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The question to remarry or even get into a relationship has crossed my mind on occasion over the years, but ultimately I keep saying "no" to that question.
A little background. I watched my parents divorce and get all bound up in their new relationships that took precedence over raising me...I was basically left to my own devices while they pursued and tried to hang on to second/third marriages. I was married in 1985 to a lady who had a 2 year old, so instantly I was a husband and father. 1992 my son was born. 1994 my wife decided the grass was greener on the other side of the fence and left me with her son and our son to raise as a full-time father. Now because of my experience with my parents, I vowed to concentrate on raising the boys rather than develop a new relationship with a woman. Zoom forward to the present day, and my youngest son has just moved out of the house on his own. I have spent the last 30 years raising kids and having that responsibility for 20 of those years, 24 hours a day on my own.
Do I see a relationship in my future? Would I even be open to that idea after being independent and "on my own" for so long? I believe the answer has to be "No". I see a bright future ahead of me, great job, great benefits, housekeeper once a week (what a luxury!!!), no responsibility other than to myself and a blissfully quiet home with abundant time on my hands for hobbies, adventures and freedom. I have a hard time comprehending how adding a relationship and all that encompasses to the mix would make a positive difference in my life.
well said, and BTW, congratulations on your accomplishments of many! You did good!
If something happened to my husband, I don't think I would marry again. We've been through a lot together already, and I don't want to do it all over again with someone new. I don't have the energy or interest to start over.
Single, Divorced, Older Folks - Would you marry again?
I think it depends on your marriage experience. I'm sure those who were divorced because they were cheated on, abused in any way, in short, bad marriage most likely would never marry again.
But those who were widowed and in general had a long happy marriage most likely will have no prob re marrying. Like my father, when my mother passed away it only took him short time and re married.
When I almost divorced, I really thought marriage was a joke. Because I almost divorced my husband of merely 2 months. Now my marriage is OK. We worked on our marriage so we are still together. I of course would like it to be like my parents marriage like LITERALLY til death do us part.
But if for some reason, we broke up, or he dies before me. I have a feeling I won't marry again. I would just be okay with live in arrangements. Or weekend rendezvous relationship.
yanno the danger here is, if you've had a good marriage, you might not be so lucky next time....that is what some of my friends say, they are afraid they'd get a dud, and they don't want to go thru that, or take care of another man....
I tell you seriously, relationships are hard work....and I don't want to work that hard any more....plus, it would drive me nuts to have someone else in my kitchen.
I've only read the first page, but I'm sure there's dudes on here who can relate. I was in a 4 year relationship in my 20's, followed by a 2 year relationship in my early 30's. Neither of those women was right for me, but I still thought I could meet "the one". Then I met her, the woman I thought was the one. Dated her for 3 years and then married her. Biggest mistake of my life. At 40, got divorced and went into a deep depression (I didn't want the divorce). Was unemployed and unhappy for well over 2 years. Finally left the house I was married in and moved across the country for a new job. I do really well financially, but now I worry about not being able to retire after the great recession and divorce drained me. The women I meet out here want to be stay at home moms. If I did that, I'd end up broke, as the woman would surely leave me and take everything. I can't risk it, and I no longer trust women after what my ex-wife did to me. Plus, dating has changed so much with the internet that I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Better to just give up on the dream of a family now. Sad, but true. A bad choice in my 30's cost me my future. I can't get it back.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
Not every divorced woman takes a man to the cleaners. You know that, right? I could have attached a few of my ex's things to my divorce, including a retirement fund, and my attorney encouraged me to pursue a clause stating that when he came into a large sum of money that he would pay me back for supporting him, etc., because his grandfather was loaded and he stood to inherit a nice piece of change. But my ex and I were adults about the whole thing, and agreed to leave the marriage with what we came into it.
And not every single, middle aged man is a sickly, selfish, manchild looking for a cook/housekeeper/nurse.
Now if you were a man reading this thread, as I am, you might feel a bit irritated, as I do. I can't quarrel with anyone's choice to marry again or not. That's none of my business. What I guess I feel is my business is how topics get discussed here.
Lilac110, Altguy's post got a pretty quick response from you. I agree with your take on things, but in contrast to your take on the risks men represent, it seems a bit curious. In my experience men who take their responsibilities to their children seriously or who follow what the court decrees in terms of settlements and future support payments (non deadbeats) often get shredded pretty severely in divorce. If a man has experienced that once, he might be wise to be cautious entering into another marriage that could put him at risk again. I think he's speaking from some pretty raw emotion when he says a future wife would "surely leave me and take everything", but the only part that's clearly questionable is the "surely" part and the "evrything" comment. If his experience leaves him fearful that he'll be hurt emotionally and financially if he marries again, is that really off base? Is that really different from the comments several women here have made and which you support?
Which makes me wonder if you're not so much responding to him, as responding to the over reach of his comments. Which brings me back to this thread in general.
I'm in my mid 50s and I was married for 20 years. During that time and after our split I was the primary emotional support, the primary medic, the attendee at about 98% of all parent teacher conferences, concerts, sporting events, debates, plays or recitals that my 3 children participated in. My ex went to a baseball game and 4-5 concerts.
I'm realtively healthy and fit, while I can't guarantee that I won't become ill at some point, neither can you nor anyine can guarantee their health. I sincerely cringe at the thought of anyone taking care of me, now or in the future.
In other words, I'm not the "men" you and several others allude to in this thread, and my ex isn't carrying and never did carry the burden of our relationship. To which you could rightly say, "then it doesn't apply to you". Just like Altguy's generalizations don't apply to you.
What prompted you to essentially defend women's role in divorces prompts me to defend men as they're portrayed in this thread. Because that portrayal doesn't fit me or a number of men I know.
Several women in this thread have said they like men, typically after having listed several deficits or character flaws. Really, it's not all that extreme, reading this thread, to wonder if women who see men as a potential burden bound up in a childish level of neediness really like those same men. Why would you like or respect them? I get that you're talking in the context of marriage and the particular obligations and such that marriage entails, but can you really like or respect a man as a friend if you believe that he's such a mess? If all of the women you know feel the same way?
It makes me wonder if the women I interact with see me as some sort of emotional vampire with a Florence Nightingale fetish. I'm serious. If this thread represents women's feelings about men, why do you want any part of us? That's a little tough for me to grasp.
Although Djuna did elevate the tone of the thread and give me some hope that men and women can find common ground with her couple of comments. Because modern, enlightened men want more than anything to be a woman's fvcktoy or her bedroom accessory. That part gives me a warm feeling that men and women inside a committed relationship or not can have a solid basis for caring for and respecting each other.
Wearenottryingtobashmeningeneral or just arbitrarily declaring that women over a certain age don't need a man we are discussing what our female friends, family and we ourselves have experienced.
Yes you are, the dominant sentiment of this thread is that old radical feminist saying that,
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."
According to the attitude on this and other threads on CD, we older men are said to be beasts because, choose as many as you like:
We get old.
We develop health issues.
We lose our looks.
We do not stay in shape.
We demand sex too often, or
We screw our secretaries, or
We are no longer able to screw anyone.
We play golf too often.
We go fishing too often.
We go bowling too often.
We spend too much time away from home, or
We spend too much time at home and get in the way and get on a woman's nerves.
We do not make or have enough money.
We spend too much money on trivial things.
We make money, but do not spend enough on her, we are cheapskates.
We never help out or do anything around the house.
We never pick up after ourselves, drop our clothes all over, and leave a mess wherever we go.
We pee on the toilet seat or on the floor.
We expect a woman to always wait on us hand and foot at a moment's notice.
We do not give a woman the emotional intimacy, affection, closeness, and warmth that she needs.
We never take her anyplace she wants to go.
We seek out another woman late in life only because we want, "A nurse, a purse, and a housekeeper."
As a presently unattached older male, on the above list, about the only thing that myself, and many, many other older men are guilty of, is getting older, and perhaps, loosing our looks a bit and getting a few minor health problems. The blatant cynicism and accusations hurled by bitter women are infuriating to those of us that do not deserve them.
One of the common complaints expressed by these women is whining that they "Are tired of taking care of a man." Excuse me, but isn't that what you do in a close relationship, take care of each other? He takes care of you, and you take care of him? It would seem that these self centered women feel entitled to all the benefits and advantages of a close relationship with a man, while at the same time not assuming any of the responsibilities or obligations. You want a man in your life but not in your house? You wish to do just what you choose to do, when, where, and how you want, without having to answer to or consult with a man? Sorry, but that is not how a partnership works. Yes, you both have your individual interests, friends that you keep company with, and freedoms, but your partner always gets top priority. This "I want to have my cake and eat it too" attitude is childish and doesn't work.
Over on the Retirement forum there are also a few threads on this topic, with some of the women also stating that they prefer to stay alone. However, there are also posts from ladies commenting that they would indeed like to re marry, but that there is a shortage of suitable available older men, the old "All the good ones are taken" complaint.
Finally, sadly, there is one word in this entire thread that has been mentioned only very sparingly.That word is Love. Marriage, close relationships, dating, and companionship, have been discussed as if they were merely a business arrangement, interviewing a prospective tenant, or agreeing to associate with each other due to a common interest. Don't men and women still marry each other, regardless of how old they may be, because they love each other? Or am I just an old sentimentalist, out of touch with the times, that believes in this?
And not every single, middle aged man is a sickly, selfish, manchild looking for a cook/housekeeper/nurse.
Now if you were a man reading this thread, as I am, you might feel a bit irritated, as I do. I can't quarrel with anyone's choice to marry again or not. That's none of my business. What I guess I feel is my business is how topics get discussed here.
Lilac110, Altguy's post got a pretty quick response from you. I agree with your take on things, but in contrast to your take on the risks men represent, it seems a bit curious. In my experience men who take their responsibilities to their children seriously or who follow what the court decrees in terms of settlements and future support payments (non deadbeats) often get shredded pretty severely in divorce. If a man has experienced that once, he might be wise to be cautious entering into another marriage that could put him at risk again. I think he's speaking from some pretty raw emotion when he says a future wife would "surely leave me and take everything", but the only part that's clearly questionable is the "surely" part and the "evrything" comment. If his experience leaves him fearful that he'll be hurt emotionally and financially if he marries again, is that really off base? Is that really different from the comments several women here have made and which you support?
Which makes me wonder if you're not so much responding to him, as responding to the over reach of his comments. Which brings me back to this thread in general.
I'm in my mid 50s and I was married for 20 years. During that time and after our split I was the primary emotional support, the primary medic, the attendee at about 98% of all parent teacher conferences, concerts, sporting events, debates, plays or recitals that my 3 children participated in. My ex went to a baseball game and 4-5 concerts.
I'm realtively healthy and fit, while I can't guarantee that I won't become ill at some point, neither can you nor anyine can guarantee their health. I sincerely cringe at the thought of anyone taking care of me, now or in the future.
In other words, I'm not the "men" you and several others allude to in this thread, and my ex isn't carrying and never did carry the burden of our relationship. To which you could rightly say, "then it doesn't apply to you". Just like Altguy's generalizations don't apply to you.
What prompted you to essentially defend women's role in divorces prompts me to defend men as they're portrayed in this thread. Because that portrayal doesn't fit me or a number of men I know.
Several women in this thread have said they like men, typically after having listed several deficits or character flaws. Really, it's not all that extreme, reading this thread, to wonder if women who see men as a potential burden bound up in a childish level of neediness really like those same men. Why would you like or respect them? I get that you're talking in the context of marriage and the particular obligations and such that marriage entails, but can you really like or respect a man as a friend if you believe that he's such a mess? If all of the women you know feel the same way?
It makes me wonder if the women I interact with see me as some sort of emotional vampire with a Florence Nightingale fetish. I'm serious. If this thread represents women's feelings about men, why do you want any part of us? That's a little tough for me to grasp.
Although Djuna did elevate the tone of the thread and give me some hope that men and women can find common ground with her couple of comments. Because modern, enlightened men want more than anything to be a woman's fvcktoy or her bedroom accessory. That part gives me a warm feeling that men and women inside a committed relationship or not can have a solid basis for caring for and respecting each other.
I'm sorry you took offense to my feelings....no one is pointing fingers at YOU, and I don't believe women who you date are going to look at you like this....
I'm 65 years old and have no desire to enter into a relationship again, and If I were a man, I'd say the very same thing.
Why do you take this so personal and offensive, is what I'd like to know.
We've said over and over and over again,
we are not discussing ALLLLLLLLLL Men, we are discussing our feelings, due to our experiences, what else could we relate to...?
and no, I don't hate men, never have,never will matter of fact, I grew up with boys and probably understand them a whole lot better then you think I do. I even worked an all man's job for 18 years, b/c it paid well, and was very well liked....so, please don't get all offended or offensive to your sex....it isn't about YOU....
we've lived it, tried it, it didn't work for us, I had two very bad marriages, and do not have a good marriage under my belt, do I think all men are like this NO!
Now, it's pretty common knowlege that men get sick and die before women, I don't know why, but it is true. I have many friends who were loyal to their husbands and care givers to the very end. However, they say, they would not do it again. Period, that is not offensive in the least, but more so, an extremely difficult task to perform when someone is sick, weighs much more then you do, wears diapers, and are angry or loosing it mentally, and trys to hit them.
And before we go any further, I'm not saying every marriage or man is like this....so please, but what I'm saying is, when you get older, especially women, they don't want to go thru it again...compromise, marriage, dating, getting along, and giving in is very very very hard work. That again, is nothing personal about or against men, I say the same thing for women....any relationship takes patience, there is always someone who gives so much more to keep the peace, and a whole lot of giving up and compromise, and if you can't understand that, then I guess I need not go any further.
I'm sorry if you don't....but even if I had a good marriage, I wouldn't want to be with someone again....and that's ok, I'm not looking for your approval, nor am I bringing the whole male population down...it is in fact, my true feelings...so, like it or not, it's my right as a human being. I gave, and now it is my turn to live my life as I see fit, and certainly think and feel the way I do.
I have a whole lot of male friends, ones that I haven't slept with, they are just that, friends, and I can tell you honestly, those friendships are extremely valuable to me....very spiritual and fulfilling, but marriage, living with someone, even a woman, I could not do, and years ago, I did live with a girl friend, we were not gay, but friends....
anyway, I'm sorry your offended at this, but these people are allowed to feel as they do, they've worked hard all their lives, raised kids, birthed kids, washed clothes, some of us used to iron...clothes....so, what I'm trying to say is, I'm really very shocked by your inability to just read, and be able to allow others to feel as they do, without taking offense or anger or feeling like the whole male population needs to be defended by you b/c we hate all men? Not true...
and whenever someone comes into a thread like this and blows off steam and accuses others for their feelings I have to wonder, what is behind their defenseive mode, why are they taking posts in threads by strangers so personal...to the point of feeling they have to become so defensive and are so irritated? I don't get that....seriously.
You are unable to view a bigger picture, rather then just saying, ok, that is the way they feel, not all women feel that way, but that's ok, nothing wrong with them, it is simply how they feel and if they are ok, I'm ok with it....
but to get all personally involved like we personally attacked You or something, I mean, REALLY?
I love every aspect of being single except for one thing.........remaking the bed on laundry day ! I don't mind cooking, cleaning, or doing actual laundry, but putting the sheets and blankets back on after washing them really sucks. Maybe I can get an "only on laundry day GF."
Don
It's called a housecleaner and they are much cheaper than dating!
Yes you are, the dominant sentiment of this thread is that old radical feminist saying that,
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."
According to the attitude on this and other threads on CD, we older men are said to be beasts because, choose as many as you like:
We get old.
We develop health issues.
We lose our looks.
We do not stay in shape.
We demand sex too often, or
We screw our secretaries, or
We are no longer able to screw anyone.
We play golf too often.
We go fishing too often.
We go bowling too often.
We spend too much time away from home, or
We spend too much time at home and get in the way and get on a woman's nerves.
We do not make or have enough money.
We spend too much money on trivial things.
We make money, but do not spend enough on her, we are cheapskates.
We never help out or do anything around the house.
We never pick up after ourselves, drop our clothes all over, and leave a mess wherever we go.
We pee on the toilet seat or on the floor.
We expect a woman to always wait on us hand and foot at a moment's notice.
We do not give a woman the emotional intimacy, affection, closeness, and warmth that she needs.
We never take her anyplace she wants to go.
We seek out another woman late in life only because we want, "A nurse, a purse, and a housekeeper."
As a presently unattached older male, on the above list, about the only thing that myself, and many, many other older men are guilty of, is getting older, and perhaps, loosing our looks a bit and getting a few minor health problems. The blatant cynicism and accusations hurled by bitter women are infuriating to those of us that do not deserve them.
One of the common complaints expressed by these women is whining that they "Are tired of taking care of a man." Excuse me, but isn't that what you do in a close relationship, take care of each other? He takes care of you, and you take care of him? It would seem that these self centered women feel entitled to all the benefits and advantages of a close relationship with a man, while at the same time not assuming any of the responsibilities or obligations. You want a man in your life but not in your house? You wish to do just what you choose to do, when, where, and how you want, without having to answer to or consult with a man? Sorry, but that is not how a partnership works. Yes, you both have your individual interests, friends that you keep company with, and freedoms, but your partner always gets top priority. This "I want to have my cake and eat it too" attitude is childish and doesn't work.
Over on the Retirement forum there are also a few threads on this topic, with some of the women also stating that they prefer to stay alone. However, there are also posts from ladies commenting that they would indeed like to re marry, but that there is a shortage of suitable available older men, the old "All the good ones are taken" complaint.
Finally, sadly, there is one word in this entire thread that has been mentioned only very sparingly.That word is Love. Marriage, close relationships, dating, and companionship, have been discussed as if they were merely a business arrangement, interviewing a prospective tenant, or agreeing to associate with each other due to a common interest. Don't men and women still marry each other, regardless of how old they may be, because they love each other? Or am I just an old sentimentalist, out of touch with the times, that believes in this?
well, once again, why would you take what others think and feel so personally? And yes, I know a lot of men who want a women in their lives but not in their home, what is wrong with that? They're allowed, and they don't have to ask permission to feel that way. It's ok to feel that way...
My one girlfriends man loves her to death....he is in his 70's a really nice man, however, he'd never marry again and they have a wonderful relationship....they are happy, what is wrong with that? He says the same thing about women, but he met someone who thinks and feels like he does, therefore it works....and they just came back from a wonderful vacation, laughed so much had a great time together. Why is that wrong....and she feels the same way he does, he couldn't live with someone ever again? So what, it works for them, for him , for her, for me....just b/c I'm a woman, doesn't mean I can't have feelings that do not agree with yours....and to take this all personal is rather silly on your part....there are plenty of men out there who feel the same way we do, and they have posted here, but you didn't choose to get all angry at them, and we all realized, they were not attacking us....
Common interest is fine, marriage can be wonderful...for some....but it isn't for everyone, and yes, sometimes, believe it or not, women experience bad marriages....and express what they didn't have....and why they feel the way they feel, but that certainly doesn't mean they are talking about you, heck I mean think about it, before you came into this thread with both barrels full, we didn't even know you, how in the world can you believe we were talking about you??????
I'm very sorry you took offense, but hey, some older married and divorced single people feel this way, even men. And it's ok, they are not bashing women, they are speaking from their experiences.
Once again, I'm sorry you feel like we are bashing men, we are not, what we are doing, is sharing our experiences and what decissions we've made from those experiences....that is pure truth and what life is all about...I have a brother, who is a man, he is a wonderful guy, he went thru a bad marriage and said the same thing that I have said....do you honestly believe I'm going to take offense...NO, he isn't referring to me, he is sharing his true feelings about his life, how he feels and knows that not all women are alike....
My sister knows a man, he was her husbands best friend. who refuses to leave his wife, yet, they live in different parts of the house, rarely talk to each other, and they will not divorce each other b/c of the money that they both could lose. I don't understand that, but hey, that is their life and how they feel...and they are fine with it, who am I to judge or get defensive b/c he looks at his marriage like a business deal. It works for them.
We can't all agree, but just b/c we dont' agree, doesn't mean we are men haters or that we are bashing men.
We are simply happy and confident to be by ourselves.
And let me tell you, my girlfriends husband took care of her while she was dying of cancer, a long slow death, and he loved her dearly, but the heartache of seeing her like that was unbearable and he says, he will never ever marry again.
and yes, love does exist and did exist for us, we just were not lucky at it....and yes, marriage does work for a lot of people, fine, you should know that it does....I just can't get over your lack of understanding that we are not talking about the entire population, we are simply a few women and men sharing how we feel about marriage.
So, what if it doesn't meet with your expectations, we can't, live up to your expectations....but that is ok....try and view a bigger picture and allow others to their feelings and expressions....
my gosh....life is a gift, and we get to choose how we wish to live it....yanno?
Last edited by cremebrulee; 04-18-2014 at 11:28 AM..
Not every divorced woman takes a man to the cleaners. You know that, right? I could have attached a few of my ex's things to my divorce, including a retirement fund, and my attorney encouraged me to pursue a clause stating that when he came into a large sum of money that he would pay me back for supporting him, etc., because his grandfather was loaded and he stood to inherit a nice piece of change. But my ex and I were adults about the whole thing, and agreed to leave the marriage with what we came into it.
Same here, not going into the full details, but, during my request for a separation, the judge specifically asked for any request of me financially of my ex and I said I wanted nothing but to be no longer connected in any way whatsoever, same when time for signing papers for the divorce. Just wanted finality to the marriage and any interactions with the ex, nothing more..
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I don't mind cooking, cleaning, or doing actual laundry, but putting the sheets and blankets back on after washing them really sucks. Maybe I can get an "only on laundry day GF." 
