Quote:
Originally Posted by vanb1181
There's no a counselor in the world that will help me feel like a full man again or will help me enjoy being around my able bodied brother and his able bodied friends.
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I haven't read through every post (I stopped at this one) and decided to respond -- I don't usually come to this part of the forum *chuckle* for the very reasons I see in this thread. Whenever anyone asks for advice or simply want someone to talk to, I can't help but notice that the "crowd" almost invariably takes the opposite viewpoint of the OP.
I suppose it's because there's a lot more to say and write when you disagree than simply writing a "me too" post or posting a thumbs-up emoticon.
Anyway, hopefully you, OP, are still checking this thread so I'm not wasting my time.
First, I can relate to you to some extent as I found myself disabled, as well, though I'm not as bad off as you are (sorry if what I just said made you feel even worse, but please keep reading). I might end up in a wheelchair myself eventually considering the wreckless, thoughtless way everyone is clamping down on pain meds with no thought for those who actually need them. I have a very bad neurological disorder that, without constant morphine, I'd literally shoot myself, no questions asked.
Secondly, what I'm guessing here is that your brother and his firefighter friends are not only able-bodied, but VERY able-bodied. You have to be very strong, fit, and athletic to be a firefighter. No question about it. Thus they are probably very active people.
And you can't be. Unfortunately, unless medical science can help you in as of yet unknown ways, you could be sedentary for the rest of your life. I know there are sporting events for the disabled -- but your brother and his friends will be doing their own stuff.
My guess is that, while I doubt your brother would ever come out and say it, he might not like being, hmm, how to say it ... limited himself when he spends time with you. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say and, believe me, I'm not saying it to be mean. Just the opposite -- I'm saying it because I think I both can relate and understand your position.
The moment I lost my mobility and my ability to go out and do the things my friends and I enjoy (I can still do *some* things with them), a lot of them stopped coming around. The number of invites I receive dropped to very near to zero. In fact, they sometimes wouldn't invite me to do things I *could* do, as if they just didn't want to be bothered with a limited-mobility person with no endurance -- I can't even grocery shop without using an electric scooter because I would be in agony if I wandered around a huge store for an hour.
Since your brother and his friends are almost certainly very physical people -- something tells me they don't have "Book of the Month Club" meetings or play chess with each other -- you get left out.
Which means that your brother's behavior isn't about who is more important -- it's about who is the most fun.
Moreover, your brother is working in a profession that traditionally does create tight bonds between co-workers. It's really no different than soldiers that have been in combat together, cops who risk their lives on the streets together, and of course, firefighters. The thing is, these men have to trust each other with their lives; they have each other's back and it's all but guaranteed that each one of those men will save your brother's life -- and he will save all of their lives, as well, over the course of their careers. That's the nature of firefighting.
And there's not a damn thing you can do about it so don't even try. If you DO try, you'll only be alienated even more with a "If you did my job, you'd understand" speech.
I know this from experience, trust me. I just have to live in the knowledge that it wasn't ME who caused me isolation, but my disability. My friends didn't say, "Damn, I hate that girl now" or "Sheesh, that girl is so (insert denigrating adjective here)."
I know that if I miraculously healed, my friends would accept me back into their circle as if nothing ever happened. Yeah, I was resentful and cynical for awhile, but then I wondered if I would have been any different toward a friend if it were she that became disabled instead of myself. Would I spend all of my time living my life on HER terms because of her disability? Would I end up disabling mySELF because I'm not allowed to do more active things once in awhile that can't include her?
And I realized no... I wouldn't. I love to travel. I love to take long walks. I just adore exploring new places and seeing new things. In short, I love to just get out in the world to experience all the things it has to offer. Even if my bestest friend ... or even my sister .... could no longer do those things with me, would I just give up all of those things for the sake of my friend's/sister's disability?
Of course not, and I would take a dim view of that friend or sister who couldn't understand WHY I wouldn't want to give up those things. No doubt she might feel sad, melancholic, even a little angry that I'm "abandoning" her to do things she can no longer do -- and I'm doing them with other people. In other words, I would be having fun without her, and no doubt that would rankle anyone's sensibilities.
YOU, my friend, are in the situation of the disabled friend or sister I just talked about, and YOU have to understand that it would be horrifically unfair of you to think he can't hang out with his able-bodied friends doing things he enjoys just to cater to your limitations.
And remember, I'm disabled, too ... so I'm not just talking out of my ass, here.
Now, you DO have an understandable reason to feel as you do, and don't let anyone tell you differently -- especially those who aren't disabled and will NEVER truly understand what it's like to be in our position.
What you need to do, however, is be more proactive in your life. YOU actually have it better than I do because you, at least, can do *some* things even in a wheelchair. However, when you suffer from chronic pain the way I do, well, pain is a handicap that you can't just "overcome." You will lose that fight every single time. When the pain hits and the meds aren't working all that well, I'm bed-ridden. Period. I'm even considering amputation because I'd rather be in a wheelchair pain free than to be able to walk short distances but be in horrible pain all the time.
So, with that in mind, you should focus on the things you CAN do and do them. And find others who enjoy doing the same things. Build a bond with those people. Create new memories. Develop a shared history together and pretty soon it may just be your brother envious of YOU. I know that's easier said than done, especially as you get older, but it CAN be done. Depending on where you live (small towns SUCK to be disabled within, let me tell you, because there aren't any support groups, clubs, events, or groups to join without driving 50 miles -- and I can't drive.) But depending on where you live, no doubt you can always find people who are also looking for people to do the same things you like to do.
Or, you might discover new things you never knew you liked to do.
Myself, I also enjoy playing computer games, writing, reading, putsing around on forums, watching movies, playing table-top games, etc. I've found people that also enjoy those things, many of them online so I don't even have to endure the pain of leaving my house to do them.
You are at least mobile. It might be a royal pain in the backside sometimes, but you can still get out and do things, see things, that I only wish I could do.
Obviously, the root of this isn't your brother but your disability and how it has limited your life and altered your lifestyle. Believe me, I GET IT.
Don't pin this on your brother -- though I understand that his relationship with his firefighter buddies annoys you.
But he's engaged in a profession where co-workers do form unusually tight bonds due to the risky nature of their work. There's nothing on the planet you can do to change that. It's the nature of the beast, I'm afraid. And I won't lie to you. Yes, it is even possible that his bonding with his buddies can surpass even his bonding with you -- despite sharing DNA and a long history together. Unfortunately, things change, as crappy as that is sometimes.
If I were you, I wouldn't put my eggs in your brother's basket anymore, if you take my meaning. He'll always be your brother and I doubt very much he would ever abandon you, especially if you really needed him. But relationships do change. Believe me, I've shed many tears over that very thing. But what choice do you really have than to just get on with life, find those new friends, and not worry about what your brother is doing.
Like some have said, once he gets married, chances are he'll be shackled to the bedpost and won't be able to do a damn thing anymore -- which is another thing that irritates the living hell out of me, but that's another topic for a different thread.
Oh, and by the way -- just go to the damn wedding, will ya?
You're not going to convince your brother to drop his brotherly co-workers by abandoning HIM, you know.
Sorry this post is so long, but I know this is a complicated situation and deserves a complicated response. I hope I've helped you out a little bit, anyway. I doubt I made you feel better, at least not right away, but I figured you wanted honesty and not someone to blow sunshine up your ass -- as the saying goes.
Take care and good luck to you.
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Give me a break... your sister may in some time in her life have a deeper bond with someone besides you. May it be her spouse or her children. Even a best friend she may have told things to that she may have not shared with you. And you know what? It is okay because she will always have a bond with you.
