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Is it too much to ask or expect a man to share a woman with her children Is that fair?
Well, life is a balancing art. Every grown up needs to learn to share space with others. For example, we share our spouses with their families, their careers, love for a child and love for a spouse are completely different. Apples to oranges. NOT Sure fairness has anything to do with it. As long as you know how to balance the needs between a husband and your children, I don't see why there should be a problem.
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Originally Posted by Samara7915
if she is their only caregiver & has no family to help or give her time alone with him on a consistent basis? Is that fair? Do you think that such a man exists that is capable of feeling a fatherly bond with a child who is not his regardless of the age and be willing to care for & about him in a similar way?
This is why financial stability is important.
My sister in law's ex husband is completely out of the picture. When it comes to provide for his two children he is nowhere to be found. But his birthday, federal holidays, he would want to spend some quality time with his two sons.
My brother put my sil's two sons through private Catholic schools. He also set up trust funds for these two children. But my brother is a very financial savvy individual. So there is nothing to worry about this arrangement.
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Originally Posted by Samara7915
Perhaps a stranger question, how likely is a white guy able to accept a women with 2 mixed children & does that have any influence over his decision to be with her in a serious/lifelong relationship? .
My brother is mixed German/Irish/Japanese/Hawaiian, and my sister in law and her two children are as white as white can be. Well, my brother did some run way modeling on the side when he was a little bit younger. His wife is older and the age differences (although not big) has already shown.
100% of my sister in law's friends think she hit the jackpot by marrying my brother. I know i sound like i am bragging but it is what it is. My brother treats the two kids as well as he treats his own. and he has absolutely no resentment or complex because my brother is a very confident grounded individual who is not easily influenced by others. He can care less of what others say.
I am very very close to my brother because my two brothers have always been my idol and my hero. I remember there is one time I told my brother that I really think he could have done better. (That is way before they decided to get married) My brother told me "If you disrespect her, you disrespect me. I love you baby girl, but behave yourself." That is why I keep all my nasty private thoughts, doubts, comments to my very selfish little self. In front of my brother I still don't dare to criticize my sil and her two children. (I am not allowed)
If you marry a real confident man, mixed race kids shouldn't be a problem.
Well my sister is a new single mom. My two nephews are the most adorable kids (to me at least). She dated two white men but I think they just want a casual relationship. I don't think any of them have marriage in their minds. She also dated an Asian guy and he doesn't want to raise two mixed babies. He made it very clear about it already. I think he is nasty and he is also pretty ugly. So it is not like my sister really missed anything.
Good luck and take care!
Last edited by lilyflower3191981; 10-11-2014 at 12:08 PM..
I married a single mother. She didn't want me to develop a fatherly bond with her child. He already had a father, active in his life. Her early behavior taught me that her son would always be her first love. Her late behavior taught that the grandchildren came 2nd and 3rd.
I did teach her son calculus and encouraged him to go the University. He got a Ph.D about 6 months ago.
My wife and I have what i can only call a fabulously intimate and affectionate relationship. Her son and I are close friends. The grandkids and I will be.
I couldn't have asked for more.
Besides, I'm not sure I could have handled first through third place.
huh?
Please don't take this as an insult, I am not trying to be sarcastic either. You do sound like a saint and you are very rare.
I am not so sure her mindset is even healthy. She didn't want you to develop a fatherly bond with her child? Say what? I have a bio father and I also have a God father. Nobody can replace my bio dad's place in my heart. I am always a daddy's little girl but I love my God father and he and I definitely have father daughter bond. These two fatherly love are not in competition.
Basically every article I've ever read, says that in a TRUE and IDEAL marriage, the bondage between husband and wife is greater than any other. Of course, while children are growing up, they are time consuming, need attention, other things are put off, etc., but children grow up, get married, and have children of their own, while a spouse is there from marriage until death.
It has happened in real life. I have known two of my colleagues who found long lasting love in women with child/children. One is married a young mother with couple kids and the other married a single mother with a child. They love these kids to the point that they both adopted them as their own. These men are well educated and have have good paying jobs (engineers). Their marriage lives are as good as everyone else. They are still committed to each other to this day.
One of the aforementioned couples found each other on a dating website.
I can't say about a situation with mixed kids. But I am sure that there are men out there who will not mind the whole package if he finds you as the one.
Well I suppose you just described my fairytale I really do wish to find happiness & love with a man of substance without feeling like it can only be done at the expense of the life I have with my children. As a single mother, I am very lucky to have a very close bond with my children & I am proud of that, especially when I look at how many families function today. We are all far from perfect but how nice it is to hear that some men do exist who do not mind a bit of imperfection. Life with kids can at times be beautifully chaotic, downright hard & frustrating at times but there's a joy & incredible love that comes with all of that that is truly a unique blessing one can only see from the inside. I wish I knew where to meet these types of men. I have thought about online dating but it's kind of scary not knowing who you may bring into your lives. I appreciate the insight & hope
Ok, so, I'm just curious but I'm interested in hearing from single mothers and men who might have some experience with this. To begin, let me first say that I realize that there are some men who would never date a single mother for various reasons & I also know there are a lot of guys (mostly younger but not always) out there who just don't want to deal with kids or the "inconvenience"... but I am not talking about them. So here are my questions for you all...
Is it really possible for a guy to want to marry a mother who is busy raising young children?
Sure. I know quite a few, including my current husband. I have a few friends who had children (2-3) from their previous marriage that married not only childless men, but younger childless men. My friends' ages range from 32-35, and their husbands are 3-7 years younger.
I have kids from my first marriage, and my husband, childless at the time we met, was not at all bothered by that. His previous girlfriend also had children, but they're much older.
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Is it too much to ask or expect a man to share a woman with her children if she is their only caregiver & has no family to help or give her time alone with him on a consistent basis? Is that fair?
I would think the gentleman, knowing the situation, would realize the unique or challenging dynamics that can come with dating someone with children. That just comes with the territory. They may have different schedules or times when both are available, and this should be acknowledged and understood from the get-go. If it isn't doable then there's no sense in pursuing someone whose availability/schedule doesn't work for what the other is looking for.
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Do you think that such a man exists that is capable of feeling a fatherly bond with a child who is not his regardless of the age and be willing to care for & about him in a similar way?
Fatherly bond? It greatly depends on when the man entered the picture. Perhaps not a "fatherly bond" in the traditional sense, but then what is traditional? Because parental bonds are as unique as the individuals in the relationship. What is a "fatherly bond" to one individual will NOT be to another. My first husband was not super close to his father growing up, and still isn't. They have an okay relationship, but they're not super bonded or anything. And my father had an iffy relationship with his father. So, what, exactly, is a fatherly bond? Something like that is highly dependent on the individuals, background, how they were raised, and a lot of other factors.
I would nix the "fatherly" part and focus on simply cultivating a relationship, which will be unique to each individual. Sure, a stepparent relationship may and a lot of times are different than "blood" relationships, but not always. I like my stepmom. We're not super close, but she's cool most times. But then I wasn't raised by her, or my dad. I don't have that type of relationship with her. She did and does care for me, and she's offered plenty of support over the years.
I do not expect my husband to have the same bond with each of my children, because they're all different. I certainly don't expect him to bond to them in the same way he has and will with our/his daughter. It's a different dynamic when you actually care and nurture a child from birth (or a very young age), being exposed to so many different facets of their personality, growth, development, etc., from the very start, than when they're older. They're completely different experiences, and the experiences alone play a huge role in how relationships and bonds form. Those experiences provide information, context, understanding, etc.
Also, my own relationship is different with each of my kids. I definitely think there are men who are capable of caring for and bonding with a child that is not biologically theirs. My father has been raising my stepmom's great-nephews since they were 8 weeks old. They're almost 17. They call him dad. Damn straight he loves and cares for them.
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Perhaps a stranger question, how likely is a white guy able to accept a women with 2 mixed children & does that have any influence over his decision to be with her in a serious/lifelong relationship?
If said white guy is romantically interested in said woman, I don't see why her kids' ethnic background is relevant.
I'm mixed, and my children are also mixed, and my husband is white. (as is my first husband) My ethnicity never factored into the equation, at least not in the way that I was undateable.
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Would he feel awkward accepting them too equally? I know this is really dependent on the man himself but I am just starting to wonder if my situation in itself means that I should just expect that if I am to ever find "the one" it will be more likely to happen after my children have grown up?
If he doesn't have a preference for dating within his "race" then there may not be any issues. I never came across this when I was in the dating scene, and I pretty much exclusively dated white men.
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Lastly, is it fair to say that most men steer clear of women who have had a lot of trouble in her life, even if she remains kind & loving despite it all? Like I said all strange questions but I am interested in hearing helpful thoughts. Please keep all ignorant remarks to yourself. Thank you.
It depends on the kind of trouble, but a lot of people try to avoid taking on unnecessary "trouble," whatever that means to them. It just depends on the person and your history.
If said white guy is romantically interested in said woman, I don't see why her kids' ethnic background is relevant.
I'm mixed, and my children are also mixed, and my husband is white. (as is my first husband) My ethnicity never factored into the equation, at least not in the way that I was undateable.
If he doesn't have a preference for dating within his "race" then there may not be any issues. I never came across this when I was in the dating scene, and I pretty much exclusively dated white men.
It depends on the kind of trouble, but a lot of people try to avoid taking on unnecessary "trouble," whatever that means to them. It just depends on the person and your history.
great great GREAT post.
Also, I stopped exclusively dating white men when I got older. I love all men of all colors now. I am definitely more color blind now.
Your chances of finding a white guy who will accept bi-racial children are slim to none, especially if the kids' father is black. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I know white guys in my own social circles who have refused to date girls for that reason. I'm not saying it can't happen, but it will be harder.
Your chances of finding a white guy who will accept bi-racial children are slim to none, especially if the kids' father is black. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I know white guys in my own social circles who have refused to date girls for that reason. I'm not saying it can't happen, but it will be harder.
I would have to agree with you. I've known many white guys think this way. Many of them asked me if I have ever slept with a black man (I've never done that) They always say "It is okay if you did." I doubt it is really okay if I did.
Dear Samara7915,
If you’re single and don’t want to be . . . it doesn’t mean you’re destined to be alone or even that you must compromise in order to find love, but it does indicate you may have hidden inner barriers to love.
Love is something that is available to all of us at any age, color, sex, nationality ...!
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His wife is older and the age differences (although not big) has already shown. 
That is why I keep all my nasty private thoughts, doubts, comments to my very selfish little self. In front of my brother I still don't dare to criticize my sil and her two children. (I am not allowed)
