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I've known guys who bonded deeply with their gf's kids. Some married, others broke up but continued to be close to the kids.
Real-life men love kids -- it's biological, and it has nothing to do with whether the kids are genetically theirs. You only hear otherwise from young guys who have not had the experience yet.
So your telling me that men that don't want kids aren't real life men? The stupidity is strong with this one.
Ok, so, I'm just curious but I'm interested in hearing from single mothers and men who might have some experience with this. To begin, let me first say that I realize that there are some men who would never date a single mother for various reasons & I also know there are a lot of guys (mostly younger but not always) out there who just don't want to deal with kids or the "inconvenience"... but I am not talking about them. So here are my questions for you all...
Is it really possible for a guy to want to marry a mother who is busy raising young children? Is it too much to ask or expect a man to share a woman with her children if she is their only caregiver & has no family to help or give her time alone with him on a consistent basis? Is that fair? Do you think that such a man exists that is capable of feeling a fatherly bond with a child who is not his regardless of the age and be willing to care for & about him in a similar way? Perhaps a stranger question, how likely is a white guy able to accept a women with 2 mixed children & does that have any influence over his decision to be with her in a serious/lifelong relationship? Would he feel awkward accepting them too equally? I know this is really dependent on the man himself but I am just starting to wonder if my situation in itself means that I should just expect that if I am to ever find "the one" it will be more likely to happen after my children have grown up? Lastly, is it fair to say that most men steer clear of women who have had a lot of trouble in her life, even if she remains kind & loving despite it all? Like I said all strange questions but I am interested in hearing helpful thoughts. Please keep all ignorant remarks to yourself. Thank you.
I think you would have gotten a lot of different responses if you had of just said you were looking for a MAN, not a WHITE MAN.
I find that incredibly hypocritical of you that you have 2 children that are bi-racial, yet are only looking for that magical "white man" to sweep you away.
I truly understand and whole-heartedly agree that with racism still alive & well in our society and it is becoming much clearer to me that a man's level of confidence is a major key factor when mixed race children are involved. I don't think I ever realized the amount of ignorance that my mate too would face. It's pretty disturbing how people generalize & judge one another. Not only for obvious reasons (like the fact that my children are mixed) but just in general, I never would want to be with a man who is so small minded from the get-go. I see troubles in every community (white, black, hispanic, asian)- not one group or person for that matter can claim perfection and you're right, anyone with that frame of mind would not be someone I'd find to be suitable for me anyway. In fact, they are the ones I'm trying to steer clear of.
Again though, YOU are the racist one for seeking a white man to have your next relationship with. Why can't you see that? It has nothing at all to do with a white man's level of confidence in regards to accepting your mixed race children. In fact, it'd be much more natural for your children to see you with a non-white man. They would bond better with a boyfriend that shares their background.
I would think the gentleman, knowing the situation, would realize the unique or challenging dynamics that can come with dating someone with children. That just comes with the territory. They may have different schedules or times when both are available, and this should be acknowledged and understood from the get-go. If it isn't doable then there's no sense in pursuing someone whose availability/schedule doesn't work for what the other is looking for.
This is something I have thought about and it's good advice. You're right. There's only so much give in the day-to-day schedules that I think you are very right in saying that the lining up of available time is absolutely important. I would hope that no one would consider entering a serious relationship with a single mom without giving some consideration to the dynamics you describe.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
Perhaps not a "fatherly bond" in the traditional sense, but then what is traditional? Because parental bonds are as unique as the individuals in the relationship. What is a "fatherly bond" to one individual will NOT be to another....
Yes, this is true too. My hope when I say "fatherly-bond" is that my significant other would be open & receptive to forming a a deeper relationship with my kids so that, we together, can be the family we will be. Rather than sitting on the sidelines waiting for Mom, he would be also making his own efforts to get to know the kids & take an interest in their lives, that's all I mean. Some believe, I think, this all should fall instantaneously into place without trying. I know the relationship I have with my step-father took a long time to form (but I was an adult by the time he married into my family), however, I now have a closer relationship to my step-dad than my bio dad who raised me & lived with me throughout my entire childhood. It really is about the person and the man. You are right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
If said white guy is romantically interested in said woman, I don't see why her kids' ethnic background is relevant.
I'm mixed, and my children are also mixed, and my husband is white. (as is my first husband) My ethnicity never factored into the equation, at least not in the way that I was undateable.
Aside from people who struggle with racism (who I'd never want to be with anyway), I really never thought it would play such a gigantic part in dating men back in my own race. To me, there are no major differences when it comes to children. A child is a child, and, just as adults, its all about how they've been raised and whether or not they are good, responsible & likable people. It seems to be that some white men have more of an issue with the fact that a white women would ever sleep a man outside of her own race. Absurd.
This is something I have thought about and it's good advice. You're right. There's only so much give in the day-to-day schedules that I think you are very right in saying that the lining up of available time is absolutely important. I would hope that no one would consider entering a serious relationship with a single mom without giving some consideration to the dynamics you describe.
Yes, this is true too. My hope when I say "fatherly-bond" is that my significant other would be open & receptive to forming a a deeper relationship with my kids so that, we together, can be the family we will be. Rather than sitting on the sidelines waiting for Mom, he would be also making his own efforts to get to know the kids & take an interest in their lives, that's all I mean. Some believe, I think, this all should fall instantaneously into place without trying. I know the relationship I have with my step-father took a long time to form (but I was an adult by the time he married into my family), however, I now have a closer relationship to my step-dad than my bio dad who raised me & lived with me throughout my entire childhood. It really is about the person and the man. You are right.
Aside from people who struggle with racism (who I'd never want to be with anyway), I really never thought it would play such a gigantic part in dating men back in my own race. To me, there are no major differences when it comes to children. A child is a child, and, just as adults, its all about how they've been raised and whether or not they are good, responsible & likable people. It seems to be that some white men have more of an issue with the fact that a white women would ever sleep a man outside of her own race. Absurd.
You probably underestimate the amount of racism in our country. But like you said, you wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyways, so what's the problem?
There's tons of people who won't date, and tons who will. Pick and choose.
Seems odd you'd specifically look for a white man now, however. Kind of hypocritical. Its like: "I am only looking for a white man, but I want him to be ok with my half black children." That just screams irony to me.
I think you would have gotten a lot of different responses if you had of just said you were looking for a MAN, not a WHITE MAN.
I find that incredibly hypocritical of you that you have 2 children that are bi-racial, yet are only looking for that magical "white man" to sweep you away.
Shameful. Great lesson to teach those kids.
First of all I do not believe white men are "magical". That's stupid & ridiculous. Nor did I think I had to write a novel to prevent people from taking a simple question and turning it into their nightly entertainment session. People really ought to have more to do with their lives. Two things I did mention in my original post were to keep all ignorant remarks to yourself and that I am seeking helpful answers from "SINGLE MOTHERS" or "MEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCE".
Let me clarify... I am not solely seeking a white man, as a matter of fact, as my post says I'm not on a hunt for any man at the moment. I asked a question in simple curiosity. I am not racist as so many here obviously are and I do not only find white men or only black men or only hispanic men, etc attractive. I am an attractive & intelligent women and I have never lacked the attention nor affections of men (from all races including white) nor have I been restricted to low-lifes or men who lack good morals, education or careers (which is what I meant when I said "a man of substance"). I, on the other hand, am picky and believe that is my right to be so whether I have children or not & the fact that I do have kids makes it even more important that I am selective. I surely would not want my boys to grow up to be like some of the men in this chat room. I am single by choice, and, in part because I've always wondered how fair it would be for me to allow a relationship to develop between myself and a man if so much of my life involves my young ones. It's really not that complicated or difficult to understand.
Ok, so, I'm just curious but I'm interested in hearing from single mothers and men who might have some experience with this. To begin, let me first say that I realize that there are some men who would never date a single mother for various reasons & I also know there are a lot of guys (mostly younger but not always) out there who just don't want to deal with kids or the "inconvenience"... but I am not talking about them. So here are my questions for you all...
Is it really possible for a guy to want to marry a mother who is busy raising young children? Is it too much to ask or expect a man to share a woman with her children if she is their only caregiver & has no family to help or give her time alone with him on a consistent basis? Is that fair? Do you think that such a man exists that is capable of feeling a fatherly bond with a child who is not his regardless of the age and be willing to care for & about him in a similar way? Perhaps a stranger question, how likely is a white guy able to accept a women with 2 mixed children & does that have any influence over his decision to be with her in a serious/lifelong relationship? Would he feel awkward accepting them too equally? I know this is really dependent on the man himself but I am just starting to wonder if my situation in itself means that I should just expect that if I am to ever find "the one" it will be more likely to happen after my children have grown up? Lastly, is it fair to say that most men steer clear of women who have had a lot of trouble in her life, even if she remains kind & loving despite it all? Like I said all strange questions but I am interested in hearing helpful thoughts. Please keep all ignorant remarks to yourself. Thank you.
Kind of jumping in here. While my dating has certainly slowed down over the last decade, the vast majority of the women I have dated have been single mothers or at least divorced. If you want to date after age 35, depending on where you live you will have little practical choice if you want to date (yeah Timber I know you live in a fantastic area for high achieving nm single prog females ).
For myself I see no point in pursuing anything with a lady if she can't meet at least biweekly or so. Other men it may be once a week or a couple times a week. Stating the rather obvious to have a relationship you must expend your time and effort on it. Even my laid back approach I have concluded that it was time to call it quits because the lady pretty much prioritized things into non-existence.
If you have had a lot of current adversity in your life that you are failing to master or otherwise have a lot of baggage that is not going to be particularly appealing. My life is on an even keel. I help solve problems for my clients. When I get home I want to kick off my shoes and chill out or do something fun. There may be others that revel in chaotic environments.
Yes, your probability of finding "the one" will increase once your children have grown up and left your home. Some men choose not to date single mothers; once your kiddies fly the coop that cohort of males get back into your potential dating pool. Some ladies insist on men having or having had children of their own. Some ladies will not date me because I have never married and that is their prerogative.
You may not have any appreciable influence in whether or not any new SO will be able to bond with your progeny. Depending on their age, maturity, and their love of their biological father your children may not accept the new SO as their father (I have written about how this played out in my sister's situation before).
How old are you? What is your education level? Do you have any good job skills?
And what race are you? You worried about possible racism in your thread asking about Boston. But aren't you being racist yourself for now hoping for a white man to be in a relationship with? Why wouldn't you consider dating non-white men anymore?
What is your definition of "a man of substance"? Is that another term for a man who is a homeowner and with a good income? And back to your first post, are you thinking that "a man of substance" can only be white?
I'd say that your biggest hurdle would not be your two bi-racial children, but more that you are currently so impoverished. So for your fairy tale ending... marriage to "a man of substance", you are seeking a man who would be willing to support both you and your two children in comfort.... and you will have a LOT of competition from other women, women who have no children at all and who are also not financially strapped.
BTW where are the fathers of your two children? Are they even listed on your children's birth certificates?
You obviously have issues and bring very little to this thread which is why, for the most part I have ignored your responses. I would not consider myself impoverished by any means and think you need to rethink jumping to conclusions about people you don't know. I don't feel the need to outline my entire life on a thread that I asked fairly specific questions to a fairly specific group of people. I have never said that I am looking for a man, in fact I said I was not on a hunt for a man. I do like to hear from other people who have personal experience with this not just some bored people who like to put their 2 cents in to be heard. I also never said I would never consider dating "non-white" men anymore and I believe "men of substance" can come in every color. I never touched on this as this information was not a part of my original question. I, myself am a homeowner and I work for myself. I do just fine in comparison to many other Americans and my kids are well-cared for. Anyone who actually has children and is not relying on credit cards to pull them through life would know & understand that until they are through college you will always be somewhat strapped financially. I believe in paying for the majority of my children's education without a great deal of help from outside sources or from having my kids work more than a very part-time job while attending school as I believe their studies should be a full-time job. I see it as my responsibility as their parent to provide for them and this, in my mind, includes paying for their education. You can agree with that or not but I really don't care about your opinion on that either. I also do not put myself on some kind of scale with other women. I am not in competition for men. I honestly do not care about women younger than I, women without kids, nor women with bigger bank accounts than mine. They are of no concern to me nor would they have much of an impact on who I would end up in a relationship with because to me it seems pretty obvious that the men seeking those women will be doing just that and why would I seek a man who is not accepting of me & my own life. I'm not as pathetic as you apparently would like to believe. One of my children's father id dead and things simply did not work out with the other and yes both are on the birth certificates. Points for your maturity.
You seem to mention others maturity while ignoring your immaturity.
The dead baby daddy, did he have life insurance? did you insist on it? sounds immature not to have.
How about the living baby daddy, why no financial support? if he can't afford it why would you have sex with him? that's very immature.
Not accepting mixed race is neither racist or immature. It is accepting the reality of our times. Most blacks and whites I know don't accept it. You could always finds a desperate person that would accept anything.
If you don't believe me go OLD, mention your children and the baby daddy situation and see what kind of people reply to you. It will be other baby daddies,losers, and liars.
Ok, so, I'm just curious but I'm interested in hearing from single mothers and men who might have some experience with this. To begin, let me first say that I realize that there are some men who would never date a single mother for various reasons & I also know there are a lot of guys (mostly younger but not always) out there who just don't want to deal with kids or the "inconvenience"... but I am not talking about them. So here are my questions for you all...
Is it really possible for a guy to want to marry a mother who is busy raising young children? Is it too much to ask or expect a man to share a woman with her children if she is their only caregiver & has no family to help or give her time alone with him on a consistent basis? Is that fair? Do you think that such a man exists that is capable of feeling a fatherly bond with a child who is not his regardless of the age and be willing to care for & about him in a similar way? Perhaps a stranger question, how likely is a white guy able to accept a women with 2 mixed children & does that have any influence over his decision to be with her in a serious/lifelong relationship? Would he feel awkward accepting them too equally? I know this is really dependent on the man himself but I am just starting to wonder if my situation in itself means that I should just expect that if I am to ever find "the one" it will be more likely to happen after my children have grown up? Lastly, is it fair to say that most men steer clear of women who have had a lot of trouble in her life, even if she remains kind & loving despite it all? Like I said all strange questions but I am interested in hearing helpful thoughts. Please keep all ignorant remarks to yourself. Thank you.
It really depends? But again I do know of such stories where single moms found love again. I know of 1 woman who is a Latina of 2 kids from 2 different Latino men and she is in a relationship with a black guy. I also know of a guy who is white and married an Afro Latina who was a single mom of 2 kids, but that relationship ended in divorce recently. I also saw a white guy pushing a stroller of a toddler with his black girlfriend, the child does not have any white features at all and I assume this child is not his or from a previous relationship from the black woman. I also know of a black woman who is a single mom and has a white hipster husband. From my observation I see plenty of single moms that have no shortage of men who want to be with them. But then again I live in NY which pioneered single motherhood which is all too common here. It does not matter if she is wealthy, or on welfare or middle class, it does not matter if she is black, white or bi racial Latina, hell I even see single moms with more than 2 or 3 kids with new boyfriends again. Single moms have no shortage of men who wants to be with them. Also we are slowly moving into a racially accepted country these days, some men may not look down on his girlfriend for having mix kids. Me on the other hand I want my own family, but I'm open to dating a woman with at least 1 kid but wants more regardless of what race she is. But then again I do come across women who make a big emphasis on race and dating except for Latinas. Hopefully when the U.S economy fully improves the only real color people will care about is green instead those who are black, white brown or yellow.
Last edited by Bronxguyanese; 10-13-2014 at 02:46 AM..
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