Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I control my kids as long as I control the money they have. Once they start working which can only be about age 16 except with parents consent at least in this state, they get more freedom. I think there's a small window of increasing freedom. At age 16, they can date in groups and then one on one at age 17 or 18, but there comes a point where they could join the military, marry, leave home, go off to college and they have to be ready by then to make it on their own.
If my kid borrows my car, then he/she will abide by my rules on when that car must be back home, if I still support them financially 100%, then the rules are mine and they know it. The main thing I think is to make sure they're mature enough to handle being dumped, to be mature to stand up for what they want or don't want, they have to be old enough to know that saying no is something they can do -- and that goes for any kind of relationships they have. If they date at 16, they should be the kind who are strong enough to set their own rules and how they will be treated.
I control my kids as long as I control the money they have. Once they start working which can only be about age 16 except with parents consent at least in this state, they get more freedom. I think there's a small window of increasing freedom. At age 16, they can date in groups and then one on one at age 17 or 18, but there comes a point where they could join the military, marry, leave home, go off to college and they have to be ready by then to make it on their own.
If my kid borrows my car, then he/she will abide by my rules on when that car must be back home, if I still support them financially 100%, then the rules are mine and they know it. The main thing I think is to make sure they're mature enough to handle being dumped, to be mature to stand up for what they want or don't want, they have to be old enough to know that saying no is something they can do -- and that goes for any kind of relationships they have. If they date at 16, they should be the kind who are strong enough to set their own rules and how they will be treated.
That was my point exactly. If I pay for my kids to go to college they will not be 100% financially independent until 22 (however financial support will NOT last longer) which will mean my REASONABLE rules will apply until then. By the time they are in college the only rules will be no alcohol/drugs, no moving in with GF/BF (and no 30 year old GF/BF), no getting arrested, and passing all their classes. The rules, however, will become far more reasonable and lenient as they get older, including by the age of 15/16.
If I pay for my kids to go to college they will not be 100% financially independent until 22 (however financial support will NOT last longer) which will mean my REASONABLE rules will apply until then.
By the time they are in college the only rules will be no alcohol/drugs, no moving in with GF/BF (and no 30 year old GF/BF), no getting arrested, and passing all their classes.
using money to control someone else is a really nasty relationship dynamic, whether parent-child, or husband-wife.
I married into a family that did that "I use money to control you" and also the corrollary "money equates love" and it is an utterly toxic ugly environment.
is that what you want to teach your kids that relationship is about? money is a form of controlling other people?
and i have news for you, once they go to college, you are living in a fantasy world of trying to legislate "no alcohol/drugs, no moving in with GF/BF (and no 30 year old GF/BF), no getting arrested, and passing all their classes" i'm guessing you haven't had a lot of real-life experience with young people who are middle-school, high-school, and college age.
when a kid moves out to go to college they are living their own life and making their own decisions, and to try and do that for them, to try to dictate and control their lives at age 18-22 is the equivalent of keeping them an emotional cripple, rather than nourishing and fostering a mature individual capable of taking responsibility for their choices and decisions.
Kids live up to the way they are treated. Treat them like someone incapable of making decisions, deprive them of the dignity of taking responsibility for the outcome of their decisions, and guarantee it, they will live down to your expectations of them.
using money to control someone else is a really nasty relationship dynamic, whether parent-child, or husband-wife.
I married into a family that did that "I use money to control you" and also the corrollary "money equates love" and it is an utterly toxic ugly environment.
is that what you want to teach your kids that relationship is about? money is a form of controlling other people?
and i have news for you, once they go to college, you are living in a fantasy world of trying to legislate "no alcohol/drugs, no moving in with GF/BF (and no 30 year old GF/BF), no getting arrested, and passing all their classes" i'm guessing you haven't had a lot of real-life experience with young people who are middle-school, high-school, and college age.
when a kid moves out to go to college they are living their own life and making their own decisions, and to try and do that for them, to try to dictate and control their lives at age 18-22 is the equivalent of keeping them an emotional cripple, rather than nourishing and fostering a mature individual capable of taking responsibility for their choices and decisions.
Kids live up to the way they are treated. Treat them like someone incapable of making decisions, deprive them of the dignity of taking responsibility for the outcome of their decisions, and guarantee it, they will live down to your expectations of them.
No alcohol/drugs I agree is impossible to regulate. However if they get CAUGHT with alcohol/drugs then they will know I will not like it.
If I'm paying for school they better be passing all their classes.
I'm hoping they will share my moral views and not choose to move in with BF/GF or at least to postpone it until they're mature enough to handle a more serious relationship.
No getting arrested...well obviously I don't want my kid to be committing crimes.
As far as using money to control them, I'm not talking about trying to control minor things. Only those MAJOR issues. I will not choose their classes, majors, activities, anything like that for them...that will be their decision and I'll only be there to guide them. There's also a difference because a husband/wife relationship is an EQUAL relationship. A parent/child relationship is not equal and an 18-22 year old is not FULLY grown. I'm not even talking about "control" necessarily...just guidance at an age when kids are still not as capable as older adults of making the best decisions.
Oh and as far as alcohol goes....that only applies until they turn 21.
Now as far as an 18 year old still in high school (which many 18 year olds are), the "control" will be at the same level as it was when they were 17 until they graduate.
Last edited by afoigrokerkok; 02-14-2009 at 06:59 PM..
He is 16 now, and to date, has not had a "girlfriend". I've always told him no dating until he turned 16, and the fact that he does not yet have a driver's license or a job, pretty much keeps his dating activities to a minimum. Also no going with other underage (<18) kids driving, period. All group plans (attending parties, proms, etc.) must be discussed and preapproved, and if I can't get in touch with the other parents to discuss, then it's a no go.
I'm sure many people do. You are entitled to your opinion, even though I did not ask for it.
I know you didn't but I though that was kind of the point of the forum.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
