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Old 05-23-2012, 12:54 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,292,862 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Then, I suggest counseling, and possible medication. After all, if you have children, don't you want to participate in holidays? Not going can hurt Grandchildren, who don't understand why their Grandma does not want to see them on Christmas. Seems pretty self centered to not care about the feelings of innocent children.

I am in the cbts counseling and medication, but they're both mainly a joke. I don't want children. Anyway, I can see now why your daughter would want her grandmother at the recitals and christmas. I don't not care about kids' feelings, empathy is not usually the first thing that comes to mind for myself and other aspies. I literally have to remember to 'factor it in' where as I beleive for others, it's intuitive right?
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Old 05-23-2012, 01:00 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,210,262 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinieRN View Post
K...please know that if you choose to not face the fear it'll always be there and possibly amplify. I know what you mean about not fitting in. I almost always feel like im on the outside looking in. But hopefully one day you and I will find people we genuinely connect to. Then we can offer more sincere "yes" answers when invited somewhere.
What if its not anxiety at all but simply that you do not want to go? That you are not interested and get no enjoyment out of 'getting out'? Like they say in real property, its location location locations for me. To go to something conventional and listen to a conventional conversation? I can't wait to leave when its that. Something really off beat? Maybe. Something involving Renfair types, folk music, science fiction fandom, and the out of the box people involved, now there you got me.

But if its going to be a huge expenditure of time and energy, I still may not want to go. I know that the cost of what is a positive social situation is extreme tiredness and a 'bounceback' of missing it, since for me there are so few 'social' moments which go below surface. It makes me feel lonely to not feel lonely if that makes any sense.

Family? If its not a big long trip. I'm just not up to that. And having put physical distance between us, I realize I've also put emotional distance too. I enjoyed going when it was close, but its been awhile and if I go and feel like a stranger then I've tainted the memory of that time.

But I consider my REAL family the collection of out of the box sorts I met in fandom and fair folk and filking (science fiction folk music) because there was the first time ever that I felt free to just fully be me. Most 'normal' types think I'm wierd which is fine if they leave because of it since they don't really connect with me much. I went to a local convention where I had never met a single person, but had a blast and went to the 'old timers' party and felt at home since they are the same sort of people I knew on the west coast.

That is what I wish to hook up with here and would be a reason to 'go out more'.
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Old 05-23-2012, 01:06 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,292,862 times
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Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
If one of my close friends invites me to a party or event (or holiday dinner) and I don't go I try to be "supportive" from behind the scenes...I enjoy hearing about their plans for their "big day" ahead of time via email or phone calls...And I definitely "touch base" with them afterwards. (To hear all the details about their special day or event.)...It's a little different when people I don't know very well invite me to their party etc. But I still show interest and ask them questions about their plans or party if I happen to run into them before or after their event...I enjoy "lending support" and "cheering people on" even if I don't attend their functions myself..I know what it feels like to have to "go it alone" most of the time or go without "support." So this is why I'm "big" on "supporting" other people when they plan something "special."...I'm just not a "party person" myself and don't go to everything. My close friends understand my feelings and my "nature." (And don't "bug me" to go to everything.)...They tell me that they appreciate having my "support" and interest when they plan and put-on special events. They know I care. And they know I'm excited for them and "rooting them on!"
I would consider this a solution, so thanks. I also try to do these things and not just 'blow off the event.' I always send a gift even though I know I will not attend. People seem to like it if you just want to get involved somehow. It's difficult b/c I try not to get too close or involved with people in general, so there's a fine line.
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Old 05-23-2012, 01:11 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,292,862 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightbird47 View Post
What if its not anxiety at all but simply that you do not want to go? That you are not interested and get no enjoyment out of 'getting out'? Like they say in real property, its location location locations for me. To go to something conventional and listen to a conventional conversation? I can't wait to leave when its that. Something really off beat? Maybe. Something involving Renfair types, folk music, science fiction fandom, and the out of the box people involved, now there you got me.

But if its going to be a huge expenditure of time and energy, I still may not want to go. I know that the cost of what is a positive social situation is extreme tiredness and a 'bounceback' of missing it, since for me there are so few 'social' moments which go below surface. It makes me feel lonely to not feel lonely if that makes any sense.

Family? If its not a big long trip. I'm just not up to that. And having put physical distance between us, I realize I've also put emotional distance too. I enjoyed going when it was close, but its been awhile and if I go and feel like a stranger then I've tainted the memory of that time.

But I consider my REAL family the collection of out of the box sorts I met in fandom and fair folk and filking (science fiction folk music) because there was the first time ever that I felt free to just fully be me. Most 'normal' types think I'm wierd which is fine if they leave because of it since they don't really connect with me much. I went to a local convention where I had never met a single person, but had a blast and went to the 'old timers' party and felt at home since they are the same sort of people I knew on the west coast.

That is what I wish to hook up with here and would be a reason to 'go out more'.
Honestly, the answer to your first two questions lead me to think it's depression then. Only reason I say that is b/c of what other people have said that people are "naturally social" and if you don't enjoy it then something is wrong like AS or depression....IMO, people like me, you, and prinie ruin events for other people -- not trying to be rude. As you said even if you go on family vacation there has to be stipulations like not a long trip and you need space when there (I'm the same way). For example, when my gfs would go out dancing the club, I hate clubs and hate dancing. I would be the only one that didn't want to go, then when I did go, I never danced. I beleive these kinds of things ruin the experience for others, so my solution is to stay away completely. I been doing that for years now.
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Old 05-23-2012, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,546,014 times
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I've developed skills through the years to "pass for normal" when need be. (Or good enough anyway!)...But I probably do best with "out of the norm" type of people! It's a hard thing to try to explain!...If I do go to a party or event I look for "fringe" or "sidelines" kind of people like me!...My husband was part of a huge extended family. And their annual Christmas party was gigantic!...I always looked for the "non-popular" people (and relatives) at the Christmas parties. They weren't all considered "black sheep." (But some were!) And others just weren't given much "value" or "status" in the family "hierarchy." (Because they were different and didn't become "clones.")...My husband wasn't always given a lot of "status" because he "dared to be different!" And wanted to be his "own" person and do things "his way."...In the end we stopped going to his family's Christmas parties and spent the holidays with my family or friends who were more like us...A lot of parties or events tend to cater to the "norm" and people are expected to sort of "fall in line" and relate to each other in traditional ways. This makes it rough (for me) because I can only "pass for normal" for short periods of time!
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Old 05-23-2012, 03:28 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,546,014 times
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Doll Eyes..I can relate to not wanting to "ruin" or "spoil" things for others...For instance when I've been with other women (in a group-setting) I've run into some differences at times...Everyone might start "poking fun" at their husbands or men in general...My husband wasn't always perfect. But I didn't want to join-in and make fun of him or "trash" him just to "fit-in" and be accepted by the group...I don't want to be a "party pooper" either and come across as "Ms. Prude" or "Ms. Manners" and sit in judgement of my friends when they're just trying to have a little fun...So it seems best to avoid group situations whenever possible. (Unless I'm with close-close friends who will take the time to look at other "sides" versus expecting me to always "follow along.")
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Old 05-23-2012, 07:50 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse View Post
Doll Eyes: While I don't like social events, I visit with several different people each day mostly during my walks with my son and dogs as we have many older neighbors that delight in company. I was a very shy child and that made my life very difficult but that is my past. We actually go a lot of places. I have the adult son with Down syndrome who is 25 years old and I cannot find a suitable program for him and it is essential that he get out and do things because I have seen how he becomes when he doesn't get out or how being at the day center and just sitting all day effected him. He loves to go to a nearby Historic Site (now this boring for me - history - let it go!) but because he enjoys it, we go at least one per week and visit the downtown area. I am involved in local politics also which gives me a lot of social contact. When I was 20 years old, I joined the military and from shy girl to basic training was a very big shock, like grabbing a live electrical!

So, you have a child?
Guess that means some social events if I remember those days, well, once the child goes to school anyway. Meetings and programs but the programs should be enjoyable social events and maybe sporting events. I know you would not want to let down your child and I think most of us endure great obstacles when it comes to our kids.

I haven't read that many of your posts but it just seems to me that your life isn't fulfilled but only you can make a change if you think your situation is change worthy. Also, I think "try to force" may be in the wrong thought since, do they threaten you? You are lucky to have people that care in your life as every day I meet people who have no one that cares about them and no invitations to any social events and are just delighted to talk with us a couple of minutes and pet the dogs. Old age may end up suiting you because these people are left "alone", very alone. Reminds to mention that "be careful what you wish for because it might come true".
OKay, okay I remember you now you have the DS son . I was getting you mixed up with someone else, I guess. You should check with your state about programs for him. Here in my town they have places where they go and work. I have a easter seals worker for myself, you should contact them for your son. I can't imagine a really shy person joining the military. Didn't you feel "walked all over" by the louder more outgoing people? Seems to me an environment where those types would thrive. I personally would never want to do that too loud and chaotic! No I don't have a child, I don't want kids, nothing against them though. Personally I don't worry about my life being fulfilled, all I ever see are people saying 'how joyous life is' and how it 'could be,' I don't care about that anymore, in 32 years if it's not 'joyous' and 'fulfilling' then it's never going to be...I wasn't trying to make it like people invites me to events every day or anything. But I have a large family (even though I live alone) they have events that most of the family goes to and then I am also invited. Plus my old college roommate and 2 other old friends, won't "go away." LOL. That's really it.
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Old 05-23-2012, 07:52 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,292,862 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinieRN View Post
K...please know that if you choose to not face the fear it'll always be there and possibly amplify. I know what you mean about not fitting in. I almost always feel like im on the outside looking in. But hopefully one day you and I will find people we genuinely connect to. Then we can offer more sincere "yes" answers when invited somewhere.

yes i agree anxiety get worse, like it wasn't this bad last year etc. I don't care though. I beleive there's nothing in life for some people, if you don't fit in it's just 'too bad for you.' If you are still looking for people to fit in with, then I hope you do find them. That shipped has sailed IMO, I don't care about looking for people in that way anymore.

This is off topic, but are you a nurse (RN)?
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Old 05-23-2012, 11:27 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,210,262 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
Honestly, the answer to your first two questions lead me to think it's depression then. Only reason I say that is b/c of what other people have said that people are "naturally social" and if you don't enjoy it then something is wrong like AS or depression....IMO, people like me, you, and prinie ruin events for other people -- not trying to be rude. As you said even if you go on family vacation there has to be stipulations like not a long trip and you need space when there (I'm the same way). For example, when my gfs would go out dancing the club, I hate clubs and hate dancing. I would be the only one that didn't want to go, then when I did go, I never danced. I beleive these kinds of things ruin the experience for others, so my solution is to stay away completely. I been doing that for years now.
With me, what it is is of absolute importance. I got dragged to a 'club' once. I sat sipping my one drink and hoping they wanted to go soon. I'm just not a small talk kind of person and half of the people looked like they were out to find someone to warm up the other half of the bed that night. I don't think, knowing I wouldn't enjoy it and be a wet blanket it is in consideration of others as well as not wanted to spend a miserable night.

Honestly the socializing which I like would probably make your 'normal' person bored. I love room parties at cons, where the door is open and people come and go and eat and join in on conversations at will. But the conversations are about things which are commonly not of interst or 'weird' and largely way out of the box to your average sort. Thus, wierd and suspect.

To me it felt like home. But it was for occassionally, as a tasty treat, not for every weekend. I still need my quiet, alone except for furries time. It wouldn't be special that way. Being me, I need plenty of time to discharge even if it was enormous fun.

What hurts is that just not being 'like them' has to be seen by so many as there being something 'wrong' with you, all part and parcial of the mentality that anyone who isn't standard issue must be 'ill' and should be fixed with drugs or other means.

Sorry, I've no desire to be one of the clones.

That's the difference between the extrovert who really does benefit from 'going out' because they draw away stress from activity. To me, to those like me, even the ideal place where its easy to belong is a special thing and the 'refueling' need to be quiet and private. Believe me, I value that part of my life greatly, but I'd never push it into being a chore *because* it is that important.
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:08 AM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,738,663 times
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I work with people all day long. And have to be positive, cheerful, and helpful. Sometimes to people who are quite unpleasant. The weekend, sometimes I am done. I just become a recluse. It was like when I taught school, I came home, and my patience for children was gone.

The other day my BF wanted to go out, I told him I just wanted to stay home. I did not have the energy to be nice or happy. He came over, even though I told him I was grumpy. Gotta love a guy who will watch a movie, on the sofa, and I can wear my old jeans and a sweatshirt. He even brought pizza.
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