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Cecilia, I am so sorry for you and your family. My thoughts are with you.
I have been wanting to ask about my father here for a few months since he was diagnosed with lung cancer. At first, the surgeon told him it was operable and they would remove it and a dose of chemo later he would be fine. Well, they opened him up and found it spread through the whole lung, and closed him back up. Then, they gave him the horrid chemo that makes you sick, lose weight and hair, and just want to crawl in a hole for two months. That did nothing at all.
Now, he is on a pill form of chemo (starts with a t) once a day and he has radiation every day. It has been two and a half weeks and apparently it has shrunk the tumor tremendously. My father goes in to work half a day everyday during this (his choice) and he said he is breathing better than he has in years!
We are keeping our fingers crossed right now, we know he'll never be cured but hopefully it can be managed. Make sure your mom gets many opinions from doctors. My father lives in small town upstate NY but he has gone to Sloan Kettering in NYC for consultations. I'm just so happy we finally found the right way to fight his cancer.
I hope all the best for your family.
Dawn
Dawn, that is wonderful. Cancer has never come into my life or my families, but I can just imagine how horrible it must be for the person and their family. I will cross my fingers for your father too.
Location: When things get hot they expand. Im not fat. Im hot.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katzenfreund
Cecilia,
I am glad your Mom isn't having any bad side effects from the chemo. When are they going to run tests to see if it is working? How are you doing with it all?
Hugs
Katz
We go March 6 for an update on her condition. Since she hasnt had any side effects makes me wonder if they might up her dosage. Huz is still in the hospital and the roofers are progressing on her roof. Im doing okay. Im wore out from working extra to pay for the roof and running between the two of them and Im getting fat. I think Ive over medicated myself with chocolate and carbs.
Chocolate is good for you and helping you deal with the stress, probably! I hope there is such a thing as good karma, because you'll have some good coming to you in the future. Your Mom is really lucky to have you, I hope she knows and appreciates that.
Hugs
Katz
We go March 6 for an update on her condition. Since she hasnt had any side effects makes me wonder if they might up her dosage. Huz is still in the hospital and the roofers are progressing on her roof. Im doing okay. Im wore out from working extra to pay for the roof and running between the two of them and Im getting fat. I think Ive over medicated myself with chocolate and carbs.
Try to keep your chin up. I know how difficult it is caring for 2 people and being the only one as my one sister lived on the other coast and the closer one wasn't speaking to my parents. You have the weight of the world on your shoulders.
I can imagine how hard it is to care for someone like that, my dad was the complete opposite and a joy to be around, even during the aggressive chemo he got where he was in the hospital for a month. He even smiled when my mother said she didn't want him home.
Anyway, you need to vent & don't feel bad about that. We are not there and some of us even know what it's like to have a mother like that.
fwiw, not all chemo is bad. There are different types for different cancers. I do agree with what people have said here for your mom's situation as I don't doubt her quality of life will go down a lot in the next few months. My friends hubby went through it and passed within a year. He had no quality of life for the last probably 6 or 8 months so I'm not sure how worth it it was in his case. For my dad, it gave him more time to get his life in order, to enjoy another thanksgiving & Christmas. Two years later I still thank him for giving me that extra time because we made it worth it.
Location: When things get hot they expand. Im not fat. Im hot.
2,520 posts, read 6,327,828 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr
Try to keep your chin up. I know how difficult it is caring for 2 people and being the only one as my one sister lived on the other coast and the closer one wasn't speaking to my parents. You have the weight of the world on your shoulders.
I can imagine how hard it is to care for someone like that, my dad was the complete opposite and a joy to be around, even during the aggressive chemo he got where he was in the hospital for a month. He even smiled when my mother said she didn't want him home.
Anyway, you need to vent & don't feel bad about that. We are not there and some of us even know what it's like to have a mother like that.
fwiw, not all chemo is bad. There are different types for different cancers. I do agree with what people have said here for your mom's situation as I don't doubt her quality of life will go down a lot in the next few months. My friends hubby went through it and passed within a year. He had no quality of life for the last probably 6 or 8 months so I'm not sure how worth it it was in his case. For my dad, it gave him more time to get his life in order, to enjoy another thanksgiving & Christmas. Two years later I still thank him for giving me that extra time because we made it worth it.
My chins are up. Sorry about the crabbing. I think I was suffering from a Mom overdose from being around her every day. Before this all started it was only a few days a week. And then I was busy cleaning house etc so all her complaining was just background noise. Also before the cancer I usually just ignored it or told her to knock it off.
I think I got a little delusional there for a minute. I dont know what made me think that just because she has cancer and shes dieing she's gonna turn into a "nice old lady" and we were gonna have this wonderful Mother daughter bonding experience. I feel sorry for her but I cant make her be happy. I know this. I learned it a long time ago. I just forgot.
Ive been reading a lot. Also a lot of you kind folks have shared much valuable info and real life
experiences. Things are going to get worse. A lot worse. I think what kinda set me off there for a minute was Im thinking you havent even begun this journey. What are you going to do when the seas really get really rough. You see Mom and I are total opposites. Ive always focused on what I do have. Ive never understood why you would choose to make yourself miserable. But then again she doesnt understand me either.
Your Dad sounds like he was a joy to be around. Ive always envied peeps like you. Sorry your sibs werent there to help you. Dont feel sad for me Ive always been an only. Im used to it. Also if youre an only you dont have to listen to other peoples opinions. BTDT with my Great Gram, Gram , Uncle and Inlaws. . Big family catfights. The more removed peeps are the more they think you should be doing.
Its funny how we always think we're the only ones with wonky families and everybody else lives in Ozzie and Harriet land. Then you venture out of your box a little and you find out nobody else lives there either.
Oh and if I start getting whinny you all have my permission to give me a verbal whack. I may put up with it from her. But I wont tolerate it from me. And Im sure as it goes on shes gonna wear off on me just from being around her so much. My sense of humour has returned. I dont know if thats good or bad.
I'm so sorry - I know someone who had stage IV lung cancer. It was a while ago, but the research I did suggested that MD Anderson in TX is a very cutting edge facility about 6 months to a year ahead in the treatments then many other places are. Have you tried contacting them (not sure if that was an option or not)?
My chins are up. Sorry about the crabbing. I think I was suffering from a Mom overdose from being around her every day. Before this all started it was only a few days a week. And then I was busy cleaning house etc so all her complaining was just background noise. Also before the cancer I usually just ignored it or told her to knock it off.
I think I got a little delusional there for a minute. I dont know what made me think that just because she has cancer and shes dieing she's gonna turn into a "nice old lady" and we were gonna have this wonderful Mother daughter bonding experience. I feel sorry for her but I cant make her be happy. I know this. I learned it a long time ago. I just forgot.
Ive been reading a lot. Also a lot of you kind folks have shared much valuable info and real life
experiences. Things are going to get worse. A lot worse. I think what kinda set me off there for a minute was Im thinking you havent even begun this journey. What are you going to do when the seas really get really rough. You see Mom and I are total opposites. Ive always focused on what I do have. Ive never understood why you would choose to make yourself miserable. But then again she doesnt understand me either.
Your Dad sounds like he was a joy to be around. Ive always envied peeps like you. Sorry your sibs werent there to help you. Dont feel sad for me Ive always been an only. Im used to it. Also if youre an only you dont have to listen to other peoples opinions. BTDT with my Great Gram, Gram , Uncle and Inlaws. . Big family catfights. The more removed peeps are the more they think you should be doing.
Its funny how we always think we're the only ones with wonky families and everybody else lives in Ozzie and Harriet land. Then you venture out of your box a little and you find out nobody else lives there either.
Oh and if I start getting whinny you all have my permission to give me a verbal whack. I may put up with it from her. But I wont tolerate it from me. And Im sure as it goes on shes gonna wear off on me just from being around her so much. My sense of humour has returned. I dont know if thats good or bad.
I haven't posted anything near how screwed up my family is as I can't right now, but oh how I need to vent. Most I can say is I've always been a daddy's girl, & my son has been grandpa's boy and people were very jealous of it.
My dad was a joy. He was the greatest guy and during his cancer, even the nurses loved him. He was the opposite of your mother, never complained (even after getting a chunk of bone out of his hip twice) and used to wait until I got there to take care of stuff for him instead of bothering the nurses who he knew were busy. At one appointment the doctor told him he wouldn't be around much longer.. my dad looked at me and said he was sorry that it looked like he wouldn't make it for 3/02, my birthday which was his next goal to be alive for. I wish the doctor was honest and told me how little time he did have. He was gone by the next week.
I highly doubt you will get that mother/daughter bonding experience and you will probably be lucky if she says thank you & that she loves you. The person I mentioned in my other post that had lung cancer reminds me of your mom. The wife (in her 60's); cared for her hubby by herself; not once did he even appreciate all she'd done for him. Same story, he was determined to fight it, they'd opened him up & found it spread. Chemo wouldn't do anything for him but he persisted; like he never heard what the doctors said to him. Unlike my friend, you can go home & get away from it. In the end, you will know that you did everything possible for her & tried.
If you need to vent and whine (lol) come right back here and do that. It's the only way you are going to get through this without having a nervous breakdown.
FWIW, if I posted the things I need to vent about people wouldn't believe it. Things like that only happen in the movies. I am finding out that every family has some issues.
Location: When things get hot they expand. Im not fat. Im hot.
2,520 posts, read 6,327,828 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr
I haven't posted anything near how screwed up my family is as I can't right now, but oh how I need to vent. Most I can say is I've always been a daddy's girl, & my son has been grandpa's boy and people were very jealous of it.
My dad was a joy. He was the greatest guy and during his cancer, even the nurses loved him. He was the opposite of your mother, never complained (even after getting a chunk of bone out of his hip twice) and used to wait until I got there to take care of stuff for him instead of bothering the nurses who he knew were busy. At one appointment the doctor told him he wouldn't be around much longer.. my dad looked at me and said he was sorry that it looked like he wouldn't make it for 3/02, my birthday which was his next goal to be alive for. I wish the doctor was honest and told me how little time he did have. He was gone by the next week.
I highly doubt you will get that mother/daughter bonding experience and you will probably be lucky if she says thank you & that she loves you. The person I mentioned in my other post that had lung cancer reminds me of your mom. The wife (in her 60's); cared for her hubby by herself; not once did he even appreciate all she'd done for him. Same story, he was determined to fight it, they'd opened him up & found it spread. Chemo wouldn't do anything for him but he persisted; like he never heard what the doctors said to him. Unlike my friend, you can go home & get away from it. In the end, you will know that you did everything possible for her & tried.
If you need to vent and whine (lol) come right back here and do that. It's the only way you are going to get through this without having a nervous breakdown.
FWIW, if I posted the things I need to vent about people wouldn't believe it. Things like that only happen in the movies. I am finding out that every family has some issues.
Oh that poor lady. To be imprisoned with someone like that could just wring all the joy right out of you. I do hope shes living a good life now. She deserves it.
Your Dad was definitly a joy. Every time they take Moms blood pressure she acts like theyre killing her. And if things dont go her way she holds a grudge. And complains about how badly that person treated her to everybody else who comes in the room. And she remembers every slight. Shes still complaining about stuff that happened a month ago. And dont forget the stuff her brother did to her when they were kids. LOL. Some of the things she complained of are starting to come true. Shes so demanding and unpleasant that some of the aides ARE ignoring her. Im truly afraid that something bad will happen to her and no one will believe her.
Some may consider me an evil child but Ive decided that just because shes old and sick doesnt give her free reign to be a poop. Believe it or not thngs are worse than when I first posted but Im better if that makes any sense. And yes you are right going home helps. So does cutting back on the daily visits and doing more phone calls. So does smacking the Huz. He can take it. He owes me big time for all the crap hes put me thru. But thats another story.
Ive tried to explain to her that bullying the aides and complaining about every little nit fricking thing its going to get her anywhere but it just falls on deaf ears. Ive had six calls today so far. The last one because the lady in the next bed is getting special treatment. She probably is. The lady in the next bed is pleasant. Also she has dementia and wears diapers. Moms run four peeps out already . That poor lady is probably the only person they could put in there who wouldnt complain.
Im going to a care conference Monday at the nursing home. Me Mom and them. This should be interesting. I hope they dont kick her out.
Some may consider me an evil child but Ive decided that just because shes old and sick doesnt give her free reign to be a poop. Believe it or not thngs are worse than when I first posted but Im better if that makes any sense. And yes you are right going home helps. So does cutting back on the daily visits and doing more phone calls. So does smacking the Huz. He can take it. He owes me big time for all the crap hes put me thru. But thats another story.
Ive tried to explain to her that bullying the aides and complaining about every little nit fricking thing its going to get her anywhere but it just falls on deaf ears. Ive had six calls today so far. The last one because the lady in the next bed is getting special treatment. She probably is. The lady in the next bed is pleasant. Also she has dementia and wears diapers. Moms run four peeps out already . That poor lady is probably the only person they could put in there who wouldnt complain.
Im going to a care conference Monday at the nursing home. Me Mom and them. This should be interesting. I hope they dont kick her out.
Oh you can vent to me. I could use a diversion.
Have been reading the posts . . . and just wanted to say . . . we all seem to have this myth at times . . . that difficult people will become "more mellow" as they age, but as you have already stated, just ain't so!
My dad says - "We all just get more ourselves as we get older."
Sadly, for some people, that means just becoming more difficult to deal with. A bully at 40 will be a really obnoxious bully four decades later, LOL.
Do whatever it takes to keep up your own stamina and spirit. Remember - while trying to care-take for someone else, we can so often wear our bodies down - w/ both the emotional stress and demands to our time wh/ affect our sleep, our eating habits, our whole routine . . . You must take care of YOU and don't feel guilty when you have to pull back or walk away.
I am sure you already know all this . . . and others have given you such good advice . . . I just wanted to affirm it again - and let you know that you have many others out here who do know what you are dealing with -and are keeping you in our prayers . . .
Oh that poor lady. To be imprisoned with someone like that could just wring all the joy right out of you. I do hope shes living a good life now. She deserves it.
Yes, she's doing things she's always wanted to do & doesn't have to answer to anyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecilia_Rose
Your Dad was definitly a joy. Every time they take Moms blood pressure she acts like theyre killing her. And if things dont go her way she holds a grudge. And complains about how badly that person treated her to everybody else who comes in the room. And she remembers every slight. Shes still complaining about stuff that happened a month ago. And dont forget the stuff her brother did to her when they were kids. LOL. Some of the things she complained of are starting to come true. Shes so demanding and unpleasant that some of the aides ARE ignoring her. Im truly afraid that something bad will happen to her and no one will believe her.
I was very lucky to have such a caring dad but when I lost him, the glue of our family fell apart. Now I'm pretty much alone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecilia_Rose
Some may consider me an evil child but Ive decided that just because shes old and sick doesnt give her free reign to be a poop. Believe it or not thngs are worse than when I first posted but Im better if that makes any sense. And yes you are right going home helps. So does cutting back on the daily visits and doing more phone calls. So does smacking the Huz. He can take it. He owes me big time for all the crap hes put me thru. But thats another story.
I always say that we can pick our friends but we can;t pick our family. You can look at it as though she's lucky that you are still there and caring for her even after what she's put/putting you through. Your time will come and all of this will make you a better/stronger person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecilia_Rose
Ive tried to explain to her that bullying the aides and complaining about every little nit fricking thing its going to get her anywhere but it just falls on deaf ears. Ive had six calls today so far. The last one because the lady in the next bed is getting special treatment. She probably is. The lady in the next bed is pleasant. Also she has dementia and wears diapers. Moms run four peeps out already . That poor lady is probably the only person they could put in there who wouldnt complain.
lol, hopefully the lady next to her won't have a time where she's with it and knows what's going on.
You can only do so much. The people taking care of her chose this field and I doubt she is the 1st one like this. They're probably used to it. Just remember to give them thank you cards every now & then so that they remember you appreciate all that they do. You might also think to go to the supermarket & buy them a bouquet. Walmart has cute inexpensive vases
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecilia_Rose
Im going to a care conference Monday at the nursing home. Me Mom and them. This should be interesting. I hope they dont kick her out.
Let us know how you make out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cecilia_Rose
Oh you can vent to me. I could use a diversion.
I knw what you mean. There were days during dad's illness where I needed to hear someone else's problems just to get away from my own. While I would love to vent, right now I can't due to a court case. Since I've posted this before the attorneys got involved, it doesn;t matter if I post it here.
I think saying that at one time, when we found out dad's cancer returned, I was going to be tested as a stem cell donor. This was one of the only dr appointment my mother went to. I took her shopping while they tested his blood / gave him a transfusion. Something didn't feel right to me so I said to her, "They will be able to use me as a donor as long as I'm his kid" she replied, I don't know. I repeated it again, maybe like 3 times, same answer. I didn't understand but was very bothered by it. The next time dad & I were alone we talked and he told me that he knew about it or something to that effect. He said it would never change his feelings towards me & my kids that I was his daughter no matter what.
They tested me, I voiced my concerns, they said that yes, genetically I was a match but they wouldn't use me due to my sugar being over 400 plus my pain meds for my back problem. Of course this story got twisted too. Anyway, my dad loved me a lot & in the end it showed, must have been hard for them to swallow. We decided to get a DNA test. Thanks to Maury, it took almost a month to get them to come out to take the DNA since he wasn't well enough to be driven to a site. I finally got an appointment for a Tuesday. Dad started going downhill on a Friday. By Saturday hospice was called & we found out his body was shutting down.
Monday morning I once again (called Sat & Sun) called the DNA Diagnostics place begging him to send someone out. I'd gone to my pain management appointment in the morning and by the afternoon, knew DNA Diagnostics was coming out at 7:30 that night. I told dad, one of the last things he said to me was "that's great". It still makes me cry just thinking about it... he started slipping away after that as he knew he could. A little while later he couldn't speak, tried to tell me he loved me. I had him blink to see if he was in pain / ask questions.
7:30 came. Dad was with it enough to know the lady was there. His mouth was so dry & he was so weak. He let me swab his cheek with a wet lollypop sponge like thing, they then did the swab. My dad started slipping away quickly after that. He was at peace knowing he'd given his DNA to prove without a doubt I was his daughter and passed at 10pm, 2 hours after the lady left.
The next morning I was pretty upset, my nose started bleeding. I never get nose bleeds & don't think I've ever had one in my life. That day I had a total of 3 & I swear it was my dad telling me he knew the results and was with me. Even my mother said it.
I've never shared the results with any of them. My younger sister at one time emailed my son (who was like my dad's son) and told him about it with some nasty dialog. My son did not know about this, shame on her for even saying it to him.
Haven't really spoken to my mother since the viewing arrangements. She's never shared her affair with the Russian builder she cheated on my dad with and the few times I did see her, she tried to make me feel bad, never once apologized for doing this to me. Can you imagine if the builder ever knocked on my door saying he was my father?
The fricked up thing is.. my mother acts like it was her in question about whther I was her kid even though she gave birth to me.
After dad died someone sent me a sympathy card saying sorry your step father died or something to that effect. It was really heartless.
I had back surgery a few months after he died. Even though my mother lived 7 blocks she never once stopped or called to see how I was doing. Nice huh? Instead she used that time to put the house up for sale behind my back then would not accept our offer to buy it There were days I begged her, crying my eyes out, always making me feel like I did something wrong and throwing things back on me.
There's a lot more but that's the most I can say so see, things could be worst. It could be the one person you love the most dying of cancer and you have this cr@p to deal with on top of it. One thing that still gets me through it is I know my dad is still here with me. He's not ready to leave until this is done. I will do what I have to to make sure his wishes are carried out.
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Sorry about the crabbing. I think I was suffering from a Mom overdose from being around her every day. Before this all started it was only a few days a week. And then I was busy cleaning house etc so all her complaining was just background noise. Also before the cancer I usually just ignored it or told her to knock it off. 
And Im sure as it goes on shes gonna wear off on me just from being around her so much. My sense of humour has returned. I dont know if thats good or bad. 
There were days I begged her, crying my eyes out, always making me feel like I did something wrong and throwing things back on me.