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Your son will resent you later. I cannot tell you how to live but you have to think of the younger son that you have with him. Not only will your 8 yr resent you but maybe even his little brother who he feels receives more love and attention. He will blame you for not protecting him. Also your boyfriend doesn't have enough respect for you and he knows you are not going to leave him or at least not for long so he keeps treating him that way. Don't you realize before a man really starts mistreating your kids it's because somehow you gave him the ok to do it? If he feels you will do anything to have him in your life even sacrifice your son he will keep doing the same thing over and over. He is only 8yrs old you still have time. You have two sons you are responsible for, step up and forget that man.
You cannot blame your boyfriend. He entered into this relationship with your consent, and with your consent, he ignored the needs of your child. Why do I say with consent? Because even if you protested and voiced to him what you want, you STAYED with him despite his undesirable actions.
The consent is in your actions, not words. Therefore, he isn't to blame. There is nobody to blame. Just take responsibility for your choices (in him).
Choices bring outcomes, either favorable or unfavorable or a mix of both. What are your priorities? Make your next choice out of respect for these priorities. Your desire to have a partner should not be one of them if it hurts your child in any way.
I am also in the same boat. The thing of this all that I found shocking to myself was that as I read these posts it seems so simple. I think the same - leave. But my, it is just not that simple. It is Much more simple to sit back and cast judgment and have a clear vision on another situation.
My son is 9. His father is basically non existent. We were young (17/19). His father was diagnosed with Bipolar so he has never been stable enough to help me. I am successful. I put myself through college, have a stable home, job, etc.
In the last 9 years (so basically my whole dating life) I have only met this one man who I am so 'gaga' over it's ridiculous. I have had other boyfriends, none of whom were involved in my sons life much. This man and I met 3 years ago and dated casually 2 years ago; becoming more and more serious. He moved in with us about 3 months ago. Basically he and my son are not getting along. My son competes for my attention, and wants his. But my bf doesn't seem to want anything to do with him. He even said that he is feeling overwhelmed and doesn't want to play the role of dad. Though he is crazy about me and thinks our relationship is very successful. It's a huge strain. And even as I write this I know the easy answer and what you are all thinking. I have no problem being single and do not worry that I would eventually find another to be with but this one sure is different.
There is such a huge difference between what I consciously know I should do and then when I look at him.
I should add that my son does like him a lot. and he is not abusive in anyway. Mostly just neglectful with attention. Though he does give him a rough time about his chores and such. When he first moved in he was extremely helpful with him but has since become cold. I do not feel my son is unsafe.
If someone would like to talk with me further, have some non-judgmental dialog/email friendship please Moderator cut: please use DM instead
Last edited by wigirl920; 05-12-2010 at 05:26 AM..
I would ask your boyfirend "Why he doesn't want to spend quality fun time with your son?" My personal opinion: It's been 3 years and your bf has had enough time to get acquainted and become comfortable with your son (especially since he was 3yrs old when he met him). If he hasn't bonded and play with your son, he never will. It sounds like he enjoys time with you, but he just wants a girlfriends and not a faimily. I agree with everyone else and would dump him or if you continue on seeing him, I would enroll you're son in a Big Brother / Big sister program so that he can recieve attention and a positive male role model.
The bottom line is this relationship will not last. First, I think it is wrong to expect your boyfriend to bond with your son. It would be wonderful if it happened but your boyfriend is not interested. Sure it could be his upbringing - whatever. The result is the same - he is not interested in becoming too close to your son. That will never really change.
I'm sorry your son has be subjected to the ongoing rejection. I'm sure that has been painful for him and will have an effect. I think you need to take some responsibility for putting your son in this place. Further, I think you need to consider if you want to continue to do so.
Yes, I'm speaking of breaking with your boyfriend or at least - moving him out of your household.
I'm very sorry.
Okay here is my situation. I have been dealing with this for a long time now. And I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I would also like you all to be honest and tell me if I am wrong here. My boyfriend met me when my son was 3 years old. My son is 9 years now. My son's father never really took care of him. His name isn't on my son's birth certificate.
Old thread!! And what really bothers me now is the fact that the O.P. didn't put the name of the father on her son's birth certificate. Was that so she could collect welfare benefits? Even if the father was a jerk, his name should be on that birth certificate. And he should have been paying child support all along.
Okay here is my situation. I have been dealing with this for a long time now. And I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I would also like you all to be honest and tell me if I am wrong here. My boyfriend met me when my son was 3 years old. My son is 9 years now. My son's father never really took care of him. His name isn't on my son's birth certificate. My son always wanted a male figure in his life even if I was always there for him. Then I met my boyfriend and things were okay. He (my boyfriend) is a very loving and caring person. His grandparents raised him, because his father wasn't really in his life. Although his father was there off and on. I am saying this because I would like you all to tell me if this is the reason for his behavior. I am not sure it is because I know for a fact his grandparents was there 100% and his grandfather spent quality time with him. Now my problem is that, I can't get him to spend time with my son. My son likes video games and action figures and he always has to beg my boyfriend to come play with him. It really hurts me. All my boyfriend keep saying is that, he doesn't like any of my son's games (Not one). My son got a bicycle for christmas, so I figured my boyfriend will now be able to take him outside to ride. Well, if it's raining, nothing can happen. Weekends are all about my boyfriend. He likes soccer, so he gets up in the morninig, watch soccer on tv, then eat, then play playstation until whatever time. My son is there lonely all of this time. Of course, I play my part. But he wants my boyfriend to spend time with him too and that's not happening. I speak to him about these things over and over and no change. He might do something for one day and then back to square one. Why should I have to remind him. We get home 7:30 p.m. at night everyday and I spend time with my son watching tv and so on. I've asked my boyfriend to just go to his room and sit with him, ask him how his day was and so on. But as soon as he enters the house, he goes straight to his playstation. I don't understand. I feel frustrated. It hurts me to see my son beg him all the time. It's only fair that as a result of that, I don't give my boyfriend my all. I can't give him my all until he decide to do something about that. Am I wrong? What should I do. Now my son, at the age of 9 is telling me that he has given up and he won't ask him to spend time with him anymore. It hurts. My boyfriend is always there for my son when it comes to school and so on. He will attend meetings, check his report card and so on. But spending time with my son seems to be hard for him. All he thinks about is himself and making himself happy. Well my son comes 1st and I need to get some advice on this pleaseeeee.
If I was in your BF's position I would take him out in my boat and go fishing. We would go to drag races, NASCAR races and monster truck jams together. He would also be going to classic car shows and even some Rock concerts hehe!LOL...... I would teach him his way around the garage and tools and have some cool projects with him planed. I would also get him involved in scouting and be a part of that with him. That would include camping, hiking, Pinewood Derby and what have you. It would be nice to get him to the range and teach him basic safety and shooting skills. I am also a guitar player and would teach him how to play. I could go on and on but but you get the idea. All in all he wouldn't be board with Rugged!LOL........
Okay here is my situation. I have been dealing with this for a long time now. And I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I would also like you all to be honest and tell me if I am wrong here. My boyfriend met me when my son was 3 years old. My son is 9 years now. My son's father never really took care of him. His name isn't on my son's birth certificate. My son always wanted a male figure in his life even if I was always there for him. Then I met my boyfriend and things were okay. He (my boyfriend) is a very loving and caring person. His grandparents raised him, because his father wasn't really in his life. Although his father was there off and on. I am saying this because I would like you all to tell me if this is the reason for his behavior. I am not sure it is because I know for a fact his grandparents was there 100% and his grandfather spent quality time with him. Now my problem is that, I can't get him to spend time with my son. My son likes video games and action figures and he always has to beg my boyfriend to come play with him. It really hurts me. All my boyfriend keep saying is that, he doesn't like any of my son's games (Not one). My son got a bicycle for christmas, so I figured my boyfriend will now be able to take him outside to ride. Well, if it's raining, nothing can happen. Weekends are all about my boyfriend. He likes soccer, so he gets up in the morninig, watch soccer on tv, then eat, then play playstation until whatever time. My son is there lonely all of this time. Of course, I play my part. But he wants my boyfriend to spend time with him too and that's not happening. I speak to him about these things over and over and no change. He might do something for one day and then back to square one. Why should I have to remind him. We get home 7:30 p.m. at night everyday and I spend time with my son watching tv and so on. I've asked my boyfriend to just go to his room and sit with him, ask him how his day was and so on. But as soon as he enters the house, he goes straight to his playstation. I don't understand. I feel frustrated. It hurts me to see my son beg him all the time. It's only fair that as a result of that, I don't give my boyfriend my all. I can't give him my all until he decide to do something about that. Am I wrong? What should I do. Now my son, at the age of 9 is telling me that he has given up and he won't ask him to spend time with him anymore. It hurts. My boyfriend is always there for my son when it comes to school and so on. He will attend meetings, check his report card and so on. But spending time with my son seems to be hard for him. All he thinks about is himself and making himself happy. Well my son comes 1st and I need to get some advice on this pleaseeeee.
He's an immature a-sshole. I'm not saying that you should dump him over it but he is being a butt-hole about the whole thing. Even if he doesn't feel a bond with your son, as the man of the house, I think it's his duty to act like an adult and assume more responsibility. Playstation, what is he 19, 20--you don't need to be raising 2 kids?
Perhaps it would have helped if the O.P. made it very clear to her boyfriend that she's not looking for a surrogate father for her son (and all that it entails financially), but just a male mentor or big brother to her son. Her boyfriend may resent that her son's father wasn't made to pay child support, and he doesn't want to be the sucker that has to help pay to raise her child. He doesn't want to feel guilt-tripped into adopting her son just so her son feels that he has a father in his life.
Anyway, the O.P. knows who the father of her child is. It's not as if her son was conceived from an anonymous one night stand or rape. And if she collected welfare benefits from not putting the father on the birth certificate, then she was defrauding the system and the rest of us. And her son should be eventually told the truth about his dad and allowed to confront him about being an absentee father.
It's really not fair for the O.P. to hope that her boyfriend will step in and being a dad figure for her son when she should be going after her son's father for those responsibilities. After 12 years, his father should have matured as a person and now want to do the right thing.
When you started dating your boyfriend did you tell him you were looking for a father for your son? If not, that's was (purposely) a little sneaky and no, you have no right to be upset. A man doesn't have to be the father of someone else's child if he doesn't want to be.
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We would go to drag races, NASCAR races and monster truck jams together.
He would also be going to classic car shows and even some Rock concerts hehe!LOL......
That would include camping, hiking, Pinewood Derby and what have you. It would be nice to get him to the range and teach him basic safety and shooting skills.
