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I am a punctual person yet understand that things come up and can understand when people who you’ve made plans with are a little late, up to 20 minutes, or so. However, I notice some people are always late and not just by a little. They could show up an hour or two late and barely acknowledge it. They always had some sort of trouble getting out the door, etc. One time I tried to talk to a chronically late friend about how it made me feel like she didn’t value my time when she would always come late. She didn’t get it at all and instead acted like I was expecting too much from her. Instead of pressing I just stopped making plans with her.
If you are a person who is chronically late do you ever think about how your lateness impacts the people who you are meeting? Do you ever try to change and be more punctual? Does it work? If not why? What are the barriers that make being on time or even close to on time impossible?
For those who are like me, have you ever been able to get through to a chronically late person in your life and get them to see your side and make a change for the better? Is there an hope for the chronically late? Can they change?
If someone is always late and I have invited them for dinner we eat without them. When they arrive I tell them the food is in the refrigerator and they can microwave it. I actually tell someone like that dinner is earlier by 30 minutes then I intend it to be. I did cure one person after I did this a few times.
It's not impossible but I think it's pretty unlikely.
I knew someone like that and part of the problem was he didn't have an accurate sense of how long things took. If he had an hour before he had to be somewhere, he thought he had time to do x, y and z. However, the vast majority of people would realize there was only time to do x before you had to leave.
I ended up losing touch with him. As a general rule though if someone is consistently more than 15 or so minutes late, I usually stop doing things with them since I'm almost always on time. Fortunately, I've only had this happen a couple of times in my life. Most people are fairly punctual from what I can tell.
I'm sorry you didn't press your friend, because that's a good way to start, saying that it's infuriating, it's disrespectful, and so on. Some people feel that late-comers have gotten worse since cell-phones, because they imagine that by calling/texting that they're running late, that makes everything all right.
My suggestion is that when you get together, arrange to meet them someplace. You can, obviously, arrange to meet them at something that starts at a particular time, like a movie, and then simply go in without them. Or you can arrange to meet them somewhere else, and just leave after a certain amount of time. I leave after 45 minutes. I also know someone who was dating a chronically late guy. He was supposed to pick her up at her apartment at a certain time, and when he was late, she just left, so that he wouldn't find her there.
IMHO, most people who are chronically late continue to be chronically late. But, my niece had one positive experience with someone changing their behavior. Her best friend in college was always late to everything. People just waited for her and said "Well, that is just the way that Sally always acts." One time my niece was waiting for her at a bar for over an hour and blew up at her. Sally was stunned and claimed that no one had ever told her that it bothered them when she was late. After that time Sally was never late again when meeting my niece (and that was ten years ago). She also improved a lot when meeting other people.
The way it works in my family, is that we follow the time that is planned and do not wait for latecomers. For example, if Thanksgiving dinner (usually for 20 to 30 people) is scheduled for noon, we sit down and eat at noon and do not wait for latecomers. They can always eat the left overs or join us for dessert (if that is what we are eating). If we are carpooling someplace and schedule leaving for 7 PM, we leave at 7 PM (well, sometimes we wait a few minutes if the person texts with a good reason). It works well in my family.
No. There really isn't. The best way to deal with chronically late people is to invite other people who you know are not always late. Then start any event without the late person.
My mother was always chronically late. My father would rarely protest because when he did, she would start screaming at him and blaming everybody but herself for her lateness. One time, my parents got theater tickets for a play with another couple joining them. My parents had all the tickets. The plan was that the other couple would wait for them at the theater. Well...due to my mother, everybody missed the first act. As a kid, it surprised me that the other couple remained friends with my parents after that.
For many, being chronically late is a form of being controlling. They get a kick out of making others wait for them because any attention they get is better than no attention at all.
As long as people are allowed to get away with behaving like this, they will continue to do this. Unless someone puts their foot down and lets them know it's not acceptable, it will continue.
As others said, leave home without the chronically late one, start eating dinner if they aren't on time and never let the chronically late one being in charge of holding any timed tickets.
The irony about my mother --- if people were late when she invited them to dinner, she would be indignant.
I was involved in a conservation project a number of years back. I was scheduled to meet with a municipal planning official and a senior conservationist at 8:00 am. The senior conservationist was not at the door at 8:00 so I went in alone. My colleague walked in 10 minutes late and was very upset with me. I told her I am never late. And she never was again when working with me. It caused me enormous stress. I busted my tail to arrange that meeting..
For those who are like me, have you ever been able to get through to a chronically late person in your life and get them to see your side and make a change for the better?
no.
Is there an hope for the chronically late?
no.
Can they change?
no.
old quote:
the most selfish thing you can do in your life, is to be late when others are waiting.
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