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I'm 34 years old and I still can't find a date these days. Actually I'm kinda of glad too, because I have more time for myself. When I was younger I didn't really date that much either. I went on a few dates here and there, even had a girlfriend right after high school. But I joined the military, got stationed in alaska where the guy to girl ratio is like 40:1. Got out of the military when I was 24, went back to college to finish my degree, was considered the "old man on campus", so there went 3 years there. Got into graduate school at age 28 (dental school in philadelphia) and if anyone has ever went to graduate school you'll know your dating is pretty much down the tubes. So after finishing school, finishing residency and working for alitle over a year now, I wouldn't mind dating again. Do I regret not going on more dates when I was younger, absolutely not! It would've been nice to go on a few here and there, but professionally it could've been a diaster if something had gone wrong.
My oldest child is 12 and in 7th grade. These are the current rules, but as we're not "there" yet on some of them, these may change:
1. Daytime group stuff is currently OK. (Football game after school with mixed group of friends, including boys.)
2. Nighttime group stuff is currently OK with adult presence. (Ice cream shop after band concert, parents present.)
3. In-name-only labels of "boyfriend" are currently OK. (At her school, lots of boys and girls have named their boyfriends and girlfriends, but I don't know of any that actually date. It's more just eating together at lunch and sitting together at games. I was reluctant to agree to this, but since it's school only, there's not much we could do. This was important to her, and she is a good girl. She does not currently have a "boyfriend," though.)
4. Small group dating (e.g., two or three couples) is OK in high school. She will be 14, turning 15, in 9th grade.
5. One-on-one dates are OK at 16.
Additional rules:
1. We must meet the friends.
2. We must meet the adults who are driving or supervising, and yes, we may call at any time to verify her presence.
3. Prerequisites include decent grades, good behavior, finished chores.
Next Friday is her first dance. It's a "mixer," so I think they're trying to discourage the kids' pairing up as couples. I'm chaperoning ... when my daughter found out, she looked horrified. I'll give her as much space as I can, but somebody's got to be there!
setting the age for dating, if that's all a parent looks at, is like bolting the barn door after the horse has escaped
Start teaching them whatever your family values are from the time they are age 2, 3, 4, with age-appropriate conversations, continued when they are 5,6, and 7, keep a line of communication with them open (and that means listening to what they are sharing with you, not "talking at them" and preaching), when they are 10, 11, 12.
Pay attention to the kids, meet their friends, observe, listen, and you will have a clear window into your children's lives and their world.
With my 3 sons I focused on clear respectful communication, and them taking responsibility for their actions, and giving them accurate information about sex, intimacy, relationships, everything from wearing a condom, pregnancy, STDs, to financially supporting any babies they make, to care and consideration for their friends and later girlfriends. It's a package deal. Setting an "age for dating" is such a tiny slice as to be ineffective if a parent is not aware of all the other parts of their kids', teens', young adults lives.
A parent may like to live in fantasy land of "don't have sex" or "don't date" until you're 15 or 18 or 21 or whatever, and set down rules and punishments galore. Those acts usually are too little too late. As a parent I've gained the most peace of mind in treating my sons from day 1, from age 3, on up to now they are in their mid-20s with respect, consideration, honesty, and accurate realistic information, as well as imprating them full responsibility for the choices they make, whether that is in the arena of sex, finances, job, work, friends, whatever.
You're only fooling yourself if you believe you can "tell your kids what to do" at age 12 or 14 or beyond. If a parent wants to raise mature, responsible, capable young adults who make wise decisions, then they treat their children of every age with respect, maturity, consideration, and entrust them with age-appropriate, and developmental-level-appropriate responsibility. Putting on blinders as a parent, or trying to enforce heavy-handed rules and punishment, does not keep teens from exploring their sexuality.
I'm chaperoning ... when my daughter found out, she looked horrified.
Yanno, at that age my son loved to have me chaperone his stuff! Now that he is 16, he's not quite as receptive. But there is definitely a difference in the relationships between sons and moms, and daughters and moms. I am so thankful if I could only have one, that it was a son. I think I'm better cut out for that role as a single mom. If I had a daughter...well, I think that would be much harder. Have fun at the dance!
If I had kids, they wouldn't be encouraged to pair off and have girlfriends or boyfriends until they were college age or older. I wouldn't even let my girls get dressed up sexy until they were 21. I'd be like my parents, I wouldn't focus on my girl's looks, I'd want them to be kids as long as possible and to teach them about life, using their brains and developing commonsense, not rushing to fall in love and get married. And I'd try to keep them out of trouble by getting them involved in all kinds of activities in sports, music and other hobbies. I'd basically keep them too busy to worry about having a boyfriend or sex. And I'd keep an eye out for predators and older boys like Killer. Grrrrr.
Yanno, at that age my son loved to have me chaperone his stuff! Now that he is 16, he's not quite as receptive.
LOL that's the truth!
Overnight it went from begging me to chaperone and attend every single function or field trip; to those polite requests starting with, "Not to be rude or anything" (I love it when they preface a sentence with that) "but I don't really want you to go to that." It's pretty funny, and yes I repsect their feelings and requests. At least I taught them how to communicate clearly, and ask for what they want directly and with consideration!
To this day I am honored when one of my boys invites me to meet one of his friends or attend an event.
You gotta loosen the leash a little by the time they start driving, Putting them in a car by themself or with another kid is kind of an Adult thing to let them do, If you give them that kind of responsibility, you have to be able to trust they have excellent judgement. Its important to shower them with love, attention and affection at that age (they'll make like they hate it) strong family ties keeps them from looking for those things out side of their family when they are too young.
You gotta loosen the leash a little by the time they start driving, Putting them in a car by themself or with another kid is kind of an Adult thing to let them do, If you give them that kind of responsibility, you have to be able to trust they have excellent judgement. Its important to shower them with love, attention and affection at that age (they'll make like they hate it) strong family ties keeps them from looking for those things out side of their family when they are too young.
No way Jose!!!! If I had teenage drivers, I would tighten the leash even further. All cellphones to be turned off while driving. No other kids in the car. I don't even want them tinkering with a GPS unit. Wherever they need to go, they will look it up on a map before they leave the house. No meandering in the car or any side trips. Driving is a privilege, not a right. At their age, it's not as if they could afford a car on their own. They will also attend autocross events with mom and dad to improve their car control skills. They will also learn how to maintain a car, change the oil, check the fluid levels and tire air pressures, and change a flat tire. Even the girls would have to go through this.
And before the age of 25, young people's decision making skills are actually very very poor and they are most likely to succumb to peer pressures to do stupid things.
16 for group dating. 17 for solo dating. I think any parent who lets their 14-year-old date one-on-one should have his or her head examined.
I know 12 and 13 year olds who get to go to the mall with their boyfriends. I don't know what their parents are thinking. They think it is so cute.
I wasn't allowed to date at all, or even have boys call the house. I won't be so strict on my kids though. 16 sounds ok.
Honestly, I don't even want to think about this topic!
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But there is definitely a difference in the relationships between sons and moms, and daughters and moms. I am so thankful if I could only have one, that it was a son. I think I'm better cut out for that role as a single mom. If I had a daughter...well, I think that would be much harder. Have fun at the dance!
