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Be realistic and admit that the fact that you're making more money is a huge factor.
I mean look at your title " Husband makes 100K in union, I make 300k in business. I want to leave NYC and he doesn't."
You even included the money in your title, and pointed out that you make more than him in abundance.
You're clearly putting yourself on a pedestal due to it. You are humblebragging about it the whole time.
My suggestion for you - identify and work on your issues first, then talk about your husband about your mutual issues.
He makes good money, too, you realize that right? I'm bringing it up bc it has ALWAYS been the biggest factor in relocating..WHERE the money is..and I'm simply trying to point out that financially nothing is keeping us here and asking if it's unreasonable to actually want your spouse to keep their promise and compromise when you're in a financial position to do so. I just don't want to hear anything about me not making enough or him being the breadwinner..WE have enough money together.> I'm trying to take his job/passion into consideration and come to a compromise. You taking it any other way is a deflection of your own insecurities.
Men bring this up ALL the time in relocation convos/debates. I guess I'm the woman with an ego for laying out our situation on the table. You can't seem to let go of that.
You haven't mentioned the million times in this thread where I've said I see our money as OURS altogether and mine as his and vice versa. So, sorry, but I'm done arguing about this point.
SORRY--yes, I am making 300K now and did make a point of it bc money is a HUGE factor in relocating. I'm showing we have the MEANS and asking for a compromise bc staying here for his job isn't a MUST due to finances.
I told him that. He disagrees and says I'm the best thing that happened to him. But I've told him if what he's saying is true then we wouldn't be at this standpoint and maybe he needs someone who'd be willing to conform to his culture and mom to make him happier.
I would tell him it's time for him to pay the piper on this one. He knew how you felt and that you wanted to eventually move years ago. Sounds like he was hoping having the kids would anchor you there and that you would somehow have NYC grow on you. It sounds to me like he's being selfish and doesn't want to leave his hometown. You make way more money. He can find another job. Sounds like he doesn't want to sacrifice anything and you have sacrificed a lot. I would stand firm on this one.
It took you until post 56 to mention "couples counseling" which was my first thought. If you were working on this as a team, you'd have presented the situation as "We have a household income of $400K, so could move if we wanted to."
My prediction is the counselor will lead you both to figure out how to rewrite the (unwritten) contract between your household and his parentS. You're not supposed to fight with his mom, and that's not a winning battle for you anyway. He has to come to realize where he needs to establish, and then remind her of boundaries, as often as needed. Maybe til the end of time. So it goes.
You're in business. Marriage is another negotiation, including with the extended family. No understandings come automatically. I've been married 33 years but feel like I've been under five different contracts between my spouse and me. Sometimes we have had to release each other from earlier "promises made" because life came along and changed the context for both of us. Starting from afresh, we can make different pledges to each other. You keep returning to how he first promised you to move to Californnia and now he won't, but as you said, some other things happened inbetween. So don't be so angry that he's not "keeping his original promise." Maybe you, too, have let him down on a few things you said before you agreed to marry him?
What your MIL did/said to you at your childbirth is major disgusting and ignorant. I'm so sorry you were insulted at such a vulnerable moment! You'd just have to forgive something that way-out, to move forward. On the other hand -- am I correct to surmise she provided you both years of free childcare (since you "don't like" daycare). That you glossed right over that tells me she might also have a few words to you about what she thinks you should do differently towards her, like express some appreciation. Think carefully if you'd have been that successful in business without her intergenerational presence, providing parts of meals or significant childcare...I'm guessing that was part of her traditional Latin American mama thing. But it's just a guess. And maybe you've already thanked her aplenty. She does sound like a really tough MIL I would't like to have, or be.
He's an idiot to deny you a housekeeper, and trust me.. the counselor will tell him that quickly.
If you split up your marriage over this, have you figured out what you'll tell your children as the reason they don't live anymore with their Dad?
What strikes me as very real is how much you miss your parents and sibling. Those are feelings that can be worked on, with arrangements for more visiting bi-coastal within your own family. With your powerful household income, you are in a position to treat any of them to some time in NYC as visitors/tourists every year. It might help.
His family is foolish to fight you both on living 30 minutes away, but to stand up for that idea he'll need a process that counseling can provide to give him the backbone.
Please learn not to speak so disparagingly about "housewives." Fulltime stay-at-home moms work harder than anybody, with no downtime during the commute. You went there twice in these posts, and it just positions you as someone who measures everyone by their salary alone.
You grew up with divorced parents. OK. If you want something different for your kids, it's going to take a lot of work at this juncture. Counseing is essential and you're both smart to go for it. I hope you both work really hard for a year on it, before doing anything. You correctly realize you have a lot of positives going for you -- loving spouse (who disagrees about geography and mom boundaires, but otherwise hardworking and decent!), 2 healthy kids, an intact family among you four..it's a lot of good to try to preserve. It sounds to me like it's worth fighting FOR, and hard, but with counseling support so you get more fairness in your next chapter. Good luck!!!
PS, I have a gut feeling that NYC isn't the culprit, and if you could work out some better distance with the inlaws, you'd have some breathing room to enjoy this city a little bit. Maybe you guys need fewer 4-hour family extended dinners, and more chance to date NYC-style. It's not THAT bad a city but you feel so badly about your family situation, it's coloring everything.
Last edited by BrightRabbit; 08-23-2015 at 04:15 PM..
I'm sorry if I missed it but was your husband born and raised in NYC? If he was I can see why he would be reluctant to leave his family/friends. Hell I live in the Bronx and don't interact that much with my family in Brooklyn but if I was real close I'd die before going from one coast to another.
You might have always had plans to go back to the west coast but actions speak louder than words. After 7-8 years + 2 kids is it really hard to believe that people wouldn't take you seriously about moving back?
I'm sorry if I missed it but was your husband born and raised in NYC? If he was I can see why he would be reluctant to leave his family/friends. Hell I live in the Bronx and don't interact that much with my family in Brooklyn but if I was real close I'd die before going from one coast to another.
You might have always had plans to go back to the west coast but actions speak louder than words. After 7-8 years + 2 kids is it really hard to believe that people wouldn't take you seriously about moving back?
No..He came here as a 5 year old from South America..Just as I lived in California from that age until 21..so we're pretty much "even" on that. He has lived in Canada for 2 years with another gf.
I guess I'm supposed to just suck it up when men act like big babies and refuse to compromise. There is absoultely NOTHING here that we wouldn't have in California..if not MORE of.
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