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RESIST RESIST ALL TEARY EYES. All pleadings and promises. Now that is the hard bit.
ok USA - I hear ya........attention seeker from England is on her way Baby.....................
Well, Jenna, it does sound like you have a plan - so let's take a look at it. (I promise you, by the way, that I am on your side on this, even if I am tough on you at times!)
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1 - go to his parents house tomorrow with his bags.
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2 - tell him its over outside the old folks house, not in view of them.
OK - but do you think he will stay there? What's preventing him from just saying, "*********," and putting his bags in the car and just driving home?
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3 - give him a letter detailing my thoughts and determination to divorce.
I do NOT recommend this. Don't give him ANYTHING in writing that he may be able to use against you at a later date. You do not have to explain anything to him - he knows he's an abusive jerk. Just tell him that you are filing for divorce. Period. That's it. No explaining. No purging. No long written diatribes. Short and sweet.
All he will do with that letter is use it against you, either in court, or emotionally. He will take that letter point by point and twist it and mess with your head - at the very least. For God's sake, don't HAND HIM A WEAPON.
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4 - speak to the in laws on the phone and tell them what has happened.
Why? He's the one you will leave standing in front of their house. Let him explain to them why he's not going home (assuming he doesn't just get in the car and drive home - frankly, if I were him, I'd do that. He's obviously not afraid of you.).
You can give them a call later in the evening if necessary.
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5 - go home.
If you haven't changed the locks, don't go home. By the way, this ties in to consulting an attorney first - more on that later.
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6 - Get the house valued, text H - no talking to him by phone.....find out if he is ok with me staying in the house until its finished or does he want me to sell it pronto.
No, no, no. Meet with the attorney first. Find out what your legal options are. I'm telling you, you have to fight this LEGALLY or regardless of right or wrong morally, HE WILL WIN. He will wear you down. You do not want undue legal issues as well as a divorce at the same time.
However, I do like your idea of limiting your communication to text or email. Just keep in mind that anything you commit to print can and probably will be pulled out in the divorce proceedings. Proceed with great caution! THIS is why you really, really, really need to consult an attorney FIRST.
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7 - Tell the kids what has happened.
Talk with any attorney first. Once you have a clear plan, drop the bomb and then IMMEDIATELY tell your children. Do not give your husband the opportunity to get to them first. As it is, he will STILL make you out to be the bad guy, the one who "didn't have faith in him," the one who "wanted a divorce even though he begged you not to destroy the family," yada yada yada. This is another reason why I am so adamant about not putting a lot in writing. He will use your letters against you. I assure you that he will.
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8 - Bank account for me.( I have a bit of time with this as hubby is not controlling with money at all and I don't get paid till end of month)
Do this FIRST. Set up your automatic deposit NOW. Tell the bank you want NO MAIL SENT IN YOUR NAME ONLY to your house - you want all documents online and no junk mail. The day you know you are dropping the bomb, move whatever money your ATTORNEY says you should to that account. Your husband cannot find out about your new account unless you give him access to your email. Have you done that? Does he have access to your email? Does he know your passwords? Think all of this through before you make the big move, not afterwards.
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9 - Tell the rest of my family what has happened - tell them to fricken shut up if they start telling me to go back and keep loving him.
BRAVO - this I agree with completely!!!
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10 - see solicitor about divorce.
11 - inform H divorce papers on their way.
Move these to number 1 and 2 on your list and you've got a workable plan.
Well, Jenna, it does sound like you have a plan - so let's take a look at it. (I promise you, by the way, that I am on your side on this, even if I am tough on you at times!)
OK - but do you think he will stay there? What's preventing him from just saying, "*********," and putting his bags in the car and just driving home?
I do NOT recommend this. Don't give him ANYTHING in writing that he may be able to use against you at a later date. You do not have to explain anything to him - he knows he's an abusive jerk. Just tell him that you are filing for divorce. Period. That's it. No explaining. No purging. No long written diatribes. Short and sweet.
All he will do with that letter is use it against you, either in court, or emotionally. He will take that letter point by point and twist it and mess with your head - at the very least. For God's sake, don't HAND HIM A WEAPON.
Why? He's the one you will leave standing in front of their house. Let him explain to them why he's not going home (assuming he doesn't just get in the car and drive home - frankly, if I were him, I'd do that. He's obviously not afraid of you.).
You can give them a call later in the evening if necessary.
If you haven't changed the locks, don't go home. By the way, this ties in to consulting an attorney first - more on that later.
No, no, no. Meet with the attorney first. Find out what your legal options are. I'm telling you, you have to fight this LEGALLY or regardless of right or wrong morally, HE WILL WIN. He will wear you down. You do not want undue legal issues as well as a divorce at the same time.
However, I do like your idea of limiting your communication to text or email. Just keep in mind that anything you commit to print can and probably will be pulled out in the divorce proceedings. Proceed with great caution! THIS is why you really, really, really need to consult an attorney FIRST.
Talk with any attorney first. Once you have a clear plan, drop the bomb and then IMMEDIATELY tell your children. Do not give your husband the opportunity to get to them first. As it is, he will STILL make you out to be the bad guy, the one who "didn't have faith in him," the one who "wanted a divorce even though he begged you not to destroy the family," yada yada yada. This is another reason why I am so adamant about not putting a lot in writing. He will use your letters against you. I assure you that he will.
Do this FIRST. Set up your automatic deposit NOW. Tell the bank you want NO MAIL SENT IN YOUR NAME ONLY to your house - you want all documents online and no junk mail. The day you know you are dropping the bomb, move whatever money your ATTORNEY says you should to that account. Your husband cannot find out about your new account unless you give him access to your email. Have you done that? Does he have access to your email? Does he know your passwords? Think all of this through before you make the big move, not afterwards.
BRAVO - this I agree with completely!!!
Move these to number 1 and 2 on your list and you've got a workable plan.
GOOD LUCK.
Yes................good point. See solicitor FIRST. But I have to do this tomorrow!!! He wont drive back because he has to work the next night and then he is off. I wont change the locks I am just going to get the key of the house of his bunch of keys. (I know where he leaves them at his parents house).
I have to do this tomorrow, because he works the next night, then he is due back Wednesday afternoon!!! And I don't want him back here. If he just gets in the car and drives back here - well, I cannot physically stop him, but I don't think he will.
I hope and pray he is lining some other 'mummy' up to take my place.
I have often earned more money than my Husband and I have worked very very hard.
Where did someone get the idea I didn't work?
I wont be doing this IN FRONT of the inlaws.
I will be doing it by their house though, then speaking to them. I know they wont mind him living with them, because MIL told me last time we split up that she would have him living with them.
I know they are old. But if he comes back here to do this.....he still will have to go and tell his parents, so eventually it is going to upset them.
I saw in your post that you're a nurse, so that's good. I just wish you'd use all those smarts & intelligence it took throughout school to be a nurse & have the smarts to leave a man who treats you & his own daughter (kids) like $h!t. It boggles me how fairly book smart people can also be so incredibly stupid in their personal life. It's actually because one has nothing to do with the other. Even doctors can be stupid & have zero common sense.
The reason people think you do NOT have a job is because most of us people are bewildered that a wife being treated in this horrendous way, WHO OFTEN MAKES MORE MONEY THAN HER HUSBAND (as you say) still chooses to stay with this b@$t@rd. We're used to seeing wives who have no education be stuck in this kind of rut because they have no choice (their thinking, not personally mine) so they feel they're stuck & have to stay with their loser husband no matter if he cheats, abuses, lies, etc. because they can't get their own good job & make enough money for themselves. But here you are making more money than him, yet you stay?! This is outrageous idiocracy! It's not like you need to depend on him financially.
I'd personally wait till he leaves for work one morning & the moment he leaves, I'd leave with as many belongings as I can & I won't EVER look back, I won't leave any notes, none of that. He won't know where the hell I am. I would have prearranged this moving out & I don't care if I had to stay with a friend OR relative for a while, I would get the HELL out.
And I don't want to read anymore about his "sad eyes". I don't give a d@mn. He can have sad eyes forever...tell him to go to hell with them! Tell him you're the one who should have sad eyes for every time you set eyes on his ugly, f_ck!ng mug!
Last edited by Forever Blue; 07-22-2013 at 07:35 PM..
I saw in your post that you're a nurse, so that's good. I just wish you'd use all those smarts & intelligence it took throughout school to be a nurse & have the smarts to leave a man who treats you & his own daughter (kids) like $h!t. It boggles me how fairly book smart people can also be so incredibly stupid in their personal life. It's actually because one has nothing to do with the other. Even doctors can be stupid & have zero common sense.
The reason people think you do NOT have a job is because most of us people are bewildered that a wife being treated in this horrendous way, WHO OFTEN MAKES MORE MONEY THAN HER HUSBAND (as you say) still chooses to stay with this b@$t@rd. We're used to seeing wives who have no education be stuck in this kind of rut because they have no choice (their thinking, not personally mine) so they feel they're stuck & have to stay with their loser husband no matter if he cheats, abuses, lies, etc. because they can't get their own good job & make enough money for themselves. But here you are making more money than him, yet you stay?! This is outrageous idiocracy! It's not like you need to depend on him financially.
I'd personally wait till he leaves for work one morning & the moment he leaves, I'd leave with as many belongings as I can & I won't EVER look back, I won't leave any notes, none of that. He won't know where the hell I am. I would have prearranged this moving out & I don't care if I had to stay with a friend OR relative for a while, I would get the HELL out.
And I don't want to read anymore about his "sad eyes". I don't give a d@mn. He can have sad eyes forever...tell him to go to hell with them! Tell him you're the one who should have sad eyes for every time you set eyes on his ugly, f_ck!ng mug!
lol....I love that last line....made me literally laugh out loud! Thanks for your support. How I put up with him all this time I don't know. But the marriage died in 2011. Just got to bury it....today is the day. Get back to you later. Got some digging to do. xx
lol....I love that last line....made me literally laugh out loud! Thanks for your support. How I put up with him all this time I don't know. But the marriage died in 2011. Just got to bury it....today is the day. Get back to you later. Got some digging to do. xx
Oh my gosh. I will sure to check back in to see if you stuck to that!
1 - go to his parents house tomorrow with his bags.
2 - tell him its over outside the old folks house, not in view of them.
3 - give him a letter detailing my thoughts and determination to divorce.
4 - speak to the in laws on the phone and tell them what has happened.
5 - go home.
6 - Get the house valued, text H - no talking to him by phone.....find out if he is ok with me staying in the house until its finished or does he want me to sell it pronto.
7 - Tell the kids what has happened.
8 - Bank account for me.( I have a bit of time with this as hubby is not controlling with money at all and I don't get paid till end of month)
9 - Tell the rest of my family what has happened - tell them to fricken shut up if they start telling me to go back and keep loving him.
10 - see solicitor about divorce.
11 - inform H divorce papers on their way.
RESIST RESIST ALL TEARY EYES. All pleadings and promises. Now that is the hard bit.
ok USA - I hear ya........attention seeker from England is on her way Baby.....................
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This is outrageous idiocracy! It's not like you need to depend on him financially.
