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It's selfish to be in a relationship with a woman who wants children when you would have known before your first date that you are never having children. Why has this gone on for two years?
According to the OP, he was upfront with her and in the beginning she was career-oriented as well. Seems to me that she changed her mind. Nothing wrong with that but it is also not the fault of the OP either.
My girlfriend (of 2 years) wants to have a child with me. I haven´t wanted to have children ever since I was a child myself. When I figured out what I wanted to do in life (I´m a documentary filmmaker) at the age of 15, and when I did my research and studying on what being a documentary Writer-Producer-Director entailed, I came to the conclusion that having a family was not for me. I am now thirty years old and I still don´t want to have kids.
This is not to say you can´t have a family if you are in the business of making documentaries. I have a lot of filmmaker friends who have families. Despite the fact working on a documentary can be hell (18 hour a day shoots in a foreign land, the pay is generally poor and that most likely, only a handful of people will see the project you spent 2 years pouring your heart out over) they are still wonderful parents.
I don´t think I can be so flexible – I´m an obsessive. When I´m working on a project, nothing else matters. I am entirely consumed by the film 24/7. If you are a family member, a friend or a lover, not seeing me for 5 months is the norm when I´m shooting or editing. With that in mind, how on earth could I be a father? I would be terrible at it.
Because of my filmmaking obsession, my relationships with women have been brief catastrophes (I´m honest with them from the beginning – I let women know my career has always been my priority). In fact, my relationship with my current girlfriend is the longest time I have been with a woman.
Filmmaking is an extremely risky business from a financial perspective; my father actually didn´t speak to me for more than a year because I chose film school instead of law or business school. It´s not like you can rely on a steady cheque at the end of the month. It is very difficult to make ends meet. In the last decade, I couldn´t make a living off documentaries alone. I have been supplementing my income with shooting wedding videos (which I hate – but they pay well at least), commercials and corporate videos.
However, 2015 was my breakthrough year. I have been in the D-League for the entirety of my career. 2015 allowed me to go into the NBA. It allowed me to move a big step up. My latest film was very well received critically and commercially. It has been absolutely wonderful as I am now getting the kind of offers and potential projects I always dreamed of. Projects I couldn´t do in the past because of $$$. I feel like this is phase 2 of my career and I sure as hell don´t want to take my foot off the pedal now. But my girlfriend (who God knows how, has tolerated me for this long) wants to have kids. And honestly, I am torn, because I have never felt this way about any other woman. But I also know my insatiable ambition and hunger to make films would not be able to co-exist with fatherhood.
I´m resigned to losing my girlfriend. We have grown further apart since we disagreed. We argue much more. But I simply will not bend. Filmmaking is my priority. Having a family isn´t. I was honest with her when we first started dating. She said she was career-oriented too and she understood. Now she is calling me selfish. Does this make me selfish?
It's probably more selfish to bring into this world a human that was not able to consent to being born. So, to me, not wanting kids is very unselfish.
I haven't read the replies so I apologize if all this has already been said.
Number one: what ISN'T selfish as regards a children-or-no-children decision? I had children so I could have someone to love, someone to teach and to fulfill my dream of a family. I, I, I. Yes, TAKING CARE OF them is nearly always selfless. But the decision to have them? Selfish. I think almost nobody could possibly say otherwise. I mean what selfless reason are people picking to have children? To save the human race? Viewing population stats, I think we have that covered.
Number two: someone who isn't absolutely, positively, one thousand percent on-board with and gung-ho to have children should not have them. Period. Ever. EVER. That's how child abuse and neglect, child stress-related divorce and sad childhoods happen. If you aren't absolutely dying to have children DON'T DO IT.
Don't feel guilty. There is no "right" or "wrong" here. There just isn't and anyone who tells you otherwise is simply bothered that you aren't following the usual program.
Well, I guess it is selfish but that doesn't mean that it's wrong. What I mean is that I suppose by the true definition of selfish - putting yourself and your career before everything else is selfish. But if that's what makes you the happiest - then that is what you should do. Being selfish isn't always a bad thing. If you had children and you continued to put yourself and career ahead of them - that would be being selfish in a bad way because your children would the victims of your selfishness. But if you don't have anyone affected by your selfishness, then is it really a bad thing? I don't think so. I mean - this is assuming you break up with your girlfriend.
I´m resigned to losing my girlfriend. We have grown further apart since we disagreed. We argue much more. But I simply will not bend. Filmmaking is my priority. Having a family isn´t. I was honest with her when we first started dating. She said she was career-oriented too and she understood. Now she is calling me selfish. Does this make me selfish?
She's calling you selfish because she angry and disappointed, I wouldn't take it so personally, if you did indeed make it clear that your career was a priority over a family and specifically not wanting children then its on her, as crappy sounding as it sounds, she went in knowing she wasn't going to get 2.5 kids and white picket fence.
My girlfriend (of 2 years) wants to have a child with me. I haven´t wanted to have children ever since I was a child myself. When I figured out what I wanted to do in life (I´m a documentary filmmaker) at the age of 15, and when I did my research and studying on what being a documentary Writer-Producer-Director entailed, I came to the conclusion that having a family was not for me. I am now thirty years old and I still don´t want to have kids.
This is not to say you can´t have a family if you are in the business of making documentaries. I have a lot of filmmaker friends who have families. Despite the fact working on a documentary can be hell (18 hour a day shoots in a foreign land, the pay is generally poor and that most likely, only a handful of people will see the project you spent 2 years pouring your heart out over) they are still wonderful parents.
I don´t think I can be so flexible – I´m an obsessive. When I´m working on a project, nothing else matters. I am entirely consumed by the film 24/7. If you are a family member, a friend or a lover, not seeing me for 5 months is the norm when I´m shooting or editing. With that in mind, how on earth could I be a father? I would be terrible at it.
Because of my filmmaking obsession, my relationships with women have been brief catastrophes (I´m honest with them from the beginning – I let women know my career has always been my priority). In fact, my relationship with my current girlfriend is the longest time I have been with a woman.
Filmmaking is an extremely risky business from a financial perspective; my father actually didn´t speak to me for more than a year because I chose film school instead of law or business school. It´s not like you can rely on a steady cheque at the end of the month. It is very difficult to make ends meet. In the last decade, I couldn´t make a living off documentaries alone. I have been supplementing my income with shooting wedding videos (which I hate – but they pay well at least), commercials and corporate videos.
However, 2015 was my breakthrough year. I have been in the D-League for the entirety of my career. 2015 allowed me to go into the NBA. It allowed me to move a big step up. My latest film was very well received critically and commercially. It has been absolutely wonderful as I am now getting the kind of offers and potential projects I always dreamed of. Projects I couldn´t do in the past because of $$$. I feel like this is phase 2 of my career and I sure as hell don´t want to take my foot off the pedal now. But my girlfriend (who God knows how, has tolerated me for this long) wants to have kids. And honestly, I am torn, because I have never felt this way about any other woman. But I also know my insatiable ambition and hunger to make films would not be able to co-exist with fatherhood.
I´m resigned to losing my girlfriend. We have grown further apart since we disagreed. We argue much more. But I simply will not bend. Filmmaking is my priority. Having a family isn´t. I was honest with her when we first started dating. She said she was career-oriented too and she understood. Now she is calling me selfish. Does this make me selfish?
There are lots of us out here who have elected to not have kids. Personally, I think I'm missing the father gene as I've never had the urge to procreate. I'm fortunate in that my wife doesn't, either. We each have our reasons, some we share, others our own.
While I have labeled some of my reasons as 'selfish', that's really just a term I use to mean that I went for myself in life rather than for children. Mostly I just don't like kids. We didn't make our final decision until we hit middle thirties. If at that point if my wife had seriously wanted kids I'd have gone along with it.
You 2 must decide what you're going to do as it could become a point of contention later. Best wishes working this out.
No, you are not selfish for not wanting children. I agree with what the others said, do what you have to do to make sure you don't get whoopsed. If she wants a family and you don't, perhaps it's best to part ways.
I don't believe in change of hearts when it comes to things like that. It's possible she had that on the back of her mind for a while and was hoping that you would change your mind. Think back to see if there were ever any signs of that.
Actually, change of heart(s) regarding kids DOES happen.
So many couples have split up cause one person ended up wanting kids when they both had agreed to having none.
If strangers on the internet told you to procreate, would you?
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