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One time I tried to talk to a chronically late friend about how it made me feel like she didn’t value my time when she would always come late. She didn’t get it at all and instead acted like I was expecting too much from her.
Of course that's how she reacted. You were judging her.
To answer your questions, I had a friend who acknowledged she was late to everything. Someone else asked, "Even to work?" Friend said, "They're very flexible." Well, lucky her.
Late people misjudge the time it takes to do something, and they don't care when they're late or when they missed something. They just don't notice the time and couldn't care less that someone is EXPECTING them to be there at a certain time.
You have to wonder if there are consequences, would they arrive on time? Like to work. Suffering some consequences MIGHT push them to try to be on time.
Sister is always late to family get-togethers. We tell her to arrive not later than xxxx because that's when we'll start serving, even though the actual time is an hour or more later. If she doesn't make it, she eats leftovers.
She never manages to be late for work, appointments, concerts, etc. -- just to family stuff. So we stopped waiting on her, even when she's bringing a dish -- we can always eat it later.
This answered my question from another post. If there are consequences, then they will get there on time.
Of course that's how she reacted. You were judging her.
I try to cultivate as much nonjudgement as possible through yoga, meditation, contemplation---but it's impossible to never have any judgements. After all, any time we make a choice to buy something, do something, or socialize with someone, we are making a value judgement that we will enjoy what we are buying, doing, etc. and that it will be better than another choice.
However, I don't think Miss Terri was judging her friend. She wasn't saying the friend was an awful, uncaring, rude person. She used "I language" to explain how her friend's actions made her feel. It's not that her friend felt judged or unfairly criticized. As she wrote: " She didn’t get it at all and instead acted like I was expecting too much from her." The friend just didn't want to take responsibility and wasn't interested in making a change to maintain/improve the friendship. Should we never say how we are feeling when someone hurts us because the other person will "feel judged/"
In my exercise classes there are always people who come late (sometimes as much as 30 minutes into a one hour class). In yoga class this is especially disruptive. The yoga instructors say this set thing about not being judgemental, that you never know why someone is late, that at least they showed up, etc. I get what they are saying. Maybe 1 out of 100 times someone has a real excuse for being late (bathroom issues, sick kid or parent, etc.) but usually it's the same people who are always late, month after month and year after year. I know a couple of them who are honest enough to admit they just don't have good time management.
Last edited by jazzcat22; 10-01-2019 at 12:55 PM..
Here's specifically what I've noticed. There is NO ONE who is chronically late, that I don't look forward to seeing once they arrive. The people I really don't care to see at all usually arrive on time, or arrive early. *shrug*
I say this, as a person who arrives early, so there's that.
Clara, this is so interesting and makes me think about the thread about people who are spell-binding and have lots of charisma. Like you, I am always early. And no one would say I am spell-binding or have charisma! I will admit that in the past (I'm working on it and have loosened up in my advanced age) I've been tightly wound and a rule follower. Do these traits prevent us from being fun people? You didn't say there is causation, just correlation. For myself I can't get past my resentment about certain people always being late, so that does impact my enjoyment of being with them once they get there.
I just wonder whether the people who are freer spirits in that they don't closely manage their time, don't worry so much, follow what they want instead of what they have committed to or what is expected of them come across as more enjoyable people to spend time with. And if this is the case, are they more fun because they don't have all these constraints that bog down their personality so they are more open to being/having fun----or do they inherently have these personality traits and thus they can get away with being late (or other forms of rudeness) because their personality makes up for it?
One lady at our church is always 5 to 10 minutes late. Very disruptive. She lives 5 minutes from the church. I don't think she will change. I believe she likes the attention.
Sister is always late to family get-togethers. We tell her to arrive not later than xxxx because that's when we'll start serving, even though the actual time is an hour or more later. If she doesn't make it, she eats leftovers.
She never manages to be late for work, appointments, concerts, etc. -- just to family stuff. So we stopped waiting on her, even when she's bringing a dish -- we can always eat it later.
I doubt she'll change, but we don't allow her tardiness to interfere. It's her problem, not ours.
Tell them what time to be there, and if they are not, that you will leave/proceed without them.
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I don't think she will change. I believe she likes the attention. 
