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think of how you'd have sex in the early stages of dating
you take them out, flirt a little, have some fun, couple of beers, have a laugh, then one thing leads to another and BAM !!
you don't have sex with a new partner by washing the dishes for them, then saying "right, it's business time " !! "i claim my right as Man !"
The moral of this story is an old one: ladies, have a sexual affair with your man. Because if you don't, someone else will.
It's still sort of assumed it's the man wanting sex. Everything I've learned about sexless marriage says it's about 50/50. Maybe the men are willing to talk about it more? Maybe some of the women still feel it's 'wrong' for them to want sex?
To me, a huge part of this problem is the high desire person is desperately unhappy. The low desire person is happy as a clam and seems oblivious to the distress of their partner. The HD folks talk about this stuff. VERY rarely do you hear from the LD partner. Why is this? How can they be so blind to the fact their supposed partner, lover, friend, and companion is miserable because they feel unwanted? Why not just do it to make your partner happy?
the first one was almost the same as the wife, she had her new man lined up before she even left.
the one just now ? i thought it was good, very good. but it's all going horribly wrong now, ask me again in a couple of months.
we'll find out by then why she's leaving. maybe i'm just a lousy judge of character !
i think her abusive past has just left too many scars for her to deal with.
yes, i freely admit it's very difficult to trust someone, and i was petrified !!
probably i'd be better off on my own, but i get lonely after a while !!
i would also enter into it with eyes wide open, not expecting it to be a bed of roses, and that it would take hard work to get through the bad times.
Many of you seem to be interpretting this wrong. As I originally said from the beginning, "I love my wife without question". I am deeply in love with her. That's the part that hurts. I don't just want sex, I want to make love to my wife! Sure, I could go out and pick up a girl for sex, that's not what this is about. As for me, my part the marriage comittment was not to simply live in the same house together and share bills, but to love, share, be friends, laugh and give of yourself. This isn't happening in this case. Will I leave? Don't know yet........
There will be those who disagree, but IMHO, it is totally normal for a woman's interest in sex to diminish once she is past the "child bearing" years (i.e. 40ish). The reason being - our sex drive is put there for a reason - to reproduce! (stupid idea, I know). Men, can reproduce until they are dead - hence their interest never diminishes.
It is unfortunate that this happens. This is why older men often choose younger women the second time around - because their reproductive drive is still intact (regretfully, you too often get the unfortunate by-product of that - chidlren).
You might try bargaining with your wife. Seriously, there might be something in her life that she would be willing to "do it" for. A nice vacation? A nice piece of jewlery? A new car? Put down some terms and conditions. One a week for one year and honey, that new Cadillac is yours. Why not? Then everybody is happy.
Just don't be so tough on her. Really she is being normal. It is only us women who love our men so very, very much that we will do it without the bargaining.
20yrsinBranson
ACK oh please. The fact is studies show that during child REARING years, women's libido falls to next to nothing. As the children grow, becoming more independent, the woman's libido picks back up. Then during menopause, it goes up again - only spradically, depending on her symptoms of menopause. Once menopause is over, a woman who is being honest with herself, actually finds sex so wonderfully enjoyable - think, no more threat of pregnancy! Just wait until Mrs. Duggar goes through menopause!
I'm just jumping into this, but my first wife was the same way. Heck, it started the day after we were married and steadily got worse for the next 10 or 15 years until it finally ended completely. I gave it another 10-15 years of trying and being patient before I finally filed for an end to our 27-year marriage.
That's a big chunk out of one's life. I'm not saying it was years wasted, as we got along pretty well aside from that, raised a couple kids, had good jobs, good friends, etc. But considering how much happier one can be in a really great marriage, it's a shame to spend most of your prime sexual years with a partner who doesn't enjoy sex. For me it was more the lack of any kind of intimate communication and caring.
What those of you who never go through this don't understand is, in most (many?) cases the partner who doesn't want sex thinks (insists) that's (no sex) perfectly normal and sees those with an active libido as perverts. My ex insisted even after our divorce that we had no problems in our marriage -- that they were all in my head.
It was probably the last time I asked her for sex, maybe six months before the divorce. Her reply to my request: "No, you wouldn't be satisfied. You'd just want to do it again."
To which I said, "Fine. You tell me how often. How about once per decade?" She walked off in a huff.
I was a good husband by about anyone's definition; most would have said a damn good catch. (Then.) I tried everything, going to great lengths to make it a better marriage. Nothing worked.
After the divorce she told her friends that I'd left her so I could have "perverted sex". (That would be anything beyond a peck on the cheek.)
I can't say I made a huge mistake by staying married as long as I did. We had kids in school and I didn't want to split up the family. I still loved her. But don't plan on that kind of thing getting better. I was just so sure I could save that marriage... but it takes two.
Oh my. I'm so sorry. i went through something similar in reverse - only my ex-husband why physically and emotionally abusive. He thought I was a sex addict because I wanted sex once a year even would have been nice. I also stayed in the marriage for 27 years.
I am so happy he re-married - a nun (well not literally, but she'd have to be to live with him). I sent him brochures from the local friary. Obviously, he liked being married (having a slave) well enough to do it again.
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