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I can assure you I am very happy and content -- and free. And sometimes I wish I had less say in how things run around here. Responsibility is a heavy burden. I shouldered it alone for my entire 28 year marriage the first time around. I shouldered responsibility from the time I was 10 for my siblings and my mother's care. My careers were ones of very heavy responsibility. It is nice to have someone else shoulder the responsibilities. With the "perk" of ruling his kingdom, he accepted complete responsibility. And I got freedom- from that responsibility. It was a win-win situation for us. We are partners in all things.
We both know it won't work with anyone else for us. If anything happens to him, I will simply take back the responsibility I so willingly gave up. It took a man stronger than I for me to trust and allow him to take responsibility. There are very few men as strong as or stronger than I am.
It's not a selling short. It's a different dynamic. I have needs he meets: he has needs I meet. We have probably a more equal relationship than those where things are 50:50.
But chains can be freeing.
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[b]Yup, voluntarily and willingly and it's our contract. As with all contracts, there are gives and takes. You mentioned a power balance - I don't see our relationship as one that's titled in his favor - I see it as me getting all the perks - he sees it as him getting the perks. It's all in perspective. And it works for us. If I don't tell people, they don't see our dynamic as different - what they see is a couple very intune with each other and caring.
My first thought is, what in the heck went so bad in your life to cause you to want to give up all your power and live this way. It's really sad to me, but hey, it's your life to waste.
I'm sorry but its YOUR daughter and there was an EMERGENCY and you SHOULDN"T need to ask for PERMISSION to take care of your GRANDKIDS in such a situation. WTF??? This is exactly why I'll never get married but I'm also smarter than if I EVER did get married, I wouldn't marry a DICK like this..
Yes, this is a good example of why people with kids should think long and hard about marrying again. The husband expects a quiet house, the adult child expects a place for her own kids as needed - and the OP is caught in the middle. The problem is - either the wife has to give up seeing her home as a place her kids are free to visit and use, or the husband has to accept a loud house filled with kids and give up peace and quiet.
Even with adult children there are problems and the only way to really keep freedom is to remain single.
After reading your posts, you may or may not like what I am going to say but you kind of brought this on yourself.
Here's my take. Your children are your children. However, when you married this man, he accepted the whole package. I would hate to think a child could not depend on a parent in their time of dire need. For that, I am dissappointed in you. I understand your children are grown and may have manipulated you in the past but that brings me back to my initial statement...you allowed such behavior.
What else do you expect? If you give someone permission to run your life, whether it be a child or spouse, they are going to do it.
It's not your place to play referee, we are talking about adults here. If she doesn't like him and vice versa then that is on them to work it out for your benefit. You on the other hand need to let your stance be known. You are his wife and you are their mother. Because of the blood running in your veins which you have passed onto your children, their welfare should be first over any man. Make that known to your husband. While you love him and respect him, your duty to your children in their time of need is a priority and he should have your back. If he is not willing to accept such, then you have problems that go beyond this scenario.
I don't agree that the husband agreed to the whole package. I have a feeling he didn't see adult children being part of the package. He probably thought with the children being adults, and his own children don't expect the same kinds of babysitting arrangements that he failed to consider different kinds of family responsibilities and child care arrangements.
It's hard enough for young people in their early 20s with little baggage making things work but for older people who are more set in their ways and come with much more baggage, it's far worse in many cases.
And it's not about one being right and the other being wrong in a case like this, it's just about very different viewpoints -- which should have been worked out before marrying - and maybe there would be no marriage.
Right, I did let her down. He did not want the children at our house, he was not saying not to help her out. I was wrong in not offering an alternative (i.e., I'll keep them at your house) and yes, I was wrong for telling him what she said.
It is important for everyone to know that my daughter and I remain close. I know that I disappointed her, but she and I have moved beyond that - as you do when you truly love someone. There have been times in her life she has let me down (what child hasn't) but our love for one another remains a constant and is unconditional. I know she doesn't like my husband. Heck, I don't like a LOT of things about her new husband, but I don't let that get in the way of our relationship.
My husband's opinion is that it doesn't make him a bad person because he did not want the boys over that night. Her opinion is that it's half my house and I should have kept them at my house and - as someone here said - "dealt with the fallout" myself.
My children have a tendency to "use" me - or should I say, I enable them. I admit this openly. My husband has opened up my eyes to a lot of things and my children aren't happy about the fact that Mom has started saying "No". I obviously said "No" at the wrong place and time in this instance, but we all make mistakes.
There's a reason in the wedding ceremony that there's that part about "leaving father and mother blah blah blah to make a new life" because marriage is about two people becoming like one.
For older people that might mean "leaving children" instead of parents. Neither of you is right or wrong, but you have to decide what marriage really is - because if it was him on here presenting his side of the story, many would see it from his point of view.
Your daughter has to also accept that things changed when you decided to marry. She needs to respect you as part of a couple now, a new household that might not be the same as what she was used to. Much like parents have to let go when their children marry and respect that the relationship with their child has changed.
because if it was him on here presenting his side of the story, many would see it from his point of view.
Whatever his point of view is, refusing to yield the place for children is unsettling. It's only one day as well! Selfish much?
It doesn't matter if you hate the daughter or whatever, but to deny innocent children a safe place and open the possibility for the children to be neglected puts the man in my d-bag book
Whatever his point of view is, refusing to yield the place for children is unsettling. It's only one day as well! Selfish much?
It doesn't matter if you hate the daughter or whatever, but to deny innocent children a safe place and open the possibility for the children to be neglected puts the man in my d-bag book
I don't buy it. At age 33, this child is old enough to be an adult and find back up babysitting arrangements. What of the daughter's husband? Neighbors? Siblings? In-laws? Day care facilities?
Many 33 year old parents make it all on their own, they may not even have living parents to expect will be there at all hours of the day and evening and night. Or what about people whose parents live in another town?
The time for a mother wanting to always be the emergency back-up plan for her adult children to think about it is before remarrying -- discuss this kind of thing with the potential fiance before hand.
If you want your home always open and the kids showing up with their kids any time they like -- then make sure your partner understands and accepts that before making any committment.
And it's up to the parent when they remarry to make sure their kids understand times have changed -- or just don't remarry and make it simple.
I also believe the daughter should have included her mother's husband. My dad was widowed, and when he remarried, I would not have dreamed of dumping the kids off with him for any length of time without considering his wife's willingness to have them. And what might go over when he was still single, I wouldn't assume were unchanged after he remarried.
I don't buy it. At age 33, this child is old enough to be an adult and find back up babysitting arrangements. What of the daughter's husband? Neighbors? Siblings? In-laws? Day care facilities?
I agree that the child is old enough to be an adult and find back up.
However, what if it truly was a spontaneous meeting? And everyone else was busy? Because from the response of the OP, the daughter had to skip the meeting and stayed home with the children instead.
Whatever the situation is, the husband of the OPer didn't have the right to deny the grandchildren. What he should've done was allow the OP to take in the children and then have a talk with her about this issue.
I don't buy it. At age 33, this child is old enough to be an adult and find back up babysitting arrangements. What of the daughter's husband? Neighbors? Siblings? In-laws? Day care facilities?
Many 33 year old parents make it all on their own, they may not even have living parents to expect will be there at all hours of the day and evening and night. Or what about people whose parents live in another town?
The time for a mother wanting to always be the emergency back-up plan for her adult children to think about it is before remarrying -- discuss this kind of thing with the potential fiance before hand.
If you want your home always open and the kids showing up with their kids any time they like -- then make sure your partner understands and accepts that before making any committment.
And it's up to the parent when they remarry to make sure their kids understand times have changed -- or just don't remarry and make it simple.
I totally agree with you. To me, the thought of a 33 year old woman crying to mom over a "work" emergency seems ridiculous.
By that age you simply should not be making these kinds of demands on mom. If it were a 9-11 emergency, perhaps... in that situation a person starts at the top of the list and works down. But a work emergency, you use mom for that because you know better than to ask your friends to rearrange their lives for the sake of your job.
Isn't there a difference between a man taking a lot of responsibility within a marriage or household and being controlling?
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