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Marcy and tngirl......so nice to read your posts. I managed to do quite well yesterday. Keeping busy is the key for me. My son, DIL, and graddaughter who now live with me are going to see a movie, and I went to the library and got Season 2 of Downton Abbey......afternoon to myself I hope.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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I know how the first anniversary feels, and it hurts because no one else remembers it like you do. I kind of thought everyone would mourn with me; kids, sil, friends, and when the day passed, and no one mentioned it, I felt hurt, even angry at family for not remembering. Don't feel slighted if you're the only one aware that it's the anniversary of your husband's passing, it's not that others don't care, they just didn't love or grieve as deeply as you.
I also found that the anniversary didn't hurt as much as the holidays. Maybe because the holidays were meant to be shared with family or friends, and when they weren't, that hurt me deeply. You don't expect everyone to gather for the anniversary (although remembering it would have been nice~~a call, email, anything~~), so when it comes, you find you've spent more time anticipating how it would hurt than it actually did. For me, it was sad, but other days were harder like his first birthday that goes by, or your wedding anniversary. To me, the anniversary of Bob's passing was more like a milestone -- I made it through the first year -- not he's been gone a year.
Hugs and warm thoughts to everyone facing a milestone. Think of it more as an accomplishment, that you've achieved something, rather than as a weight you carry around. Buy yourself a treat, do something special like getting a massage, facial, manicure...something to pamper yourself. After all, your husband would be proud of you for being strong and moving forward, he'd want you to reward yourself.
You made it through a year of firsts, and although there will be steps backward, continued tears, down times, it really does get easier.
A wonderful post, Marcy. Thank you for sharing and caring.
I just realized something last night. I think I've said things like Thanksgiving, Christmas and this coming New Year are going to be "firsts" for me.....they weren't! Earl hasn't even been dead a year yet! Almost but not quite. He would not let me be around him so much the last 3-4 months of his life, I got confused. Oh well, guess I will make it through the next set a holidays, I "mourned" them this year!
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv
A wonderful post, Marcy. Thank you for sharing and caring.
I just realized something last night. I think I've said things like Thanksgiving, Christmas and this coming New Year are going to be "firsts" for me.....they weren't! Earl hasn't even been dead a year yet! Almost but not quite. He would not let me be around him so much the last 3-4 months of his life, I got confused. Oh well, guess I will make it through the next set a holidays, I "mourned" them this year!
They are firsts as they are your first holidays without him alive. He may have wanted to be alone the last few months of his life, but he was still there. I think we mourn every year, it just gets easier. At least I do. I mourned this year. I had my cry, my lump in the throat, my missing Bob. I tear up just thinking of him. So much I still wanted (want) to share, and I can't. So I cry. It's selfish because i"m just thinking of what I've lost. If Bob had been released from a physical ailment, I'd probably be rejoicing that he was finally free of the disease, but he wasn't. He literally just dropped dead suddenly and without warning. Sometimes I hate him for doing that to me--but mostly I feel guilty for being so selfish.
They are firsts as they are your first holidays without him alive. He may have wanted to be alone the last few months of his life, but he was still there. I think we mourn every year, it just gets easier. At least I do. I mourned this year. I had my cry, my lump in the throat, my missing Bob. I tear up just thinking of him. So much I still wanted (want) to share, and I can't. So I cry. It's selfish because i"m just thinking of what I've lost. If Bob had been released from a physical ailment, I'd probably be rejoicing that he was finally free of the disease, but he wasn't. He literally just dropped dead suddenly and without warning. Sometimes I hate him for doing that to me--but mostly I feel guilty for being so selfish.
It's human nature to feel "selfish", Marcy. We ALL are selfish in one way or another and wishing our spouse didn't die is one of them. Being released from the agonizing pain he was in, part of me still wishes Earl was alive. Bob had no control over dropping dead, Marcy, you know that. If a spirit can feel sadness, I'm sure he felt that way when he realized he had left you. Don't be mad at him. We all have "our time" and we never know it. Try to "forgive" him. He'd never do that on purpose.
All of your posts inspire me whenever I read them. I learn from you, you bring clarity to my thinking and you all inspire me, and I thank you. At times, I don't know if I am moving backward or forward and confusion sets in as to how should I be feeling at this stage of my life.
Thank you all and to those that are regulars here.
I really enjoy being here and I wish you all a New Year that will bring you happiness, joy, laughter, a new lease on life.
Bless us all during our time of figuring it all out. Hugs to you all!!!
All of your posts inspire me whenever I read them. I learn from you, you bring clarity to my thinking and you all inspire me, and I thank you. At times, I don't know if I am moving backward or forward and confusion sets in as to how should I be feeling at this stage of my life.
Thank you all and to those that are regulars here.
I really enjoy being here and I wish you all a New Year that will bring you happiness, joy, laughter, a new lease on life.
Bless us all during our time of figuring it all out. Hugs to you all!!!
Hi, smilin'. That's a point...there is NO set time or date to anyone's grief and mouring. Not in my book anyway. You need to go at your own pace. We all have different sets of circumstances, we are all different physically and mentally. What's good for me may be too fast a pace for you. What's good for you may set me back. "The world" seems to think a person should get on with things in about a year. I don't care what "the world" says, if I want to be in mouring for longer or shorter, that is my choice. We are not you. We didn't live your marriage and your love. You didn't live my live either. All we, on this end can do, is support you when you need it and give you lots of cyber hugs and love.
Hi smilin and thank you! As I have said countless times in other posts, I will be forever grateful to all of you here on this forum, my "cyber sisters," who have been there for me and continue to do so. You all have made such a huge difference in my life! I hope you all know that.
Just think of all the thousands of people out there that don't know about this forum! I have told many, many people about this forum. People ask me if I am getting any counseling; I tell them, "...other than my Pastor, I belong to a support group on City-Data." Many have never even heard of this place. Just think of how many people are missing out on this place!
Smilin, you continue to get through this difficult journey at your own pace; that is ok! Like tami said, we are all different and that is ok too. The beautiful thing about this place is that we can share with each other and help each other get through this. My goal, while trying to get through this process myself, is to reach out and help others. As in giving, it is better to give than to receive, as the old saying goes. If I can be of help to others, that is very rewarding to me. And in turn, you all are helping me at the same time.
I wish you all a safe, happy and healthy New Year. We all need to continue those baby steps, one day at a time, or one moment at a time if it is warranted. Remember, we are #1 in our lives; we have to do what is best for ourselves.
I had to close down my facebook, too much postings of serious stuff. I will not read the newspaper or headlines on internet or watch t.v. news.
For those of us that are grieving, this time of year is especially difficult. So, if you would like to share anything that makes you laugh, a joke, or happy or amusing incident or a happy event/experience please share with us.
What amuses me I have two little maltese dogs, they are sisters, 13 years old. The little one, when I call out, "DINNER" she runs out of the bedroom, there is a turn, it is on tile and she skids and her back legs start moving out to the side, but she is not moving, it reminds me of watching a cartoon. When she does this I start to laugh and tell her she is too cute.
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