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So, they want to find a partner but just haven't? They have been searching for 20+ years? When you said they were 'enjoying the single life', I thought that meant they did not want longer relationships.
It means they enjoy dating until they find the person they want to marry. For a few (a shrinking few, particularly in urban areas in the U.S. outside of the South), this happens in their 20's. For many it happens in their 30's. For an increasing number it happens at 40 and beyond. For some, it never happens. I don't think of it as either "searching" or avoiding, so much as something that happens when the right people find each other at the right stages of life. Chicago, where I live, is chock-full of college educated single (never-married) professionals who don't settle down until their 30's or 40's. There are hordes of us, which I love. I know NYC and LA are similar in that regard, as are many medium-sized cities, increasingly.
While the language might be a bit harsh, I don't think that's totally off-base. At the very least I would expect some severe social anxiety and/or really poor social skills.
I think "poor social skills" is cop-out language for people who can't face the truth about their illness. It has nothing to do with social "skills." It is not like those who suffer were just never taught how to converse and interact with others. No this is not a lack of skill, it is a lack of capability, due to a psychological disorder.
Social phobia is a mental illness, diagnosable and treatable with medicine that adjusts brain chemistry to what is normal for the human brain, and with cognitive behavioural therapy to break old patterns of thinking.
Sadly, too many people fear the stigma of mental ill-health so much that they bumble and stumble like lost children through life and in message boards raging and blaming everyone around them for their failures. If they could just swallow their pride and seek pharmacological and therapeutic help, they could completely transform their lives.
I think "poor social skills" is cop-out language for people who can't face the truth about their illness. It has nothing to do with social "skills." It is not like those who suffer were just never taught how to converse and interact with others. No this is not a lack of skill, it is a lack of capability, due to a psychological disorder.
Social phobia is a mental illness, diagnosable and treatable with medicine that adjusts brain chemistry to what is normal for the human brain, and with cognitive behavioural therapy to break old patterns of thinking.
Sadly, too many people fear the stigma of mental ill-health so much that they bumble and stumble like lost children through life and in message boards raging and blaming everyone around them for their failures. If they could just swallow their pride and seek pharmacological and therapeutic help, they could completely transform their lives.
I agree completely with all of the above, except for your statement about poor social skills being "cop out language." Teaching social skills is a big part of treating Autism (among other diagnoses), and is in fact the language we use in the mental health field. Since you appear to want to get technical I would add that "Social phobia" is actually called Social Anxiety Disorder, and various forms of talk therapy are effective, not just CBT.
Also, there are people who have poor social skills and/or some symptoms of social anxiety without having a full-blown diagnosable mental disorder. I see it all the time.
Last edited by nearnorth; 10-31-2013 at 12:51 AM..
Perhaps. Do you live in a suburban area or small town, maybe? I did tend to encounter more divorced people (usually with kids) when I lived in those types of areas than I do in the city. Even then I don't know that many of them were in their marriages for more than 10 years, though. That would have to mean they started the relationship in their 20's and only recently ended it, in order to have done all that by 40. That's a rather specific set of circumstances.
This is the case for me. 13-year marriage and my ex left me within a month of my 40th birthday. When I did OLD, most of the men I looked for in my age range (38-48) who were divorced put in their profiles that their longest relationship was "over 10 years." There were a few that were less, but it seemed like most were that way. There were very few never married men on the sites in their 40s.
It might be a demographics thing though... or even specific to the dating sites I used. I live outside a large city, but it's a very conservative area. Maybe that has an effect on length of relationships. Whatever the case, I tended to not care too much how long the longest relationship was because I was only looking to date, nothing serious. But I did find it unusal to see anyone in my age-range who didn't claim to have a serious relationship of 8-10 years or more.
Going back to the original question though. You'd think that lack of sexual experience would mean a man isn't "good" in bed. But as I recently mentioned in another thread, the best man I've ever had was a virgin when I started dating him. He was awkward and not so great at first (our first time was a matter of seconds--literally), but he was a fast learner for sure. He ended up being the most adventurous partner I've ever had and most pleasing in bed. Then again, to keep things in perspective... I haven't had sex with too many men... just 3 (two boyfriends and my ex-husband). So maybe that's too small a sample.
Last edited by jillabean; 10-31-2013 at 12:50 AM..
Reason: typo
It might be a demographics thing though... or even specific to the dating sites I used. I live outside a large city, but it's a very conservative area.
I think that's definitely a factor. When I lived in an area like that, the demographics were similar to what you describe. i didn't encounter it so much in dating due to my age at the time, but I saw it.
Conversely, if a woman has never asked a man out in her life I might jump to early conclusions about her and her deep seated cognitive issues and cognitive dissonance.
It doesn't matter. A woman will only know you have no experience if you tell her. So find a girl you can practice with.. get the experience.. then move on.
Wrong.
A girl will only know if you tell her. A woman will know right away while the man is fumbling about.
You WANT a woman. So why have you been unable to achieve even the most benign physical encounter with one? I am willing to bet that you have at least one, perhaps even two, of the impairments I listed.
Such solipsistic thinking. Have you considered the possibility that some men (or many men) who are mentally and emotionally healthy are just undesirable to ALL women? Women, at the end of the day, collectively decide which men get to have relationships and sex. Many men, who are mentally and psychologically sound, are deemed undesirable due to characteristics largely beyond their control (looks, height, ethnicity, etc) and thus left to their own devices. To say ALL of these men suffer from a mental disorder of some kind is the height of all callousness and just a further testament to how our society always heaps all the blame onto men.
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I know NYC and LA are similar in that regard, as are many medium-sized cities, increasingly.
