Daily Joke Thread (West: for rent, to move, celebrities)

[elnina]

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it..... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our up coming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started....
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gasoline station.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. For some reason I ordered first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
The waiter said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

[ChiccaTX]

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards.

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

[ChiccaTX]

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN



D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
hours.
http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f93509%5fAEgXw0MAARscSx2XMAFVKEZkI SQ&pid=2.2.2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)


E M T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.


http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f93509%5fAEgXw0MAARscSx2XMAFVKEZkI SQ&pid=2.2.2.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)



ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.


http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f93509%5fAEgXw0MAARscSx2XMAFVKEZkI SQ&pid=2.2.2.4&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)




P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, prevents conception.


http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f93509%5fAEgXw0MAARscSx2XMAFVKEZkI SQ&pid=2.2.2.5&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f93509%5fAEgXw0MAARscSx2XMAFVKEZkI SQ&pid=2.2.2.6&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)


F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f93509%5fAEgXw0MAARscSx2XMAFVKEZkI SQ&pid=2.2.2.7&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)


M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."



http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f93509%5fAEgXw0MAARscSx2XMAFVKEZkI SQ&pid=2.2.2.8&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)


BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f93509%5fAEgXw0MAARscSx2XMAFVKEZkI SQ&pid=2.2.2.9&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)



J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.


http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f93509%5fAEgXw0MAARscSx2XMAFVKEZkI SQ&pid=2.2.2.10&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)




A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f93509%5fAEgXw0MAARscSx2XMAFVKEZkI SQ&pid=2.2.2.11&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)




N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.
http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f93509%5fAEgXw0MAARscSx2XMAFVKEZkI SQ&pid=2.2.2.12&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (broken link)

[elnina]

Amazing simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.


Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

[mkfarnam]

Originally Posted by elnina

Amazing simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Couldn't stop laughing about your "daily thought"

[crazedchef]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
> Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at
> the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
>
> The blondes all nodded.
>
> The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
> Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To
> be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
> notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars
> and so forth.."
>
> So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
> withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice
> any distinguishing features about this man?"
>
> The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
>
> The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye
> in this picture! It's a profile of his face!
> You're dismissed!"
>
> The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
>
> The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
> face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you?
> Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
>
> "Yes! He only has one ear!"
>
> The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you
> hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's
> face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
>
> The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
>
> The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
> said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..."
> He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew
> it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or
> unusual about this man?"
>
> The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The
> detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking
> at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a
> puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he
> wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his
> picture?"
>
> The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With
> only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[crazedchef]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say '$HIT,' the Rottweiler ate her!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

[crazedchef]

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more..

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.



The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do.

Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned

to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin,

was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'



Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!









Why ???









OH, come on... take a guess !!!









Think about it !!!









You're going to love this !!!



Everyone knows....



You can't kill Two Birds



with OneStone !!!

[elnina]

Where do red headed babies come from?


After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said.. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex? '

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!'
The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'

[ChiccaTX]

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT