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I might take you up on your bet. Readying Paypal account!
Bazzwell,
As for being tuned in to real life, believe me, I am. It would be impossible not to be, with the rote, mundane rigmarole that can be parenthood and marriage. Working full-time and being involved with my children makes me plugged in, almost by default. I am well-versed in real-life - home repairs, dirty diapers, children needing bathes, baby *hit on my fingers, a pile of bills and all that. Even through this, I have tried to (to quote Justin Timberlake-gag) not only bring my sexy back, but to keep it! I've always vowed not to become the woman who had babies and gave up. I work out, dress nice, do my hair, paint my toenails, etc., not only for myself, but because I believe my husband deserves to keep a semblance of the woman he fell in love with. He, too, is quite attractive and, to me, looks better with time.He is my physical ideal, so the lack of bedtime play has nothing to do with that.
It is all emotional. Intimacy. Time and how that time is spent. Laughter. Knowing looks. Naughty touches when the kids aren't looking. All that. All that which is - and has been - missing.
I believe we can get it back, I'm just not willing to be Mrs. Take Charge as I have been in the past. I am tired. It hasn't worked so far, so why keep playing Ringleader?
That's sad, funny and interesting that most of your married friends are miserable. I had to LOL when you mentioned beind stupid by going off and getting married. In my experience, I don't think it's so much marriage itself that might cause a downward slide; it's the introduction of children. With one, it was challenging, but somewhat navigable. She was in daycare full-time and my parents were more inclined to watch her (even though on most of those occasions, we never did anything, re: him working on household projects and me reading books). Now, the older child is in pre-school three days a week and we have an infant; my parents watch them both each day of the week; i am so grateful for their involvement and respectful of their time that I dare not ask them to watch our kids so we can go out. So I now have out the ball in husband's court; I am tired of being the planner, coordinator, organizer and logistics-solver.
Rhett, if a way you are right about being damned if you do and damned if you don't. As women, we want it to come from the heart, not from obligation, duty or guilt. However, in a situation such as mine, I think the necessity for him to be proactive is clear. I wouldn't berate him for it. I would praise him for his efforts, as I do in many areas in which he is not only competent but impressive. It just so happens that he has put this on the backburner for so long that I have become rather apathetic in terms of taking actionable steps.
HTML, yes, a counselor is probably in order. But guess what? I'm not going to look for one. If he finds one, I will go. But otherwise, we are going to up to our own devices.
Sandy, it does appear to be a waiting game, as I'm not going to do much. I re-e-mailed some articles about communication, quality time and child-rearing. He can read them if he wants to; he would be well-advised to do so IMO, because I'm not going to talk about them and pour over them with him to make sure he's done his homework.
To all: This morning, before leaving for work, my husband asked me how long I was going to "play this game." He is accusing me of being silent and giving him the quiet treatment. Frankly, I don't have much to say. I just feel like I keep repeating myself, and I am keeping my more interesting thoughts on life and my own interests in general to myself, because I just don't feel like telling him. He told me that he knows he needs to get a babysitter and that our kids don't need to see us acting like this (agreed). But I am still not moved to do much. I feel like I've been the one keeping it together for this long. I feel like my needs have been neglected for years; it has taken me this long to develop this laissez-faire attitude, after all.
I highlighted your statement above because it signals a red flag that you start to NO LONGER give a hoot about your marriage. Yes, I can say that kids do "interrupt" your marriage, because by nature, your marriage goes from 2 ppl. (you and him) to 4 people. YOU NEED TO INITIATE ON FIXING YOUR MARRIAGE!
I might take you up on your bet. Readying Paypal account!
Fine, but the terms are that you have to have sex with him twice or even three times a day. If this is only for one week, it has to blow his freaking mind. He will seriously reconsider being a bookend in the relationship, and you will be so happy with the turnaround that you will paypal me $200 instead, and feel it was absolutely worth my advice. Happy f***ing!
I am so happy to hear you keep yourself looking good! I will pray dearly that when I get married my wife will do the same. That's my biggest fear, that she will let it all go after we have kids!
This is so absolutely true, you could write a one-page book about it, and it would be the best relationship book ever written. The only reason men even DO relationships is because they are a requirement of having sex with a real woman! Think about all the outrageous stuff men do to get laid.
Currently, NativelyNashville, you have almost zero leverage in the situation. You are not giving anything physical, and so he has nothing to lose by not investing anything himself. I hate to make you feel like a 'c*m rag,' but really, would having sex with your husband make you one?
If you started having sex with him every day, especially more than he could handle, I bet you could make him do anything. Then you would have ALL the leverage, and he would have none. Men are so simple, sometimes I hate myself for being a man. I wish I felt all the lovey-dovey stuff women feel, and understood romance and relationships on the same level. However, as a man all I understand is that my testosterone won't leave me alone for a single g*ddamn second, and all I can think about most days is sex. It's so powerful a motivating force, that I would be willing to bet 85-90% of my decisions in life revolve around how to secure more sex for myself. If he has a working male organ, he's probably the same. You don't want to 'give any ground,' and you want him to voluntarily become more romantic, more cooperative, more focused on you, take more responsibility in the marriage, be more affectionate... And then you might have sex with him. Never. Gonna. Happen. You should have married a WOMAN.
But since you married a MAN, you have to fight on those terms. Get him laid, and he will move mountains for you. Withhold sex, and he won't lift a finger. Sorry, but really I can see this marriage ending in divorce if you are adamant about not budging one inch on this issue. Just try it for one week, as an experiment. I will bet you $100 dollars of my own money that you will see guaranteed results. There's no way it can fail! Men have been the same since the beginning of time!
These generalizations are ridiculous. Are both/either of you even married? Telling her to use her sex/body as currency in the relationship? Have sex with him, then he will listen to you and work towards your relationship? Because he is a man this is what she owes him? I would be bitter if I were her, and listening to this sexist and objectifying advice!
I am married, and yes to a man, and he would never want me to use my body to get him to listen to me. If anything that will build more resentment, and less communication- which is he real problem here.
Counseling seems like it would help with the lack of communication between you two. Maybe you need a mediator to help get things off your chest. Maybe you need alone time. Just depends on how you feel- but I'm sure you realize you do need to do something.
I am married, and yes to a man, and he would never want me to use my body to get him to listen to me. If anything that will build more resentment, and less communication- which is he real problem here.
Are you a man? Nope. Someone asking for advice from a man, is going to get it. I believe my advice is very fair and doesn't ask for much. Have sex with your husband!! It's not like I'm advocating she put on a nurse outfit and do a striptease for him. Just have sex with the poor bastard, and make him realize that he married you because you are a sexy freakin woman that can make his eyes roll into the back of his head, and he should start playing the part of good husband or he is going to seriously regret it. You make it sound like she's being a prositute by having sex with her one and only.
Of cheating? Of leaving? Of just accepting things as they are and living a life largely emotionally and physically independent of my husband for the sake of the children?
I'm not exactly sure what I'm on the verge of; it could be none, one or all of the above. I've been married to my husband for nearly five years; we've known each other for 10. We have a four-year-old and a nine-month-old. We both work full-time. I am also in graduate school. We have no major money problems and, from all appearances, things look rather ideal.
However, for years my husband worked second-shift. This left me alone when I came home from work to care for one - then two - children singlehandedly. Over time, this became difficult to negotiate. My life became simply going to work in the morning to do one job, then coming home in the evening to begin my second shift all by myself. It was a cycle that became demoralizing, boring and led to what I perceive as an incredibly unbalanced life.
Well, this persisted for years, as mentioned. Throughout that time, mmy husband and I's relationship began deteriorating. We no longer dated. No dinners. No lunches. Very little time alone, unless I persuaded my parents to babysit and, even then, oftentimes nothing would happen. He'd spend time trying to work on a household project or something, and I would end up reading a book.
I would look at sites like Marriage Builders for tips. I would pull up articles written by marriage and family therapists to see what we could do. I would share this with my husband, we'd talk, agree that certain issues were present, and then fall back into the same monotonous rhythm.
Recently, my husband finally got moved to first shift. I was very excited at first, thinking this would spell the end of the doldrums our marriage has become. I hoped this would decrease the time we spent discussing baby food and diapers and what's for dinner and how much gas costs and did you get the mail and mess like that. But it hasn't.
We still don't do anything, go anywhere, talk about anything of consequence on a personal level. We have spent, maybe, two hours alone this year so far. I no longer try to arrange for babysitting or plan anything for us to do. That has always fallen in my court and, frankly, I am fatigued of the entire arrangement. Our weekends consists of chores and errands. I have grown less communicative, almost it seems involuntarily; it is as though I am shutting down - closing myself off from him.
The last time he tried to have sex with me, I felt sick. I just wanted him to leave me alone. We spent this weekend doing nothing. We eat meals in silence now, speaking only to the kids.
He shared with me that we just need to have sex more frequently, so that we can get back to where we were when we first met. I'm like, yeah right. First of all, the foundation for intimacy does not exist; intimacy cannot be achieved if two people never spend any time alone together and never laugh, have fun, go anywhere, see anybody or do anything. I haven't had an orgasm with him in at least four months.
I have started thinking about having sex with someone else. My mind wanders, thinking what else could be out there for me. I think, well, I am still relatively young (30), attractive, somewhat accomplished, smart, likeable ... how can I spend the rest of my projected life span like this?
Then, on the other hand, I fiercely love my husband, even though I am feeling increasingly less in love with him.
Any advice? I feel like I've been banging my head against the wall for years, with no results. I am really done. I am tired. I am unfulfilled. This relationship is not meeting my needs or expectations.
your husband has not supported you in a long time, both emotionally and now physically, which of course could be due to this problem growing older with time. We begin to resent the person we are with, if they very conviently cop out on their part of the responsiblity. You start to feel like an old dish wrag, tired, haggered, frustrated, and then to boot, his solution to the problem is have more sex.
He's got the best of both worlds and it is not fair to you...while I blame him, this situation is your choice as well...meaning, you allowed him to do this for so long. So, it, to him is acceptable behavior. So, your both to blame.
I would suggest immediately finding a counselor and you two going to air out your laundry in front of each other.
I know how you feel...so please understand, I don't mean to sound insensitive to the problem...it is a problem, a very serious one, which has been left go unchecked for way to long.
NN: I first want to say that I completely understand your plight!! I was married for 10 years and my marriage was very much like the one you're describing! Love is there, companionsip is not... It can be so frustrating that you lose all desire to even care anymore. I know!
However, let me play "devil's advocate" for a minute here. I am now single... for the last 3 years... and let me just tell you THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER!!! If you didn't particulary enjoy the bliss of "caring for two children single-handedly" while your husband was at WORK... How exactly do you think you'll feel about living that reality 24/7--FROM NOW ON!?? I'ts hard, my friend!... Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and socially! If you are (and I know I did!) having these fantastic "day dreams" about what love and life and your knight in shining armor are all about... Let me tell you that REALITY doesn't play out nearly so nicely!
Now, don't get me wrong... your marriage definately needs some work in order to become one that is satisfying to ANYONE (as I'd be willing to bet that HE is as miserable as you are!) But throwing it all away and hoping for one that will be less work... Bad idea! Relationships are WORK, no matter how you slice it! Your next one might have different problems, but there WILL be problems.... and there will be more and more of them as you go from one relationship to the other because your "baggage" gets heavier and heavier as you go along! My advice, if you're still listening... Get help! Get naked! Get a sitter! Get mushy! Get plane tickets! Get over it! But DO NOT "Get gone".... unless you truly believe that you are the type that can be genuinely happy ALONE! My point: If you're wanting to trade your spouse for "alone".... then maybe it IS a good idea for you (only you know that!) BUT if you're wanting to trade him for someone else (either immediately or down the road!) you're best bet is to hang on to the one you've got and MAKE it work! You'll be glad you did in the end! And cheating???.... PLEASE! He doesn't deserve THAT, and you'll only hate yourself afterwards!
I certainly understand both of your points. Chiaro, as a man - though unmarried but with married friends - I think your POV offers some welcome insight, though I do not totally agree with your input. Honestly, three timesa day for a week is not going to happen. Even on a bet with $100 dangling before me (ha!), I just don't see it. Lifestyle-wise, it is not pragmatic or really feasible. Emotionally, I am not there. In theory, yes, because I like it as much as any other woman, but in reality, I am not moved. Situationally, something must change and improve to stoke those fires.
Faina, it is a bit insulting, that I should be expected to put out in order to receive a modicum of what I've been begging and pleading for, for so long. In the end, it keeps me in an unsatisfying position of undermining my own wants and desires in the hope of POSSIBLY getting what I need, by continually giving what I am not getting.
Chiaro, as a man - though unmarried but with married friends - I think your POV offers some welcome insight, though I do not totally agree with your input. Honestly, three timesa day for a week is not going to happen. Even on a bet with $100 dangling before me (ha!), I just don't see it. Lifestyle-wise, it is not pragmatic or really feasible. Emotionally, I am not there. In theory, yes, because I like it as much as any other woman, but in reality, I am not moved. Situationally, something must change and improve to stoke those fires.
Faina, it is a bit insulting, that I should be expected to put out in order to receive a modicum of what I've been begging and pleading for, for so long. In the end, it keeps me in an unsatisfying position of undermining my own wants and desires in the hope of POSSIBLY getting what I need, by continually giving what I am not getting.
I admit, three times a day for a week is more than I could handle, and I'm 23. I just wanted to emphasize that if I lose $100, it had better not be for lack of trying on your part.
No, you shouldn't have to put out to get what you want. But really, haven't women done this for centuries? It's pretty much a given that women are sexual traders in a sense, trading sex for all the things a marriage can provide to them as women. Men go along with it because it's good to have sex, and yes, companionship as you get older is a nice thing to have. I just feel, as a man, that sex will always be such an important component... I can't imagine a real relationship without it! Maybe my suggestion is wrong completely. I suppose if I was 50, my perspective might be different. I guess just take what you can from everyones posts, and draw your own conclusions
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