Invited to social events -- but never go (naturally, extrovert, emotional)
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Give it time then. If you just stop responding or simply say "no" or make up a reason and distance. No, you're not the only one. But if the topic is about not wanting to go to social events because of social anxiety, then the problem really isn't about not wanting to go, it's about being afraid to go, isn't it?And then in that case...maybe the solution really is to just go...or not go. Whichever you choose.
i don't know disregard you. you make some valid points in this thread and others. well it is really about anxieties i guess and also not liking social event b/c some peoples don't fit in, that create anxieties, IMO. So I think best solution is to just forget about going altogether.
Then, I suggest counseling, and possible medication. After all, if you have children, don't you want to participate in holidays? Not going can hurt Grandchildren, who don't understand why their Grandma does not want to see them on Christmas. Seems pretty self centered to not care about the feelings of innocent children.
Doll Eyes: While I don't like social events, I visit with several different people each day mostly during my walks with my son and dogs as we have many older neighbors that delight in company. I was a very shy child and that made my life very difficult but that is my past. We actually go a lot of places. I have the adult son with Down syndrome who is 25 years old and I cannot find a suitable program for him and it is essential that he get out and do things because I have seen how he becomes when he doesn't get out or how being at the day center and just sitting all day effected him. He loves to go to a nearby Historic Site (now this boring for me - history - let it go!) but because he enjoys it, we go at least one per week and visit the downtown area. I am involved in local politics also which gives me a lot of social contact. When I was 20 years old, I joined the military and from shy girl to basic training was a very big shock, like grabbing a live electrical!
So, you have a child? Guess that means some social events if I remember those days, well, once the child goes to school anyway. Meetings and programs but the programs should be enjoyable social events and maybe sporting events. I know you would not want to let down your child and I think most of us endure great obstacles when it comes to our kids.
I haven't read that many of your posts but it just seems to me that your life isn't fulfilled but only you can make a change if you think your situation is change worthy. Also, I think "try to force" may be in the wrong thought since, do they threaten you? You are lucky to have people that care in your life as every day I meet people who have no one that cares about them and no invitations to any social events and are just delighted to talk with us a couple of minutes and pet the dogs. Old age may end up suiting you because these people are left "alone", very alone. Reminds to mention that "be careful what you wish for because it might come true".
i don't know disregard you. you make some valid points in this thread and others. well it is really about anxieties i guess and also not liking social event b/c some peoples don't fit in, that create anxieties, IMO. So I think best solution is to just forget about going altogether.
K...please know that if you choose to not face the fear it'll always be there and possibly amplify. I know what you mean about not fitting in. I almost always feel like im on the outside looking in. But hopefully one day you and I will find people we genuinely connect to. Then we can offer more sincere "yes" answers when invited somewhere.
..Well just out of curiosity, what do they think of her in general, now (the lawyer friend)?
We think her lawyer friend, whom we have known since childhood, just likes to lead a solitary life. However, she's an introvert, so she truly does not like social events. Introverts get their energy from being alone (a great oversimplification, but it works).
However, you mentioned on one of your posts that you have AS. That results in more of a discomfort or anxiety around social situations, so it's different in that it isn't a matter of not liking social situations; the person just doesn't fit in or know how to act around others. (A couple of years ago, I did some work with a high school student who had AS and he was brilliant....and very isolated from his peers. He had one friend and his journals were painful to read. He needed and wanted instruction in how to interact with others.) I realize that there are different levels of AS and it doesn't sound as if you feel you need help in interacting with others...you just don't want to do it, is that right?
jasper12...I'm sorry that your Mom isn't "there" for you and your kids. It sounds like you have tried to "be there" for your Mom. (Helping her set-up the "cat-rescue" etc.)...I agree with you. It is different when we have a family. Kids and grandkids need (and deserve) a certain level of "interest" and support...I never heard a "peep" from my Grandparents on my Dad's side when I was growing-up. Of course they lived several states away. But they never sent me birthday cards or anything "personal." I felt like I never really "existed" (at all) to them. (And I really didn't!)...I guess I just learned to live with it. My relatives on my Mom's side split-up and I didn't see any extended family after I was 12 or so. (Except for one Aunt.)....I was an only child so this made things even rougher. Guess I just learned to "go it alone" at an early age except for my parents and some of their friends...Anyway I'm sorry that your Mom isn't more involved with your childrens' lives. It's to your "credit" that you still try to "be there" for your Mom at times. But it's sad that your Mom doesn't "give more back." Sorry.
Thanks CA, I just think it is important to point out to others that their behavior affects others. It is not always what we want and how we feel...especially when children are involved.
By the same token, it is good to see the situation from the perspective of someone like "Doll Eyes". She does not mean to delibrately hurt others by not going to social events.
If one of my close friends invites me to a party or event (or holiday dinner) and I don't go I try to be "supportive" from behind the scenes...I enjoy hearing about their plans for their "big day" ahead of time via email or phone calls...And I definitely "touch base" with them afterwards. (To hear all the details about their special day or event.)...It's a little different when people I don't know very well invite me to their party etc. But I still show interest and ask them questions about their plans or party if I happen to run into them before or after their event...I enjoy "lending support" and "cheering people on" even if I don't attend their functions myself..I know what it feels like to have to "go it alone" most of the time or go without "support." So this is why I'm "big" on "supporting" other people when they plan something "special."...I'm just not a "party person" myself and don't go to everything. My close friends understand my feelings and my "nature." (And don't "bug me" to go to everything.)...They tell me that they appreciate having my "support" and interest when they plan and put-on special events. They know I care. And they know I'm excited for them and "rooting them on!"
jasper12...Thanks for your post. You're right. There are so many "sides" to everything. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings if I can help it. This is why I always try to tell people how I feel about big parties and social events...I don't want anyone to feel rejected or "unloved" if I don't come to every party or event...I've run into some people who "come unglued" and get mad and defensive and even nasty if someone doesn't attend one of their events. They turn it into a "contest of wills" and go into the "guilt-trip mode." YUK!...Why would I want to go to an event or spend time with people who treat me this way? We all have "rights." And we all have feelings and a "side" of our own...I never ever tried to "force" or "guilt-trip" anyone to come to any of my parties or even my wedding...But it is rough if one of our parents or a grandparent doesn't seem to show much (or any) interest in us at all. It takes a lot of work and effort to overcome all of the feelings of "rejection." Don't you think? Thanks for responding.
This ties in with "expectations" we have of others. We "expect" people to come to parties we invite them to. And you are right, no one should "expect" another person to do things. Just accpet the person for who they are, quirks and all. But children are different, and should not be hurt by others. I suppose if a person did not want to attend an event, at least calling is better than completely blowing it off. Especially a child's birthday, or other holiday. Make an effort to participate at some level. Even if it is a phone call.
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