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How did marriges in previous decades and centuries sustain themselves, I often ponder. Was it that one party, mostly the woman, was economically dependent on the other party, the man, and hence stuck it out? Was it that societal taboos prevented one from exiting an unhappy relationship? Or were couples really able to have a lifelong commitment in an atmosphere of selfless love, respect, and enduring compatability? Guess we'll never know.
The unfortunate assessment may well be that one makes the best of the present, hope the best for the future - but always be prepared emotionally, financially, pyschologically for an exit strategy. Sad, it seems, but perhaps practical.
Yes, an exit strategy seems to be par for the course these days, though I do tend to refuse to plan like that going into a relationship. I look at my siblings and cousins of my generation, and I'm one of the last hold-outs in the extended family who is not married or on the road to a committed relationship. In fact, I am one of two, but the other one is traveling the world right now with two women and he's a few years younger. LOL
I look at my parents who have been married for forever and they really and truly still have the strong relationship that they entered into all those years ago. They respect one another and have interests together, but also cultivate their own lives and friendships, so they know how to make a relationship work. And, try as I might to emulate it, I tend to wonder how my relationships short-circuit, and I just have to wonder sometimes...am I that much of an iconoclast? I don't think that it's impossible to have a strong relationship, because I see them all around me, and I don't begrudge them a moment of happiness and am not wallowing in not having a relationship, but it does create a sense of intense pondering as to the root cause. Then again, I don't settle and I don't play games, so perhaps that has something to do with it.
I look at my parents who have been married for forever and they really and truly still have the strong relationship that they entered into all those years ago. They respect one another and have interests together, but also cultivate their own lives and friendships, so they know how to make a relationship work. .
Perhaps that's one really important key - to share things in common but to also share interests with others outside of the relationship.
I think that the famous Arab philosopher, Kahlil Gibran, wrote in his well read book, The Prophet, "You shall be together even in the silent memory of God, but let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you."
Perhaps that's one really important key - to share things in common but to also share interests with others outside of the relationship.
I think that the famous Arab philosopher, Kahlil Gibran, wrote in his well read book, The Prophet, "You shall be together even in the silent memory of God, but let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you."
For those who've been in relationships - married, living together, etc., and are now single, is it better to be living with a partner with whom you are constantly fighting, arguing, and with whom you feel a lack of compatability vs living alone and sometimes being lonely?
Is companionship with the wrong partner better than none at all? Is it better to have someone to go through life's trials and tribulations with even if that person does not complete you the way you had hoped for or is it preferable to live alone, have friends, return to a lonely home but have tranquilty and calm in your home and life?
I think it's better to feel lonely/alone when you're single, than to feel lonely/alone when you're in a relationship. I've felt alone/lonely in a relationship before and it sucks. It's hard though; a lot of times, people stay because they are comfortable.
Love isn't like it is in the movies; the butterflies and that honeymoon feeling isn't alway there. Should it be? I don't know. Sometimes I guess. Passion is important, but times will be boring too.
I would rather be alone than fighting with my partner all the time. I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person, but it's also hard to get out of a relationship that you have invested years into. It's also scary thinking about being alone for the rest of your life. Still, I don't ever want to settle. I know I'm worth more. We all are.
My relationship has been like the one described above. We have been on and off for years. Sometimes I wonder am I just comfortable? Is this right? I don't know. Relationships are hard.
If the relationship is inherently flawed, it is better not to have one, since it tends to close one off from finding a better relationship, due to the residual level of commitment felt between the two parties. Some people remain married thought they argue, and I do believe that's how some people actually communicate, as flawed as it may be, but if it's more than the tone or volume of voices, there's something causing the interaction to disintegrate into the realm of the unhealthy relationship.
My experience with bad relationships is that they can correct for a time, but the fundamental issues that brought about the differences between the two parties tend to move in a cyclical manner. There are times where one craves the companionship, remembering the good times, and completely obviating all evidence to the contrary. The relationship's flaws, regardless of the people involved since people who are otherwise "together" can have horrible relationships with another, sometimes glow as bright as the neon lights of Times Square in the early morning darkness, yet one charges on in the belief that they are happy and that this is a temporary situation on the road to happiness; and, in some respects, it is.
However, when exposed to the light of day, there comes a time when you just cannot physically and emotionally deal with the relationship anymore, and begin to look for any excuse to be apart from the significant other, not in terms of seeking another relationship, just needing SPACE. Space can be healthy, allowing each partner to explore their own interests and friends, but SPACE is not a good thing, at least from my experience. Working late, the "need" to take long business trips, and save money with Saturday night stays, loss of time on the golf course, tennis court, extended workouts at the gym, and phantom traffic delays (though in my case this worked as it was NY and LA, principally) begin to be all too common affairs. Apart from the creative activities to find time and SPACE, one also begins to find oneself at the cinema, bookstore, or dining alone, though they are in a relationship and sincerely do care for the other party, but just need to recollect and regroup before delving into the relationship further, after all with the time and emotion invested in a committed relationship, it's sometimes difficult to admit to oneself that the point of diminishing returns has arrived and it's time to cut the losses for the best interests of both parties.
No matter how tenuous the relationship, or how bad it had become in the depths of its flaws, the ghosts of the past revisit and one edits, perceiving that things were not as bad as imagined, but learning from the experience is all one can do, resulting in a more positive and centered sense of self in the truest sense. I can be alone and have been alone in relationships at times as well, so while the companionship is important, and I can be extremely tolerant of dips when things click so well when they are smooth, being in a relationship for the sake of having a relationship isn't worth it because I think it closes an avenue that may manifest itself in one's life should they be ready and open to it, and not be scattered with investment in a relationship that's not going to launch.
The worst part for me is when family and friends, who do mean well, remind me how great a relationship was and that they worry for my happiness, since they're in great relationships. I detest the set-ups or being the odd-one-out on couples outings, and have even sat with the CHILDREN at family affairs since it would have thrown off the seating arrangements to be at a regular table, though this has never happened with my parents, though it has within my immediate family.
I think it's better to feel lonely/alone when you're single, than to feel lonely/alone when you're in a relationship. I've felt alone/lonely in a relationship before and it sucks. It's hard though; a lot of times, people stay because they are comfortable.
Love isn't like it is in the movies; the butterflies and that honeymoon feeling isn't alway there. Should it be? I don't know. Sometimes I guess. Passion is important, but times will be boring too.
I would rather be alone than fighting with my partner all the time. I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person, but it's also hard to get out of a relationship that you have invested years into. It's also scary thinking about being alone for the rest of your life. Still, I don't ever want to settle. I know I'm worth more. We all are.
My relationship has been like the one described above. We have been on and off for years. Sometimes I wonder am I just comfortable? Is this right? I don't know. Relationships are hard.
such a wonderful, thought provoking post. thanks to jax and bmw for sharing their thoughts.
Wouldn't expect conventional, socially-accepted (or acceptable) wisdom re: relationships to hold in a sophisticated, dynamic place like NYC....
Many high-achievers have little free time in first 10-15 yrs post-college, esp in a career-focused region like NYC...
Many are relatively complex personalities who balance own quirks vs perceived social/career appearance "needs" to have a wife and 3 kids by sometime in one's 30s...
By early-mid 40s, many have made a few bucks; realize life is getting really short; and have their first divorce....guys w/a few bucks, no matter looks or lack of socially interesting personality, have a few more choices in terms of attractive, young women in a place like Manhattan which attracts a fresh crop of new talent every yr
Lots of guys don't have the bucks to easily exit their relationships...and just don't have many appealing choices if/when solo...and those living outside regions like NYC/BevHills have few interesting choices, as most regions are full of young, obese single moms and peri-menopausal divorcees...and even lack such basics as high-end restaurants and bars where many affluent single guys go for a quick dinner solo on many wkday eves......QOL amenities of places like Manhattan and SF make life of an affluent single rather appealing on a daily basis vs family-oriented suburban areas like NYC's Greenwich or SF's Woodside, let alone lower socio-economic regions like Dallas, etc
Unlike prior decades, in many industries like finance/tech, many younger guys have seen mistakes of their elders and are simply avoiding marriage until later in life (if at all) to avoid emotional hassles of divorce and giving away nearly 50% of their net worth for a relationship of dubious value....and some fraction of these guys are fairly ambivalent about kids as well...obviously, after having kids, hard to ever admit one's poor decision-making/family planning
Would argue driving new performance cars during wkend AMs and dating talented young women on some evenings are far cheaper, more time-efficient hobbies/sources of entertainment for many workaholics than attempts at anachronistic, legalized relationships that place one's financial health in jeopardy...
Well said, Jax. Relationships are hard, and sometimes it is difficult to find a balance between compromise and concession, which can be the most difficult element of knowing if one is in a pattern that could result in settling for a relationship that may be comfortable and familiar. It's a difficult balance to strike, made all the more complex since by the very nature of the individuals in the relationship, since people can change over time and successful relationships seem to be able to float with the changes, good and bad, a testament to the underlying strength and commitment between the couple. It's not easy, but it's worth it to keep trying, that's for sure.
Would argue driving new performance cars during wkend AMs and dating talented young women on some evenings are far cheaper, more time-efficient hobbies/sources of entertainment for many workaholics than attempts at anachronistic, legalized relationships that place one's financial health in jeopardy...
Interesting take. I'd have to disagree, however, with your conclusion that today's fast-paced successful individuals examine realtionships from a pure economic model that incorporates time management efficiency techniques as taught in MBA programs.
It seems that we are after all human and not robotic no matter how dispassionate and objective we pretend to be where human interaction, love, sexuality, and romance are concerned.
Hence we keep on entering into relationships, exiting them, and starting all over again with a new person, and sometimes even with a former lover from a previously discarded relationship.
Try as many do to apply business/sociological/psychological techniques to love and marriage they fail miserably. After all it is human to err, and err it seems they will do or at least take the risk since the payoff in terms of what you refer to as anachronistic, legalized relationships are valued as being worth the risk exposure - emotional as well as financial, time and efficiency.
Try as many do to apply business/sociological/psychological techniques to love and marriage they fail miserably. After all it is human to err, and err it seems they will do or at least take the risk since the payoff in terms of what you refer to as anachronistic, legalized relationships are valued as being worth the risk exposure - emotional as well as financial, time and efficiency.
Very good point, Miles. And, let's not forget that the courtesan is not going to be there in an hour of need, since their contractual duties are for companionship, and should one face a severe illness or other emergency, there's no emotional attachment and incentive for said "employee" to lend support, but the role of the love which might have seemed risky at the start pays off in the end, filling the chasm of emptiness that can sometimes disrupt an otherwise charmed life.
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