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So a woman has to be pretty to be able to find a man? Attractiveness is temporary but warmth, intelligence and kindness last forever.
I have men telling me I'm attractive all the time, but they're not the type of men I'd want to give the time of day to. All they care about is appearances. I can't look great 24/7, and if they only care about my looks then they're not worth a damn.
Men are into looks first, personality second, intelligence third.
What guy 25-35, who has a choice, wants to get with smart, fun girl that looks like a wrinkled pig?
We are not as forgiving as women are when it comes to looks. Look around Manhattan. When's the last time you saw some 20-something stud on the arm of a fat, turkey-chin, 60-something woman. You see plenty of the reverse.
Men are into looks first, personality second, intelligence third.
What guy 25-35, who has a choice, wants to get with smart, fun girl that looks like a wrinkled pig?
We are not as forgiving as women are when it comes to looks. Look around Manhattan. When's the last time you saw some 20-something stud on the arm of a fat, turkey-chin, 60-something woman. You see plenty of the reverse.
okay so you saw me and my woman last night and say what you want about her, but don't ever call her turkey-chin.
It's a difficult prospect, sometimes, to cultivate the perfect relationship, well perfection is an ideal that is never really achieved. This is coming from a guy who has spent more than a few years in and out of a relationship, with the same woman, though now it's over... It has been a cycle of break-ups and getting back together, sometimes after a hiatus of a year or two, since we happened to run into each other again, or tensions eased, and there never was any really earth-shattering reason why we broke up in the first place. It's a process, and the pace of the city doesn't help sometimes.
It's a difficult prospect, sometimes, to cultivate the perfect relationship, well perfection is an ideal that is never really achieved. This is coming from a guy who has spent more than a few years in and out of a relationship, with the same woman, though now it's over... It has been a cycle of break-ups and getting back together, sometimes after a hiatus of a year or two, since we happened to run into each other again, or tensions eased, and there never was any really earth-shattering reason why we broke up in the first place. It's a process, and the pace of the city doesn't help sometimes.
sorry about the breakup. i'm gonna wax philosophical in lower caps, excuse me please.
who really knows what love is between man and woman? i hear/see/read about so many people madly in love today and tomorrow they can't stand the sight of each other. i wonder sometimes if love is a fluid term that can be customized to meet differeng agendas for different circumstances? can love be confused sometimes with other emotions of the flesh and spirit like money, lust, need for sexual and physical satisfaction, hunger for attention never achieved earlier in life, desire to command, to be wanted ,or to control?
what's the true definition, if any of this love, of which so many speak loftily one day then decry another day?
is there something to be said of prearranged marriages/relationships as they have in the Orient and some East European countries, Africa, Latin America? does that kind of arrangement untimately produce love that one grows into? is that better than love at first sight that then transforms into hate at every sight? is respect and compatability for and with one's mate better than a ranting, raving but transitory emotion that absorbs your entire being today and destoys your soul the next day?
more questions than answers. in the meantinme, for every marriage, there's another divorce; for every couple falling in love, there's another breakup.
more questions than answers. in the meantinme, for every marriage, there's another divorce; for every couple falling in love, there's another breakup.
Thanks, Miles. It's true that it's a cyclical process for sure, and some do work things out very well. I am the odd one in my family, since my parents have been married since the dawn of time, siblings are all happily married, and I have been nearly married twice to the same woman, once in NY and once in CA.
There are a myriad of reasons as to how and why a relationship starts and ends, though it seems to me that one needs to have a more realistic approach as to the duration of the cycles in a committed relationship, since there are good days and bad days, times when all seems over and those when there's a new beginning. This is a healthy function of a relationship between two people, since there will always be disagreements, differences of opinion, and the like, but how they're managed makes a key difference, unless there is a structural fault to the realtionship present from the outset that manifests itself as time marches onward.
I don't think that it's any different for a man or a woman, since it's more of a function of being human, where emotional interactions do have an effect, immediate or cumulative, and that can characterize the pursuit of a new relationship or the ending of one already in existence, sometimes for it to begin anew as a treasured friendship and other times best left to the annals of history. Some men want relationships for whatever reason, as do some women, but sometimes it takes a while for the synchronicities of the universe to overcome the time warp of the human mind in its pursuit of that one moment where a lasting relationship dawns...
Thanks, Miles. It's true that it's a cyclical process for sure, and some do work things out very well. I am the odd one in my family, since my parents have been married since the dawn of time, siblings are all happily married, and I have been nearly married twice to the same woman, once in NY and once in CA.
There are a myriad of reasons as to how and why a relationship starts and ends, though it seems to me that one needs to have a more realistic approach as to the duration of the cycles in a committed relationship, since there are good days and bad days, times when all seems over and those when there's a new beginning. This is a healthy function of a relationship between two people, since there will always be disagreements, differences of opinion, and the like, but how they're managed makes a key difference, unless there is a structural fault to the realtionship present from the outset that manifests itself as time marches onward.
I don't think that it's any different for a man or a woman, since it's more of a function of being human, where emotional interactions do have an effect, immediate or cumulative, and that can characterize the pursuit of a new relationship or the ending of one already in existence, sometimes for it to begin anew as a treasured friendship and other times best left to the annals of history. Some men want relationships for whatever reason, as do some women, but sometimes it takes a while for the synchronicities of the universe to overcome the time warp of the human mind in its pursuit of that one moment where a lasting relationship dawns...
Excellently put, bmw.
Perhaps you and I should open a lonely hearts club - of course we'll give discounts to our fellow posters.
For those who've been in relationships - married, living together, etc., and are now single, is it better to be living with a partner with whom you are constantly fighting, arguing, and with whom you feel a lack of compatability vs living alone and sometimes being lonely?
Is companionship with the wrong partner better than none at all? Is it better to have someone to go through life's trials and tribulations with even if that person does not complete you the way you had hoped for or is it preferable to live alone, have friends, return to a lonely home but have tranquilty and calm in your home and life?
If the relationship is inherently flawed, it is better not to have one, since it tends to close one off from finding a better relationship, due to the residual level of commitment felt between the two parties. Some people remain married thought they argue, and I do believe that's how some people actually communicate, as flawed as it may be, but if it's more than the tone or volume of voices, there's something causing the interaction to disintegrate into the realm of the unhealthy relationship.
My experience with bad relationships is that they can correct for a time, but the fundamental issues that brought about the differences between the two parties tend to move in a cyclical manner. There are times where one craves the companionship, remembering the good times, and completely obviating all evidence to the contrary. The relationship's flaws, regardless of the people involved since people who are otherwise "together" can have horrible relationships with another, sometimes glow as bright as the neon lights of Times Square in the early morning darkness, yet one charges on in the belief that they are happy and that this is a temporary situation on the road to happiness; and, in some respects, it is.
However, when exposed to the light of day, there comes a time when you just cannot physically and emotionally deal with the relationship anymore, and begin to look for any excuse to be apart from the significant other, not in terms of seeking another relationship, just needing SPACE. Space can be healthy, allowing each partner to explore their own interests and friends, but SPACE is not a good thing, at least from my experience. Working late, the "need" to take long business trips, and save money with Saturday night stays, loss of time on the golf course, tennis court, extended workouts at the gym, and phantom traffic delays (though in my case this worked as it was NY and LA, principally) begin to be all too common affairs. Apart from the creative activities to find time and SPACE, one also begins to find oneself at the cinema, bookstore, or dining alone, though they are in a relationship and sincerely do care for the other party, but just need to recollect and regroup before delving into the relationship further, after all with the time and emotion invested in a committed relationship, it's sometimes difficult to admit to oneself that the point of diminishing returns has arrived and it's time to cut the losses for the best interests of both parties.
No matter how tenuous the relationship, or how bad it had become in the depths of its flaws, the ghosts of the past revisit and one edits, perceiving that things were not as bad as imagined, but learning from the experience is all one can do, resulting in a more positive and centered sense of self in the truest sense. I can be alone and have been alone in relationships at times as well, so while the companionship is important, and I can be extremely tolerant of dips when things click so well when they are smooth, being in a relationship for the sake of having a relationship isn't worth it because I think it closes an avenue that may manifest itself in one's life should they be ready and open to it, and not be scattered with investment in a relationship that's not going to launch.
The worst part for me is when family and friends, who do mean well, remind me how great a relationship was and that they worry for my happiness, since they're in great relationships. I detest the set-ups or being the odd-one-out on couples outings, and have even sat with the CHILDREN at family affairs since it would have thrown off the seating arrangements to be at a regular table, though this has never happened with my parents, though it has within my immediate family.
There were more than a few parallels that I found between myself and the story line of the movie 'Dan in Real Life,' aside from the reasons being single and differences in immediate familial relationships and the ending of the film, but others were so parallel that I was wondering who had ratted me out...LOL
If the relationship is inherently flawed, it is better not to have one, since it tends to close one off from finding a better relationship, due to the residual level of commitment felt between the two parties. Some people remain married thought they argue, and I do believe that's how some people actually communicate, as flawed as it may be, but if it's more than the tone or volume of voices, there's something causing the interaction to disintegrate into the realm of the unhealthy relationship.
My experience with bad relationships is that they can correct for a time, but the fundamental issues that brought about the differences between the two parties tend to move in a cyclical manner. There are times where one craves the companionship, remembering the good times, and completely obviating all evidence to the contrary. The relationship's flaws, regardless of the people involved since people who are otherwise "together" can have horrible relationships with another, sometimes glow as bright as the neon lights of Times Square in the early morning darkness, yet one charges on in the belief that they are happy and that this is a temporary situation on the road to happiness; and, in some respects, it is.
However, when exposed to the light of day, there comes a time when you just cannot physically and emotionally deal with the relationship anymore, and begin to look for any excuse to be apart from the significant other, not in terms of seeking another relationship, just needing SPACE. Space can be healthy, allowing each partner to explore their own interests and friends, but SPACE is not a good thing, at least from my experience. Working late, the "need" to take long business trips, and save money with Saturday night stays, loss of time on the golf course, tennis court, extended workouts at the gym, and phantom traffic delays (though in my case this worked as it was NY and LA, principally) begin to be all too common affairs. Apart from the creative activities to find time and SPACE, one also begins to find oneself at the cinema, bookstore, or dining alone, though they are in a relationship and sincerely do care for the other party, but just need to recollect and regroup before delving into the relationship further, after all with the time and emotion invested in a committed relationship, it's sometimes difficult to admit to oneself that the point of diminishing returns has arrived and it's time to cut the losses for the best interests of both parties.
No matter how tenuous the relationship, or how bad it had become in the depths of its flaws, the ghosts of the past revisit and one edits, perceiving that things were not as bad as imagined, but learning from the experience is all one can do, resulting in a more positive and centered sense of self in the truest sense. I can be alone and have been alone in relationships at times as well, so while the companionship is important, and I can be extremely tolerant of dips when things click so well when they are smooth, being in a relationship for the sake of having a relationship isn't worth it because I think it closes an avenue that may manifest itself in one's life should they be ready and open to it, and not be scattered with investment in a relationship that's not going to launch.
The worst part for me is when family and friends, who do mean well, remind me how great a relationship was and that they worry for my happiness, since they're in great relationships. I detest the set-ups or being the odd-one-out on couples outings, and have even sat with the CHILDREN at family affairs since it would have thrown off the seating arrangements to be at a regular table, though this has never happened with my parents, though it has within my immediate family.
Great, poignant, soul-searchin post, and thanks for sharing your insights, bmw.
I fear that we as a society in the West are doomed to the staus quo where marriages/relationships are concerned. We have no choice but to accept the 21st century disposability of commitments that generations ago were lifetime events. It's not an easy concept to accept that one can enter into a marriage/relationshio with, God knows, the happiest, noblest, most joyous of intentions and dreams that this one is it for me, this is what I've been seeking all my life, this woman or man will be the one to take me to heights of passion and bliss I dared never dream of before.
Then as the months and years roll on by, individuals change. Their perspectives on life may change, they can outgrow their life partner, the things they enjoyed together in the past are now a struggle to find common ground, the passion wavers, one even begins to fantasize about another person - a coworker, an acquaintance, a friend of a friend, someone in a coffee shop or the subway with whom one shares a fleeting glance. And the fantasy is not merely a sexual one even though that can be part of the allure of the individual being fantasized.
How did marriges in previous decades and centuries sustain themselves, I often ponder. Was it that one party, mostly the woman, was economically dependent on the other party, the man, and hence stuck it out? Was it that societal taboos prevented one from exiting an unhappy relationship? Or were couples really able to have a lifelong commitment in an atmosphere of selfless love, respect, and enduring compatability? Guess we'll never know.
The unfortunate assessment may well be that one makes the best of the present, hope the best for the future - but always be prepared emotionally, financially, pyschologically for an exit strategy. Sad, it seems, but perhaps practical.
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