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They are both doing "it" for their own reasons.
That is where the conflict lay.
Until they discuss it and how it relates to their own issues there is no compromise to be had.
Waffling in circles arguing how you shouldn't be or feel something some way isn't the way to handle conflicts like this.
I do not know the ins and outs of their dynamic or have input from the other side to make any form of solutions for them, so I won't.
I will point out that compromise isn't about one getting what they want, it's about both getting what they NEED.
At this moment the OP needs a partner who will help her work through her insecurities, not ignore them and leave her to "get over it" or suffer in silence while her issues over this balloon in to larger and more complex problems.
Nobody is suggesting the friends have to go away. What I was suggesting both need to support one another and recognize the issues they face both personally that affect them as a couple, being supportive and open so they can reach a point where these type of issues won't become such a harmful or detrimental event to broach.
This is part of growing together and LEARNING to trust. You don't get trust by avoiding everything that bothers you about the other, you EARN it by actions taken along the way.
Trust isn't a given, it is earned and it isn't a infinite commonality once it is received. it has to be contuniously placed for there to be a reason to put your own back in to it.
This is a good point. Firstly, to answer someone else's question he has a ton of male friends. He has more male friends than female actually, but none of them wanted to watch meteors with him...he did ask though.
A few weeks ago when I was in my home state he told me that him and 2 of his female friends were going to get drinks at a bar. I obviously got a little upset with him because that's my gut reaction. Initially, he was angry and frustrated because he just doesn't understand that it makes me upset. Then after some debate he said "I understand where you're coming from a little."
Honestly, I think he totally understands how I feel about this but doesn't want to give up his friends or his freedom to do whatever he wants...which I TOTALLY understand. However, I still feel upset when he does it. Maybe we just aren't meant to be together.
This is a good point. Firstly, to answer someone else's question he has a ton of male friends. He has more male friends than female actually, but none of them wanted to watch meteors with him...he did ask though.
A few weeks ago when I was in my home state he told me that him and 2 of his female friends were going to get drinks at a bar. I obviously got a little upset with him because that's my gut reaction. Initially, he was angry and frustrated because he just doesn't understand that it makes me upset. Then after some debate he said "I understand where you're coming from a little."
Honestly, I think he totally understands how I feel about this but doesn't want to give up his friends or his freedom to do whatever he wants...which I TOTALLY understand. However, I still feel upset when he does it. Maybe we just aren't meant to be together.
Why do you go home so often? That seems to contribute to the problem.
This is a good point. Firstly, to answer someone else's question he has a ton of male friends. He has more male friends than female actually, but none of them wanted to watch meteors with him...he did ask though.
A few weeks ago when I was in my home state he told me that him and 2 of his female friends were going to get drinks at a bar. I obviously got a little upset with him because that's my gut reaction. Initially, he was angry and frustrated because he just doesn't understand that it makes me upset. Then after some debate he said "I understand where you're coming from a little."
Honestly, I think he totally understands how I feel about this but doesn't want to give up his friends or his freedom to do whatever he wants...which I TOTALLY understand. However, I still feel upset when he does it. Maybe we just aren't meant to be together.
Some of it is simply envy that he's doing things with other women when you wish it was you he was doing these things with. There isn't anything wrong with having those feelings.
I am glad you clarified that he does spend time with male friends as well, and it's not a case of the minute you're not around, he's out with other women.
LDR's are tough to navigate and yes it means that you miss out on things sometimes. Is that going to change at all in the future? Some people aren't cut out for LDR's.
Why do you go home so often? That seems to contribute to the problem.
Agreed. Is there a reason why one needs to go home every few weeks? It sounds like jealousy arises when the OP leaves to go back to her home state and her boyfriend wants to be sociable with others. She says she doesn't want him to sit around at home bored, but she seems to get jealous if he isn't spending time exclusively with his male friends.
It would be one thing if she was going home once in a blue moon, but if it's every few weeks, I think it's just unrealistic to have those expectations. If an out-of-town female friend comes into town, I think he also has the right to see her if the OP is not in town. If these issues are cropping up solely because the OP is traveing so much, she may need to assess whether this type of relationship is a good choice for her.
This is a good point. Firstly, to answer someone else's question he has a ton of male friends. He has more male friends than female actually, but none of them wanted to watch meteors with him...he did ask though.
A few weeks ago when I was in my home state he told me that him and 2 of his female friends were going to get drinks at a bar. I obviously got a little upset with him because that's my gut reaction. Initially, he was angry and frustrated because he just doesn't understand that it makes me upset. Then after some debate he said "I understand where you're coming from a little."
Honestly, I think he totally understands how I feel about this but doesn't want to give up his friends or his freedom to do whatever he wants...which I TOTALLY understand. However, I still feel upset when he does it. Maybe we just aren't meant to be together.
I think the thing you need to figure out is what specifically you want him to do differently. From your posts and your descriptions of your boyfriend, the two of you seem like generally decent people who care about each other and should be able to work out some sort of arrangement that suits you both. But clearly, for whatever reason, him seeing these friends while you're out of town so that you can spend the bulk of your time with each other when you're together doesn't seem to be working for you.
From his perspective, this seems to be the issue. He's let you into that side of his life to a sizable degree by telling you what he's up to, who he's with, and trying to have you meet his friends, but it doesn't feel like enough to you. So if you don't want him to give up his friends, then what do you want? Maybe trying to think constructively will help clarify your feelings about the relationship and make for a more productive discussion the next time you talk about this with him.
I think the thing you need to figure out is what specifically you want him to do differently. From your posts and your descriptions of your boyfriend, the two of you seem like generally decent people who care about each other and should be able to work out some sort of arrangement that suits you both. But clearly, for whatever reason, him seeing these friends while you're out of town so that you can spend the bulk of your time with each other when you're together doesn't seem to be working for you.
From his perspective, this seems to be the issue. He's let you into that side of his life to a sizable degree by telling you what he's up to, who he's with, and trying to have you meet his friends, but it doesn't feel like enough to you. So if you don't want him to give up his friends, then what do you want? Maybe trying to think constructively will help clarify your feelings about the relationship and make for a more productive discussion the next time you talk about this with him.
You make an interesting point. Maybe there's a feeling that the BF lives two lives, one with his GF and the other, with all these other friends she has never met. It should perhaps be more blended together.
He had these female friends before you came along and he was completely open and honest about it. He doesn't sneak around and hide it.
I think that people should have friends of either sex outside of the relationship, but not hide it, or feel they have to hide it. The idea is that he keeps in contact with his friends and maybe sees them sometimes but he shares with you and tells you about them. I would think you would meet them. He doesn't understand why you are upset because he honestly doesn't see the problem. He isn't flirting with them or sleeping with them, he does those things with you.
If he wanted to be in a relationship with those women like he is with you then he would have done that before and you never would have met.
It is hard to not be jealous but if you don't have trust, then you don't have anything. Try to work on the trust and ignore the rest. Asking him to give up his friends for you isn't fair. That would apply to friends of any gender.
Don't try to change him, that doesn't work. You can try to change yourself and open yourself up to trust. You can set boundaries for yourself, but not for him.
Yes, it is. I also had the same thoughts about the "back up" plan thing and actually asked him if that's why they're friends and he said "no if I had feelings for my friends I'd date them and not you." So there's that..lol
My boyfriend tells me exactly the same as yours. "If I had feelings for my friends I'd date her, not you."
I understand this sentence, but still I'm not Ok. I feel like it's just an excuse.
I've been thinking of my boyfriend and his female friends for 3 weeks while I could do Nothing.
I've got so much streeses and couldn't concentrate at my work.
In the end, I realized I can't control him so he can't hang out with those girls.
He's an adult and I should admit them because they've known him before I met him.
My best friend told me "You should go out, and meet you male friends."
Yes, I'll meet my male friends and hang out with them.
I cut them because I thought I should. But my boyfriend, he kept his female friends.
I feel like I was stupid. But still I have a chance. If I hang out with male friends just like he does, my stresses and all the anxiety will disappear, I believe.
So my boyfriend (28M) is the kind of guy that has multiple female friends that he hangs out with casually, maybe once or twice a month and texts often. In the beginning of our relationship I (22F) was very insecure and suspicious of his friendships with women but he's never given me a reason not to trust him and he's very transparent with me about them and when he's hanging out with him.
We've had small arguments in the past about this issue but we've worked out our differences for the most part. I'm not 100% thrilled that he has female friends but I'm completely rational and understand that he's an adult and can go/do whatever he wants with whomever and I do not want to control him in anyway. It's more that I don't trust them than I don't trust him because I've only met 1 out of 5-6 of them. I also don't have any platonic male friends and my girlfriends have said that that might also be part of my insecurity.
However, I still feel like sometimes he doesn't use the best judgement when it comes to this situation and it upsets me. For example, today he told me that he asked his female friends if they wanted to watch the meteor shower with him tonight. (I'm visiting grandparents in another state). On our first date, we watched stars/meteors together so this kind of struck a cord if you know what I mean. I just feel like that is something that can be seen as romantic or "date like" and I wish he understood that I find it inappropriate to ask another girl to do that with him.
I don't know what to do. I know he's not trying to be sneaky or malicious towards me but I feel like we've had the same conversation multiple times and he's just not understanding where I'm coming from at all. I don't want the only difference between me and his female friends to be that him and I have sex. In a way his relationships with these other girls makes me feel...not as special.
Does anyone have advice on how I can not be as insecure or fix this problem?
My feeling is if you can't handle that particular situation you should consider ending it. If there is no trust you can't have a successful relationship, something will ultimately rise to surface. If your insecurities don't allow you to trust the other person then that is not a healthy relationship. You are trying to possess the person. When you let go and trust the other person that is real trust. If the person breaks that trust act on it accordingly. By the way I don't see anything wrong with a guy having female friends.
My ex bf was the same way, it only got worse by time . He literally had no limit which really bothered me. Anyways we broke up because of this cause later on when he realised that it bothered me a bit he started hiding it from me whenever they met etc ...
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