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Old 02-19-2018, 04:43 AM
 
Location: Colorado Springs
4,858 posts, read 4,974,759 times
Reputation: 17353

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I let our children know that they are always welcome in our home but I really doubt that they would ever need or want to return because we also made sure that they were extremely well educated. As a result, they are all pursuing remunerative careers.

When I was younger and my father had died at 49 and left my stay-at-home mother to take care of 7 children, we practiced giving within our own family. Fortunately, my father had also emphasized education and we 7 kids all finished college; four of us even finished grad school.

When mom retired and had only Social Security as an income, we bought a small house, let her live there rent free, and each gave her a monthly check to supplement her income. When she died, settling her estate was really simple. All she had was the things in her house that we had given her. We took them back or just sent them to Goodwill.

Charity begins at home. But I also think self reliance also begins at home. If I had a sibling that had been totally irresponsible, I'd have a hard time giving them money or a free room because I'd just be feeding their dependency.

Behaviors have consequences. My father taught me that well before he died.
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Old 02-19-2018, 04:58 AM
 
1,109 posts, read 1,822,536 times
Reputation: 4702
OP, can you explain how this conversation goes? Do they approach you in a joking manner or do they try to play the guilt card?

I wonder where they buy their pants, cause look at the b*lls on them!
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Old 02-19-2018, 06:22 AM
 
4,009 posts, read 3,231,535 times
Reputation: 13090
Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post
That is the most accurate assessment of the opinions expressed. We have not allowed ourselves to become doormats. We are tired of the continually expressed opinion that somehow 'we owe them' because we haven't squandered all our opportunities.

Two stories come to mind:
  • The Parable of the Talents in the Bible
  • The children's story of The Little Red Hen.

I see The Little Red Hen as the most appropriate for this situation. We have already decided we will be the Little Red Hen and her Rooster!

So apparently Ourselves, Lodestar, and a couple of Lodestar's friends are the only ones who have to endure this. Or a lot of others are simply keeping their fingers off their keyboards. I am guessing the second sentence is the most accurate.
If you are getting continually expressed opinions that you owe them, then you are letting them express that opinion continually. It seems that you are enjoying that, otherwise you would have squelched that conversation the first time it happened, with a "No, you are not moving in with us. We saved all our lives for this. This is not open for conversation anymore."

I think you like the drama.
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Old 02-19-2018, 06:37 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,651 posts, read 17,632,423 times
Reputation: 27754
I try to be humane and thoughtful. If someone recently had something unexpected occur where they lost everything, I'd try to help. Depending on the relative, that might mean having them move in with me temporarily. With that said, the expectation would be that the move would be temporary, and that said relative would take concrete steps to get back on their own.
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Old 02-19-2018, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,072 posts, read 17,406,151 times
Reputation: 41608
Quote:
Originally Posted by EastBoundandDownChick View Post
I always take care of family. So I already told my mom, brother, etc. if they really need a place you have one.

To me, that's caring. But I wouldn't let anyone take advantage of me either.

It's up to you to know the difference.
Excellent post.
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Old 02-19-2018, 09:33 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,737 posts, read 4,750,544 times
Reputation: 28372
Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post
So apparently Ourselves, Lodestar, and a couple of Lodestar's friends are the only ones who have to endure this. Or a lot of others are simply keeping their fingers off their keyboards. I am guessing the second sentence is the most accurate.
I can't speak for anyone else.

In terms of finances, I am at least 10 times better off than my so-called family but no, I don't have to endure being guilted by them. From my earliest childhood recollection, each (father, mother, older sister) treated me as a complete outsider, ignored my emotional needs but popped up whenever they had a use for me or thought I should give them something. My sister and her family planned a two-week trip to Disneyland without consulting me and called to let me know they'd be taking over my house. I informed her she was not welcome there, the house was being remodeled and that we lived 40 miles from Anaheim in any event.

That's the kind of crap they pull. I'm "family" only when it works for them. I called my mother 12 years ago to let her know I was about to get married to my long-time SO. She laughed for a full minute. A real har-dee-har-har.

A couple of years ago Mom, ever the narcissist, was teed off because I had a close and loving relationship with my mother-in-law. So she tried to kill it with the assistance of my sister. I told them they were both in the No Contact zone for life. There's no coming back from that.

So my relatives aren't decent human beings but I'm guessing your wife still holds out hope for hers, is that right, OP?

There are two ways to go with such people. You can go Limited or Low Contact. You decide how often you want to engage with them (say, once every 3 months, for example) and enforce that. Or you can go No Contact, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Good luck with whatever you choose.
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Old 02-19-2018, 09:55 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas/SF Peninsula/South Lake Tahoe
2,049 posts, read 1,335,021 times
Reputation: 1340
OP, I hope that you and your wife enjoy a wonderful and unencumbered retirement.
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Old 02-19-2018, 10:00 AM
 
382 posts, read 353,823 times
Reputation: 1999
No relative has asked for help. I came from a family of 7. No experience but I would not be inclined to "enable" but would be inclined to "help" for a short period. One time my brother-in-law was unemployed for three years. My husband and I took sister/brother-in-law on fully paid vacation for a week...just to give them a little relief from the stress. Years later I found out that they bought a new bedroom set the next week. I never said anything....just a little disappointed in them. We gave the gift willingly and that is how gifts would be done.
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Old 02-19-2018, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Henderson, NV
3,460 posts, read 2,259,012 times
Reputation: 36587
I'm wondering why the relatives set your retirement as their "move in" date. Why then? If they were serious, I'd think they'd have moved in before this. I think they're yanking your chain. Just sayin'.
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Old 02-19-2018, 10:45 AM
 
1,838 posts, read 793,362 times
Reputation: 3385
Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post
More than one of my wife's siblings has indicated they want/expect to move in with my wife and I as we approach and enter retirement. They will all be entering retirement dead broke. My wife's response is that she wants to move to Thailand and volunteer in an Elephant Rescue to get away from her family, their constant using of her and emotional toil they dump on her (us). I reminded my wife that she does not like Thai food, but she said she didn't care about that.

Anyone else have this or similar situation? We can't be the only ones faced with a duty to self and duty to dysfunctional 'family' dilemma.

We live three hours away but fear that isn't far enough. I countered Thailand with a Red Deer preserve in New Zealand.
Well indicate the answer is a resounding NO! Just because they are dead broke doesn't mean you and your wife need to put them up. Only you and she can allow the emotional turmoil, it is time to say NO and mean it.
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