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Its interesting to see posters to this thread state on one hand that they don't know any 30-40 plus year old men with no relationship or sexual experience but on the other hand presume there is something wrong with them and then attempt to diagnose them. Ridiculous. I am 44 and have neither relationship nor sexual experience. I had a friend that girls and then women threw themselves at. At fifteen I realized that he was the type of guy women wanted and I wasn't. At 26 I accepted it, realized I would be spending life alone and moved on with life. After that I put myself through community college and had several women friends there. I left college after two years and began work as a property manager. Had several women coworkers who became good friends over the years from my late 20s to mid 30s. A few women tenants also were friendly with me during these years. I never asked any of these women out because while they liked me as a friend I believed they would never want anything more from me nor love me. I almost asked out one coworker though but walked away without finishing. Even with her smiling at me and her responding to my saying you would shoot me down in a heartbeat with not necessarily. I believed i knew I was not the type of man women wanted. After that I had no further coworkers as the main office moved close by. So from 35-44 there really have been no opportunities to meet women. At about 41 I realized that my thinking was irrational. I still have doubt though. When a love scene is on TV or movie screen my mind reminds me that no woman would ever feel that way about me. I go to the gym, to photo arts group, and go out on history/ghost hunting trips with a good friend but no women. No crippling social anxiety or lack of social skills which has been presumed and yet I have had many more women friends than guy friends. If you don't know anyone like me you have no right to judge people like me.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
If a guy is my age, mid 40s, and has never had a long term relationship (like, 10 years or so), that is a huge red flag. He won't have needed interpersonal skills. And there is probably some reason no woman stayed with him, something he is hiding.
Freaking hilarious. No woman stayed with him. Haha. I just have realized after 2-3 years (and living with them) that if I don't want to marry someone it is time to move on. Not everyone needs a failed marriage to have interpersonal skills. Totally delusional comment.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by nearnorth
It means they enjoy dating until they find the person they want to marry. For a few (a shrinking few, particularly in urban areas in the U.S. outside of the South), this happens in their 20's. For many it happens in their 30's. For an increasing number it happens at 40 and beyond. For some, it never happens. I don't think of it as either "searching" or avoiding, so much as something that happens when the right people find each other at the right stages of life. Chicago, where I live, is chock-full of college educated single (never-married) professionals who don't settle down until their 30's or 40's. There are hordes of us, which I love. I know NYC and LA are similar in that regard, as are many medium-sized cities, increasingly.
Very common. A significant amount of my female friends didn't seriously look until their late 30s. They wanted to finish their grad degrees and excel in their careers. That was the priority, and travel of course. I'm in Boston now, and have lived in Chicago and SF (and other smaller cities), there is zero shortage of late 30s to 40 something single, highly educated, professional women that have never been married that are very desirable.
This is just seems like a my "normal" vs your "normal" with some generalizations thrown in always fun in the morning.
To the OP if it is not brought up there is no need to disclose it unless you want to put on the table like that. If it does come up in some way shape or form just be honest and say it outright if she makes a big deal out it big dodge for your sake and if she doesn't keep going at the most comfortable speed for both of you.
Its interesting to see posters to this thread state on one hand that they don't know any 30-40 plus year old men with no relationship or sexual experience but on the other hand presume there is something wrong with them and then attempt to diagnose them. Ridiculous. I am 44 and have neither relationship nor sexual experience. I had a friend that girls and then women threw themselves at. At fifteen I realized that he was the type of guy women wanted and I wasn't. At 26 I accepted it, realized I would be spending life alone and moved on with life. After that I put myself through community college and had several women friends there. I left college after two years and began work as a property manager. Had several women coworkers who became good friends over the years from my late 20s to mid 30s. A few women tenants also were friendly with me during these years. I never asked any of these women out because while they liked me as a friend I believed they would never want anything more from me nor love me. I almost asked out one coworker though but walked away without finishing. Even with her smiling at me and her responding to my saying you would shoot me down in a heartbeat with not necessarily. I believed i knew I was not the type of man women wanted. After that I had no further coworkers as the main office moved close by. So from 35-44 there really have been no opportunities to meet women. At about 41 I realized that my thinking was irrational. I still have doubt though. When a love scene is on TV or movie screen my mind reminds me that no woman would ever feel that way about me. I go to the gym, to photo arts group, and go out on history/ghost hunting trips with a good friend but no women. No crippling social anxiety or lack of social skills which has been presumed and yet I have had many more women friends than guy friends. If you don't know anyone like me you have no right to judge people like me.
I am so sorry you lived life all the way to 41 thinking you were the type of guy no woman would want, and gave up on finding a loving companion in your life.
I can relate a little, as I spent a lot of years thinking I was "destined" to be a loner. I realized a little sooner that the problem was me. That although I am naturally introverted, that I was actually suffering a social anxiety. That I was actually, almost unconsciously pushing people away from me if they started to get "too close."
Please get yourself some help. I do not say so to insult you, but in my experience I realized that the years had built up a HUGE false image of myself, women, and what they would want in my mind. That ultimately became the biggest hurdle for me to overcome.
I am so sorry you lived life all the way to 41 thinking you were the type of guy no woman would want, and gave up on finding a loving companion in your life.
I can relate a little, as I spent a lot of years thinking I was "destined" to be a loner. I realized a little sooner that the problem was me. That although I am naturally introverted, that I was actually suffering a social anxiety. That I was actually, almost unconsciously pushing people away from me if they started to get "too close."
Please get yourself some help. I do not say so to insult you, but in my experience I realized that the years had built up a HUGE false image of myself, women, and what they would want in my mind. That ultimately became the biggest hurdle for me to overcome.
Great post!
I think the bolded is what it boils down to for so many people. As time goes by, your lack of knowledge or experience with something builds in your mind, you overthink, maybe obsess, and end up getting things twisted around to the point that it starts distorting reality. (Exhibit 1, many members of CD-R)
Sadly, we are our own worst enemies, and it doesn't always have to be about relationships, it could be anything. It's far easier to do nothing, let your mind run away on you instead of taking control over your thoughts and choosing to be proactive and make changes. Recognizing that you have a problem is half the battle, but it's only half and the rest is up to you.
Its interesting to see posters to this thread state on one hand that they don't know any 30-40 plus year old men with no relationship or sexual experience but on the other hand presume there is something wrong with them and then attempt to diagnose them. Ridiculous. I am 44 and have neither relationship nor sexual experience. I had a friend that girls and then women threw themselves at. At fifteen I realized that he was the type of guy women wanted and I wasn't. At 26 I accepted it, realized I would be spending life alone and moved on with life. After that I put myself through community college and had several women friends there. I left college after two years and began work as a property manager. Had several women coworkers who became good friends over the years from my late 20s to mid 30s. A few women tenants also were friendly with me during these years. I never asked any of these women out because while they liked me as a friend I believed they would never want anything more from me nor love me. I almost asked out one coworker though but walked away without finishing. Even with her smiling at me and her responding to my saying you would shoot me down in a heartbeat with not necessarily. I believed i knew I was not the type of man women wanted. After that I had no further coworkers as the main office moved close by. So from 35-44 there really have been no opportunities to meet women. At about 41 I realized that my thinking was irrational. I still have doubt though. When a love scene is on TV or movie screen my mind reminds me that no woman would ever feel that way about me. I go to the gym, to photo arts group, and go out on history/ghost hunting trips with a good friend but no women. No crippling social anxiety or lack of social skills which has been presumed and yet I have had many more women friends than guy friends. If you don't know anyone like me you have no right to judge people like me.
You are exactly what some posters describe. A man with no relationship experience because of crippling self doubt and shyness. These ARE issues.
It sounds like you have the rest of your life in order, but to have never asked a woman out because of fear is a problem. Sexual experience aside, you do not know how people interact within relationships and it will take you some time to learn.
Some women will find that learning curve to be a deal breaker.
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I know NYC and LA are similar in that regard, as are many medium-sized cities, increasingly.
I am so sorry you lived life all the way to 41 thinking you were the type of guy no woman would want, and gave up on finding a loving companion in your life.