Not getting beyond the first/second date in LA (dating, Asian, marriage)

[new to LA]

Hi
I moved to LA a few years back from a different country to go to Med school. It was hard to get in but worth the effort. I have a busy schedule and its hard to meet new people.

I have dated a few girls now. The problem is that there have been more than a few occasions now where I think it would be worth investing time dating this girl. Somehow, the woman loses interest or is not attracted anymore or feels we have different interests.

I have had no problems getting a first date. We usually meet over coffee and end up getting dinner and have a good conversation. I pay the bill as I think its the right thing to do for a guy. Most dates have ended well with a passionate kiss or a not so passionate kiss. I don't know whats goes wrong after that? Is that I'm being too nice.
I usually text or call the day after the first date and there is no response. Here is the reply I get a few days after:
"It was really nice meeting you. I think you are handsome, nice and intelligent but unfortunately we are on different pages right now."

Is it lack of physical attraction? Should I ask to split the bill, is me paying the bill being too nice ? Is it that our interests, goals don't match?

I'm posting this here as I think hearing from men/women who've been living in LA would help. Frank opinions will be appreciated. Have a nice weekend!

[JerZ]

Can you describe these girls a little? Their personalities? Where did you meet them? Whereabouts (generally) do they live? Looks?

Because the thing is, there are tons upon tons of hooked-up people in this area who are down-to-earth people...I hate to pre-judge but are you going for the super hottie types? Or are you asking out down-to-earth girls? I know those are extreme generalizations, but I'm not sure where to start with your post, so perhaps if you give a few details, I can help you.

[smokingGun]

I don't want to say Angelenos are racist per se, but people here (Caucasians and non-whites alike) seem to have set preferences in regards to who they envision as their ideal spouse or life partner. Inter-racial dating seems to be more common when you're under 25, but as you approach your later yrs when ppl start getting serious about marriage, priorities seem to change. I know this one Jewish lawyer who's dated & hooked-up with the entire rainbow from Latina's to SE Asian girls to Persians and African Americans, but now at 33 he's really only interested in dating Jewish girls. He said he just can't imagine the mother of his future children being anything other than Jewish. My Armenian psychologist friend is engaged to another Armenian after having dated a long string of white & Hispanic dudes. I'm just bringing up the race factor up since you mentioned you're from another country. I could be totally off base and they simply find your personality or humor to be stilted or "foreign".

[jm1982]

It sounds like you are unfortunately getting "let's just be friends" by these women. I'm also curious about the same questions that JerZ asks.

I'd also recommend not doing the coffee thing or dinner if it can be avoided.

Getting coffee is usually a "friend" thing rather than romantic/sexual , and dinner can often end up being expensive. Too many women out there will go out with you just to have a nice dinner leaving you stuck with the bill and frustrated at the end of the night.

Alcohol is usually a better option. I think a bar or lounge where you can have some drinks and let loose is a much better setting.

You can ask them to meet you for a drink (or several) after they have dinner perhaps.

Also what type of conversations are going on before you are going on these dates? Is the conversation just 'friend' like? Or is there flirting going on? Are you building up a good rapport?

Good luck!

[jm1982]

Originally Posted by smokingGun

I don't want to say Angelenos are racist per se, but people here (Caucasians and non-whites alike) seem to have set preferences in regards to who they envision as their ideal spouse or life partner. Inter-racial dating seems to be more common when you're under 25, but as you approach your later yrs when ppl start getting serious about marriage, priorities seem to change. I know this one Jewish lawyer who's dated & hooked-up with the entire rainbow from Latina's to SE Asian girls to Persians and African Americans, but now at 33 he's really only interested in dating Jewish girls. He said he just can't imagine the mother of his future children being anything other than Jewish. My Armenian psychologist friend is engaged to another Armenian after having dated a long string of white & Hispanic dudes. I'm just bringing up the race factor up since you mentioned you're from another country. I could be totally off base and they simply find your personality or humor to be stilted or "foreign".

I've heard this a lot ...especially with Persians/Armenians/Jews . Definitely hypocritical in my mind. I think it's lame to just "stick to your group" , but I guess there's a lot of societal pressure in these types of groups (and others).

But I don't know how racist Angelenos are in generally especially when comparing to the rest of the country. Lot's of interracial or mixed background or whatever you want to call it.

Also this is another reason why you want to frame yourself as a guy they are having fun with rather than one they want to marry. Not sure the age range here , but in L.A/SoCAL at least doesn't seem too many people are getting married very young.

The comment that they are making of "not being on the same page" makes me think they might be thinking of you as marriage material, but they don't want that right now ,especially if they are in the 'party' mindset.

[ProjectMersh]

Dating in LA can be very competitive. So try not to take it too personally. You are a med school student no less. In most dating "markets" that would be sufficient to land you plenty of interested ladies (or at least more second dates).

It is very had to say what exactly is going on without knowing you better or getting more details. Let me take a shot and by all means I am not saying you fit this bill.

But if you are meeting women online you might be facing one or more of these issues:
1. You look much better in your profile than you do in person. I think women are better than men at being really photogenic but some guys can pull off miralces. They get lots of first dates but not many second ones.

2. You are somewhat shy or reserved when you first meet women. This throws them off guard. Hence, the alcohol suggestion noted above is not bad advice (if this is the case).

3. In an online environment, women clearly have the edge. The "average" women gets far more e-mails/responses than the best looking guy. So it is like they are at their favorite restaurant, if they see one small thing they don't like about their meal they'll just order something else from the menu.

[nightlysparrow]

Are you a citizen, or have you begun the process?

Maybe they think you're wanting citizenship through marriage, or that you may someday want to return to your (mystery) country?

Or does the (mystery) country you're from have a culture or laws that are oppressive toward women? This could also be a turn-off.

[jm1982]

Those are possibilities, but I doubt it.. I don't know if there are many women that think that way..but i'm not a woman.

Do you think marriage on the first date with someone?..., if they thought he was oppressive towards women why even go to dinner or agree to go anywhere?..

[disgruntled la native]

Originally Posted by smokingGun

I don't want to say Angelenos are racist per se, but people here (Caucasians and non-whites alike) seem to have set preferences in regards to who they envision as their ideal spouse or life partner. Inter-racial dating seems to be more common when you're under 25, but as you approach your later yrs when ppl start getting serious about marriage, priorities seem to change. I know this one Jewish lawyer who's dated & hooked-up with the entire rainbow from Latina's to SE Asian girls to Persians and African Americans, but now at 33 he's really only interested in dating Jewish girls. He said he just can't imagine the mother of his future children being anything other than Jewish. My Armenian psychologist friend is engaged to another Armenian after having dated a long string of white & Hispanic dudes. I'm just bringing up the race factor up since you mentioned you're from another country. I could be totally off base and they simply find your personality or humor to be stilted or "foreign".

Anecdotal but probably some truth to it. The OP being foreign, unless he is something like Italian or British (which AMerican women seem to love?) is going to be a major negative.

[PatanjaliTwist]

Originally Posted by new to LA

Somehow, the woman loses interest or is not attracted anymore or feels we have different interests.

Hiya NTL... Either could be possible. A woman may have initially wished to explore getting to know you, only to find out there was no attraction. As a woman, it's happened to me more often than not, in L.A. & anywhere else. Or, she might have had an initial attraction, but upon getting to know you a bit, felt you shared no interests in common. Although, none of us likes to feel rejected, there's either a spark on both sides or not. Not a lot can be done about that... it's a chemical reaction.

I have had no problems getting a first date.

That's encouraging. Where are you initially meeting them? In person? If so, then the above 2 reasons for thanking you & not wishing to venture into a relationship come into play. Online? Blind date? Then, there's just no attraction... doesn't mean you're not attractive, just that she's not attracted enough to explore anything further. Again, not all are lucky & meet the love of their lives within a couple of dates.

We usually meet over coffee and end up getting dinner and have a good conversation. I pay the bill as I think its the right thing to do for a guy.

That sounds great, but is it possible you could be mistaking courtesy, consideration & politeness for interest? Whenever I've discovered I'm not interested in a man during the 1st date, I don't get up & walk out... I'm polite, kind, stay through lunch/dinner, graciously thank him, then go home & that's the end of it for me. I supposed I could excuse myself after 10-min & say I'm leaving, but I don't unless someone has been rude, far too forward or I'm really not enjoying myself.

I've had wonderful conversations with men I'm not the least bit interested in... happens at work, in line at the market or at Starbucks each & every day. So, remaining through dinner might mean she is having a good time & good conversation, but for whatever reason, she doesn't feel you're both a match.

Everyone will differ, but I think it's very polite & chivalrous of you to pay. I use that & a man pulling out my seat or opening doors as a gauge to indicate the amount of respect I'll be receiving in the future. I'm very polite, respectful & nurturing & like men who are the same.

Most dates have ended well with a passionate kiss or a not so passionate kiss. I don't know whats goes wrong after that? Is that I'm being too nice.

Okay, here's what I'd say & again, we all differ. A passionate kiss after 1 date, meaning I spent approximately 4-hrs with someone, is too much too soon for me. In 4-hrs time, I'm just learning if I wish to see a man for a 2nd time. What you consider passionate might be experienced for her as being too forward, only being interested in a physical relationship & it might be making her run... it would me.

To the 2nd part... are you being too nice? No. Perhaps she feels you're not respecting her boundaries. Maybe to you personally, or in your circle of friends, or in your culture, it's not experienced this way, but every woman differs & you've already admitted something is going wrong.

Also, you said, 'or a not so passionate kiss'. Again, I like to feel respected & that a man is spending time with me to get to know me as a person, cares what I think & have to say & is making an effort to make me feel safe & secure. If he puts his hands on me, I don't feel safe & secure & it's a huge turn-off... I feel he's only wanting to have physical contact & there wouldn't be a 2nd date for me.

I usually text or call the day after the first date and there is no response. Here is the reply I get a few days after:

"It was really nice meeting you... but unfortunately we are on different pages right now."

And, there you have your answer. She's telling you there is no interest. If there's no response, whether a man or woman, there is no attraction. Either she's not attracted, she doesn't feel you've enough in common or something is going wrong on the date... perhaps it's ending with what you feel is passion & she's experiencing it as someone wishing to take liberties. I'm guessing it's the latter... I don't feel passionate about anyone after only 4-hrs' time.

And, when you say that you have 'good conversation', what does that mean? Are you being respectful & considerate in the kinds of subjects you're bringing up? Are you sure you're not crossing any boundaries & making her uncomfortable?

Is it lack of physical attraction?

Only she would know. For the most part, women try to 'reject' a man with softness so as not to be rude. So, saying 'we're not on the same page' is her way of saying you want different things & are not compatible. For which reason? Only she would know.

Should I ask to split the bill, is me paying the bill being too nice?

I don't understand what that means. So, you feel being less nice will get her to be interested in you?? Why would splitting the check make her more attracted?

Is it that our interests, goals don't match?

Perhaps? What does that mean? What are the interests you're discussing? If you're bringing up the goal of wanting to get married & have 3 children on the 1st date, then it may scare her away... she's just meeting to see if she wants to sit across the table from you again for date 2. If you're interested in going hunting, camping & fishing, again, she may be moving on so you can find a woman who does share those interests, as it's not her. Again, only she would know. You'd only find out by asking directly, perhaps in a text, if you feel comfortable enough to send one of that nature. You've nothing to lose if she's not going to see you again anyway, right? She may not reply with more than a vague answer, if at all, because she doesn't know how you'll respond and/or she doesn't wish to hurt your feelings.

Frank opinions will be appreciated. Have a nice weekend!

Well, that's my frank opinion... I'd say back off a bit on anything more than a handshake or kiss on the cheek to ensure she feels secure. If your results are the same every time, then you need to try something different, yes? Mine is but one opinion, but hopefully, it may help.

You have a good weekend, too & good luck! Don't give up hope. The perfect woman is right around the corner... you just haven't met her yet.