behave towards each other when the going is not so smooth a god indication of the strength of your feelings for each other.