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Thanks for this feedback. It gives me a lot of encouragement that we aren't the only couple that disagree on this topic.
One of my employees in healthcare took her initial set of vaccine in Dec 2020 when it came out and has had 2 boosters and is planning to take her third. Her husband and three children are anti vaxxers. The husband had gotten COVID twice, once a bit seriously and yet does not believe in the vaccine. When asked about his reluctance to take the vaccine she tolls her eyes and states that she has given up. Yet they have a 30+ year marriage and find that COVID and vaccine is not worth destroying their marriage
As long as both of you don't berate each other because if your beliefs, you can just agree to disagree and move on. You take your booster shots, she just ignores vaccines. At this stage the current mutated virus is less virulent than the one in 2020. If she is healthy she can probably get over an infection without getting hospitalized. And if she does get the infection, be supportive and don't admonish her for not having taken the vaccine.
If COVID and its origin and therapies are the only major areas of disagreement, then there is hope. This virus will slowly die down and so will the conspiracy theories. Just be patient, calm and have some empathy.
We are still together. Tempers are ceasing. I talked to some friends and its apparent that our situation has come down to this: We are just different. People change over time. So what does that mean? Well, the real question is can we stay together? Neither of us have the answer to that. I want her to be happy and she wants me to be happy. I love her; she loves me. I'm not sure either of us are "in love" with each other though.
Now we need to figure out what to do. If we get divorced we instantly are put in a pretty poor position - both financially and with our kids (19, 17, 15). There is also the position of our faith that tells us we shouldn't get divorced (although several friends of mine who are of the same religion and have said it may be best for mental health). We will need to see how this plays out. Our goals and what we want to do in the future are different as well. Can we be happy with being "sort of married". Again, I don't know. Time will tell.
If anyone has any thoughts on living the "fake marriage" persona I'd love to hear it. I'm sure we could co-exist in the same house.
I wouldn't call that fake or sort of married. You are married or you are not. Marriages are different for different reasons. It is possible to compromise although these days people just rather bail and that is unfortunate. An imperfect marriage is still real.
We are still together. Tempers are ceasing. I talked to some friends and its apparent that our situation has come down to this: We are just different. People change over time. So what does that mean? Well, the real question is can we stay together? Neither of us have the answer to that. I want her to be happy and she wants me to be happy. I love her; she loves me. I'm not sure either of us are "in love" with each other though.
Now we need to figure out what to do. If we get divorced we instantly are put in a pretty poor position - both financially and with our kids (19, 17, 15). There is also the position of our faith that tells us we shouldn't get divorced (although several friends of mine who are of the same religion and have said it may be best for mental health). We will need to see how this plays out. Our goals and what we want to do in the future are different as well. Can we be happy with being "sort of married". Again, I don't know. Time will tell.
If anyone has any thoughts on living the "fake marriage" persona I'd love to hear it. I'm sure we could co-exist in the same house.
Why do you have to live a "fake marriage"? You speak about loving her but not being "in love" with her. (That sounds like the hackneyed phrase "I love you but I'm not in love with you" that cheating spouses often use, btw.) Being "in love" is a state of limerance, not actual love. Loving is a verb, not a noun, and requires daily action, and sometimes daily work. If both of you love and truly want the other to be happy, then putting in the work can result in a sincere and loving marriage, not a "fake" one. Marriage is not a lockstep arrangement, btw, and both parties are not required to agree on every goal and desire. As long as each of you respects the others' opinions and can disagree and even argue in a non-hostile manner, your differences can be tolerated and even add to the richness of the relationship. Being married to a clone can be a bore.
Hello all,
I'm heartbroken. Been married for 21 years. The first 18 years were really good. Covid changed my wife (and she says I've changed). Anyway, long story short she has become very far right politically, while I'm more moderate/lean right. She has gone down the conspiracy rabbit hole on so many things that never came to pass in the crazy covid world.
Fast forward to vaccine time. I got vaccinated a year ago this past August for work (August 2021). She is not vaccinated. I have not taken any booster shots.
My wife has a genetic blood disorder- too much iron in her blood and it needs to be dumped every so often. She is convinced her situation has flared up because I received the vaccine. It hurts me that she believes this. She doesn't get what this is doing to me. She is studying to become a holistic health counselor- she thinks she's an expert. I tell her you can take any topic and prove both sides on the internet with all of the BS on the internet. She will only look only at her side (confirmation bias).
We are both spiritual. I'm talking to a few close Christian friends. I have the scriptural verses and am in prayer on it. Does anyone have any thoughts here? Its been going on for almost three years (conspiracies) and I'm exhausted with the latest (me causing the blood issue). I hate thinking of separation which could lead to divorce. But both of us are miserable though, and it hasn't changed with years of prayer., and counseling
We have three kids 19, 17, 15. Any thoughts from anyone would be great. I really appreciate it.
Instead of counseling, I would urge her to take a college level chemistry course together. It would really benefit her to understand what happens at the molecular and atomic level- real science. Then, let her come to her own conclusions.
Also, I don't believe in divorce- speaking personally. If divorce is a possibility, I wouldn't marry in the first place.
I'm sorry to read your story OP. I have a friend who believes crazy conspiracy theories and loves to talk about her "rabbit holes" that she goes into on the Internet. No matter what I would say or questions I would ask she would never see my side or listen to reason. It got to where I would only interact with her when we had patients around (we work together) and now she seems to be avoiding me altogether. This year she declined working with me closely.
It's a shame and I miss her terribly. But in the sake of my mental health, I just couldn't engage with her anymore. A real bummer.
We are still together. Tempers are ceasing. I talked to some friends and its apparent that our situation has come down to this: We are just different. People change over time. So what does that mean? Well, the real question is can we stay together? Neither of us have the answer to that. I want her to be happy and she wants me to be happy. I love her; she loves me. I'm not sure either of us are "in love" with each other though.
Now we need to figure out what to do. If we get divorced we instantly are put in a pretty poor position - both financially and with our kids (19, 17, 15). There is also the position of our faith that tells us we shouldn't get divorced (although several friends of mine who are of the same religion and have said it may be best for mental health). We will need to see how this plays out. Our goals and what we want to do in the future are different as well. Can we be happy with being "sort of married". Again, I don't know. Time will tell.
If anyone has any thoughts on living the "fake marriage" persona I'd love to hear it. I'm sure we could co-exist in the same house.
We fall in love with people because they meet most of our most important needs. Some of those top needs are attraction/sex, family/home security, shared recreational activities, conversation needs, financial support, etc. Google emotional needs and figure out yours/hers. Determine where you are shortchanging each other.
When we are madly in love at first everyone is working OT to meet each other's needs. Life happens and stresses the marriage, we slack off because of other demands, etc. Resentment happens and then disagreement/arguments flare up causing hurt feelings. People dig in and its every man/woman for themselves fighting to get back to the place we felt safe/loved and like our needs were being met. Sometimes we turn outside the marriage to get needs met like with affairs or in your wife's case whomever she is listening to. That adds betrayal to the mix.
Every relationship has a certain amount of currency. When you have positive interactions, meet each others needs and engage in loving actions the balance goes up; negative interactions and unloving/hurtful actions cause the balance to go down. Ditto not meeting needs. Drive the balance low enough and your "in love" account is overdrawn. Resentment sets in and you are in a downward spiral.
Not sure what you mean by a fake marriage, but that doesnt seem like a goal to strive for or something to settle for. Both of you deserve better than that.
Check out MarriageBuilders. You might find it useful and there is phone couseling avaiable as well.
You might reflect on the reason(s) why you don't want to divorce. I'm not saying that you should be more willing to divorce, but that understanding your motivations would bring more clarity to your decision.
You mentioned loving your wife and your Christian beliefs. Do any feelings of social stigma come into it? What about fear of the financial damage?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Athair
Well hey, OP, I suppose “my wife turned into a conservative” is grounds for divorce these days.
This is really more “my wife lost the ability to logically reason about medical facts and is willing to believe people who sit on the computer with their tinfoil hats all day to the point she thinks I physically caused a flare up in her condition which common sense says there is no logical way that can happen.”
It also sounds like by “fake marriage” it means both the wife and the husband have concluded the loving section of their marriage is over but the economic unit side of the marriage would be in their best interests to keep in tact for the intermediate future at least.
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