Boyfriend's way to talk about my looks feels bad and insulting (movies, guy)
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Believe or not, they are helping a lot... When I talk with him, he makes me feel so wrong and crazy and that he's behavior is normal. We have good things in our relationship also, ofcourse, and breaking up is not easy... I need outsider opinions on these situations, because he makes me feel that these things are really ok to say...
OP, why are you still with this guy? Because of the good things in the relationship, and because breaking up isn't easy? This type of thinking is what abused women say. "He sometimes hits me, but he's so sweet when he's in a good mood". That type of reasoning is typical: they ignore the abuse (in your case, it's emotional abuse), and focus on the good moments. Consistently making you feel wrong and crazy is a known psychological dominance strategy. In the US (you sound like you're in Europe somewhere?) it's called "gaslighting". It's about denying the partner's reality, and deliberately making them feel that their perceptions are way off, unconnected with reality. It's a type of psychological abuse.
Earlier you said this:
Quote:
he flirts openly with others front of me and calls me friend to other woman. But these issues are solved and he got that it's not ok.
OP, he knew it was not ok all along. No one in their right mind would think that's ok. When you spoke to him about it, he may have pretended he was only understanding it for the first time, but if so, that was an act he was putting on.
This is a toxic person. No matter how good the good moments or days are, there will always be those psychologically manipulative times. This is not what love looks like. Please think about that. It's possible to experience love and support without putting up with emotional abuse in the same package. There are plenty of men out there who could give you sincere love without the abuse.
It sounds like, if you were to tell him you're breaking up and why, he would argue with you, and make you feel like you're imagining things and are wrong about how you feel. Don't let him challenge you. You don't need him to agree with your reasons for breaking up; you only need to make an announcement, and leave. Hopefully, you have the financial means to arrange for your own place to live.
I'm getting a little worried, that if you were to leave, or to simply tell him you're breaking up, a different side of him might come out. The gaslighting is about control. He's trying to control you by wearing down your self-esteem. Does he also try to separate you from your friends? That's another control tactic that in some cases is combined with methods to undermine a partner's self-esteem.
I'm concerned that the control might escalate, if you say you're leaving. It would feel to him like a tremendous loss of control for him. This might cause him to lash out. I'm thinking perhaps it might be best for you to arrange your own apartment, then leave unannounced, when he's away, for your own safety.
I realize this may be difficult to read, especially the part about leaving and your safety. You may not feel like the situation has reached that stage, or you may not be ready to assert yourself in that way, or you may believe he would never harm you. (Though he already is deliberately trying to harm you, through the gaslighting. His are not merely thoughtless comments; they are deliberate and calculated to have a certain effect.) But the day will come, sooner or later, I think, when you realize you've had enough.
Thank you for this update, and for reaching out. Have you discussed this with any friends? Having support in situations like this is important.
Thank you for your kind, wise and beatifull words Ruth4truth.
If I deside to leave him, I don't have to worry about getting a place to live, we live in my apartment and he doesn't pay any rent. Only proplem is how I can make him leave.. I'm thinking that I should just stay somewhere else for a month and If he is not out ens of The month, I just call cops.
I have discussed with my friends and family, and I have great and supportive people around me.
I'm not trying anything. Even it might sound weird because I'm willing to be with this kind of person, I don't suffer from low self-esteem. That was sincere wonder of mine, and if I feel good about myself, I don't have a problem to say it outloud..
Good for you op and don't worry it's pretty obvious as to why and how the thread and peoples thoughts might help.
PS , why isn't he paying you some rent btw ? You know that really is kind of setting yourself up and open to just being used and very convenient.
Anyway on the comments and cracks he makes , it's pretty well passive aggressive , put downs in disguise and sometimes not even in disguise but he can twist it around into things to in his mind disguise them.
Some people get their rocks of in doing this bs for their own bs whatever that may be and manipulation.
l'll just about bet your being a b if you were to ask him to start paying his way too.
l know breaking up is a very very hard thing, unlike the way they make it sound in forums, just block, just this, just that , as if it's nothing. But you do really need to get away from this guy bc there is no way known he doesn't realize the way he is saying things and the twists he puts onto them explaining them away as nothing and it's no wonder it gets to you.
Somebody that does genuinely love you and isn't getting free rent, does not treat you like that.
Thank you for your kind, wise and beatifull words Ruth4truth.
If I deside to leave him, I don't have to worry about getting a place to live, we live in my apartment and he doesn't pay any rent. Only proplem is how I can make him leave.. I'm thinking that I should just stay somewhere else for a month and If he is not out ens of The month, I just call cops.
I have discussed with my friends and family, and I have great and supportive people around me.
If that's an issue then all the negative about him on this thread is confirmed.
Maybe your friends Brutus and Igor would help him pack?
Good for you op and don't worry it's pretty obvious as to why and how the thread and peoples thoughts might help.
PS , why isn't he paying you some rent btw ? You know that really is kind of setting yourself up and open to just being used and very convenient.
I just had a realization from this post. OP, how well did you know this guy when you invited him to move into your apartment? Was he already doing that manipulative behavior before he moved in? Flirting with others, and all the rest of it?
I think one reason he's trying to keep you confused is that he has a free place to live, and he doesn't want to lose that. So he denies everything you say, and turns it around to make it look like you're the one who's wrong. He's deliberately keeping you off-balance and questioning yourself, so you won't kick him out. I don't know how you're going to get rid of him, but don't be in a hurry to have a bf move in with you, the next time.
Does your bf work? Is he able to support himself independently? If so, why isn't he contributing something toward rent? Who pays for groceries and for the electricity and other utility services? Was he fully employed when you met him?
I think now we're getting to the core problem here....
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 09-28-2022 at 09:16 AM..
Hey, I'm back... Can I have opinions about situation that happened other day...
I wasn't feeling great, quite horrible actualy (hangover). I was saying to my boyfriend that I wonder how good I Look even I feel terrible. ...
Welcome back. I hope you are feeling better now. I have a couple of comments to offer:
1st: Don't rely on others for your feelings about yourself. Decide for yourself how you look, and then take appropriate steps if you are not happy with your appearance, but don't depend on others. It is a sure way to unhappiness.
2nd: There may have possibly been a tiny bit of -- probably unconscious -- effort to manipulate on your part. I say that because if you ask someone for an opinion when you already know that an honest answer might disturb you and you ask it anyway -- you are angling to be disturbed.
3rd: From reading your post, it seems to me that you might be young and inexperienced. Probably your boyfriend is too. Realize that both of you are still working out how to be adults and you are going to make mistakes. (Once you mature, you will still make mistakes, but you will be less apt to blame others when you do.) Try to give others the benefit of doubt, knowing that people make mistakes and they are not intentionally doing something to hurt you.
I feel like my boyfriend has some need to put me down.
If I tell him that some guy smiled me at the street, he asks "Really, even you are looking like that?"
When we were watching some nonsense videoclip where people were ranking each others by looks, he said that he would rank me as 6.
When I showed pictures with my friends kid, he said "Is that really you? Really nice picture. I couldn't regonice you from that". Then he started to talk about how he didin't regonice me from my* Facebook profile picture either, and that's really nice photo of me, usualy profile pictures are. I don't use photoshop or filters.
When I'v been talking about how insulting these kind of comments are, he just can't see it. My self-esteem is not going to be damaged from he's words but I think that that kind of behavior is to damaging our relationship. I woul like to feel loved and respected, but this feels just bad and unrespectful.
Any opinions? All these comments have been said within a month, and none of these would be so bad if they were the only ones. He calls me beatifull when I'm wearing lots of makeup or just before he wants sex.
If my partner said things like that to me I would ask him why he's with me.
Try that. If he wants to be with you he'll come up with some compliments for some reasons why if not maybe it's time to break it off and find someone new.
I think one reason he's trying to keep you confused is that he has a free place to live, and he doesn't want to lose that.
So he denies everything you say, and turns it around to make it look like you're the one who's wrong.
He's deliberately keeping you off-balance and questioning yourself, so you won't kick him out.
I don't know how you're going to get rid of him.
Does your bf work? Is he able to support himself independently? If so, why isn't he contributing something toward rent? Who pays for groceries and for the electricity and other utility services? Was he fully employed when you met him?
I think now we're getting to the core problem here....
Just find someone who is going to fawn all over and lie to you.
Good luck!
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