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This is kinda sad.....you can have fantasies & dreams come true with real people....if you aren't afraid of everyone having flaws............
It's not really about fear. At least for me it wasn't. It was more about an "idea of love" rather than the real thing. I believe everyone fantasizes about their partner to some extent. But when the bulk of what you love about them is made up in your head, it's a problem. For me it was anyway.
I think that this is largely a matter of one's own perception and what various terms mean to them. Lust, infatuation, New Relationship Energy (NRE), limerance, "loving" versus being "in love with", even feeling a kind of love for someone you don't even like...there are so many shades to it.
I don't like the way that situations often are used to invalidate emotions. If you feel love for someone but they don't reciprocate, it's often dismissed as having just an infatuation. Likewise if it doesn't work out to have a long term relationship, as opposed to when it does... If things go well and you get your happily-ever-after fairytale relationship, you are allowed to say that it was "love at first sight" or that you "fell in love" if you want, but if it doesn't, then it was ~just~ lust or infatuation? I don't think so. I won't be invalidating my feelings, just to get over someone, I don't need to diminish how I felt in order to do that.
And I also don't think that love has to be scarce, in order to be valid, valuable, precious and wonderful. I don't think that love needs to be permanent, either, to be valid. I don't believe that love is one specific thing. It's got as many shades and flavors as there are connections between myself and others, and I can value them all for whatever they are worth...in the moment, or in a memory. I do not consider my love to be cheap just because it is fairly plentiful, either.
Of all my partners, I fell in love with 7 of them. 14 of them, that I know of, fell in love with me. Only once has it happened that I, and another person, were similarly and simultaneously in love with one another, and I'm still in a relationship with him.
I had a woman claimed she was in love with me, even though she didn't know me that well. She got to know me as a friend, and even demanded a platonic friendship only with me. I was stuck in that track until she revealed her feelings for me had changed later.
I thought she was just in love with the idea of BEING in love (this is quite often mistaken for love), because she just suddenly switched gears on me. I liked her a lot, but the intensity of my feelings did not match her's.
Things ended because she was still technically married and I wanted to wait until her divorce was final...which wasn't too far off. She wasn't willing to wait, because she was desperate for companionship actually. She said she's never been without some kind of lover or significant other in her life time. NEVER had a long time gap between relationships...in fact, she told me she HATED being single.
She easily found someone new right after me, which I went with my gut and invalidated that 1. She never really truly LOVED me...because if she did, she would have waited the couple of months until the divorce was final. 2. She admitted she hated being single and hopped from relationship to relationship without ever trying out being independent.
I think she was simply emotionally vulnerable and was seeing not one, but two therapists.
We had been in touch during the our "Break", but one day she called me out of the blue that she started dating someone new, and had asked that we cut contact out of respect for her new beau. Lost respect for her after that.
I had a woman claimed she was in love with me, even though she didn't know me that well. She got to know me as a friend, and even demanded a platonic friendship only with me. I was stuck in that track until she revealed her feelings for me had changed later.
I thought she was just in love with the idea of BEING in love (this is quite often mistaken for love), because she just suddenly switched gears on me. I liked her a lot, but the intensity of my feelings did not match her's.
Things ended because she was still technically married and I wanted to wait until her divorce was final...which wasn't too far off. She wasn't willing to wait, because she was desperate for companionship actually. She said she's never been without some kind of lover or significant other in her life time. NEVER had a long time gap between relationships...in fact, she told me she HATED being single.
She easily found someone new right after me, which I went with my gut and invalidated that 1. She never really truly LOVED me...because if she did, she would have waited the couple of months until the divorce was final. 2. She admitted she hated being single and hopped from relationship to relationship without ever trying out being independent.
I think she was simply emotionally vulnerable and was seeing not one, but two therapists.
We had been in touch during the our "Break", but one day she called me out of the blue that she started dating someone new, and had asked that we cut contact out of respect for her new beau. Lost respect for her after that.
*shrug*
I think that when a person is in a state of emotional vulnerability, like a big change is happening and they're trying to come to terms with it, it's probably a bad idea to get too invested in them. (Divorce, death, major financial or employment stress, etc) That's why "rebounds" are a thing. Because a person whose emotions are topsy-turvy in a big way and running the show more than usual, is often not making the most sound of decisions. It's a bad time to try to choose a new mate, but a lot of people feel so scared and vulnerable being alone that they'll try and grab onto anyone who will let them.
And there are a lot of predatory individuals who make a habit of taking advantage of this, too. They may see it as being a "rescuer" of someone who has a lot of problems, but the reality is, they know that a solid human being standing in a place of security won't choose them, won't let them step in and walk all over them, so they go for the vulnerable targets. They SEEM supportive, caring, almost altruistic, but they aren't copping to the darker flip side of that coin. This is why I don't trust the "Knight in Shining Armor" mindset.
I'd bet that the relationship she formed with her "new beau" doesn't last, and/or ends rather messily at some point, unless she got really lucky and landed a good one DESPITE being in a messy place. I support your decision to ask for time. The fact that she wouldn't wait is indeed a red flag.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea
It's not really about fear. At least for me it wasn't. It was more about an "idea of love" rather than the real thing. I believe everyone fantasizes about their partner to some extent. But when the bulk of what you love about them is made up in your head, it's a problem. For me it was anyway.
If it's just an idea of love....that's different....but you have to be open to love in order to find it IMO. I'm all for taking your time.....& living love every day to be sure it's real. Eyes wide open tho...does not mean it's not real & ofc there will be flaws in everyone....
You have to give of yourself to make the dreams a reality too....it's not just what you can expect from someone else....staying in love after falling is what matters!!!
I'd bet that the relationship she formed with her "new beau" doesn't last, and/or ends rather messily at some point, unless she got really lucky and landed a good one DESPITE being in a messy place. I support your decision to ask for time. The fact that she wouldn't wait is indeed a red flag.
I've wondered that myself. So far, they are coming up on a year and occasionally declares how lucky she is to have him. They follow a very similar belief system, that of non-duality. He ran said Meetup group (he was the organizer). The "mature state of consciousness" philosophies she had tended to always follow herself. Her ex was a Zen monk, but he went bonkers and left her.
Also, every one of her relationships had lasted YEARS, so I was surprised to hear that's she's never had a rebound OR...of course, I DO hear of rebounds winding up being long term relationships...so go figure. And that's happened EVERY time with her. So yeah it did surprise me not a single relationship (or marraige) she's ever had lasted a handful of months. She was always in it for the long haul. Guess she was an outlier.
A few times. Now I look back and womder what I was thinking. Such a waste of time pining and crying over things not working out. All nonsense. I look back at these women now and want absolutely nothing to do with them. If forced to say hello I will do so, but cringe if they engage in conversation with me. Just go away!
Once, she was the spitting image of Kelly Brook. And I know I never will again due to severe disability. None of the women I'm attracted to would ever date a disabled man.
I think at one point you just get old and it's either not there or just feels different so you think it's not there. Every couple has a different energy between them.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,583,293 times
Reputation: 7613
Quote:
Originally Posted by Idkeither
4
I think at one point you just get old and it's either not there or just feels different so you think it's not there. Every couple has a different energy between them.
hopefully by the time you are old.....you are able to spend more time on the love you have to keep it exciting & fun.......& enduring.....
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