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My girlfriend (of 2 years) wants to have a child with me. I haven´t wanted to have children ever since I was a child myself. When I figured out what I wanted to do in life (I´m a documentary filmmaker) at the age of 15, and when I did my research and studying on what being a documentary Writer-Producer-Director entailed, I came to the conclusion that having a family was not for me. I am now thirty years old and I still don´t want to have kids.
This is not to say you can´t have a family if you are in the business of making documentaries. I have a lot of filmmaker friends who have families. Despite the fact working on a documentary can be hell (18 hour a day shoots in a foreign land, the pay is generally poor and that most likely, only a handful of people will see the project you spent 2 years pouring your heart out over) they are still wonderful parents.
I don´t think I can be so flexible – I´m an obsessive. When I´m working on a project, nothing else matters. I am entirely consumed by the film 24/7. If you are a family member, a friend or a lover, not seeing me for 5 months is the norm when I´m shooting or editing. With that in mind, how on earth could I be a father? I would be terrible at it.
Because of my filmmaking obsession, my relationships with women have been brief catastrophes (I´m honest with them from the beginning – I let women know my career has always been my priority). In fact, my relationship with my current girlfriend is the longest time I have been with a woman.
Filmmaking is an extremely risky business from a financial perspective; my father actually didn´t speak to me for more than a year because I chose film school instead of law or business school. It´s not like you can rely on a steady cheque at the end of the month. It is very difficult to make ends meet. In the last decade, I couldn´t make a living off documentaries alone. I have been supplementing my income with shooting wedding videos (which I hate – but they pay well at least), commercials and corporate videos.
However, 2015 was my breakthrough year. I have been in the D-League for the entirety of my career. 2015 allowed me to go into the NBA. It allowed me to move a big step up. My latest film was very well received critically and commercially. It has been absolutely wonderful as I am now getting the kind of offers and potential projects I always dreamed of. Projects I couldn´t do in the past because of $$$. I feel like this is phase 2 of my career and I sure as hell don´t want to take my foot off the pedal now. But my girlfriend (who God knows how, has tolerated me for this long) wants to have kids. And honestly, I am torn, because I have never felt this way about any other woman. But I also know my insatiable ambition and hunger to make films would not be able to co-exist with fatherhood.
I´m resigned to losing my girlfriend. We have grown further apart since we disagreed. We argue much more. But I simply will not bend. Filmmaking is my priority. Having a family isn´t. I was honest with her when we first started dating. She said she was career-oriented too and she understood. Now she is calling me selfish. Does this make me selfish?
My girlfriend (of 2 years) wants to have a child with me. I haven´t wanted to have children ever since I was a child myself. When I figured out what I wanted to do in life (I´m a documentary filmmaker) at the age of 15, and when I did my research and studying on what being a documentary Writer-Producer-Director entailed, I came to the conclusion that having a family was not for me. I am now thirty years old and I still don´t want to have kids.
This is not to say you can´t have a family if you are in the business of making documentaries. I have a lot of filmmaker friends who have families. Despite the fact working on a documentary can be hell (18 hour a day shoots in a foreign land, the pay is generally poor and that most likely, only a handful of people will see the project you spent 2 years pouring your heart out over) they are still wonderful parents.
I don´t think I can be so flexible – I´m an obsessive. When I´m working on a project, nothing else matters. I am entirely consumed by the film 24/7. If you are a family member, a friend or a lover, not seeing me for 5 months is the norm when I´m shooting or editing. With that in mind, how on earth could I be a father? I would be terrible at it.
Because of my filmmaking obsession, my relationships with women have been brief catastrophes (I´m honest with them from the beginning – I let women know my career has always been my priority). In fact, my relationship with my current girlfriend is the longest time I have been with a woman.
Filmmaking is an extremely risky business from a financial perspective; my father actually didn´t speak to me for more than a year because I chose film school instead of law or business school. It´s not like you can rely on a steady cheque at the end of the month. It is very difficult to make ends meet. In the last decade, I couldn´t make a living off documentaries alone. I have been supplementing my income with shooting wedding videos (which I hate – but they pay well at least), commercials and corporate videos.
However, 2015 was my breakthrough year. I have been in the D-League for the entirety of my career. 2015 allowed me to go into the NBA. It allowed me to move a big step up. My latest film was very well received critically and commercially. It has been absolutely wonderful as I am now getting the kind of offers and potential projects I always dreamed of. Projects I couldn´t do in the past because of $$$. I feel like this is phase 2 of my career and I sure as hell don´t want to take my foot off the pedal now. But my girlfriend (who God knows how, has tolerated me for this long) wants to have kids. And honestly, I am torn, because I have never felt this way about any other woman. But I also know my insatiable ambition and hunger to make films would not be able to co-exist with fatherhood.
I´m resigned to losing my girlfriend. We have grown further apart since we disagreed. We argue much more. But I simply will not bend. Filmmaking is my priority. Having a family isn´t. I was honest with her when we first started dating. She said she was career-oriented too and she understood. Now she is calling me selfish. Does this make me selfish?
You are firm on your choice, And if there is no desire and you are not making a significant income to take care of children it would not be a good choice and would lead to conflict between you and here and then the child is impacted. I have always believed it's best for a child to have both parents if possible be together and get along. Many times this is not the case for various reasons. You sound like you are letting go of your girlfriend as well. It's tough choices overall, And I hope everyone involved finds happiness which can often be hard to obtain in this world. best of luck, Man.
I feel for you. You are not being selfish, you are just being honest with your desire to not have children. I have zero desire to ever have children myself.
She wants kids, you don't. It doesn't make you selfish, it makes you incompatible.
Exactly. Congratulations on knowing what you want and sticking to it, OP. Children should only be brought into the world if they will be loved and cared for by at least two parents. Ideally, each child should be loved and cared for by many more people also: grandparents, extended family, neighbors, friends, etc. Unfortunately, that is not often possible, but every child deserves the love of two parents at least. You will find someone who shares your life goals, as will she. Good luck to you.
It's selfish to be in a relationship with a woman who wants children when you would have known before your first date that you are never having children. Why has this gone on for two years?
It's selfish to be in a relationship with a woman who wants children when you would have known before your first date that you are never having children. Why has this gone on for two years?
And why has it never occurred to you to have a vasectomy? It would seem to be your number one responsibility.
It is a personal choice. You should definitely not have children unless you are 100 percent ready for it. Unfortunately it means you are incompatible.
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