My husband won't allow my 33-yr old daughter in our home (he's her stepfather) (wife, how to)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Right, I did let her down. He did not want the children at our house, he was not saying not to help her out. I was wrong in not offering an alternative (i.e., I'll keep them at your house) and yes, I was wrong for telling him what she said.
It is important for everyone to know that my daughter and I remain close. I know that I disappointed her, but she and I have moved beyond that - as you do when you truly love someone. There have been times in her life she has let me down (what child hasn't) but our love for one another remains a constant and is unconditional. I know she doesn't like my husband. Heck, I don't like a LOT of things about her new husband, but I don't let that get in the way of our relationship.
My husband's opinion is that it doesn't make him a bad person because he did not want the boys over that night. Her opinion is that it's half my house and I should have kept them at my house and - as someone here said - "dealt with the fallout" myself.
My children have a tendency to "use" me - or should I say, I enable them. I admit this openly. My husband has opened up my eyes to a lot of things and my children aren't happy about the fact that Mom has started saying "No". I obviously said "No" at the wrong place and time in this instance, but we all make mistakes.
I am 55 yrs old and have been married to my husband (who is 51) for almost 7 years. We have been living in “my” hometown (where my grown children/grandchildren live) for about 4 years and will soon be relocating to England, where he is from.
Up until about 6 months ago, there were never any real “issues” between my husband and my children, although I know they are not particularly fond of him. He is totally different from their father, and quite an opinionated person. My ex was a very non-confrontational person and we basically all either lived in denial or swept things under the carpet whenever “issues” would arise.
My oldest daughter is 33 and married with 3 children. One day, she rang me in tears. There was an emergency situation at work, it was a school holiday, etc etc and she wanted me to keep all 3 boys for the day. I rang my husband at work to “run it by him” because one of the things he is very opinionated about is his quiet time (i.e., downtime) after work. He raised 6 children in another life and he seems to have somewhat of a short fuse when all 3 boys are around (ages 8-10). He said he would rather I not keep them at my house that day. I felt put “in the middle” and instead of thinking of options (i.e., keeping the kids are my daughter’s house instead) I rang her to say that I could not keep them.
I was in tears. She was in tears. And my husband felt well within his rights with his decision.
At that point, my daughter informed me that she did not even like my husband and never did. She also said she never wanted the boys to be around him, and she also said he was not ever welcome at her house.
When I told my husband this (which I probably shouldn’t have), it INFURIATED him and his response was that my DAUGHTER was now not ever allowed in our yard or our house. He said the boys have nothing to do with it. He loves the boys. (Edited to add: The boys occasionally stay with us on week-ends, we take them to the movies, etc.)
So we’ve had this stalemate now and I hate it. On one hand, the house is half mine, too, and she IS my daughter … on the other hand, I do think my husband has a right to say when he does not particularly feel like having the boys around.
It’s created a very awkward situation and of course the boys know what’s going on. I have pleaded with both my husband and my daughter to please come together and discuss the situation because we will soon be moving overseas and I don’t want to leave this hanging, but it’s one of those situations where each one of them thinks they are right and have done nothing wrong.
At my son's wedding last October, my daughter did make an effort so speak to my husband. He briefly acknowledged her, but that was it. When I told him that I thought that was my daughter's way of trying to patch things up, his viewpoint was that he was not going to act as though everything was okay and just forget about it.
My daughter just remarried two weeks ago and although both me and my husband were officially invited to the wedding, he refused to go so there I was sitting on the front pew next to my EX husband instead of sitting with my current husband. It was embarrassing for me and there were loads of, “Where’s Tony?” questions.
I don’t know what to do (as if there’s anything I even CAN do) and I don’t know who is right and who is wrong. What I DO know is that I am stuck in the middle and neither my daughter NOR my husband seem to care. Or at least that’s my perspective on the whole thing.
I’d really love some outside feedback, suggestions, etc. Thanks so much.
YOU have fences to mend. Things escalated on your watch due to your actions. That's the nuts and bolts of it.
Right, I did let her down. He did not want the children at our house, he was not saying not to help her out. I was wrong in not offering an alternative (i.e., I'll keep them at your house) and yes, I was wrong for telling him what she said.
It is important for everyone to know that my daughter and I remain close. I know that I disappointed her, but she and I have moved beyond that - as you do when you truly love someone. There have been times in her life she has let me down (what child hasn't) but our love for one another remains a constant and is unconditional. I know she doesn't like my husband. Heck, I don't like a LOT of things about her new husband, but I don't let that get in the way of our relationship.
My husband's opinion is that it doesn't make him a bad person because he did not want the boys over that night. Her opinion is that it's half my house and I should have kept them at my house and - as someone here said - "dealt with the fallout" myself.
My children have a tendency to "use" me - or should I say, I enable them. I admit this openly. My husband has opened up my eyes to a lot of things and my children aren't happy about the fact that Mom has started saying "No". I obviously said "No" at the wrong place and time in this instance, but we all make mistakes.
It's good that you are owning up to your responsibility for the decisions you have made. I sympathize with your daughter and your husband. Your daughter for needing to count on you on an emergency to have the boys with you. Your husband for being co-owner of the home and not wanting to have to deal with the kids.
But as it is only for ONE night, and it was an EMERGENCY, he should've just had your daughter promise it to be ONE NIGHT ONLY and no more and be willing to take them in. As long as there was some kind of boundary established, it should have been done.
Everyone has their limits. Some people refused to be enablers. I can see how your husband doesn't want to be one, especially if he feels you have been taken advantage of in the past by your children. That is why it is important to establish boundaries and negotiate terms so no one gets enabled.
I had a marriage that started out that way. Things just grew worse as time went on. I divorced the jerk and left him high and dry with the 400 lb loser he was cheating on me with.
If I were you, I'd get out now. Hope things work out for you.
If I were your daughter, I would not make amends with the step dad. Your daughter extended the Olive branch by inviting the both of you to the wedding. Your husband crushed it by not going.
You are sending the clear message to your daughter that your husband comes first, even in emergencies. Just know that before you go to England.
Your husband is unreasonable and rigid. Tell him I said so if you dare.
Your daughter NEEDED you in a crisis and you let her down, big time - shame on you for acquecsing to his unreasonable demand. I think you owe her an apology and you owe it to yourself to think long and hard about continuing to live with someone who would be so cold and unfeeling toward your flesh and blood.
Based on the info provided, it seems like the OP created the situation by asking husband for "permission" to watch the grandkids in an emergency situation - knowing fully well what his answer would be.
It sounds like OP didn't really want to watch the boys, and that one poor decision begat a string of other bad decisions that have mushroomed into a family feud. Based on further comments about "enabling" as a mother, I think OP would benefit from professional counseling. There are some deeper problems here.
Right, I did let her down. He did not want the children at our house, he was not saying not to help her out. I was wrong in not offering an alternative (i.e., I'll keep them at your house) and yes, I was wrong for telling him what she said.
It is important for everyone to know that my daughter and I remain close. I know that I disappointed her, but she and I have moved beyond that - as you do when you truly love someone. There have been times in her life she has let me down (what child hasn't) but our love for one another remains a constant and is unconditional. I know she doesn't like my husband. Heck, I don't like a LOT of things about her new husband, but I don't let that get in the way of our relationship.
My husband's opinion is that it doesn't make him a bad person because he did not want the boys over that night. Her opinion is that it's half my house and I should have kept them at my house and - as someone here said - "dealt with the fallout" myself.
My children have a tendency to "use" me - or should I say, I enable them. I admit this openly. My husband has opened up my eyes to a lot of things and my children aren't happy about the fact that Mom has started saying "No". I obviously said "No" at the wrong place and time in this instance, but we all make mistakes.
I'm not trying to beat a dead horse, but their opinions are irrelevant. The only opinion that mattered in this particular situation was yours. As an adult, you exercise your common sense and say..This is an emergency (an exception), I'll deal with the ramifications of MY decision later.
Now what's done is done and your husband and your daughter are adults. You can have relationships with both independent of their relationship with each other. You are their only common thread, but you are not required to stitch together a "new" family. Just don't forget that you are an adult and entitled to think for youself and form your own judgments and opinions, without worrying about incurring the wrath of one of them.
Right, I did let her down. He did not want the children at our house, he was not saying not to help her out. I was wrong in not offering an alternative (i.e., I'll keep them at your house) and yes, I was wrong for telling him what she said.
It is important for everyone to know that my daughter and I remain close. I know that I disappointed her, but she and I have moved beyond that - as you do when you truly love someone. There have been times in her life she has let me down (what child hasn't) but our love for one another remains a constant and is unconditional. I know she doesn't like my husband. Heck, I don't like a LOT of things about her new husband, but I don't let that get in the way of our relationship.
My husband's opinion is that it doesn't make him a bad person because he did not want the boys over that night. Her opinion is that it's half my house and I should have kept them at my house and - as someone here said - "dealt with the fallout" myself.
My children have a tendency to "use" me - or should I say, I enable them. I admit this openly. My husband has opened up my eyes to a lot of things and my children aren't happy about the fact that Mom has started saying "No". I obviously said "No" at the wrong place and time in this instance, but we all make mistakes.
I'll tell you the truth...I was all ready to join the list of those wanting to rip your husband a 'new one'---until I read the last paragraph
Seems as though he might be able to see more objectively what your kids are up to, and his alleged 'surliness and attitude' is his way of saying 'I've got your back...their days of getting over on Mom are done'
Now, I could be as wrong as a bag of 3-dollar bills on this one, but that's how it looked to these old eyes...that's probably why they may not 'like' him, because he HAS opened your eyes to some of their shenannigans, and to them he's the 'evil-always-say-NO stepdad'...and I applaud you for finding the strength to say NO...sometimes it's necessary, and if they don't like it, well then tell them (or better yet, have HIM tell them LOL) to find some tools, build a bridge, and get over it, because the rules have changed
Last edited by captaincatfish; 04-20-2010 at 03:00 PM..
Reason: added a word :-)
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ahhh...NOW I Understand
