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I told her my feelings a few days ago. Said she's under stress. To her credit, she's seeing a MH counselor. Hopefully she receives the type of professional help she needs to get through this tough time.
That's great for her, but what about you? If you can, I would try and find a spouse's support group; I don't think it could hurt and could help. The people there would probably have a better idea of what your wife is going through and may be able to give you better ideas than we could here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meyerland
My husband is less affectionate when he is dealing with extreme stress. When I am very busy and stressed the last thing I need is a hug. I think a lot of people do this. It doesn't mean there is a huge problem in your marriage. I am concerned with the length of time she has been having an issue with this, but it's probably compounded by the cancer and reconstructive surgery.
I would ask her one thing you can do to help her, and then do it. Whatever it is. Communication will be the key to solving your marital issues.
I think the bolded is a good idea.
Lots of people shut down when they are under stress so I'm not that surprised by how the OP's wife is acting.
I told her my feelings a few days ago. Said she's under stress. To her credit, she's seeing a MH counselor. Hopefully she receives the type of professional help she needs to get through this tough time.
We hope you do as well.
You can't do this alone, and a support group will help you understand why your spouse can't support you very well while she's going through cancer and reconstructive surgery.
You can't do this alone, and a support group will help you understand why your spouse can't support you very well while she's going through cancer and reconstructive surgery.
That said, I've been trying to do better. I'm helping her with her goal to start a blog. I send her romantic e-cards during the day. I try to spend more time with her at night and be more present. I watch the kids so she can go out with her girlfriends. However, it doesn't seem to be making a difference. I love her. I just wish she would show more affection and touch to show she feels the same. It's frustrating.
Cancer is obviously serious, so I'd hate to speculate. Just work with her and see if you can get to the root of it. I must say, though, that the no hugging/affection thing and the above quote is not a good sign under normal conditions. A decrease in affection and an increase in hanging out with her girlfriends (outside of the norm) is just not a good sign. Husband and family is first, period. She has time enough to hang with her pals but no time to even give you a hug? I'm not discounting the cancer thing at all. However, sometimes a serious event like that can cause one to re-evaluate things in life. She may be re-evaluating things. Good luck, man.
I would end the marriage. Why be with someone who shows you no affection, I see no reason for the lack of affection, cancer is a horrible thing but that should be no reason to be that way to you.
The woman just beat a disease that kills a lot of women, and your advice is for him to end a 12-year marriage?
Really?
OP, when she tells you she's under a lot of stress, ask her what you can do to help her. Better yet, be proactive in finding things to do for her, especially in preparation for the upcoming surgery. Pack her away bag for her and make sure to include her favorite lotion or shampoo, fill the prescription and stock up on clear liquids and non-red/purple jello for the bowel prep (if there is one). Cook and freeze a few meals ahead of time so that after the procedure, you need only to heat them up and she doesn't have to worry about any of it. You could also ask her for a "honey do" list if you're pressed for ideas.
Also, I second what others are saying about support groups.
The woman just beat a disease that kills a lot of women, and your advice is for him to end a 12-year marriage?
Really?
OP, when she tells you she's under a lot of stress, ask her what you can do to help her. Better yet, be proactive in finding things to do for her, especially in preparation for the upcoming surgery. Pack her away bag for her and make sure to include her favorite lotion or shampoo, fill the prescription and stock up on clear liquids and non-red/purple jello for the bowel prep (if there is one). Cook and freeze a few meals ahead of time so that after the procedure, you need only to heat them up and she doesn't have to worry about any of it. You could also ask her for a "honey do" list if you're pressed for ideas.
Also, I second what others are saying about support groups.
Obviously you don't get my point of view but that's ok I didn't expect a lot of people here to see it anyway.
It is his choice weather to stay in that frustrating and unhappy marriage or not. That is on him.
I always initiate hand holding and kissing and hugging with no reciprocation. With kissing she gives me a little peck, not much else. I can understand the lack of sex. She had a double mastectomy and is going through reconstruction. The reconstruction is not comfortable and it affects her when we're having sex.
As far as her being supportive, I admit I have fallen short as a husband at times. At the end of the day, I have felt exhausted in dealing with her cancer and trying to keep our family happy/raise our kids. I'm sure while the cancer treatment/surgeries have taken a toll, my lack of presence at the end of the day when the kids are in bed and it's just the two of us haven't helped. Maybe if I spent less time laid out in the couch watching TV things would be different.
That said, I've been trying to do better. I'm helping her with her goal to start a blog. I send her romantic e-cards during the day. I try to spend more time with her at night and be more present. I watch the kids so she can go out with her girlfriends. However, it doesn't seem to be making a difference. I love her. I just wish she would show more affection and touch to show she feels the same. It's frustrating.
Not to to be nasty, but I'm sure she wished for more support during the situation, but that shipped has sailed.
I don't know, I don't know either of you or the realities of the situation. A double mastectomy is huge, physically and psychologically.
I think both of you would benefit from counseling alone and together. This is not something for a forum, for random people to weigh in on, this is your future.
Your family has been through a life-altering event. You just have to decide how much of your life you are willing to alter, and in which direction.
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Are you kidding me!!!! I can't even imagine what is going on in her head and you're asking her this??
I'm sorry this may be hard on u but it's way worse on her. She probably thinking how she could die and leave her children!!
How would u feel if your nuts cut off or somehow they cut off your penis? Would you fell like less of a man? Most likely yes. Now how would u feel if your wife cane to you and said "you're not giving me what I need"
Think out of the box will ya? I've worked with women how have lost their beasts and it's taken them a very long time to come to terms with it. They feel like less of a woman and that's not only in regards to how a man would see them. It's internally. On top of that she's fight for life.
Ugh!! Think out of the box.
Think in the box. Know what I'm sayin?
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