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I agree with zentropa. You don't love your husband? Will you love living as a single mom of two small children? Not much opportunity to date. Think very seriously about where you will live and what kind of life your children will have.
Your husband has been sleeping on the couch for two years--almost your entire marriage. He provides for the family and presumably doesn't cheat on you. What does he have to look forward to in life? He's overweight, getting bigger, and it seems like you can't stand him. No wonder he's depressed and hiding in the computer. I suggest counseling for both of you.
She said he was addicted to the internet before they got married, though. There were red flags that he wasn't marriage material in the first place.
OP, what are your options? Do you have an alternative place to live (your parents' place, maybe)? Would you be able to get a job to pay rent, and what about day care for the kids? How practical is it to leave?
Have you ever tried to resolve your relationship issues? Like, help him get healthier or try counseling for the two of you instead of just giving up?
Does he love his children? And would you have the means to support them if you divorced your husband?
My sister isn't with the father of her child and she struggled to find good work after graduating from college, but our parents were more than happy to take her in and help her raise her daughter. The grandparents (our parents) are very stable financially, but my sister herself isn't. In a custody case the father could easily win custody because he's the parent of their toddler who has job and financial security (he's military reserves), even though he's spent minimal time with his daughter and their time together has always been supervised by my sister. Gone are the days when courts would automatically award the children to the mom just because she's a woman.
For now my sister and her daughter's dad are friendly, but the threat of a custody battle, should things turn sour, is always a concern in the back of her mind.
I don't understand why people keep popping kids out with someone who they don't truly love and don't want to be with?? They must be living in the fantasy world of "the kids will make it all better"
I just feel bad for your kids reading this. To have a father who acts like helping out with them is a burden? Oh god.
Get counseling or leave him, but just make sure THAT behavior stops. That's just cruel to your children - your oldest is old enough to internalize that.
I stupidly got married at 19. Stupid, I know, but I was young. My ex was abusive in all sorts of ways, mostly physical and verbal. Left after a few years. Started dating my current husband a month after I left my ex. I suppose looking back I can see it was a rebound relationship, although I didn't think so at the time.
He seemed perfect compared to my ex. He never yells, isn't violent, and was wise with his money whereas my ex drove us to bankruptcy. A few what I thought to be minor issue came up about 1 1/2 years into the relationship -- mainly he thought I was lazy and always got after me for it (I wasn't, and he admits that now he just didn't know how much work actually went into my studies), he didn't take care of his health, and he was addicted to the internet. I almost left him, actually started looking for another place to live (we lived together), then I got pregnant. I love our daughter to death and she is not a mistake at all, but it was a mistake to be having unprotected sex with someone while I was planning on leaving them!! I know! Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.
So while I was pregnant, we got married. It seemed to be working out fine, and I blamed any ill feelings I had towards him on postpartum depression or just adjusting to life with kids. We had another kid too, so now we have 2 little ones. We have been married for almost 2 1/2 years now.
I am starting to realize that those little issues I had with him in the past (mainly not taking care of his health and addiction to internet) are actually HUGE things and putting a major strain on our relationship. He acts like helping do things like read to one kid while I change a diaper or wipe a kid up after eating or give a kid a bottle is a huge burden and constantly complains. I'm sure I'm no angel either, he says my major flaw is that I'm rude.
We live like roommates now. Haven't slept in the same bed for about 2 years, he sleeps downstairs and I'm upstairs. I kicked him out of the room when I was 8 months pregnant with our first. He snores really loud and I just found it difficult to go back to sleep after getting up to pee for the billionth time that night if he was snoring. His snoring has gotten worse because he is gaining more weight, but he doesn't do anything about it. He can't even sleep in the same room as me now because I can no longer wear ear plugs since I need to hear the kids if they wake up. He won't wake up to their cries, I think he has selective hearing at night. So I told him go to the doctor and get a cpap or surgery or nasal strips or something, anything, to fix the problem so we can sleep together in the same room. He won't do anything about it.
So all these problems are causing major strain on our relationship. We don't hardly have sex because since we don't sleep in the same room and with 2 little kids, it is hard. I really see now that I shouldn't have married him. I was pregnant and that is why I did. I don't really love him anymore, or at least that is how I feel right now.
The issue is that other than how he is less than helpful with the kids and he doesn't try and solve the snoring problem so he can sleep in the same bed with me, he is a good guy. Holds a steady job, supports our family, provides for us, doesn't yell, isn't abusive, doesn't cheat, honest, etc. We get along, there is just NO passion, it is like room mates.
So, today, I told him I wanted a separation. I am not in a place to move out, and I don't want to move out, I think I just said that because I wanted to give him a wake up call. I admitted to him I don't love him anymore. I know that sounds cruel, but it is like we are roommates.
What do you think I should do from here? It probably wasn't wise to say what I did today, but I can't go back in time and undo it. I was honest, and I told him how I feel. Neither of us are wearing our wedding rings now, I threw mine at him actually after our son was screaming his head off on the ground and I was taking care of something else and asked him to pick our son up, but he just said "you're right there, you do it" (he was on the internet, I was doing something I think with our other kid). Overreacting maybe, but it was like the last straw.
Advice?? I'm so lost. I would love to save our marriage if it means actually having a marriage, but what we have now is a joke of a marriage. On the outside to everyone else we look happy, but we are living like without passion or love.
It's time for a plan of action honey.
You are wise to be addressing your concerns NOW before any more time goes by.
So...
first things first....make an appt with a marriage counselor. You simply tell the counselor that your goal is determine whether or not you two want to stay married, and if you do decide you do, for them to help you learn the tools you need to make that happen.
If you decide you don't want to be married, then you need the counselor to help you both through the process of separating and divorcing with as much dignity and integrity as you can each muster.
Either way, you need some professional guidance and support.
I'd love to hear his side of this. Nobody can make an intelligent statement about your relationship without knowing how your husband feels. There are always two sides to every story and I have a feeling that if we were to hear his side, it would be a LOT different.
I think that having little kids most likely amplifies a lot of your current problems. It's a time where you probably are not getting enough sleep and you feel resentment towards your husband because he's not as hands on as you are, with the kids. I actually think rough patches in marriages are common for couples with small children.
My advice would be to try to come up with some solutions for some of the problems you are having, like his internet addiction and the lack of romance. If you can solve some of the problems you may be able to ride this storm out and find that things getting better with a little bit of time and effort. All marriages take work and to me this just sounds like one of those rough times that with some effort, could be turned around. Maybe not, but it's certainly worth the effort, considering the fact that you do have two kids together.
Is your name Jean? This sounds very much like my best friends' situation. She is in a very identical situation. Similar past too. Scary.
Anyhow, I will you like I told her, you cannot run from your problems. You need to deal with the problem. It will not be any better being a single mother...matter fact, your quality of life will probably be worse and you may be trading this problem for another one. I saw this happen with my BFF, she would have a problem, run from it and right into another problem. She went from one bad situation to the next, all because she didn't solve the prior problem....snowball effect. Grass isn't always greener on the other side.
I'm sorry but as with my BFF, I have no sympathy for your situation and it irritates me that marriage is so disposable for you. That's what's wrong with our society's institution of marriage. You could've left before kid #1 was created thus not get married. I don't understand how you can be unhappy with someone but still continue to have sex with them...let alone, unprotected sex then turns into a child and thus a sticky situation. I say try to work it out. Get counseling. Do something but don't run from the problem.
I'd love to hear his side of this. Nobody can make an intelligent statement about your relationship without knowing how your husband feels. There are always two sides to every story and I have a feeling that if we were to hear his side, it would be a LOT different.
20yrsinBranson
Quote:
Originally Posted by kbass
Is your name Jean? This sounds very much like my best friends' situation. She is in a very identical situation. Similar past too. Scary.
Anyhow, I will you like I told her, you cannot run from your problems. You need to deal with the problem. It will not be any better being a single mother...matter fact, your quality of life will probably be worse and you may be trading this problem for another one. I saw this happen with my BFF, she would have a problem, run from it and right into another problem. She went from one bad situation to the next, all because she didn't solve the prior problem....snowball effect. Grass isn't always greener on the other side.
I'm sorry but as with my BFF, I have no sympathy for your situation and it irritates me that marriage is so disposable for you. That's what's wrong with our society's institution of marriage. You could've left before kid #1 was created thus not get married. I don't understand how you can be unhappy with someone but still continue to have sex with them...let alone, unprotected sex then turns into a child and thus a sticky situation. I say try to work it out. Get counseling. Do something but don't run from the problem.
These are reasons why I believe she's a big part of the problem, as well. All I see is 'He did this and he did that.' What is she doing in the relationship to make it better?
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I love our daughter to death and she is not a mistake at all, but it was a mistake to be having unprotected sex with someone while I was planning on leaving them!! I know! Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.
