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I haven't read the replies so I apologize if all this has already been said.
Number one: what ISN'T selfish as regards a children-or-no-children decision? I had children so I could have someone to love, someone to teach and to fulfill my dream of a family. I, I, I. Yes, TAKING CARE OF them is nearly always selfless. But the decision to have them? Selfish. I think almost nobody could possibly say otherwise. I mean what selfless reason are people picking to have children? To save the human race? Viewing population stats, I think we have that covered.
Number two: someone who isn't absolutely, positively, one thousand percent on-board with and gung-ho to have children should not have them. Period. Ever. EVER. That's how child abuse and neglect, child stress-related divorce and sad childhoods happen. If you aren't absolutely dying to have children DON'T DO IT.
Don't feel guilty. There is no "right" or "wrong" here. There just isn't and anyone who tells you otherwise is simply bothered that you aren't following the usual program.
Completely agree with the second point. Absolutely. It's something that's so huge, it requires complete, unequivocal commitment. And frankly, I feel many people in the world today have kids when they're not completely on-board - when they don't even have the means to support those children. I shot a documentary in some places in Africa and Asia a few years back. I came across parents that had 7-10 children. And in these families, the father was the only one who worked - in one family from Zambia, Africa, the father earned less than 20 dollars a month. Yet he had nine children. When I asked why he had so many kids, he just shrugged and said, 'It's what we're supposed to do.'
It's selfish to be in a relationship with a woman who wants children when you would have known before your first date that you are never having children. Why has this gone on for two years?
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
And why has it never occurred to you to have a vasectomy? It would seem to be your number one responsibility.
He told her in the OP that he didn't want children right off that bat, according to him.
Just cause a guy doesn't want children doesn't mean he should have to have surgery, however minor it is, it's his choice.
Your mind is made up, you're resigned to losing your girlfriend, and you seem very comfortable in a sensible decision. You're arguing with people who disagree with you. Did you need the reassurance of strangers that you are doing the right thing? You are.
Completely agree with the second point. Absolutely. It's something that's so huge, it requires complete, unequivocal commitment. And frankly, I feel many people in the world today have kids when they're not completely on-board - when they don't even have the means to support those children. I shot a documentary in some places in Africa and Asia a few years back. I came across parents that had 7-10 children. And in these families, the father was the only one who worked - in one family from Zambia, Africa, the father earned less than 20 dollars a month. Yet he had nine children. When I asked why he had so many kids, he just shrugged and said, 'It's what we're supposed to do.'
It's sad when some people decide to do what society tells them they should do.
My girlfriend (of 2 years) wants to have a child with me. I haven´t wanted to have children ever since I was a child myself. When I figured out what I wanted to do in life (I´m a documentary filmmaker) at the age of 15, and when I did my research and studying on what being a documentary Writer-Producer-Director entailed, I came to the conclusion that having a family was not for me. I am now thirty years old and I still don´t want to have kids.
This is not to say you can´t have a family if you are in the business of making documentaries. I have a lot of filmmaker friends who have families. Despite the fact working on a documentary can be hell (18 hour a day shoots in a foreign land, the pay is generally poor and that most likely, only a handful of people will see the project you spent 2 years pouring your heart out over) they are still wonderful parents.
I don´t think I can be so flexible – I´m an obsessive. When I´m working on a project, nothing else matters. I am entirely consumed by the film 24/7. If you are a family member, a friend or a lover, not seeing me for 5 months is the norm when I´m shooting or editing. With that in mind, how on earth could I be a father? I would be terrible at it.
Because of my filmmaking obsession, my relationships with women have been brief catastrophes (I´m honest with them from the beginning – I let women know my career has always been my priority). In fact, my relationship with my current girlfriend is the longest time I have been with a woman.
Filmmaking is an extremely risky business from a financial perspective; my father actually didn´t speak to me for more than a year because I chose film school instead of law or business school. It´s not like you can rely on a steady cheque at the end of the month. It is very difficult to make ends meet. In the last decade, I couldn´t make a living off documentaries alone. I have been supplementing my income with shooting wedding videos (which I hate – but they pay well at least), commercials and corporate videos.
However, 2015 was my breakthrough year. I have been in the D-League for the entirety of my career. 2015 allowed me to go into the NBA. It allowed me to move a big step up. My latest film was very well received critically and commercially. It has been absolutely wonderful as I am now getting the kind of offers and potential projects I always dreamed of. Projects I couldn´t do in the past because of $$$. I feel like this is phase 2 of my career and I sure as hell don´t want to take my foot off the pedal now. But my girlfriend (who God knows how, has tolerated me for this long) wants to have kids. And honestly, I am torn, because I have never felt this way about any other woman. But I also know my insatiable ambition and hunger to make films would not be able to co-exist with fatherhood.
I´m resigned to losing my girlfriend. We have grown further apart since we disagreed. We argue much more. But I simply will not bend. Filmmaking is my priority. Having a family isn´t. I was honest with her when we first started dating. She said she was career-oriented too and she understood. Now she is calling me selfish. Does this make me selfish?
No, definitely not selfish.
I don't want to be a parent either- to much stress and no time to yourself.
Of course not. It's selfish to have kids you don't want, won't nurture properly, or can't provide for. Otherwise it's called rational.
And by the way, childfree women exist. If when I get to my mid-30s the love of my life insists on fatherhood, I'll cry and let him go find (make?) the love of his.
You're not selfish OP. Children are a lifelong commitment and if you've already decided against them, then having them will only make you miserable. Not only will you not have enough time with your children, but you won't have enough time to commit to your work either. You lose in either scenario so why not choose the path where you are at least happy.
It sounds like you may have to let go of your partner.
It seems it'd be worse to have kids you didn't want.
Now sometimes one can change their mind when the baby comes. But it's best to not take that risk. Then you're saddled with the troubles of parenthood and caring for a child you have no interest in. And the child will be hurt, because it will probably show eventually that their father didn't want them, which can be very heart-breaking growing up in the same house with 1 parent that doesn't care for you.
So ultimately, with your girlfriend's new change of heart, the 2 of you are now incompatible. So there's not much to do, other than separate and find better matches. Now breaking up is not that easy. But with something like children, or no, there's no room for any compromise on that. It will involve a huge sacrifice on someone's part, that could breed resentment which may tear the relationship apart anyhow.
I, myself, don't want kids. Children just don't interest me. And the cons of parenthood outweigh any pros, for me. So I have no plans for kids. I didn't even care for babysitting cousins lol Whether society accepts it or not, everyone does not want kids. That's all there is to it.
Last edited by HappyRain; 02-08-2016 at 03:46 AM..
Have a vasectomy, end of discussion. She'll probably move out. Most women want children. You're wise if you decide you don't want children and refuse to give in. Children are a great blessing to those who want to raise them and love them, but they can be a huge burden if you don't. Stick to your guns. Otherwise, you're children in the future might grow to hate a father who never wanted them in the first place.
Of course it's not selfish, if you were honest from the start about your intents, as you note that you were. It's not your fault if your girlfriend initially accepted your stance, but then, later, changed things up.
Whether it's an intentional bait-and-switch based on the premise that one is "sure" their SO will "have a change of heart," and eventually change their perspective, or if it's just a honest change in perspective ("thought I wanted kids, but the more I think about it, I realize I don't," or "thought I didn't want kids, but now I'm changing my mind on that), the end result is the same...your wants in life are not compatible.
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